i will always love you

“Ant crawling up the wall
How do you know you won’t fall?”

“I have wings that support me
I am unconfined by gravity.
Don’t you have wings to support your all?
How else can you support your haul?”

  I am silent, for but a moment.
  Remembering from whence I’d known it.

  “Wings I used to have
    But now an empty back
      – is all I have left.
    I’ve abandoned my wings
   To gain my haul.
  Though, now I figure
   There’s no worth to it
      If I’m going to fall.”

Your face in my mind,
Crystal clear.
I can picture the small depressions
In your cheeks
When you smile
Or the wrinkles that gather
Like clouds to a storm
In the corner of your
Sunshine-bright eyes

But one day
I will forget it
And your face
Will be but a hazy memory
Covered by foggy clouds
And smoky glass
But i wont forget
The friendship between us
Stronger than any hurricane
Can put between us

Still,
I hope that that one day
Won’t come for a long time

I’ll cut off my ties
and forget your existence
I’ll forget I ever had you
And i’ll keep my distance
I’ll forget you, i have to
and everything about you
cause i can’t afford to have
something holding on so loose
hearts broken
friendships torn
how can't i
look upon you with scorn?
but ‘tis part and parcel
of having a crush
you think it is all fun and games
but you’ll end up being crushed

I should settle for less
but nonetheless
i kind of wished
someone would like me
like i liked you

My hair,
It strangles me
And leaves red marks
On my own neck.

My nails,
They scrape against skin
Peeling away flesh to give way
To my own blood.

My knees,
They buckle
And bruise themselves
To let my own skin scrape

My teeth,
They bite into skin
And blood drips from
My own mouth.

My words,
They float into the air
And reform
Into my own curses I whispered

A letter to the girl who was mine:
I love you so
But sometimes in love
You’ll have to see them go.
I didn’t realise then,
but my heart was always glass,
now shattered and heartbroken,
shards unchanging as the days pass.
Without you I’m a plant
ripped raw from its ***
Roots outstretched for its holder
Longing for what was
But even if I wait
For hours or even days
I know you’re never-
-coming back to me again.
Dear girl who was mine
To forget us is a battle
I overdose on my medicine
Trying to heal, how do I settle?
Without you I am like a shirt
-without sleeves
Cure me of this  
this.. monstrosity
I didn’t realise then
But you were my pillar
Even then,
Pillars can be smashed
A pillar of sugar
Dear girl who was mine:
I love you so.
Even… even
if you don’t.

He walks down the hall,
With a crown twisted in thorn,
Painted with blood,
And spit on with scorn.
More precious than Solomen’s diadem,
Dabbed with jewels of blood,
Yet still taken with love
To serve every one of us.
His welts are deemed as spangles,
And they’ll tell His story
Crown of thorns twisted in horror,
Yet worn with His glory

The oxpecker cleans the rhino
and the rhino feeds it meat
Both need the other
it really is quite neat
but the oxpecker complains
“there’s not enough ticks!”
and the rhino will cry
“there’s enough as it is!”
so then they’re not friends
and they’ll leave each other again
but surely we all know
that if separated, both drop dead
so the toxic relationship
muted by mutualism
unfriended then, best friends now
will continue to spasm

I have fallen short of your glory, oh Father
and I am in pieces before your throne.
I can rip my clothes in grief
and slice my skin with anger.
But I choose not to Father
I choose to praise you
For the storm will come to pass
and the Valley of the Shadow of Death will end
I choose to praise you, Oh Lord
That you may take away my grief
And deliver me from this pain.

Oh God, my God
I am deep in my doubt
Forgive me of this worry
Forgive me of this spout-
-of words mixed together
Possibly blasphemy
I’m sorry , Oh Father
Even though You’ve set me free.
I am like the reed in the wind
And the unstable tide
Oh Lord, root me in You
I hang on to survive
The poison is swelling
Why am I letting it be?
Father please forgive this
Please forgive me

Dear Best Friend that was,
But now have parted away from,
I am here to apologise for
The way I didn’t see your
Pain.

A writer observes does she not,
But yet my efforts have come to naught
To what I could not succeed
Was the task in front of me.
Please.

Dear Best Friend that was,
I'm sorry for the cause
Of you needing to hide away
In a bottle of shame and hidden-
-Lies.

Dear Best Friend that was,
We are not who we were
And I find that even better
So we can know each other
Again.

Dear Best Friends that were
And Best Friends that are
And Best Friends that will
And Best Friend that always will be
Here.

Thank you for Showing
Thank you for your Existing
Thank you for your Knowing
Thank you for your Hidden
Love.

Who am I, oh Lord, that You love me?
Who am I that You are mindful of me?
Who am I that You cherish my soul?
Who am I that You save my soul?
Who am I without you Lord?

If only we could learn to be like a little child again,
Not plagued by this world
  Innocence on another level
  Only we could learn to be like a little child again,
   Willing to learn, not wallow-
    -in shame and blame
         We could learn to be like a little child again,
          Love so strong
          We used to get along
                Could learn to be like a little child again,
                     Honesty dripping from our lips
                         But we’re still nice when one slips
                              Learn to be like a little child again,
                                 Obedient in time
                                   Not trying to find an alibi
                                       To be a little child again,
                                        One that was raised
                                          Who forgets their pain
                                            There’s no hatred in our name

I wish to be a little child again

time is passing by
at the rate it wants to go
in my head.
time now is stretching out,
as i take
two minutes
to do something
but it feels like
an hour
even now i feel like 3 minutes have passed
but i look at the clock
it’s still the same numbers
i stare at the same digits
over and over
engraved into my brain
but i blink
and they’re gone.
why has it been forty minutes?
i miss the days that i played
with people
and teased them
and laughed with them
but then i blink
i’m still in those days
but im missing something
i don’t even know what
i look to the future
i feel my future regret
maybe i’ve slipped up
in the future i’ll know
i don’t wish to know
but i don’t know

what do you think of when I say flood?
gushing water breaking through a dam?
overtaking things not meant to be wet?
the land below wave more than just sand?
well it did feel like that.
held my cup of unused tears
held them back; i can’t cry
not in a million years
but as i went to press a button
not important of any sort
i held the cup in one hand
and with the same i pressed my floor
then it happened.
nothing then all at once.
my cup tipped over and a few tears
spilt in a little pearly bunch
they pattered onto marble
floor of the white lift
oh no now they know
the walls know i slipped
it wasn't on purpose
but they’ll say its a lie
i have to run
no time to say goodbye.

“Oh soldier, my soldier,” GOD calls out from the forest. In the leafy greens and cerulean creeks, surrounded by birds and bumblebees, sits a soldier by Dei’s stream. His forearms over his knees, with chainmail as his sleeves. He wears a helmet of iron, looking through dark little slits, at the dandelions and daisies, and how their petals flick.
  “My child, My beloved,” GOD whispers through the reeds, a misty fog creeps up the warrior, through tiny holes it creeps. A spirit lingers among the branches, aware of every sound. It is everywhere and somewhere, a spirit with little sound. GOD strolls through the wilderness, looking for his lamb. And that’s where he found him. And took him by the hand.
  “Oh lost lamb, I’ve been looking through the high and mellow creaks. I have searched from dawn to dusk now, I’ve found the one I seek.” GOD hovered round the man, until the knight gave in, raising up his voice, though silence he was in.
  “Your lamb, you call me, yet You have nothing to herd. I’m here and unmoving, I’m a tree and I’ve been rooted. How long can You circle me, like a lion on a hunt? You know that I’m unyielding, I’ll slander You if I must.” The soldier replied in his poetry, words twisting the knife. But GOD saw through his heart, and responded with no spite.
  “I’ll circle you a million years and wait until you fall. Then I’ll catch you in my arms and answer when you call. I’ll take the slander to My name, and I’ll wait until the day that you find Me and knelt down you say, ‘Lord take my pain away’. I’ll turn your armour into streets of gold, I’ll collect all of your tears. You shall hunger no more, nor shall you thirst; I shall feed you and lead you unto living fountains of waters. This I promise forevermore.”
  Then with weeds and sombre creeks, the knight sat there with no steed. Alone the soldier thought he was but GOD still circled, an echoing verse. “Away from me, Lord, I’m unworthy,” the soldier said, without an apology.
  “I forgive you, child. I take you in, a meal and drink you’ll have your pick. Once unworthy, by Son you are, now take the Crown, the Crown of Glory. I am the GOD who was and is and is to come, nothing will change that. Nothing, my son.”

a grain of sand holds the water
and the wave nudges the sand
the birds pollinate the flowers
and the tree bears their tiny nests
the aphids feed the hungry ants
and the ants protect them in turn
i guess you can get from this
that everyone serves a purpose
the mutualism in nature
doesn’t stop there
somebody will need you
from your heart to your hair
just because you don’t see
the aphids or the trees
doesn’t mean they don’t exist
the creatures will still be
someone loves you and needs you
and sees you as their sea
family members or friends
or somebody like me 🩷

there was a tale
of an angel
with a wing so bright
you could see it at night
but he never had the other
to complete his pair
and in its place
was a wing filled with air
though his beauty was there
and his wing was glistening
he could never fly
because of his missing wing
so he was good
but never great
he was a mate
but never checkmate.
always an angel
never God
always second best
never firstly sought.
and out of this jealousy
a raging war
he stared at his creator
like a lion he roared
he took with him
a third of heaven's stars
and there on the battlefield
blood shed redder than mars
and the battle was won
not by the angel
but by Michael
the warrior more faithful
“Lucifer!” he cried
standing over the earth
“Away from me,” responded Lucifer,
cast down on the turf.
there he lay
with the rest of the ‘meteors’
once stars now never
now they meet the earth.
so he lives
not for long
with the humans
in their song
spreading pain
spreading terror
but this won’t last
forever.

these few days
sleep has been
something not so
easy to go in
i feel myself
drift off
for but a second
till a cough
or a sneeze
or an itch
wakes me up
from this ditch
and brings me back
into reality
sections at a time
then the sun shines at me
and really i go to sleep
for the serenity; the peace
but i find none
just black before my eyes
and a headache
i’m awake, just, in disguise
either that or
i’m awake somewhere else
in a dream or a nightmare
i’ve got to help myself
i never find myself
in that state of mind
being rested being well
i wish there to reside

Red, Orange, Yellow
These colours make me mellow
Green, Blue, Violet
One can say, the colours of silence
Indigo
This one cannot go
Though
I must admit
It is only fit
That in this metropolis
Of colours; not monotonous
They foster a sort of preponderance
Though when squished, form
A sort of colourful incontinence,
A bowel movement like this.
Because these colours, when mixed
Form a brown-ish bliss
A ***** abyss
Though ugly; something amiss
This uniqueness can’t be missed
I find myself lost in this
And I have no idea when to stop it
I’ll swallow my words down my oesophagus
To end this literary incompetence.

just as the wall wears away rubber
the wax burns from the flame
just as the black hole ***** out the light
a man withers from fame
the wall that you stick to
will never stick back
and the wax that you’ve lost
will never resurrect
so don’t spend your days
with one fish in the sea
wasting away
trying your best to see
whether your wall
or your fire
or your hole
will retire
from ******* the life
out of your poor poor soul
but i’m sure you and i know
this is an unreachable goal

look inside of me
and see that i am not afraid
to sink into the void
like a kid inside a cave
see through my weary eyes
and feel my shattering soul
know that i exist
and exist i do alone
look inside of me
and find a flickering flame
a sense of jealousy
envy like a mane—
— of fire around me
look in my eyes
and see that i wish
for a boy i hold dear
that he was mine
look inside of me
and know that i am tired
know that i wish for an embrace
or for myself to be desired
look inside of me
and see that i long for
somebody to love me
someone after or before

i am glass
i am shattered
i am invisible
i don’t matter
i am glass
i am pained
i am broken
i am stained.
see through me
as if i were a window
press against me
don’t care if your spindle—
—- like fingers
will shatter my
shattering soul
because what am i but glass?
i am all alone.
i am forgotten
i am see-through
so don’t even care
how much you will hurt me
with your glaring stare
don’t worry if you
ghosting me is ok
because why wouldn’t it be?
for glass that is stained.
punch through my heart
like a knife to my skin
don’t care if you hurt me
— i’m just like my kin!
i will shatter
i will part
i will break
and fall apart
but what does it matter
i’m only just glass

i’ve worked hard for you
so why is it hard to do?
to sprinkle a tiny smile here
and give me a little gratitude
i’ve showered you with love
and compassion in heavy amounts
yet somehow, and someway
the words don’t come outta your mouth
is a “thank you” too much to ask?
so whats clogging up your throat?
can’t you just say a word of thanks?
or an act of gratitude on that note.
why are the two words
always replaced
with an “ok” or a “why”
or a “so? anyways”?
i don’t really get
what’s going on in that head
but i guess i’ve got to accept it
and take the ‘thank you’ that’s unsaid