I am crying not because I am jealous of your lot. You deserve that happiness friend. You deserve that love that you have kept and nurtured for ten seasons of summer and rain.

I am not tearful because I am afraid that in time I will be alone. I will never be able to experience clandestine kisses nor embraces from another. I expect and prepare myself to be on my own.

I am weeping because as I assist you on your wedding day it will be the last time that we share that moment as maidens. The thread of being sisters of circumstance will be cut as you say “I do”. Somehow our worlds will part as your groom will take you by his side.

I am listening to an old cassette tape in the living room
I am all alone... nobody's home.
I want to shout to the world, I want to slap someone, to punch anybody.
My guts are bulging, my nose is flaring.
I could hear my heart beat in my ears.
Lub-dub Lub-dub Lub-dub Lub-dub
My foul mouth is ready to fire a bazooka.
Is this the life I have chosen?
Yes and no, I cannot answer one.
Maybe is my bet.

I want to reach the stars and taste
The flaming fire in my mouth
I want to **** the sun and be done with it.
BOOOOOOM!!
My ****** body is hesitant to do things,
Yet my mind rumbles and grumbles from
The ground to the heavens.
Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggghhh!!
I am past of my blooming years literally,
Yet here I am so late and blind and coward
To face the changing world.

Yes indeed I am a ******,
And life is slowly ****** me.

I was a flower starting to bloom, curious on life, wanting to love, starving to dream of worldly and unworldly things. The little girl inside me was dancing with glee as I waited to be eighteen. An age to be an adult.

I wanted to be free.

My flower withered in these ten years past. I wanted too much of everything yet I never saved anything for myself. I gained something and I lost a lot. I reached almost the peak and here I am back at the beginning.

Freedom has its responsibilities.

Where does this loneliness come from?
I have not prepared a feast of welcome.
If I knew it would visit me this time,
I could have saved my best wine.

Where does this emptiness stay?
I have not readied my garlands and leis.
If I knew it would come to see me,
I could have saved my roses and daisies.

Where does this sadness creep?
I have not made any beds to sleep.
If I knew it would give me a call,
I could have saved anything at all.

I never thought there'd be the day,
That I'd be meeting your gaze.
It was accidental I'm pretty sure,
Swift like blinking yet so pure.

I've always admired you before,
Your skills make my spirit soar.
Now it seems you are so near,
Every encounter in my brain is clear.

I'm young and the road is long,
And she has your heart all along.
I'll keep my admiration for a while,
And lovingly watch you with a smile.

Don’t you ever see,
What you have done to me?
I always think of you,
Every moment, through and through.

In the beginning of the day as I wake,
I see your face before the morning breaks.
In the evening, after the sun goes down,
I pray for you before to sleep I lay down.

Even though from me you are far away,
I desire that you’re with me from day to day.
Holding and embracing you in my arms I envision,
I know, I know they’re part of my illusions.

It’s hard for me to say “I hate you”,
And deep inside I love you, I really do.
I tried to vanish you from my mind,
But in my heart it’s you I find.

To another man I searched for the love I wanted,
But I guess my wishes are not granted.
For what’s in my heart I cannot deceive,
The feelings especially for you I conceive.

I am one of those women, who admired you so much,
Yielding for your love and for your touch.
I am one of those unfortunates by whom you cannot love,
For I know there’s someone out there you wanted to have.

So, here I am sitting in a corner,
Certified member of the group Wall Flowers.
It’s you I always wanted to watch,
While you are still seeking for your perfect match.

I’m hurt when you never even glanced at me,
But at least looking at you is free.
I don’t mind if the oil price increases,
But I do care if to me you give only your kisses.

I see your eyes sparkle when you speak her name,
And mine are getting misty for your love I cannot even claim.
It’s enough for me that you know who I am,
The truth is, inside me I’m having a spasm.

I don’t know why for you I fell,
Even to myself the reasons I cannot tell.
It just happened one day,
That I felt something for you in a different way.

I admit I’m a great pretender,
And you are a Heart Breaker.
Leaving those women weeping,
Never minding what they are feeling.

It’s hard for me to act as if everything’s normal,
And deep inside me, I’m having a burial.
I am not mourning for the dead love from you,
I’m grieving for the wasted affection I wanted to share with you.

If I continue to cherish you, I know the consequences,
But still I took the risk by taking the game of chances.
Now, the time wheel is still turning,
And WE don’t know what the future may bring.

If dreams can only be true,
Then in my life I can have you.
If dreams can be so real,
Then it’s your love I can feel.

I can see you face to face,
In any time at any place.
I can always be with you,
And prove what I feel for you is true.

You’ll never be a character in a book,
For which I am very hooked.
You’ll never be in my imaginations,
But a part of the real world’s situation.

I can touch your face with my fingertips,
And I can kiss your lovely lips.
I can be a heroine in your life,
And save you from sorrows and strife.

If only you can leap through the books’ pages,
And have life to the end of ages.
If only you live in reality,
Then I am able to erase my fantasies.

I can wait ‘till the ends of time,
Until this poem runs out of rhyme.
I can love you forever,
Like the song The 12th of Never.

But all I can do is dream,
Dream ‘till the fire runs out of gleam.
Until my life here is longer no more,
I am sure you will always be staying in a bookstore.

"Ninety-three years seem long
But life is short -
How youth seems strong
But life is short -
How you love and give,
Life is still short -
How "is" a few minutes ago
Became a "was"
Oh, life is so short."

I know for you this is queer
The words you are going to hear
I’ve never done this before
And I’m askin you not to close the door.

I got to let you know that I love you
Please don’t doubt it, it’s true.
I got to let you know I care,
And for you I’ll always be there.

I wanna give my love to you completely
Begging you to listen to me
I’m hoping to open up your eyes
To let you see my love is not a lie.

You made me weak beyond control
And I had you in my soul
I love you more than life itself
Be my man & I wouldn’t love anyone else.

I was your admirer during college years
Discretely looking at you limping away
To your classes looking alone and aloof

One afternoon at the canteen, I blocked your path
You blurted something while I stepped back
Your words made me feel giddy and restless!

You graduated first and I grew up also
And I thought I forgot my silly crush on you
Until I saw you limping inside a mall - - -

There were romantic comedy movies in my head
I, the heroine and you the Hero - imperfect pairs
Strangers at the university and ended as one - -

But you had a girl friend, my friends announced
I smiled while looking at you limping away again
My prince was at last taken by someone else - - -

Today I learned from my BFFs that you are gone
An accident yesterday and proclaimed as DOA
You're so young at early 30s and I - - - sigh- - - - -

One of my regrets in life is not telling you about me
That I existed somewhere in your timeline on earth
I wanted to confess and yet was afraid and now this

I admire you secretly and now I cry quietly
Sadly, we only exchanged two words in this lifetime
It was at the canteen when I blocked your path


You said, "Excuse Me!" and I just stood there speechless.

I am a farm girl or love to pretend that I am one

I graduated with BS Psychology degree in 2009

Yet worked in a retail company for many many years.



I dreamed to be a clinical psychologist you know

As I counted the stocks and boxes in the warehouse

And voided transactions at the check-out-counters.



I desired to help people on how to deal with life's problems

Yet I could not cope up with my own majestic failures

The reality hit like a truck when I did not pass the exam.



I wallowed in the mud of self - pity and bitter tears

As I planted those leeks, basil, onions, peppers and dills

And waited patiently for the babies to sprout and grow.



I sowed dreams yet I nurtured other things like nightmares

And I reaped unrealistic, unhealthy desires and I cried hard

What happened to those teenage aspirations that I had?

I am just a nobody who tries to be somebody
But then my efforts are not seen
My struggles are buried in the dessert.
          I could taste the sounds of time in my mouth
          I could pick out the grime and mud between my teeth.

What have become of you? My coach asked
Have I become a better or a worse person?
In these hapless times I couldn’t identify at all.
          I could stretch my hands towards the sun
          And feel the fire exploding on my burnt fingers

You belong in a better place, a friend commented
Oh yes I believe in what she said
But what kind of place will accept me?
          I could finally lie down on top of an iceberg
          And melt with it when the sun shines

          In time I will melt
          And nobody will feel it

You are a friend to other people but are You my friend?
You treat them with special care but do you treat me thus?
You give them all: time, love, effort but why do you give me little?
You say you love me truly or do you really love me?
Or do you love me because you want something from me?

I hear 'Dear Lord', 'Please Lord', 'Help me Lord',
'Forgive me Lord', 'I love you Lord';
And yet in reality - honestly you do not really care...
You call me when you are hurt, discouraged, failed -
Yet you do not think of me when you are happy.

Am I just a Genie or a Santa Claus to you?
Do you even like me -the "me" - the real me?
Or do you come to me because I am very rich?
Do you even believe that I am real and alive?

You cry when your friends hurt you
Yet you never recognized that I dry your tears -
You deny my attempts to bring you closer - -
It's ironic that you say I cannot understand what you feel - -
I created you in my own image, my strength, my love, my emotions, my prayers

When you feel that others do not love you
Remember - you turn away from me many times
And the feeling of unrequited love you have from others?
I oftentimes feel this one way love from you ...
It hurts, isn't it? That you love and they give back a little - - ?

I know the feeling....I do know the feeling...
But I love you even if you are like that...

9:30 pm when my mom called me at work
Telling me to leave for a couple of weeks
My father had less than 5 days here on earth
Dying from pancreatic cancer...

I felt that the walls around me came closing in
I heard my spirit and soul got crushed into pieces
I felt the universe stopped for a couple of minutes
Yet I moved because my shift's till 10 o'clock...

I texted my buddies if they were free that night
I needed someone to lean on or cry on
I wanted someone to comfort me in any ways
None replied except "him"...

The one I secretly called my "Mr. Left" for years
Whom I confessed my love two years prior
Who didn't want my romantic feelings for him to grow
Who I stayed friends with despite his rejection...

"I'm at a nearby park just strolling," he texted me
My heart beat wildly with certain decisions to make
Should I go and accompany him around the city?
Should I accept the comfort he's going to offer me?

I closed the store and blinked back the tears
That starlit night I walked around the blocks in daze
Until I arrived at the park which he told me minutes ago
And then I stepped back and went inside a karaoke bar...

I sang in the darkness for two hours - completely alone
Pouring my grief, fears and heartbreak into nothingness
He never texted me again and I knew then that it ended
A Premonition of a dying friendship with him...

A person gets easily fall when he/she is vulnerable
My mother's words rang between the melodies
He was available that night yet I chose myself
To be with me, to be in touch with my own grief...

Soothing myself, "He would never understand anyway..."
Rationalizing, "I'd fall for him again if I did go..."
Better be alone and cry for many things in the night
Than to mistake his comfort as romantic love...

BER months are moving fast
Making me remember the past.
Never thought August would fly by
Easily disposed making me cry.

Wherever you go, whatever you do
You won't know my heart is with you.
You were the light at the end of the tunnel
Yet you doused the flame - so cruel!

Loving you quietly but my eyes are loud
Your success always makes me proud.
You said we will always be friends
Yet you left me hanging dry in the end.

Adieu, farewell, so long, goodbye
Don't come back even if you try.
I love you still but I won't be here
In silence, I kiss you and dry your tears.

Hope is that lonely star in the darkest night,

The golden *** at the end of the rainbow,

The sentinel whenever the past drags me down,

The invisible thread that connects me to life.





It was there when my dad was lying on the hospital bed,

It lingered when I saw him drew his last breath,

It was there when I knew of my chronic disease,

It was there when I learned that I had reproductive problems,

It accompanied me when I was on the operating table,

It was there when I almost lost my brother from stomach ache,

It embraced my mom as she tearfully praised the Lord,

It wiped away our fears and tears in each challenge.





I should have let go when it seemed distant,

I should have let skepticism and bitterness controlled me,

"But this is just a phase," I always murmured in haze,

Despite all of these setbacks,

As I battle with my own demons - -





When anxiety wants to marry me,

When insecurity wants me to be his mistress,

When physical challenges want to bind me,

When my faculty wants to ******* my soul's core,

When my spiritual tank is as empty as the blackhole,

When everything else fails in this world - -





Even if my own self is my enemy,

Even if the flames of pain devours my spirit,

Even if I have to eat muck to exist,

Even if I have to crawl on my belly,

I will fight just to grasp that light at the end of the tunnel.







by SanshiQuimbo (aka Yawina Rada)

This is written for @WPPoetry's contest.

#wattpadpoetry2019

#februaryhasaffection

Ninety-three years seem long
But life is short -
How youth seems strong
But life is short -
How you love and give,
Life is still short -
How "is" a few minutes ago
Became a "was"
Oh, life is so short.