My cupboards full of treats
I wish I could just eat
Instead of planing my life around
Stock piled up like the world is ending
But I'm scared of venturing out of my comfort zone
Leaving the bunker my mind's created
Incase I gain too much weight or loose my ****** shape
Ruled by a number on a packet
Pushed down my a disorder in my head.

I Keep being weak and checking your socials onece or twice a week
Just to watch my moods drop from highs to lows
I don't know what makes me look back
I guess it's the memory of being loved to blame for that

Imagine being blind
And someone comes along into your life and fills all the categories you've been lacking
For you to one day gain the miracle of sight
And no longer love that person
Because what you see with your eyes
A  mere reflection of light
Blinded from what's on the inside

I still see the Sharp reminder gracing my floor
Of where I hurt myself
Chasing you all those times you walked out the door
I should have just let you go right out of my life
After all the times you said you didn't love me
But when I found strength to give up
You came back pleading with me to give more

I'd write you a poem but I don't think the words I conjure would do you any justice
So I'll send you "a good morning"  before I sleep
Just so you don't wake to nothing.

No matter now great your embrace
I can't allow you to get a hold again
Lift me to great heights
Then let go and break me

I've been selfishly wanting you to call
Haunted by the phantom of my phone tone in the halls everytime I have a shower
But Rushing out to no missed calls

A man walks into a hospital....
They watch him die
Because he can't pay the price

Riding around on a rusty child sized bike far too small for my frame
Recapturing youth in a well kept playing abandoned in the middle of the day
Spinning you around on a roundabout too heavy for my weight
Wishing I could hold you on my shoulders at a gig some day
But I'm far too weak for that
We only made it half way to the castle that night
Traded bricks and ruines for climbing frames
I remember your chocolate melting in my pocket
Like my heart was for you
How can this make you happy?

Do my ramblings in the form of poems sound like a mad man with fantasy's of love?
I've been saying your name in my sleep
I've been told by People I won't remember next week
I didn't even catch there name

I watch your razor blade float across the water
With the scissors resting on the faucet
But the only thing that cuts deep
Are the thoughts in my head that never leave
I lay dorment til the water gets cold, sometimes fall asleep because I normally don't
Some of my best works have been scribbled down on wet sheets
I used to try wash everything away
Wishing it went down the drain like water
But now all I need is a pen and a few sheets
And I'll feel cleansed again

I've got your name of a calendar full of vacant days
I swear to god they say it should get easier
Everytime the distance pulls you away
But I still get a persistent pain
Everytime the train leaves the station
And you're on your way to that place you call home
We fall asleep Evey night on the phone
But we wake alone
Hoping we can hold this relationship together
Tested by distance

Find somebody with the same gravitational pull
Because you're my world
And I want to get lost revolving around you

You're always growing and getting strong
But you need to let it out if something's going wrong
Don't be rooted down by problems

Peace isn't all its cracked up to be
Maybe we're peaceful and that's why nothings getting done
Just a pile of cards in order
Ready to be played
Terror is fed from the hand it was delt
And the dealer made a choice for  all of us
Maybe he was counting cards

When apart we feel like lost souls floating aimlessly with parts of ourselves missing
But together we know the parts we acquire don't fit each others puzzle
And it's for the best

You cried as the sunset died over sandle castle
As silhouettes glowed red in the distance
You kissed me, told me you loved me
Then we said our goodbyes
The moon was so big that night
I remember inside jokes of me saying the world is ending and if it was that big we'd be dead
If it was destined our last, I guess that would have been a perfect way to die
Caught up in fractured moon light
And ******'s of affection fleeting by
Such a picturesque setting
But now I cry every night
Knowing that it wasn't our final goodbye
Just the beginning of relationship that was fraying from distance
It took a year and half down the line for my heart to be broken
I just hope it doesn't take that long to fix.

I tattoo my thoughts to paper
Hoping that someday somebody will read a line that will change there mind
Help them grow and add new direction to there life
But sadly all my poems aren't joyful and happy
In ten years time I want to look back
And realise I survived the times I thought were darkest
I just want People to realise there not alone  
it's more common than you know
And Evey hurdle is there to be conquered
Just take the time and analyse
In the deepest breaths you'll find a way around

I feel like I have to remind myself daily
Not to **** myself
Write down a list of reasons to stay
But I worry one day the weight is going to become too strong
Weighting down my fragile frame
Anchoring me towards one decision
Most days I feel it's getting better
But others become just too much
I spend my school days playing console games
Keeping my mind the best I could at bay
But now my love is poetry and all I do is pull emotions and thoughts from myself
Strung together in lines instead of choking on words I left at the back on my mind
I know I want to be here
Because I've got so much love
Even though my mind clouds my judgment
From time to time.

The place I go when I'm sleeping
Is right back to the hotel room
Where this all started
Because
You were once a dream
That occupied my consious state
I didn't sleep a wink the first time we shared a bed  
And now you're only here when I sleep
I wake violently to empty sheets
And I always wonder if you ever think of me
I slept an entire twelve hours today and I still ail the kinda tired sleep can't cure

Soon it'll be easier
And the tide will pull me in
Retracting me from your shore
Wiping away memories set in sand
Every kingdom must fall even though they take so long to build
Etiquette and mannerisms lost over night
I wish I was built of sterna stuff
Because not coming back is the hardest thing I've ever known
Knowing that we keep changing our mind
Everything my hand breaches the surface
Or everytime I open my eyes wishing you where here
Scrambling for rocks and relic's and any fragment of time
But I know it's better to let These things die
Something new can be built from the ruins.

I'm scared now
it'll always be the same
We'll lie about forever
argue and refuse to take blame
6 months of medicore happiness for it all end same
And six months more to make sure it cut the right vain
Two halfs of my heart lie on the bedroom floor
One half to be taken and the other half yearning to be complete once more

No one's at the top of the pile
And no one's on the bottom
We should float with each others support
If one link breaks
We should build back up together

If I just lay in the snow
Will it take long to die?
That's what I hoped when I thought about it one time

If you were the tide
And I was the sand
I'd pray for you upon these shores  
To build a castle
That we could call home
And when you decline
My love won't be following far behind

You were my first
First kiss
First love
First everything
Now that you're gone
I worry you'll be my last
But what's certain is this will be the last time I write about you

Our purpose is to leave a mark
Like when my thoughts rush to my finger tips to write them down in ink

A safe place I made
Was a place where I could rest my head
And watch repeats of old TV shows from my bed
But quickly that dream became stale
Instead of escaping through vents
Dark thoughts circled my head  searching for a release
Soon what I loved was no longer my friend

Fighting an everlasting battle
That no one can win
I've been holding my ground
But I've forgotten what my footprints look like and the pattern at the bottom of my shoe when I've made progress

I've made myself remember
My summer's were better than they were
But I've been unwell through all four seasons
Nothing changed in the warmth
The same fluoxetine dose
The same minimum hours of sleep
And a notion drilled into me
That this is a happy place to be.

I felt my organs fighting a good fight
But my body giving in
Declining the offering of nutrients
Do you remember I told you I was going to die?
Do you remember telling me I was the apple of you eye
But I wouldn't even eat the fruit they gave me
The next morning I woke with you by my side
Worrying I didn't make it through the night
And dissent dreams of eating at restaurant's
Feeling out of sight.

I breath in your scent every morning when I wake
So I'll isolate myself in this room so what I have left of you doesn't escape
Like the clothing you carried out in bags
Til death do us part
The words your once muttered in a dream I once had
I'll put a picture of you on the roof of my bunk
Mimick you with a pillow
Cove it in love
I'd video tape killing myself for a moment for your time
Or maybe even three
Because I'll only give up when my lungs give out
And my heart gives in
Because you don't leave as easy as you walked out.

Mimicking summer from my window
Short sleeves and shorts
The radiator heat, The blue skies and sunshine
YouTube and Trophy eyes lives
Mask and disguise the cold outside
I'll get through these months knowing that summer can be a permanent state of mind

The trees are naked and showing their wood

I'm in that headspace
Where everything I say
Gets written down
And maybe
Just maybe one day
In time
These words will form a short sentence or rhyme.

I could forge lies with my tongue
But you wouldn't fall for none of them
You could see the gaps in my stories
And the truth in my eyes
So believe me when I say
Things can only become better with time

Inhale, exhale
Breath you in and out
I may get tired and worn out
But giving up on you is something I won't do
While I have air in my lungs
And a heart that craves to be what you call home

If I had it figured out
I'd help you with your own answer

She says he's Siamese
I swear to god I've seen him read
The newspaper that layers his floor
It tells him the enemy and let's him know the saviour
He's learning humanities faults and failures
I can hear the cats talking loudly late at night in there native tongue
Debating if this is the place to be
There only evidence is the propaganda forced into where they sleep

Being with you is a dream leading to a nightmare
Everytime you have to leave
I don't know if it's getting easier or harder

The space imbetween when we're cuddling tightly
Is far too much
How do you think the distance effects us?

Everytime I picked up a pen I felt progress
And everytime it touched paper the weight of my world had been lifted
Always drawn back to the top of my snare drum
Where I wrote most of my art
Resting on a A4 note pad, trying to figure out the best way to express both my head and my heart
They've always been so far apart
Tuned to different frequencies
But I'll try my best to broadcast both parts

Marching in rhythm to corporate rhyme
Waiting in lines
While the fire inside is dowsed
Burning holes in your pockets right in front of your eyes
Brainwashed by punk
That's got the wrong name on the packet
Companies making money off rage they've tamed
Worshiping a group who haven't been the same since they tasted fame  
I hope it's as sweet as being spoon fed
Scared to take a risk
Because that doesn't sell

I spoke until my throat was sore
Because the list of things I adored about you contained far too many Rs and Ls
My lisp stopped the smooth delivery I'd pictured in my head
Now choking in fear
The stumble shook my confidence  
Like a school boy giving a presentation in front of class
I waited patiently to be graded
Hoping your response was the one I wanted
I didn't want to get into a prestigious school
I just wanted to be with some one has prestigious as you

These tears are a minor leak
I felt overfilled like the bathtub
With the drain as it's only release Still plugged up but some droplets found a dramatic way to make a exit
My blood pours faster, it doesn't wait for doors to open up, just the slightest break in skin
Cuts under sleeves are easier to hide than red eyes
I want to scream
But this is all I've got right now
This is all that remains of the flood
I used my emotions to channel this

I play the drums when the neighbours are gone
Because my bedroom walls are paper thin
We live arm to arm
But not hand in hand
And I don't want them drumming back
When my note pads full and my wallets empty
And I've used all the plain sides of all my mother's letters
If I draw on the walls
Do you think she'll mind?
Do you reckon it'll add value?
If she literally takes my life
Call me Vincent
Van Gogh for short
Notorious after I'm gone
Art's a risk I'll after take

I try to create motivation and inspiration with the words I put in lines
Referencing bands in my work
That have helped me through hard times
Hoping one day I can give back
Has they've given to me
A memorial of sorts
Everytime you read my thoughts
Listen to the records I adored and try work me out

Waiting patiently
For things to get better
Waiting implies standing still but you've got to keep moving to get what you need
Leaving dream catchers out
Falsely believing they'll answer your prayers
But all my believes are solely in myself
Don't wait around for a stroke of luck
Or maybe two magpies to grace your eye line
Stay up late one night
Watch the sunset die
capture those dreams with your own two hands

I held reasons in my lungs
that needed birth, tears in a pillow case that needed to be heard
But engulfed by  medicine
That I was told would help
Things not get any worse
My emotions were dulled
Every four to eight hours
But the reason I was here
Was because I couldn't express the feelings that made me want to leave

I'll gain weight again
By medicating my worries
Till they slip out of sight and my mind feels alright to stand and fight
I know they'll always be there
Enimies waiting at the gate
For the slightest chance to make a charge
But least I'll be gaining, and slowly loosing the only weight that I shouldn't have been bearing