I used to take baths every few hours
Just so time would pass through my fingers like water
Uncontainable like the power my brain held over what remained of me
Fragile has my back hit the bottom
A thin layer of flesh couldn't protect
All I could fathom was metal against bone
Not the comfort I'd once know
But still the warmest I'd been since I'd taken off my clothes
The slightest cold found easy passage to my bones
Wasting time waiting for my body clock to run down
So I could taste the sweet taste of what my body needed
what I forcefully took away from myself
Punishment was all i gifted
Has it hit twelve
For some reason I believed it was fine to eat again
But I could never compete with the two thousand needed to maintain or a score greater to gain.

My redemption started
as I opened my eyes to the new morning sun shine
My eye lashes looked like forrest fires
If I squinted hard enough
As orbs of light danced from the corner of my eyes
Deep breaths and morning sigh's
Captured far too overwhelming familiar smells of home
I realised the days where getting brighter
And I no longer needed the light I hung onto so tightly
The weather was so often used as an excuse to not get out of bed
But then again I'm still sat at my window trying to find the motivation to do it all again

I'm sorry I have a outburst of a cry
In some of the posts and status I write
I'm scared to admit that I need help
But my brain subconsciously sends waves in vessels down to my finger nails
To hint that I need saving
If someone puts the Peices together
It's not attention I'm craving
Just an open hand
Instead of a fist clenched so tightly
I can form the words
spout water from my lungs  
And tell you I'm drowning
But when you ask what's wrong
How do I explain when I have no idea myself ?
I guess this isnt exactly what I imagined progress to look like

Death is needed so we can have life
Fear is needed so we can overcome and strive
There's no going under
These no going around
No corners to cut can be found
Take it in your stride
Go right down the middle
Don't hide or shy away
From the risks you after take
Smash through the cracks in the divide
And master the power you have inside to take control of your own life
You was born to do this

The Gods offered
A blessing of sorts
To live a favourite day over and over til the sun engulfs everything man made
Or to live out your mortal days
The choice chosen was the former
Waking up the next morning to her boyfriend
And a meal and meet up with her friends down at the petting farm
The pattern continued for 20 days and 20 nights forgetting her past each time she opened her eyes
Never learning from her mistakes
The people
The essence of the perfect day
Started to wilt and fade
Not sustainable for a world where the calendar never turned
And craved the unavoidable
Movement forward

You're the summers heat
Beaming down on me
The sound of autumn's leafs
Crunching under feet
you're spring the death of winters cold touch
You're the harvest coming in to add nutrition to my growth
You're as sharp as the winter breeze
And I'll do what I can to be in season
If it doesn't go to plan
And the weather changes
We'll be hand in hand
Because is it love
If it's not unpredictable like the English weather

For four hours
I thought of nothing but the love we made and the food we ate
Empty inside
But not just hungry
I'm terrified of starving
I'm petrified of love
It takes more thought to conjure these words than any poem ever could.

Your mourning was so loud
It woke death himself
Bargaining yourself ten minutes of life to say your final goodbyes
With tears in your eyes
You said I loved you so much
Crossing out the fights from the nights you wasted time
I wish I'd have told you when you was alive
It's sad I only got to tell you from the other side.

Funeral day
The death of my apathy
The people around me cried
Before and after
I couldn't shed a single tear
I couldn't feel anything
Except the cold of the graveyard
Tugging on my shirt
Simply numb at best
I hope my heart of stone
Breaks in this pile of soil
I throw upon your final rest
Am I broken, dead inside
Watching my own burial
From someone eles eyes

We finally got our house
And our first double bed
But the closer we got
The thinner the love spred
Like in the mornings how you used to moan how I buttered my bread
Both laying at oppersite end's
Clinging onto memories of single beds

If all the emotions and feelings I create
Can be represented by colours
When all the paint
Runs away from this A4 slate
I should be left with Gold
Because my mind has been set
And I don't plan to settle for anything less

I woke early today
I finally opened my window
Pulled apart the curtains that hung so perfectly
Better than I ever could
Take a deep breath
And let some air in
I saw the light I've been craving
Since summer left
Me suffocating
By default
You became my stepping stone
To get me closer to the sun
Just sit back and watch me grow
No longer will I wilt under your overbearing knock off glow

All they saw was death and mourning  
As they layed you in the ground
I saw something beautiful
A bouque of flowers bloomed
Has you became one with the earth
A fresh start
For you to write the wrongs
With the people who surrounded
Parting ways with forgiveness and love  
Hearts full of cherished stories
A chapter closes
But the book never shuts

Spending time harvesting forbidden fruits with you
Was never a waste of my youth
Days shaped into the form of each other
Most winter nights
We didn't open our eyes
Till the sun rested it's head again
Waking only in darkness
But your morning face Shone so brightly
Like a gap in the curtains the sun broke through
Affecting my sight
But opening my eyes
Wider than they've ever been before
So I could see
The simplicity I needed in my life
Spending nights waking up complaining
About aches and back pains
Just to spend another night
Doing the exact same
Cramped up in a single sized bunk bed
Living the dream
I once created in my sleep
Before I woke up to you

I worry when I'm drowning
In sentences
Trying to force them into lines
Where they don't fit
Always kicking in panic
Casting them aside  
But always Hoping for a safe return  
So I can throw them together
And create something

On one hand
It's one of those days
I fail to string a sentence together
But on the other
I'll form a line
And hang this old birthday banner
And celebrate
The day my head is silent

Soon is the time
We'll have to say our final goodbyes
Just another mear chapter in life
But I've written down and memorised mortal moments we shared
Immortalised and sealed
To be posted down the line
I know you never got to greet with smiles
But my sister, Your granddaughter
Is expecting her first child
Soon is the time
I'll have to say my first hello
Just another mear sign of time passing by

Life isn't a enemy to anyone
But the dead

You're my graveyard
A safe place to rest
Where I never feel alone

Staring at these walls for so long The only expression I could form
Was has blank as them
Because they couldn't see
What I could hide
Behind photo framed smiles
Cracks subside but never die
I won't lie to you
Like I lie to them
Because I believe your eyes
When you tell me
I can overcome the symptoms I'm harbouring

I can see your eyes
Tearing up with dust
You've triped from grace far too many times
The rest of you
Has fallen Though the floor
Your finger nails clinging onto old accolades and awards
As your feet lay under floorboards

The teeth inside my head
Swollowed
And overdosed on doubt
Clamping my jaw shut
The only thing that poured out
Was oxygen
Escaping my lungs
Adding fuel
To a already bitter furnace
Inflating a over indulged balloon
Ready to expload

I want to sink into you
Drown in temptation
But I'm scared to submerge my head
I don't want to be blinded
And loose my senses again
I love you
Sounds so sweet underwater
Even if it's muffled and broken
But I've got faith
To not let one mistake
Discourage me from another
let the water clean the slate
And when I re-emerge
Your words just sound the same
We'll bask in the sunshines glow

Of all the words I struggle to say
There was only three
Where I went all in
And risked it all
They found refuge
In my cheek
So I stumble when I speak
But they couldn't resist
When you moved In for a kiss
The words got cancelled out
When they eventually fell from my mouth
By the redness in my cheeks
And my heartbeat
My chest became a pillow once again  

I hope you find comfort in my jumpers
When I can't be there.

I'm not a master
I'm a slave to the words I've wrote
Because these words haunt
And have never been spoke
Travel down the ear canal
To be met with a abrupt end
They become a language you bearly understand

I always doubt
What remains on the page
When the rest has been crossed out
I wish you could see
What didn't make the final cut
Believe me
Someone
May fall in love

It's painful to read lines
That once meant so much
But now mean nothing at all

I can't wait for you to come over
Leave memories
In the form of wrappers
On my floor
But when you leave
I'll be left with ruins
A place holder as such
Leave a mark on me
An historical reminder
That will remain
as a poem in a book

Bleeding gums
Drowning in the sweetest of taste's
You're everything that my dentist hates
Brace for the feeling
Of teeth falling out of place
Forever waiting on loves sweet grace
Something that no one eles can replicate
Counterbalance and cleanse the palate
Help me disengage from the kiss of a snake
And the blood raining down my face
Clotting in your name
Because this is loves true kiss
A feeling of bliss
I could never get anywhere eles

I'm starting to fall in love with myself
More and more
With each passing day
The flaws I once saw as enimies
Have now become my friends
I've found strength
Under skin once damaged by doubt
I've always been on top
I never really came back down
Don't worry darling
I can see the ever gaping holes
I pray for you, I beg
I hope you see the effort I've made
To patch them up and grow
We've got little to no time
So I'll live for now
And forget tomorrow exists
You can have these words
Steal them if you must

I walked all the way from the other room
To show my motivation isn't breaking
With words you need to consume
Promise to regurgitate and keep passing them on
Remember there's never a step too small
When you feel anchored down
And trapped behind walls
The use of "all the way" makes it seem like miles
The truth is
It was only a few feet of tiles
This rooms got better connection
And this is the only time I don't struggle to connect

I've got a house  
Full of broken parts
And the lights don't work
So we'll sit in the dark
Build a tower to find a signal
for this old TV
But believe me
this is the happiest I've ever been
Cuddle up on the sofa
That's older
Than the years I've had
I'll open the door to the delivery man
Feel the cold winter air through my spooky pajama pants
I'll bring the covers down
Feel your cold hands upon my knee
But believe me
this is the warmest I've ever been

Play victim
Make me lose my head
And say something I'll regret
You know you're in the wrong
So focus on the former
And don't let the latter kick in
Anything but the matter
Ignoring all the questions
So you can play blind to the facts
Hide behind your mask
Created from turning your back
I'll hide behind mine
Created by doubt and always bringing up the past
I wish I could scream and shout like you

I'll plant a seed
This is the turning of new leaf's
I won't sink into the ground again
Drowning in wet soil
I'll remain
Following the vine deep down to the roots
Cast aside
The earth
That covered these open wounds
Burried so long
In far too familiar
Unmarked tombs
Plant a new seed as soon as you need
It's never too later to start again

Caught up in a paradox
Missing you before you arrive
And just before you leave
But also dreading the imbetween
The count down period for when you leave
We only get one night
But I'll hold it together
Fight the urge to cry
Knowing the next one is in plain sight

I have the same wish for you
As I do the snow
That you won't settle
And you'll go
Exactly where your heart yearns
That place that feels closest to home
Melt through the surface
Right to the core
And find that inner warmth
Hot fire's and Coco galore

Holding time so tightly
With you in one hand
Hoping that it might stop
Giving me the chance
To align the words I struggle to find
Time after time trying to make the perfect line
Something so much sweeter than I love you
If we don't sleep tonight maybe tomorrow won't happen
And the train's won't take you  away

Under my Jean folds
There lies a world of art
An octopus and a ghost under the calf
The front harbours an alien
Craving validation
And to be  more than just a figure head
Mocked by the words on his shoulder
And his challenger to the right
His fight will be permanent
Staking claim to the land he occupies
Blank spaces are new territories to be claimed
And named
After the Victors of a minor sting

I haven't lived since you've been gone
I've been living like a ghost for far too long
This haunting is all wrong
When it's happening in reverse
My head's cursed
I've been loosing sleep from the sound of creaking floors
Right outside my bedroom door
And photos falling once hung from walls
Now I spend my days staring up at empty ceilings
Where My only friend is the streak of paint where the lights used be
Before we revamped the place we believed we'd never leave
I'm used to loosing light and the sight needed to grow
But what I know
I've never been scared of the dark

I hate writing
I confess
I detest words on paper
They never convey what I'm truly trying to say
So I've decided to keep on writing
Because I love the feelings my mind brings
It sometimes hits home and stings
But I guess my love and hate have to collaborate
I confess this doesn't make much sense
But make a story in your head
Take what you want from this

Can you imagine growing old without the self love you're truely owed
Looking for validation
From the Joker in the pack
Offered a hand
Not dealt to plan
That no one really understands
And believe me
You'll receive nothing much eles
But the cards you're dealt
And the self love that you've earned for yourself

Lay awake
Watch the birth of a new day
It's been ages since I slept right through the night
It's almost like the days have become better than the dreams my head creates
The grass has become greener on the other side
Sleep deprived
But my eyes have never been opened so wide
Creep inside my head
Experience what it's like spending years fighting with yourself
Just to get out of bed
Trapped inside walls built so hign
Lego brick ***** traps stationed like mines
But it's fine
I've decided to make my days better than my nights
I've gained the sight to see I'd rather live in a daydream

I want to make a difference
Change the system
Open up new doors an see flaws
And receive assistance
To open up your eyes and realise everyone's different
Held down by persistence
Searching for a myth of perfection that isn't in existence

Host a party for my words
As they gain age they never change
They grow old with grace
No matter my mental state
I'll give you some words that matter
That don't shatter
when they leave my tongue
I hope they hurt as they stick into your feet
Like a stake through the seems
So I can rebuild you from the ashes and start a new
Let you see you
Through my eyes like I do
Least you'll understand my  master plan
To make people believe and perceive
They can relieve there demons

I express my moods with weather types
And my growth through nature
Because I guess we're all clinging onto the sun's
Warmth and better days
Spent finding ourselves
Filled with good health
Long socks and shorts
Pop punk anthems and talks
About how we'll be better off next year
It comes around so quickly
And I'm still mocked by my evergreen for being under the weather

I'm finding hope
In the weirdest of places
Check the cracks in the foundation's
Before you cover them up
Because I'm sure there's something you can take away from every storm
Every fall gives you the chance to stand up tall
Regroup your thoughts
And keep a positive mind set in that head of yours
I've had the strive to survive
In a toxic environment for far too long
Now the saplings have grown
Mighty and strong
Cleansing the air inherited by my lungs

I've met the demon that's lurking behind your smile
With his mighty straw as long as the length of time
Ready to **** your emotions right back from the corner of your eyes
He'll Keep it bottled up so he can drink til he's drunk
And fill that hole that's been so long vacant of love
I always got told two negatives don't make a right
But If a positive collides
Is it possible to negotiate with both sides
And shine some light
On the darkness the negative feels inside
I've had practice controlling mine
Now the angel on my shoulder is the keeper of peace of mind
Maybe our horns and wings can make a right

It's hard to sell myself
When I can't even sell myself to me
Made in god's image
Bet he didn't get very far in art
I'm a mirror but frankly I can't stand the sight
Not broken by bad luck
Just bent by knuckles coated in glass
Guess I need to practice what I preach
I'll wait at the steeple
Till I find a justifiable reason for this internal beating
I can't smell the roses anymore
My thorns are deep under my skin
And the tainted glassers only focus on negatives
Can I ever win?
Imagine a movie where the good  and bad guy are one and the same
Going round and round forever in vain
Self harm doesn't always reach the surface
I wish hope was as easy as some songs make out
Stop wishing, waiting
On a shooting star
Stop wishing, waiting
On a man in the stars
Did those birthday candles get you far?

I've spent a year trying to find myself
And I still haven't checked behind the couch
They say the hardest parts reversing
But I find ease in loosing ground
Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough
But my mind's filled with the same amount of optimism as doubt
I'm just a sum you'll never properly work out
The irony
In you'll find it in the last place you'll look
So I checked my old CDs because they always gave a ****
Follow a track list to a simplified time
Where my only crime
Was listening to songs about the devil and a realist life

Making Smiley faces with tattoo ink and safety pins
Putting childhood fridge drawn art on wasted skin
Finger paints and pasta shells were not artists but I'm sure we can't mess this one up, lines and dots wonky smiles and tired eyes
The face your parents make don't look so bad compared to there youthful mistakes
Sentenced to hard time
Full sleeves before nap time
Tattooed tears down your face cursing the ones who left you in this place