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824 · Jul 2021
It makes me sad
Cat Jul 2021
It makes me sad that I can’t seem to find a way.
The entrance even seems so far a way
Each door a new beginning or an end to one.
I can not help but feel like there’s not a single one
A single one, worth the trek.
Sometimes I just feel like a wreck.
Cat Aug 2019
Where grey skies fill my mind,
You are the sunshine that fills me .
You are the sunburn that annoys me,
But also warmth that comforts me.
When sunshine creeps in and wakes me,
It also gives me light to lead me.
The sunshine clears the grey clouds away.
Cat Sep 2019
I feel weird,
And I feel relieved.
Your face is so soft
And your breathe is so warm.

This is a new feeling,
Sure but so unsure.

I want love
And I want no more pain.
I need you here,
And I need a promise to never leave.

New love,
Old expectations.
367 · Mar 2022
I want to die
Cat Mar 2022
I want to die
But I can not right now
It’s scary and forever
But it is sounding so nice
Right now

It’s overwhelming and
I feel frustration
On a daily rotation
I cry and complain

You're always there for me
I feel like I am emotionally
Draining to you my dear
I want to not feel this way
But everything feels not ok

Please take away this feeling
Because I feel way too much
It is like I am always overfilling
Emotions always cloud my day
I get stressed and I can not focus
On really anything or anyone that matters

I feel selfish and annoying and rude
I can not help it and I am sorry
I feel useless and I want out
I want to not exist but also have a happy
oh so happy life.
Please fix me, please save me,
I’m so scared without you.
365 · Sep 2019
A goodbye
Cat Sep 2019
The drive to the airport
Quiet, an unbarring silence.
Sweaty hands interlocked;
Afraid to let go

Afraid I might cry if you let go;
One last goodbye;
Until I see you again,
Until we intertwine again.
348 · Sep 2019
A dream
Cat Sep 2019
So warm,
So new.
Closer,
Come closer.
A tingling air,
Ridged with fear
Now a shared air,
Calm with sweet smells
Beating heart,
Rhythmically shared here.
A smile that tore through confusion,
And a face that shined adversely.
A kiss that could..
Could find my way back home
A poem me and a girl read together after I was left in a country I was unfamiliar with in a dream. This was as close as I got recreating this poem I read in my dream.
348 · Feb 26
Jealous
Cat Feb 26
I’m jealous of you.

You had more time,
More opportunities,
More time to be a kid,
And more time with your mom.
You won’t have to bury her
When you’re 23
Or plan her funeral.
You get to live life for yourself, uninterrupted;
Without the burden of trying to hold together your family.
Im happy you won’t experience this,
For a long while.
And while I don’t want to be,

I’m still jealous.
293 · Jul 2019
I need to be like the rest
Cat Jul 2019
It chases me;
Waiting to ambush and attack,
Nerves overtaking my chest,
Avoiding to  impress.
Why can’t I just act like the rest?

Bruised and battered,
Used and old,
But you’re so beautiful
Every scar, scratch a story told
So perfect, yet so many scars.
Why can’t I just see like the rest?

Scared and afraid of what to come,
Afraid of more scars.
Useless and imperfect
I want to be perfect;
But there is no undoing a scar.
Why can’t I just heal like the rest?

When you lie to yourself,
It hurts the most;
Trying to smile away the shame,
Disappointing a past self.
A past shell of myself grasping,
Gnawing at my own expectations.
I need to be like the rest.
Any critiques would be really appreciated!
276 · Mar 2021
Adult thoughts
Cat Mar 2021
You always trusted that adult
With life figured out.
As you got older
You became that adult
With nothing figured out
272 · Jul 2019
In a moment
Cat Jul 2019
A shallow breath crease these pages,
A  cry for help goes unnoticed.

The cool heat of this itch,
Embers of light return,
Even if it’s just for a moment.

Where the excessive taps fade and stirring quiet ensues; the tears sting these wounds.
These wounds I have found a warm, numbing comfort in.
252 · Oct 29
Leaves
Cat Oct 29
Leaves will still fall at autumn,
And giving thanks around a table,
Will proceed as normal.
Merry tidings will still pass.

And birthdays will come,
As we all grow a little older.

Life will proceed;
I will keep on going,
And I will try not to cry this year
When the leaves begin falling.
211 · Oct 2019
A poets moment
Cat Oct 2019
She closes her eyes and thoughts arise
Quiet blankets the mind
Blue light filters on as
Words warm the tired soul

The fear disrupts the frame of time
Words of mouth distract the mind
Sounds quiet down
As the words start straightening out.
211 · Jul 2019
Why is the sky crying?
Cat Jul 2019
The clouds erupt in tears;
Winds thrash with fever.
The sky cries today;
Unrelenting tears making waves below.

Fish careen through the seas;
Swimming in reckless abandon.
Plants sweat with desperation;
Why is the sky crying.

Walls ***** to mask the need;
Raindrops race to feed.
Dogs hide to ease the fear;
Concealing the want.

A want and a need;
Grow and intertwine.
We mask what we need;
Announcing what we can not want.
197 · May 28
Fog
Cat May 28
Fog
When you died;
Everything was different.
How I moved, thought,
And saw the world
Changed forever.

A switch went off in my brain that day
and a fog machine turned on.
And as I try to walk through daily
I become disoriented,
Stumbling through the best I can,
As the machine continues on.
But the fog is getting thicker;
And It’s getting hard to breathe.

I’m starting to get scared,
That I’ll never make it through.
But I’m even more afraid that
Once the fog clears,
There is nothing but dead air left.
185 · Oct 2019
Voices of the night
Cat Oct 2019
Surges of fear
Overtaking what we hear.
Where does the madness end?
Shadows of the day freed at last.

Voices of chaos
Shouting and crying
Where can we be free?
Feeling trapped again tonight.
The last part I’m not sure about but suggestions would be appreciated! :)
179 · Jun 2019
A tribute
Cat Jun 2019
A silent deception on the surface;
A loud discontent on all sides.
True grief on the inside
A hollowed out cube of family misconception.

Why did I only get to know you once you
passed?
If only i could go back in time;  
To before all the misinformation.
A solemn mistake I can not take back.

I’m sorry grandpa I really will miss you;
Please forgive all my misgivings.
175 · Jan 2020
Arguments
Cat Jan 2020
Something is amiss
Lips without a kiss.
Anger cloud
And it is loud.
Try to stay mute
Cause your not being cute.
163 · Feb 2020
Mom pt. 2
Cat Feb 2020
I am scared and want to say why,
But you will not hear or even listen.
You have made your decision,
Even counting all the broken promises.

I want to help and say I love you;
But I can not help on a loop,
Especially if you will not accept it.
Please just see all I want is you back.

I need to take a step away,
I am exhausted and will not fight.
Emotionally drained,
Mom please just come back.
I’m tired, so so tired.
160 · Jun 2019
Someone not there
Cat Jun 2019
Lay closer,
I need to feel you next to me.
Come closer,
I need you to be here for me.

Commands are useless
Pleas are meaningless
What I need is reality;
You are not here.

You will never be here again;
I live in perpetual denial.
Yet I still feel you.
Here I go again.

Please stay,
I need you to keep me sane.
148 · Oct 2020
Time with you
Cat Oct 2020
Time passes by
And does not wait.
Consistently though,
Patiently you care

Years ago
When we met in math,
All we could do was
Smile and laugh

Years to come
We still share laughs
Silliness and seriousness
Forever we will last.
141 · Jan 2020
Mom
Cat Jan 2020
Mom
I saw myself in you
But I did not want to.
You had problems
And you still do.
This does not make me
Love you less.
I am scared of being
Someone I love but
Not someone I like.
It hurts to say
Because i know
That you love me.
A broken relationship
One that wants to mend.
134 · Jul 2019
What I love about us
Cat Jul 2019
The way we fit perfectly in each others arms;  
Or how we explore each other minds freely and openly.
This is what I love about us.

Light has consumed my tender heart;
Even now as you grasp it a ray escapes.
You hold my heart kindly and without hesitation.
As my heart grows heavy with all the hardships of life, I know you will still hold my heart with the same tenderness as we grey.

You keep me sane and safe.
Everyday I get closer;
Closer to your trust,
Closer to your heart,
And closer to be your everything.
This is what what I love about you.
133 · Aug 2020
Bubbling anger
Cat Aug 2020
The tides thrash violently
With quick indecisiveness,
Incoherently teetering with
Abrasive candor.

The storm cleaves through
Swiftly and unremitting.
Callous destruction
Wavering into tranquility.    

Calm and serene
Still water under a tentative sun,
Decidedly not blue.
Fictitious placid waters,
Hide a tumultuous storm brewing.
124 · Feb 2020
Bad day
Cat Feb 2020
Not too kind,
Closed in mind;
Ready to die.
All I want to do is cry.

Scared to go,
I am my own foe.
Lack of empathy,
Relying on you so heavily.

Please forgive me,
And I hope we can agree,
I am not perfect;
Even as a defect.

It has been a bad day,
with you, something better is underway.
Eh, wrote this to feel better. It kinda worked.
105 · Aug 2020
Black lives still matter
Cat Aug 2020
A country in turmoil and change;
A change that has been reverently waiting.
A quiet loud that has been crying,
Patiently waiting to unfurl their black wings.
For allies to hear, really hear:
Cries of decades of oppression.
It is time to break the chains,
Stand tall together,
And tell stories that need to be told.
Raise up, condemn this racist past and demand equality;
Real equality.
Because black lives matter.
89 · Oct 31
Dread piles
Cat Oct 31
It’s getting to that time of year;
Where life dulls,
Hearts tighten,
And days just mull through.

Because when the air becomes frigid
And life passes in slow motion;
Dread piles,
Like the dead leaves on the ground.

And when I feel that familiar unnerving tug
Like a leaf that tries to hold on,
As the chill of autumn approaches;
I know that
We’re closing in on another year
Without you,
Mom.

— The End —