Your desire fuels me
I dance around your flames
Feeding you passion
Your inner most desires
Those that you did and did not know
I revel in your chemical reactions
The colors that you turn
And soon your flames leak out
Of the circle I’ve built around you
Warming my toes
Biting my heels
Bringing comfort
And fear
Yet not enough of either
So I don’t run
But I keep my eyes trained on you
Ready for whatever you may have in store
Weary of all that I know you will bring

Until you do right by me
Everything you think about will fall
Your flowers will wilt
And karma will call
The price will paid in sacrifice
And blood
For the lies that you’ve told
And your betrayal of love

For every time you looked at me
And asked me how bad you were
I held my words at the tip of my tongue
And let them slide like glass
To back of my throat
Even now
The words are like *****
Scraping my lungs
Cutting free at my chest
Desperate to be heard
I swallow gulps of prayers
Afraid that if anything except love
And flowers erupt
I will be cursed for what seems like another eternity
So I write
And I dream
And I wait
For the shards to emerge
And pierce skin again
Hopeful that this time it is your skin
Instead of mine.

Things I don’t want:
To be a someone’s project.
A missionary’s quest for redemption and salvation from their depts owed to their universe
Things I don’t want:
To be imperfect.
To have my mask ripped from my hands
And reveal the cracks across a face of China
The scars I’m trying so desperately to heal
Things I don’t want:
Feelings.
Feelings of abandonment, distrust, insecurity
Things I don’t want:
Feelings.
Feelings that are too sincere
Because sincerity is subjective and unreliable
Things I don’t want:
More nightmares
The kind that happen wherever you sit or stand
That cloud your eyes and make your head hurt
That can follow you like a fog throughout the day, and week,
and month
Things I don’t want:
More tears
And pain
That you can’t find to blame on anyone but yourself
For getting your hopes up again
Even when you know from your past you shouldn’t
Things I don’t want:
To travel backwards
Into a place I hoped I’d never go back to again
Because it was too dark
And draining
And I don’t have that energy to spare again
Things I don’t want:
More sad poems
Because sad poems mean you’re sad in real life
And not just on the lines of a piece of paper
And I just want to be happy

You know it's crazy
How in one months time everything can change
I look back on all the tears I wasted
The nights I cried for you
And to you
And you could not be moved
The nights that were the darkest
Where it took all I had not to crawl out of my skin
And I wonder how could I
Have placed so much into another imperfect human being
But now
My eyes have cleared
And I no longer keep my head above water
I float. And I marvel in it.
Because now I realize
That you are not my universe
Just like loving him was not in my nature
And those before him were not gods
I am the master of what is
And God is the master of what will be
And knowing this
Has changed my life

Bitter fruits
And upset stomachs
It's time for a new harvest

Little brown girl
With eyes filled with pain
Didn't I teach you
Not to give love in vain
Haven't you learned
All life's lessons to give
To not cling to the past
But to let go and live?

Little brown girl
With eyes filled with guilt
Won't you break down these walls
Around you that you've built
You let anyone in
Then push everyone out
How can you live life
When you hoard all this doubt

Little brown girl
With eyes filled with sorrow
Don't you remember I told you
New life dawns with tomorrow
That your beauty is radiant
And your hearts made of gold
Just keep on pushing forward
And keep Gods hand to hold.

Theres a guilt that you feel
When everything is going right
But you can't stop thinking about the one thing that went wrong
There's a guilt that you feel
When you spend an entire day content
But still find time at night
For one sad song
One lonely memory
Theres a guilt that you feel
When you've gained everything you need
And still long for everything you want
You remember the hurt
And the strain
But you can't help it
There's a guilt that you feel
When you can wake up with a smile
And can only think about how bright it
used to be
Even if it came after a night of crying
There's a guilt that you feel
When the sun is shining on your skin
And the wind is blowing through your window
And all you can think about
Is how happy they must be
without you
There's a guilt that you feel
For wanting the one thing that hurts you the most
When you know deep down
All you want is to be free.

So many beautiful memories
Tainted
But I will remember
100 reasons
Why we almost were
Why we could have been
Even if
In love I was alone
I'll hide them away
For slow songs and tipsy nights
And I'll remember
Every reason I had to smile
And feel
And grow
And I'll thank God for that

Love is patient
Love is kind
It leaves no room for regrets
It leaves only strength for forgiveness
Love is conditional
But with conditions
Come understanding
A thirst for knowledge
A passion for growth
Love is steady
It does not engulf and burn out
Like a flame
It only grows
It warms
It heats
But it never burns
Love is not pain
It is precise
It is intentional
It is not a blade to your wrist
Love is healing
It sees your demons
And soothes your fears
Love is trustworthy
It does not falter
It does not fail
Love is God
It sees you in a way no one else can
It sacrifices in a way no one else will

What a fool she is
What a fool to believe in love

I don't deserve this
I pulled down moons and suns
And spread constellations at your feet
I don't deserve this
I ripped my heart in half
To ensure yours remained in tact
I don't deserve this
I lost my mind in currents
Daily
Just to bury my feet within your shores
I DONT DESERVE THIS
I've bathed in darkness
Just to remain your light
I don't deserve a broken heart
I don't deserve
To wonder where I went wrong
I don't deserve to wonder
Why I'll never be good enough
I don't deserve this

I was the one who worked to show you things you hadn't experienced before

I was the one who convinced you it was okay to take care of yourself

I was the one you ran to when you had nightmares

I was the one who made sure you got enough sleep

I was the one who woke you up even after I knew you didn't

I was the one you called midday with your frustrations

I was the one you called midday with your break downs

I was the one who told you you weren't too broken to build

I was the one that held you to a certain standard

I was the one that made sure you were covered at night

I was the one who covered you with prayers no matter how mad I was

I was the one who reminded you to pray and give praise

I was the one who checked on you even when no one knew you needed to be checked on

And you

You are the one who broke me in two.

The one who made me choose between you and myself

The only thing I'd loved more than me

That's why I kept choosing you

It's why I must keep forcing myself to choose me today

Because I know you've already chosen yourself.

I choose you
Despite your flaws
And harsh words written on your back
I choose you
There will never be
an indiscretion I will
not face by your side
Because I choose you
Through every broken promise
And every broken dream
I choose you
When you choose the ones
who cannot love
but can always receive it
I will choose you
To face each dawning day
And prayerful night
I choose you
To love and cherish
To break and build
I choose you
I choose you
I choose you.

Shall I turn a blind eye?
Take every misdemeanor and
assume responsibility
Against my being
Break my pride in half
To make room
For the infidelities against my faith?
Maybe I'm naive
To believe the universe
Could conspire in my favor
Just this one time
I place my hands
Bruised and ******
Against a book of religion
In preparation for the trial
ahead
Who is the accused?
Maybe I am
Maybe I should take the stand anyway
I am not guilty
I am not innocent
There will never be justice

What you seek
and hope to find
is big of heart
and strong of mind
Articulate
with will of steel
A knowing hug
A kiss to heal
And in trust shall never falter
Would be a sin to try and alter
Something so sweet
Hard to be found
Twas heaven sent
And heaven bound.

Chocolate skin
Adonis's kin
My man, of all men
steps down from his pedestal
and offers me a flower

Roses are red
And violets are blue
He says give me your heart
so I can too
so I do..
But my hands turn up empty

Still I follow him
through forbidden lands
Waiting for my share to hold
And the light is bright
And the grass is green on the other side
But too soon it grows dark
And I reach out my hand
for him to hold
But he's gone

Dark hair blended in with the night
Eyes one with the stars
He takes my heart with him

Still I walk golden paths
Searching for what I lost
Wondering if I want it back
It was always his
I just wanted what was mine

Where I'm at
is where I want to be
With family and friends surrounding me
A happiness no one can fee

Where I'm at
is where I want to stay
Opportunities laid forth upon a tray
With simple goals of work and play

Where I'm at
I firmly stand
When if I want it I just reach out my hand
And my heart is as strong
as soiled land

Where I'm at
I want to be
where content flows like warm honey
And so my pillow is where I lay
With dreams of only yesterday
And other thoughts shall remain banned
from my castle in summer sand
And deep inside I'll hide the key
Cause where I'm at
I want to be

I stand beside you
Unnoticed

Can you hear my words?
They encourage YOU
They lift YOU

I pick you up
When the world puts you down
And brush you off
with a mother's tender love

I lay in your shadow
To be your wind in tough times
Spread your wings and fly!

I brush the crust from
your eyes
And greet you with new light
and promises for tomorrow..

But do you see me?
I am your equal
Do you hear my song?
Can you feel my presence?

Embracing you
Nourishing you
Taking from myself for YOU
To please YOU
To bless YOU
To love YOU

No pain is greater
Than to go
Unnoticed

Darkness binds
Beneath my blind fold
Am I so ignorant?
I walk the earth on sunshine
Burning the soles of my feet
Beware the queen
of blood diamond eyes
and thorned crown!
She fears the world
and sees not but that above her
Blessed are those adorned on her pedestal
****** are the lowly and meek
The people cry out
I turn a deaf ear
And walk on through flames
As they burn past my layers
Exposed to all
But blind to the truth

And I give you my heart
A novelty beheld to all
Without walls or barriers
The beating part
Of what makes me whole
The only thing I can willingly give
Fragile in trust it lays with you
Beware of sharp corners
On jagged roads we'll travel
Keep it safe
And close to your own

The tiredness behind my eyes
Keeps me awake
I push through

Asleep inside
I shut down
Internally
I go dark

No thoughts
No dreams
No breath
No desires
I hush

Its cold
But I'm awake
Focused
I work

I gave in
To keep up
Stayed back
To push forward
I push through

I can hear it beating
From it's box on the shelf
Tucked away in shadow
I can hear it breaking
Drowning
Its cracks mending with ice
Frozen in time
I can hear it calling
Everywhere I go
Its sounds memorized
Echoed and repeated
I can hear it searching
Even when I run
I hide
I close my door and throw away the key
I can hear it
Its in my smile
Its in my hair
Its in my hands
I can hear it breaking

A different smile
A different set of lips
You're not mine
Where is my heart?
Gone
Eyes one with the stars
Black hair blended in with the night
The path has changed
Golden bricks replaced with
hard cobbled stone
A winding path
Where is my heart?
The sun breaks through
And I set out for another day
Another hour
Another voice
It's not mine
It's not yours
Where is my heart?
I battle the storms
Wind, sleet, rain
Another battle by myself
Who will fight for me?
Where is my heart?
I brave new trials
Cross valleys
Climb mountains
But all that awaits is another road
More stones
More sky
Where is my heart?
And I'm tired..
The nights grow cold
And only old memories seem to warm
All I want is whats mine
Where is MY heart?

The road we've traveled was far from perfect
But it was our road
We got lost
between the trees
But we always found each other
Always.
Two hearts.
One beat.
Like a drum they beat
Forever.
Eyes one with the stars
I'll follow their light
Lead me anywhere
I'll come to you
Always.
And when I find you
I'll love you.
Because you are mine
And I am yours
Two hearts
One beat
Forever.

How many times
have I looked up at your face
And lost myself
Instantly falling
Love warming my chest
1000 candles dancing
A flame I pray never goes out
Because what I see
Makes me hope for forever
I pray for growth
To watch you cross those thresholds
That will lead you only closer to me
How can someone's lips do that
to me?
How can someone's eyes hold so much pain
And pride
I **** myself with questions
And still you bring me back to life
Sweet agony
This must be purgatory
I have no incentive to leave.

I wonder if I hug you

One more time

Will i fade into you ?

My pulse inside your shadow

Can you hear me against your chest

Melting

Defying Zeus

We recreate

What was torn apart

My other half

We blend

Like water color

We mesh

Like puzzle pieces

I fade into you

One more time

I fade in .

In my mind I trace night skies across your eyelid

Sweet perfection

The world at peace

The rumble of clouds in your breath

Nature speaks in your being

I see the coal in your skin

The sun setting on your lips

The smoke of mountains in your curls

I watch you sleep

and memorize the plains of your face

The curve of your nose

Only to hope I can remember enough

to dream of the heavens in your smile

The soothing downpour of your voice

The sunshine of your presence

The lightning in your touch

Surely God reached his hand

down into Mother Earth

to form this

His sweetest creation .

One day I will find someone that respects my kindness

And my time

And the little bit of ******* patience I save

Only for rainy days

I don’t think people realize how much love takes.
Its more than time, and a little patience and loyalty.
Love is a lifestyle.
Its how you talk,
how you walk down a street,
its how you live your life.
I have a talent for coming across broken hearts.
And I know I have the power to change all of that.
I can be there for you in the middle of the night when you can’t breathe
and you feel like everything around you is crashing.
I can cook you meals and rub your back.
I can love you to sleep and have you wake up to me stroking your hair, ready to give even more.
Show even more.
Guide you just a little bit more.
I'll be your friend,
your partner in crime,
your packmate,
your mother.
Anything you need.
But I can’t promise you forever.
They don’t realize that.
I can’t promise one day I won’t change my mind.
I can’t promise every day I'll look at you
like you’re the best thing thats ever happened to me.
I’ve broken more than one heart.
And I hate it.
What’s love if it isn’t forever?
Why give all of me in vain?
It will hurt you.
It will hurt me.
It will ruin friendships.
It will ruin memories
Good memories.
Great memories.
I’m doing you a favor, by saying no.
I will not love you.
I will not be there when you wake up.
I will not be there when you fall asleep.
Because I feel it deep down.
I know Im not your blessing, and you’re not mine.
So lets skip it.
The arguing.
The tears.
Lets mend our paper cuts and avoid the stitches
and the scars.
Because what is love
if it is not forever?

Sometimes

My heart shudders

And ripples in fear

And I imagine

Touching my stomach

For fear of what my future child

One day may have to endure

One day may have to see

One day may have to think

One day may have to feel …

I was too eager to be loved
Too eager to fill this space
Carved and conformed into the perfect place
To fit into another's hand
I was too eager
For heart eyes and butterflies
Those things I knew..
I knew they only existed in fairytales
I was way too eager
To take your words
and have them be reality
Not another chapter book
But a love song
Chopped and *******
My mood a reflection of only greater
things the future would bring
Not a ballad but an orchestra
Of strings and flutes
Bass chello and harps
Vibrating
Pounding out reverberated heart beats
In perfect synchronization
I was too eager
To give you things you didn't deserve
Because fate told me the here and now
Were all there was and now was the time
Now
Now I see
where I went wrong
I was too eager.

Guardian angel
I watch over you as you sleep
Now its my turn
In slumber
Trace the skies
Make your path
Always back to me
Waiting
Expectant
For your return to heaven
For your return to earth

I don't deserve
What you so willingly give
It's not mine to have
Too perfect for these hands
Scarred
Unsteady
I can't hold it anymore
What if you took it back
And one day
Give it away
To an artist
Who can mold
And clutch
And build
And I'll find a heart
Like mine
Flawed
Easier to hold
Similar to mine
But you keep mine
Take this part
Its yours
And when that artist
Smoothes her hands
over crumbled clay
Add my piece
And make it art
Make it beautiful

Ties bind.
Choking lust.
And love
Sometimes love
Break these chains
That bind me to you
I pray for rain and rust

"See I know what, we've got to do.
       You let go. And I'll let go too."

Cause see..

No one, has entrapped me,
more than you
And no one ever will.
Bound to you.
Slavery in rapture
Let me go.

There was a time
Where it was only us
Only our voices
Only our shadows
Our whispers
Late at night
No one saw us
The real me and you
The love
All that love

But dawn has come
And with the morning dew
it evaporates
Ever in our reach
Never in our sight
It floats
High and Free
All that love
High
and
Free
Away from us

It plays on our skin
Its heaviest just before it leaves
Leaving marks so we remember

So hard to imagine so much
So hard to forget even a little
That love
All that love

Shy away from the flames
Burning
Too close to my heart
Melting cracks
Heating nerves
I used to know
Extinguish the fire
That brings back feelings
That I locked away
Tightly
Under lock and key
And ice
They burn too bright
And it hurts
I remember how it hurts
And my arms grow weary
Of beating the flames
beating the flames
beating the flames.

I don't wanna tell you it hurts
That I wasn't ready to let go
That somewhere
Between today and yesterday
I made up lies
To convince myself
That I wasn't attached
But I was wrong
Cause it was after
The anger
and the arguing
When you held me close
That I realized
I missed you.
That somewhere between
Today and yesterday
You'd become a home
A muse
You'd taken stone and straw
And built a place
In my heart
That I never managed
To invite you in to
Because I was too busy
Waiting on a foundation
To build a roof and walls
But I forgot
Somewhere
Between today and yesterday
There's more than one way
to enter a heart
And somewhere between
Today and yesterday
I remembered
There is more than one way to break it

At the meeting of her breast there is  
an avalanche of creation
Sweet love pours down
Like milk and honey

The center of the earth
Moves in the pit of her belly
Blessed creature
Lay still!
Stay hidden at the core

The genesis of all creation
The perfect balance of him and her

The mother
With brown skin like dirt
With black skin like midnight skies
With full lips like animals
Full lips like the ripest berry
With hair corse and unkept
Difficult to tame and mighty to look at

You are birthed from strength
A song sung for generations
Passed down by hushed tongues
and calloused hands
A blood song
Of family and sacrifice

Sweet angel
You are loved by the world
And hated by the very ones who
could only dream to create
Such a masterpiece

When you kick the power in your limbs
Move mountains
When you stretch
Your fingers brush twilight
and sunbeams

Dear Mother Earth has outdone herself
once again!