I want you to know
I’m sorry I left
But I needed to go
My mind agreed
To something I set
In motion
Long ago
I’d been fighting for you
Just to stay a little more
But I could not find
The courage to stay
For myself.
This fighting
Grew old
My body became tired
Soon I could no longer
Keep the act going.
The days grew longer
The nights became darker
My brain would never turn off
I felt it would be better
For me to disappear
Escape from the earth
And leave everything
To go on without me.
So I say it again
I’m sorry I left
But it was my only choice
I couldn’t stop
What I already started.
I’m sorry.

Let the clouds remind you
That I am always nearby
When the storms and thunder come
I sing along with them.  
As rain covers the earth
And deep clouds surround the sky
Hear the patter of the drops
And know all along
I’m by your side
Never too far gone
Feel the cool touch on your skin
Like a gentle tap from me
Let it remind you
I’ve never really left.
Smell the fresh breeze
Imagine me there
Let the winds whisper
About secrets and stories
I’ve left for you to share.
Smell the fresh scent
Close your eyes
And know above anything
You can see me in the sky.

I’m taking up time
and seconds
That no longer
are there for me
Ticking clocks
That should
Have been
silenced
forever ago
A past action
Should have been
Followed through
I wish
I had
The courage
Before
To finally
Be gone

Sad
Shattered
Self
Sees
Something
So
Simply
Small

Seeking
Someone
Simply
Safe

Scarred
Seconds
Says
Sabotage
Saves

So
Sane
Senses
Sail
Scribbled
Seas

My shattered self searches for something
That will help fill the void.
But all it finds are capsules filled with empty promises
sharp edges filled with pain.
It no longer knows what to do.
So it takes the capsules
and carves with the shape edge.
Hoping
that the new additions might cover her flaws,
might fill her empty spaces.
Shattered
forgotten
it sits in aching silence.
My shattered self is ruined.
My shattered body is torn and broken.
My shattered thoughts escape me.
I am shattered
broken.
I can not be fixed.

You haven’t seen the scars of the tears.
Lightly etched on my skin
Hidden under heavy layers
Covered by colored masks

You don’t see the breakdowns in front of the mirror.
Every inch is inspected
Every inch is rejected
Every time I see the reflection

So how can you know everything is fine
You never bother to ask
I no longer care to share
We sit at distant ends of reality

Because

In real life I’m shattered inside.
Every second I break a little more
Day by day I break away
Soon I fear

Nothing will be left

I’ve been breaking for so long
my shattered pieces are scattered to far to ever recover them.
I’ve lost so much of myself I no longer know what I really look like on the inside.
I’ve tried covering up the missing parts and the gaping holes with anything I can find
but it’s made me not me.
It’s made me a person
I no longer know.
I no longer see myself as me
but as a plastered shell
covered with false looks.
filled with a fake person.
I’ve cracked myself
given shards of me to others
in hope they would stay.
In hopes they would find
what they wanted in me.
But they kept the shard and left.
They do not want me.
And in return I no longer want myself.

My shattered self searches for something
That will help fill the void.
but all it finds is capsules
filled with empty promises
sharp edges
filled with pain.
It no longer knows what to do.
So it takes the capsules
and carves with the shape edge.
Hoping
that the new additions might cover her flaws,
might fill her empty spaces.
Shattered
forgotten
it sits in aching silence.
My shattered self is ruined.
My shattered body is torn.
My shattered thoughts escape me.
I am shattered
broken.
I can not be fixed.

I sit down and feel like I’m in a box with a label.
A label of unwanted
Of just not quite right.
Of outcast.
A label of annoying,
Of weird.
I’m inside a box in my family.
One they wish they could throw out.
It’s been sitting there
and no one knows what to do with it.
No one wants to touch it.
They don’t want to deal with it.
They try to look away to forget it’s there.
They think if they ignore it long enough
It will disappear.
No one wants the box with me in it.
It hurts.
It hurts knowing they don’t want me.
It hurts knowing I’m not what they want.

I have a heartbeat in my chest
I don’t want one
Beating.
Reminding me that I’m here
Alive.

I wish that when I stop to think
I couldn’t hear it
supply oxygen to this body
I do not want.

Though it would be painful
To stop the heart
In my chest
I hurt as it is.

If it were to stop
The pain would subside
I wouldn’t feel this anymore
It would be good.

Beautiful  probably.

How can I keep going
Everything is falling apart
Loneliness is my reality
Pain is only the start

I feel so empty

What is the point
All things are meant to cease
Nothing will get better
The only option is escape

To slip into the dark
One last time

Every moment is to long
Numbed to life
Dead ends is the conclusion

Rejection.
So bitter
Nothing sweet.

How many times
Must I be told
I am not enough.

How many times
Can I be shattered
By the words.

How many times
Does rejection have to say
I am not worth it.

How many times
Can I be shown
I will never be enough.

Rejection
Means broken
Only pain.

No one
knows
the pain
hidden
behind eyes
Shining
so bright

No one
knows
the tears
leaking
From creases
when
nobody’s around
Watching

I try so hard
To keep it inside
So I can hide it
And keep it silent
Sometimes it slips
a tear rolls down
My throat closes
I know it is done
My shallow breathes
become ragged
My face shades red
I hold it back
But it’s not enough

Everything comes
I can no longer breathe
I gulp in air
Only to be empty

A smile can hide a lot
It can hide all the sorrows and pains
It can hide the tears you want to shed
A smile can hide all the thoughts in your head
About yourself and what you do
It hides your insecurities too.

It makes them think you’re happy
You don’t have a care in the world
“Why would she be sad? Have you seen her smile?”
“I’ve never meet a more happier person”
A smile can hide a lot.

I am ugly”
The thought says
“I have beauty”
I say

“I am worthless”
The thought nags
“I am priceless”
I say

“You are nothing”
The thought whispers
“I am everything”
I say

“You are unloved”
The thought says
“Maybe you’re right”
I whisper

“I am”
Says the thought
“I can’t go on”
I say

“It’s your choice”
The thought says
“I can’t choose”
I say

“Then don’t”
The thought whispers

“I can be loved”
I whisper
“Can you know”
The thought asks

“I am loved”
I say back
“But you don’t matter”
Says the thought

“I matter to myself”
I say

“You are stupid”
The thought says
“I am smart”
I say

“You can’t do anything”
The thought whispers
“You’re broken”
“You’re untalented”
“You’re annoying”
“You should give up”
The thought whispers
“You’re right”
I sob
I whisper
“You win”

I don’t know if I can make it.
The thought that’s runs through my head.  
I don’t know if I want to try.  
Do I want to stay?

Why is it such a bad thing to go.
Can’t it be a sweet sorrow.
Does it always have to be bitter.

I don’t want to break them.
I know how it feels to be shattered.  
Shattered into a million pieces.  
So many lost that I can’t put back.  
The feeling that I will never be whole.  

I don’t know if I can make it.
Is it even worth it anymore.  
To live and never be whole.  
To stay just to keep breaking.  

But, do I go at the expense of breaking others.
The real question is
Are they strong enough to fix themselves.  

Can they do something that I never could.
Mend themselves.  
Find all their pieces.
We will have to see.

I am out of place
Just an odd case
A note off beat
There are no empty seats.
Not sure where to turn
I know I’ll burn
Nobody is aware
There isn’t a care
I don’t belong
This is an old song
How can this be
This isn’t even me
I’m going to sink
Not even enough time to blink

Confidence is a fragile thing
It can be built or broken
With only one word

What seems to take a million years
To make something that’s almost perfect
Takes only one word for it to crack
And only a few to make it shatter

Building it up takes longer than before
Using the broken pieces to put it back together
That almost perfect something
Won’t ever be the same

Everyone needs me to be fine
So I am fine
Everyone has to be perfect
So I pretend to be perfect
Everyone says to smile
So I mask my face with a smile
Everyone says to love
So I act like I know how to love
Everyone says to be pretty
So I try to be pretty
Everyone says to do everything
So I fake having a life
Everyone says to be yourself
But in a world of everyone says
I can’t.

The sun will still rise in the morning
Even if I’m not here
A few will mourn but not for long
For I make no difference
In their song

My life has no meaning
But my heart is still beating
Waiting for something
That will never come

Im only counting the time
not knowing how
How to keep going
And keep taking breathes

For I want to stop.

I’m tired.  
I’m depleted.
I’m done.
Things should be getting better
why are they getting worse.  
My energy has disappeared
I’m left with nothing.

I see only ugly.
Ugly in the mirror.
Ugly in the world.
Ugly in what they call life.

Why can’t I just go.
Why do I have to stay.  
Please can I just be done.  
I’ve been here for so long.
I can’t take it anymore.

I can barley breathe
No I can’t breathe.
I’m holding on
to the last breathe
That I have inside me
I’m losing.
Please just let it be ok if I go.

My rib cage tightens around my lungs,
like a rope made out of thorns
Constricting the air that enters me.
My breathe ragged and pleading
I hope to have one last taste of air
As my wide eyes look around
I see only darkness.
It creeps around me
Making me want to scream.
But I can’t
So I sit there in my silence.
Pleading the words to come out of my mouth
But my body says no.
No air in my lungs
Lips refuse to move
I sit there silently screaming.
What more can I do
I sit there in darkness
Just waiting for the minute
For everything to be done.

I stare
I no longer care
I sit
How can I quit
This sad old game
I feel so ashamed
I’m only an empty shell
This is my own hell
I plead my thoughts
I am finally caught
This is no addiction
For that is the prediction
This is emptyness
It’s the deadliest