I was supposed to write this out like a journal entry but it ended up being more like a poem

I feel stupid for loving someone who doesn’t give a **** about me
And I’ve spent four, almost five years loving him even when I couldn’t love myself
And for that, I feel dumb
I feel dumb for waiting on something that will never come
And I feel especially dumb for those times I believed all those sweet nothings you murmured in my ear
Dumb for my heart soaring at the text messages you would send m
Dumb for thinking the impossible
The inevitable
Dumb for believing you were the one
Sad because I still love you
And that will never change
But one day I will move on
And somehow I’ll forget your name
And it might hurt too much to even go back through time in my brain
And think about how close we once used to be
And all the things we said
Because those things no longer matter
When you can’t say to me anymore
It’s as if those words fade
And they no longer mean anything to you or me
But I’m stuck here loving you
Stuck here in alternating universe where you love me too

A witness to the ****** of my best friends heart
He was her first everything
And he tore her apart
It was terrorizing to see her cry
I wanted to help but what do you say
When the person who was your everything
Suddenly disappears one day
What do I say
When her tears don’t stop
And what do I say
When her eyes aren’t filled with the love she once felt
How do I tell her that one day another love will come
And although he will be new he won’t compare to the one who made your heart soar
And your knees lock
Or your brain fuzzy with the thought of just seeing him
As if it’s the first time all over again
You search for love but cry at the thought of having to share all your secrets
And the things that make you cringe
It hurts having to share that
All over again

I'm scared of the future
And how I'll be
Fragile
Depressed
Filled with anxiety
Will I have a handle on my life
Or will the wheels fall off?
And I'm left to die
Will my feelings for change
Do they remain?
Does love exists in my dictionary
Or is it replaced with hate?
Do I see clearly?
Or is it all a blur?
Do my friends stick by me?
Do I sit in the house alone?
Do I grow old and forget my nae?
Or does the noose come to claim me?
Am I happy or sad?
Do I have kids?
Am I lost in my imaginations
Or living them instead?

It's as if
The clock is
T
I
  C
   K
     I
      N
         G
And there's nothing I can do to stop it
It's as if
My life means
N
  O
    T
      H
         I
          N
             G
And I can't find a way to make it meaningful
It's as if the music beating in my ears doesn't
W
   O
      R
         K
And I don't know what to do without it because I'm
A
  L
    O
      N
         E
With no one to turn to or tell my story but...
Would they even
C
  A
    R
      E
To know that I'm dying inside?

Falling off a bike is like breaking your heart for the first time

You don't know this strange pain that's hitting you in your knees or your chest
And it hurts but you don't know this feeling creeping inside your body and making you numb with pain
There's tears because you can't understand why something so simple could hurt so bad
It's a shame because you have to go through it over and over again
You'd ride the bike again but you'd give up on love
One hurts just a little bit too much
Knee pads won't save you from the eternity of pain because you decided to fall in love

He said "just friends, good friends."
and i nodded in agreement,
even though i felt the fire spark
in my chest long ago.
They all warned me about you,
and i didn't listen.
How was i suppose to
push the feelings away
when all i can think about was
the traces of your hands all
over me
and the warm feeling i got
when you kissed my shoulders.
It was nearly impossible,
but maybe i should've learned my lesson
when i saw you talking to her
pushed up against the wall
in the middle of a party
at three in the morning.
Maybe i should've learned when you
told me you couldn't possibly
have feelings for anyone,
but told me a few weeks later
she was the one that sparked the fire
in your chest.
You would always choose me second.
I think this is the slowest and most
painful way of killing yourself.
But i shouldn't care,
because he always said
just friends,
even when he got too drunk
and decided he wanted to
be in love for the night.

confined in my mind and looking for a way out
it's not so easy trying to get a hold of whats reality and hallucinations
im just wondering and looking for certain locations
places i don't remember but the scene speaks to my soul
and im afraid of whats going to happen with all these holes in my mind
and wondering who i've hurt