I don't apologize for my blackness and your fear seems like this beautiful melanin enriched skin is a blessing and a curse. police offers using our young men's as target practice ripping our rich black roots from the ground and scathing them  them all over the cold blood stained concrete streets that my people paved.they just want us to dance sing and play ball to entertain them. they don't want us to succeed and move on to bigger and better things so sinister grins creep upon their faces as they watch us slaughter eachother in the streets. they watch us struggle to get out of poverty they say we're all on welfare and ain't **** but how can we move up in the world and get out of poverty when this system wasn't built to benefit us? we are more than the stereotypes. we are doctors lawyers entrepreneurs nurses designers filmmakers activist.we are intelligent intellectual beings with knowledge that surpasses all understanding. they don't want us to open our mouths and speak our truth...they want us to shut up and chuck and jive and kiss their pasty white ***** to the bone they want us to ignore the blatant racism and discrimination we face everyday and be content that we aren't enduring as much pain as the ones before us have. but we will not shut up. we do experience racism. we do experience discrimination. and our people are dying everyday from it.how dare you utter the words respect yourself and well respect your from the same mouth that slandered my ppl and taught us to hate ourselves with? we were taught to love everything that was white and hate everything that was black and love blonde long straight hair and blue eyes and hate our chocolate skin and ***** hair but these ***** roots are deep...no matter how much you try and destroy them they are deep and run through us all. so my brothers and sisters... be proud of your roots take care of your roots embrace your roots love everything about yourself from that ***** *** hair that breaks all the teeth of your comb to your chocolate skin that glows in the sunlight and those strong minds and powerful voices because black is beautiful, black is powerful black is brilliant, black matters.

i take my clothes off. stare at my pale, limp body mocking me in the toothpaste stained mirror. 'your'e okay' 'you're okay' 'you're okay'. my pallid hands turn the shower *** all the way to the left, step back, trace all of the freckles on my body, all four or five of them. i pretend they're melting off like ice-pops. i bring my sticky fingertips to my thighs and i feel the goosebumps rise. i try to smile back at the solemn face staring back at me in the mirror but it feels awkward and achy so i retreat back to a straight mouthed frown that almost screams with bitterness. i have laugh lines that won't ever fade and i don't know whether to revel in this or feel sick because my own body is mocking me.

the steam of the mirror fades my face away and i feel myself dripping. when i was younger, i used to write my crushes names in the fog, but today i wince at the thought of your name surrounding me. i put a towel over my pale body to try to shake you off.

this is the way i die

slowly, shivering, *****.

God's hands will reach down to me, hold me in his arms and rock me gently. i hope i feel something.

i lift my heavy feet into the shower. take a deep breath. i think of drowning every time i catch sight of any sort of water. whenever i see fire, i think of the agony of my charring body shriveling up. death is killing me. when i was younger, my parents told me to be careful of getting my toes stuck in the drain because if so, the firemen will have to  come cut my foot off and see me naked. i shake my head, thinking of the days when grown men seeing me naked was second to getting my foot cut off. i stay clear of the drain anyways. old habits die hard.

i stand under the burning water for too long. my skin begins to redden like a scab that hasn't fully healed yet. i lather enough soap for a month on my body. i scrub deep. i want you to stop finding your way into my wounds and calling the place where skin meets bone, home. i stare at the water draining and remember when home was nothing less then four walls and hugs goodnight. thinking of you spinning down the drain screeching apologies but the voices in my head are much too loud these days.

for a split second, i want you to feel the fear i feel on a daily basis. i want you to stand clear of drains, i want you to feel like a jittery mess before stepping into the shower when you see the water. but i stop. my compassion consumes me once again. i think of you belly laughing in a field of flowers with the love of your life. my mind wanders to your groggy mouth yawning as you wake up.

i step out of the shower and wrap myself in a towel, let my hair down and i drop to the floor. i don't want to think of you anymore. my body feels weak. loving you has been taxing, grueling, tiresome, painful...loving you has been wonderful.

i get up. get dressed.
this is the way i let you go.

Could you love a broken man?
One who's been to hell and back?
Could you love someone who would cling on to the first sign of affection?
Could you love someone who has felt betrayal?
Could you love someone who would love you unconditionally?
Could you promise your love to me and only me?

When I was 15 I told my mom I couldn't go to school because my heart hurt.
She brought me to the doctor.
I couldn't find the courage to tell him the pain lives in the place where you used to be.
I had no courage to diagnose it as chronic.