shut off the thoughts
forget the feelings
ignore the hurt

be better

its been a while. I know.
new year but same old nightmares.
I'm still afraid,
fragile,
and alone.
my demons still follow me.
2020 ended but my depression did not.
this can be a new start.
although that may be true,
I'm not made new.
deep down I'm the same person
weather I "change" or not
to me, I'm the same as I've ever been.
I'm still fighting,
still scared,
still so very very alone.
this year can be different,
and so can I.
fake it till you make it I suppose.
2020 is over.
hello 2021.

run
run
run away
for you are just another prey
run
run
run away
lives are lost and found all day
run
run
runaway
for the animals come out to play

I wished for happiness once
I wished for the truth
for love
and for freedom
and I've sang the songs of sadness to the stars
and yelled the words of anger to the sun
and shed my tears with the moon
they kept my secrets, my prayers, my life story
and they kept my wishes
they told me I could have them come true
another time

everyone leaves.
everyone lies.
everyone hurts.
everyone dislikes.
everyone loves.
but no one loves me like you do.
everyone lies to me but you speak the truth.
everyone hurts but you heal the deepest bruise.
everyone dislikes me, everyone but you.
everyone leaves, everyone but you.
so I'll hate, hurt, dislike, leave, and lie to anyone else.
anyone else but you.
and I'll love nobody else but you.

She was beautiful
Her dance moved the clouds and shined threw the trees of tomorrows darkness
She was bright and smiled in ways angles couldn't sing, even the moon sat beautifully in her sky
She was the sun and I just a dreamer under her light
She made the coldness of winters sadness leave even for a little while She made it more beautiful then the first shed of leaves in falls embrace
Her light took whatever darkness laying in my mind and turned it into the most loveliest of memories, dreams, and wishes.

A single rose in a forest of lilies and daffodils
a single beauty in a world of ugly
afraid to show the world its beauty
looking for love in a world full of hate
closing doors in the way of fate
running away from pain
wearing reveling clothing so others love her
a single rose growing with the lilies and daffodils
hidden from the truth
that she is beautiful

cant breath
its happening again
the ocean goes hightide
my body refuses to move
I sink into oblivion
my tears become
one with the ocean cries

cant breath
the stars take me into the night
lost in the darkness
frozen in space
my tears refuse to leave my eyes
they freeze in the night

unwanted memories rush in

this feeling is suffocating

I was thought to be in love once
perhaps the thought was true
the only thing that I knew is the piece of a heart he stole
perhaps he hid it to control it from time to time
to control my heart and the butterflies in my stomach
I was thought to be over this love
perhaps the thought was false
when hes around I try to **** the butterflies with the pain of memories
before they can grow to fast to fight
but when he gives me a look its hard not to feel
I was thought to be over this love
perhaps it was true
the hurt that comes back is the blade I use to exterminate the butterflies
I thought I lost my heart
perhaps its true
my body couldn't function for sometime
perhaps I found someone new
but even though he makes me happy
and hes perfect in every way
he wont love me
and perhaps I wont love him like I loved you
the thing I know is that my heart is confused

in a corner
under the bed
asking questions about the dead
how to brake something fix
and how to fix something broke.
in a corner
in a room
with nothing else left to do
wondering thought wounder away
when will the day be that you'll go away
when will that corner expand
to a new land far away
until then
brake whats fixed
and fix whats broke
until that corner turns to another ghost
or what use to be.

The feeling of tears sliding down my cheek.
The feeling of letting go of something you've hold on to for to long.
The feeling of freedom at times.
The melancholy taste.
The rush of adrenaline.
Stuck.
Held hostage.
Forgotten.
Cry.
Letting go of those that wronged you.
Cry.
Letting the emptiness fill.
Cry.
No holding back.
Just cry..
Feel relived.
Cry.

he walks, never alone
for the darkness fallows
he sighs, as heavy has winds
he glances, with eyes darker then the soul
he laughs, as darkness spills
he speaks, lies swim in the ears of his listeners
he lives., slowly dying inside
he runs, trying to escape the darkness he let in
hes dead, he was never alive to begin with.

hi hi its my birthdayyyyyy

It gave false hope and hidden nightmares within its rays
It gave only lies threw the clouds and left the moon with the sad aftertaste or the truth
The trees knew the truth yet they smiled back
The birds still sang their songs even when the sun didn't sing it back
When did the world prefer a lie?
When did the moon hold so much sadness even in its most peaceful times?
When did the sun deceive the dreamer?
It was when the clouds begged for warmth,
when they couldn't handle winters truth.

Im supposed to be happy


so why aren't I?

Do you see the sadness behind my smile
the hurt behind my love
the pain behind my laugh
the tears behind my eyes
the broken behind the fixed
my heart behind the flesh
the screams under the tongue
the fear under the bravery
do you see me...the real me

I thought life was simple
I thought lots of things
and now I think not
but feel this empty shell rot
I am like a crab, a shell that holds nothing special
I am hallow but still
all filled with the no-pain pill
I am lost
a soul with no cost
and when this empty shell brakes
the sky will shake
it'll rain and my soul will be freed
from this world full of greed

I'm beginning to finally shed the feather patches on my wings
Those of which only taunt me and my dreams to fly
Those of which hurt to look at
The kind of hurt that drowns your heart and causes it to sink
The kind of hurt that make the shadows of the night dance with glee
I'm beginning to feel more and more free
I'm shedding my feather patches
Then soon my broken wings will heal, my wings will grow new feathers
And I will let my feathers snow the creatures below
They will see with every feather that falls freedom, true freedom.

beauty
     light
        shining bright
                worlds collide
                         love fills the inside
          in the fields of darkness where nightmares play
                          flowers grow there everyday
                                        from darkness grows a light
                                                  brightly shining in the night
                                                   as if a star was born on the grown
                                                                flowers grow in town to town

its "funny" to you that i'm broken
its "funny" how I cant sleep at night
with horrid thoughts running through my mind
its "funny" to see me brake more and more
its "funny" to you, how i'm slowly dying inside
its "funny"how its all for you
its "funny" how I broke my pieces to fill yours
its "funny" how i'm so dumb to not realize sooner that i'm just a filling.
A tool.
For you to freely use.
its "funny" how you lied everyday as we breathed and lived
its "funny" how I trusted you
its "funny" how I loved you, so blinded
and now i'm laughing to the sound of my minds, heart, and soul break into two for someone like you.

smiles                                  and laughter

                                (inside)                       ­            (and out)
                                |    O   |                                    |     O    |
                               (feeling)                                   (as if the)  
                                                            |   ­  |
                                                   (world is mine )

                                     \emptiness                     now gone/                          
                                                    \and a joy fills/
                                                      ||  |­|
                                                funny faces all day
                                                       laughing
                                                          smiles­
                                                             lift
    



making you want to fly away as joy hold you hands and sets you free growing wings of happiness soaring through the sky of life.

I continue to drown
and fall
but for a moment
I freeze, stuck in the atmosphere

Today is the day I was born

not a special day, not for me
so happy birthday to my twin

Happy Birthday Felix.

its hard to fight this inner storm
the hurricane of emotions
its hard to forget it all and yet I still try
she was taken from me
but my love for her never left
the memories of her haunt me from time to time
I had her once and lost her twice
and now they all expect me to lose her again
she wants to come back but should I let her in?
its not her fault it hurts to hear her voice or to see her smile
she was just a kid
do I allow myself to open up
even with the chance of me braking again?
would it really be worth the fight just to see her again?
my heart hurts and my mind is conflicted
question is: am I ready for her again?
or will my broken heart pollute her joyous life
will my depression spread to her happiness like a virus
will I break her like they broke me?

his name makes my heart flutter
talking to him makes me stutter
his cologne scent drives me crazy
with him my thoughts get hazy
is this love?
do you see any doves?
then reality hits
and me and him do not fit
were to different
to worlds never to be touched
to souls never to love
but for now... reality is gone
and me thinking of you isn't so wrong
for now let me dream
and imagine us together, the perfect team
his name makes me smile uncontrollably
his name makes me laugh
his name makes me blush
but his name... is just another name...

with a monster
who ate me whole
devoured me faster then light
just by saying 3 meaningless  words
words no one said to me before

I feel in love with a monster
who wore such a good mask
he had such a great costume
I thought he was the one
but now I see he is.... he's the one that broke me.

I feel in love with a monster
all because he knew I was unloved
and he gave me the thing I wanted
and now...he gives me the thing I fear most

loneliness.

If I could tell the whole world that it is beautiful then I would.
If I could tell every last person that they are beautiful then I would.
But unfortunately I can't....
But I can try...
I can start.
You are beautiful and I mean that
with every bone in my body,
with every ace in my soul,
with every fiber of my being  
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!

if only you knew my love.
For as a shooting star shines
I pray one day you will be called mine.
Its as if you make the sun glisten in your name
yet you play me like a game.
I know you cannot see your world in my eyes
neither can you hear the sadness in my sighs.
If only I could understand and control my teenage heart
but you play such a good part
in this play called life
I know you lie when you say I will one day be your wife.
If only you knew all the things I never told you.
If only you knew.

I'm not alone.

I have my thoughts to keep me occupied.
In my mind i'm still in your arms,
I can hear your words as you speak to me.

I'm not alone.

Although it may feel like that all the time.
I still have you in my mind.
Even though the hole hasn't filled sense your gone.

I'm not alone.

I was the one who wanted this.
It was my choice from the begging.
So why?
Why do I feel so lost inside?
Why does it hurt to think of my decision?
I regret my choices,
I shoulda listened.

I shoulda listened
When the voices of my heart whispered to me
The saddest tunes.
And when my mind broke into several pieces,
I shoulda listened.

I'm not alone.
Even tho I have no one beside me anymore.
I'm not alone.
I just have that lonely feeling.
I'm not alone.
I have my thoughts to keep me company.

And when my tears wake me from my daydream,
You're nowhere to be found.
It was my decision.
I regret that decision.
Because without you,

I'm alone.

I never once made you happy
not once
you smile of pity and not pride
proud is something you'll never feel for me
I tried, you know
tried to be what you wanted
but trying isn't enough is it?
I never made you proud
seems to me like I'm a disappointment no matter where I go
its hard smiling all the time
hoping you'll give me a real smile back
its harder pretending everything is fine
the weight of the world cant compare to the weight of this
its heavy and cold
my heart is tired
shall it rest here for a little?
I never once wanted or asked to be this way
I never asked to hurt or to be hurt
I never asked for pain
but with love comes pain I suppose

your smile
your laugh
your hugs
your voice
I remember
our jokes
our time
our moments
and I miss them so much
I miss you

I've never felt it so strongly till now
I'm envious of her
I don't understand why I feel this way
I don't understand feelings much
I typically block them out
is this normal?
why does it hurt to know that she fell for you?
I never cared before
so why now?
why does it hurt to know I might lose you?
I never cared before
why am I so jealous of someone I don't know much about.