You still mean each one,
Even though you mean them differently.
These are feelings I should shun,
But they mean too much to me.

This run cancelled your plans
Yet somehow I feel relieved.

Perhaps I need to think about myself more,
Rather than accepting more tasks to endure.

You stand there, in front of us all,
Proud to be exactly who you are.
You never seem afraid of the fall
From such heights above me so far;
A horizon stretches out afore us both,
But there's only one hand reaching for it.
You've one in the hand of a romantic oath,
And I've tied mine away, deemed unfit
To ever hold another so close.
You open to a full sprint, chasing the sky,
Leaving me with the path I chose;
I never had that strength to fly so high.

A storm of thought and vitriol
Storming around my head;
Self-harm practically habitual,
What others could do in my stead.

Thoughts

Thoughts

Thoughts

Nothing good, nothing healthy;
Vile and horrid and tempestuous noise,
And constant begging to be free,
More noise. More noise. More noise.

And then

I see you

And for just a moment
Everything's okay again

I've wandered and wandered for such a long time,
Past the rust and the dirt and the grime,
And I cannot see the exit.

I've long forgotten the taste of the air,
The light of the sun; drowned in despair,
And I cannot smell the exit.

Food lost its taste a long time ago,
And the passage of time has stopped its flow,
And I cannot hear the exit.

The colors all faded into gray,
Nothing around to make me stay,
And I cannot taste the exit.

My heart is numb, still, in pain,
My blood has dripped into every drain,
And I cannot feel the exit.

But here I'm safe, and content to be,
To remember why you left and what you meant to me,
And I do not want an exit.

You don't know it,
You can't know it,
I never said a word.
How could I?
The borders of our friendship,
Though the thought makes me cry;
Too blurred.

But why her not me?
But why this not me?
I wanted to be here
Within you;
To nestle deep into your heart
and love you your life through,
Without fear.

Why couldn't it be?
Why shouldn't it be?
Years, months, weeks, days,
Eternity.
You've always been here and yet
I'm selfish with pity.
My type betrays.

The marks on my neck
Do nothing to ease my pain
Do nothing to ease my fears
Do nothing to ease my despair

They only remind me
That I'm here on my own
That I'm here in memories
That I'm here without you

And I'm forced to imagine
All the men staring at you
All the things you're going through
All the things that remind you

And I'm forced to remember
The look in your eyes
The curve of your smile
The feel of your hand

I can't think without you
I can't sleep without you
I can't eat without you
I can't live without you

It all lost meaning because I didn't do it for me.
Getting all dressed up to the nines for everyone else
Took everything euphoric out of it all.

But now, I can see.
This time it was for myself.
It rose my heart too high to ever fall.

I lost my new identity
When it became a justification.
But I'm doing it all for me,
To hell with condemnation.

It's all the small things
That keep me pinned to the ground.
A thousand thousand grains of sand
Each a weight beyond me,
Each a weight I cannot bear.
I hate it.
I hate that I can't fix it.

The future is a place of terror to me,
Uncertain truths and dwindling returns.
The people around me fade out,
Or perhaps I'm the one lost in the background?
There isn't some international lost and found
Where old and new friends can simply shout
To allow me to return feelings I once spurned;

A future alone is all I can see.

It may seem minor to you
But to me it's so much more.
I know these flying beasts aren't new
And I know there's going to be more.

I need warmth and comfort,
Not ridicule.
Yet you seem to relish discomfort;
You enjoy making me feel a fool.

I feel utterly alone

A note, and then a tune,
Played out for me alone,
Here, under a silver moon;
Unintended romantic undertone.

A single, simple trick,
And I would be all yours;
But instead of laying your love on thick,
You choose only to close your doors.

Alas, you made me fall so fast,
But my love isn't something you'd want to last.

Disparate prose detailing horror and joy alike
Poetry written as I've sat at the turnpike
The emptiness of the lost mixed in
Amongst the colors of life and sin
Living my life through observer's eyes
Judging and hating my truths and lies
I see my contempt for my unlived life
Remember the light shone through my strife

It's in moments like these
When I remember your smile
When I can hear your laugh
When I can feel your hand in mine
I remember it all

Yet the yearning in my heart desires more

The light in your eyes sputters out
Your heart no long beating
Your lungs no longer breathing
"Wake up!" I scream and shout

But you're already dying in my hands

It all feels so cold
The things that once brought me joy
Are all but barren

I have tried to cry
I've forgotten if I can
Does it even matter?

Things are better now
But they're also so much worse
I hate this heartache

This path is immeasurable,
Far too long for my eye.
But I've walked for enough now
That I've left the path behind.

Charting waters of art is scary,
Especially on a timeline I can't vary
But hey.
We're this far.
How about I say
I'll keep chasing this star?

I mean why not? Can't get any worse.

I have slept all day
Life has failed to maintain me
I am way too tired

As long as I've breath in my lung,
I'll continue putting this pen to page.
Until my final word is sung,
I'll break down my metaphorical cage.

Even if it's small right now.
It'll keep me grounded.

A pit far deeper than I know
Is all I care to measure now.
Am I destined to mourn so?
Too many things I choose to disavow.
Yet, I'm fully aware of this.
Why must I embrace this abyss?

I refuse to lay my head down low

My dreams cannot seem to contain you

Your heart
Is ev'rything
That matters to my own,
I am struggling to live like this.
I know too well that I'll never be yours.
But I'm learning to live with it.
Your friendship is worth it.
You have filled it
My heart

I've nothing to give
To the discussions of my betters;
The unscalable wall that lies
Between my thoughts and theirs.
Moments like this make it hard to live,
My motivation fetters.
None listen for comments or cries,
I'm seperate from the other's cares.

It's times like this:
Listening to friends,
I'm truly alone.

Misery after euphoria,
Euphoria after misery.
Every moment, new dysphoria,
Every kind act feels like trickery.

So round and round
In a circle I go,
What semblance of truth I've found
Has been quickly lost in the flow.

We gather again tonight
Friends coming together
Enjoying the one hobby we all share.




So why do I feel dread?

Oh, sweet nightingale,
Just fly to your own pattern;
Fill Life's tapestry

A thousand thousand voices clambering for attention,
That drown out every thought within my silence,
Forcing me into a corner of pain and apprehension,
Lest I lose control and act in violence.

I want no part in causing you pain,
But my o'ertightened grip is slacking,
As I push rationality through migraine
Yet find myself completely lacking.

The constant noise.
It hurts.
Never-ending noise.
Always hurts.

The thoughts of dark that plagued my mind,
That which turned me repulsive, unkind,
Have seeped away, what remains I find
To be comfort, warmth; I'm no longer blind.

I'd thrash about in the rain and the cold,
Hiding bitter hatred better left untold.
The stagnation spread through me as a cursed mold.
And alone in that alley I sullenly strolled.

But what's this? A bright light, too bright to see,
Shining it's purifying grace unto me.
The wonders of joy, untamed and free,
The haven amidst the grim, stormy sea.

It was there that I found them, the ones
Who had freed me from subconscious drones
Of no worth and pale hatred, once upon the thrones
That controlled what I was and made me throw stones.

I stretched out my hand, selfish, self-serving,
Yet they took me in, their kindness unnerving,
And I learned to smile bright, to forget all my moaning,
And finally saw the sun rise up on my turning.

Before me I see
A thousand broken mirrors
Each cracked like the last
Lying about the past
Trysts between sinners
And who I'm supposed to be

What is the real me?
This glass embedded with us
Severing, severing, my mind chaste
The fragments of instance long past
The fears and needs inside us
And none of it is free

In shards of glass, bend my knee
Drink the blood of a thousand dinners
Flowing down my leg, fast
With the revolution at my gate, amassed
Martyrs and sycophants and killers
All in all, one by one, wish to see



Which broken mirror reflects the truth

Grotesque
Disgusting
Three sizes beyond the max

But that's reality

It's the things we cannot change that hurt us
And my life is completely unwanted

I could write of cheer, happiness and joy,
About a victorious game, or a brand new toy,
But to do so would be to lie.

I could write of the depths of misery,
Once again venture to that deep, grey sea,
But to do so would be to lie.

Today
Was just a day
And for once, that's not so bad.

I'm suffocating
Isolated from nature
Cut off from freedom

After fear expires,
When love cannot fuel it's pyres,

What can remain but apathy?

A loud crack
and silence
I'm cast into darkness
Falling to violence
My restraints go slack

And I fall
Fall
Fall
Fall
Fall
Fall
Fall

Alone
In my mind
Alone

Without my art
I'm nothing

I crave that touch, akin to ice,
Prickling skin to skin, yours against mine,
The wind threatening to entice
As it blows past my hairline;

It carries your voice like an echo,
Akin more to souls upon the hills
Than this ghost that makes my heart beat so,
Compelling me to strengthen my wills.

But the dead must stay dead
And I cannot restore the soul I've shed

So far above is she,
Strewn in a chair in a chaotic workspace,
Stricken from my reach by a sheet of glass.

Can she even see me?
Penning notes and sheets of music apace,
As days and weeks, too fast, pass.

I long to know her,
I long to be her,
I long to stand by her side,
I long to become her bride.

But alas.
This art is meant for someone else.

Her eyes are so pretty
Her fur is so fluffy
I tried to be witty
With a name so strange

Yet now I see her
A kitty like this
A name like that
Listening to her purr
Listening to her hiss
Perfect for a cat-pat

How did this happen

My life is one born of instinct;
I act, I do not think.
Your accusations are indistinct,
but rational.
How could I possibly argue your truth?
Still, I feel my heart sink.
Perhaps I'm too lost in my youth.
My intrinsic patterns proved fatal.

Calling me a prepubescent child felt unneeded though.

The world fades for just a moment,
A single instant with nothing afore me.
This is different from normal, that's clear.
Not the sudden loss of time I fear
Will set the anxieties of she
Who could never read my intent.

Yet gazing into my reflection,
My eyes see once again,
I return exactly where I left.
This time, I'm not bereft
Of what is torn in twain
From my perception.

This time was different,
Though as exactly why,
I'm ignorant.
But I won't let my mind die.

There's a girl in my mirror
And she cares about me.
Far more than I ever did myself.

Her eyes are as blue as the purest river,
And the light inside dances ever free.
She's happy, without love or wealth.

Her smile is as bright as a starlit sky,
She's beautiful, because she's happy,
Far happier than I've been myself.

And she's reaching a hand out, a little shy,
She wants me to take it and finally see,
That our happiness comes from ourself.

Because that girl in the mirror is me.

How did it come to be
Parapets upon walls atop a fort of stone
Encased, deep, in the heart of hate
And cold
Cold
Cold
It's all that remains here
Common sense and mere
Logic betrayed by worthless fear
Of an enemy that would not rear
It's head again, for eternity.

If they can forgive
Why can't we?