Sometimes my words flow easily and free
Yet this past week I've been stunted and vapid.
I find myself disappointed in me,
Wishing for a recovery too rapid.

My words have been small, I'll admit that
But they're all still words that I mean.
Even if my poetry is flat,
I hope my heart can be seen.

Deeds in the mail;
They'll make me female
In the eyes of the law
I've had to endure.

Even though the world is **** right now,
Filled with people who won't allow
Me to be who I know I am;
I can be me, thankyou ma'am.

I can be happy, for at least a little while.

You look the same as you always have.

So why does my heart beat so fast?

I thought myself stronger.

But none can be.

Love.

It
Truly
Is
Stronger
Than
Every

Single


One



Of

­


Us

If I could choose to rewind time
I wouldn't fix a mistake or crime.
I'd spin one day around and know,
I need ne'er again fear tomorrow

I know the futility of wishing for change;
Praying every day for what could never be,
It's a waste.

But I did not choose to be so strange,
It's truly a relief to me that you cannot see,
Upon what my love is based.

If you could we'd lose everything.

I can think of nought with more power
Than that which can convey so much.
There's beauty and simplicity to a flower,
So too in horizons, and seas, and such.
Yet it's language that hits me here,
And brings endless tears to my eyes;
They can convey such joy, rage, fear,
Emotions that I used to despise.
Yet I've learned to appreciate what's afore me.
Love has a power I can't begin to see.

Think of me not
As words on a page,
As pointless marks,
On a blank white sheet

Think of me not
As pretentious drabble,
Written only to make
You think of sin

Think of me not
As some ancient tale,
My relevance in the world
Now useless and outdated,

Instead, think of me
As your caring friend,
Listening to what you say
And helping you live on

Think of me not
As Poetry.

Think of me
As life

Yet I can't feel a solitary **** thing

Woolen caps and puffy coats
The crowd yet further bloats
On and on and another one yet
Totaling an ever higher net
No room to breathe here
Claustrophobia
Rising
Rising
A thousand thousand men
A ***** glare too often
A single crimson strand
Hidden in the most common brand
Alone
Alone
Forever

A sheet upon a sheet with a thousand more,
Clogging up spaces and fields galore,
Sealed together by blood and disease,
Yet scattered and thrown by a gentle breeze.
These remnants are a danger.
To myself, my family, any stranger,
So they'll be disposed away.
Yet frequency means the stack will stay.

I just want it gone
I want it removed from me
I just want it gone

It torments me so
This monster between my legs
But this is our life

I'm yours forever
No matter how much I cry
You'll never leave me

I just want you gone
But life has other designs
Designs of hatred

When did I become
That which you wanted to hate?
When did my life mean so little to you,
That you'd pass no interest in my fate?

Was it when I became myself,
The woman I've always been?
Did you prefer me to front a constant lie
And leave my pain unseen?

Was it when I made those simple mistakes,
When my mind was revealed to be so broken?
It was never my fault that it hurts so to think,
But you'd rather I left my pain unspoken?

Maybe it was when I came out?
Revealing that unacceptable part of me,
Was it really something to despise so much;
The perfect stain on your family tree?

Perhaps it was at that funeral,
When you saw a child that couldn't seem to feel?
Perhaps if you cared to even notice,
You'd have seen that my sorrow was real?

Or perhaps I'm just projecting.

Transgender Identity.
Autism and ADHD.
Homosexuality.

These are all just excuses
From a mind begging to see
Why the one who should care
Seems to deeply hate me.

But let's be real.

Hate has nothing to do with it.


You need to care, to hate.

And you clearly never did.

Screens filled with data and words
Too much information, it blurs
Together, thick, unwieldy,
Lacking in trust or fealty,
Too much together,
Lost forever,
A moment.





In descent.

Two stones eroding,
Neither willing to give ground;
Forever bonded

Dark, yet comforting clouds set in above me,
Masking my vision from all that I fear.
My art flows from me, unrestricted and free
From the doubts and misgivings ever filling my ear.

There's a place here, somewhere forgotten,
Lying isolated betwixt awareness and sleep,
A place where I'm free from all my misbegotten
Deeds and mistakes, things that make me feel cheap.

To find myself in my mind's twilight,
It truly is the inarguable highlight,
Of a life befitting a parasite,
Dragging down ev'ryone in the fight,
Who all just want to see that light
That lies in my mind as I drift into night.

A centum of poetic prose
Presented daily from this fractured soul
A veritable storm of highs and lows
As I've stretched to make myself whole

At the start, I was skeptic,
Never believing I could take myself this far,
But through a life dysphoric and narcoleptic,
I'm proud to say this doesn't seem bizarre.

It's not quite a third ways through,
But I'm maintaining a strong pace.
So, as I continue to write about you,
I hope you'll help me find my place.

Is it wrong?
My identity?
Love cannot exist in guilt,
I know how I'm seen;
I'm not that.

Oh ****

Misery breaks for apathy,
As dwindling strings fray to nothing.
I sit, motionless, encouraging atrophy,
The desire o'ergrowing for an ending.
Twenty three long years amount to nought,
A botched birthing the height of success,
Even to the eye of astronomers who sought
To catalogue ev'ry star despite any duress
Have long since stopped scouring the sky;
My light was fading too long ago.
Opportunity is there, albeit twice shy,
But there's simply no interest to follow.
My life has been one of selfishness, sin,
Now isolation comes baring its toll.
That lifeforce that balanced on a rusted pin
Has resigned itself to topple and fall.

It's a lot of words to say one thing,
Empty drivel of a life unlived through,
But to shout the truth till I hear angels sing?
That's the one act I simply could never do.

Will it make me happier?
Or will difference just feel crappier?

I can't really know for sure.
Perhaps that's why I can't resist the lure.

Take my voice, change what is is.
Turn it into something that descends me into bliss.

Man in my mirror
Your presence makes me feel sick
I wish you'd leave me

Man in my mirror
Why must you stare at me so?
All I want is me

Man in my mirror
I just can't shake the feeling
You're here forever

Man in my mirror
I despise your existence
Even though it's mine

Man in my mirror
Ev'ry hair on your body
Makes me hate it all

Man in my mirror
Stop tempting me to end it
I fear my own hand

Man in my mirror
You would choose to end my life?
You've pushed me too far

Man in my mirror
Clutching a bloodied knife close
I have to do it

You left me no choice
I've been abandoned by all
I will **** this man

A fictional home,
In a fictional town,
Walls and fences made of data,
Without any tangible meaning.

Yet it's here it happens
Without fail, every time,
My eyes fall on the mat on the floor,
And they grow misty with tears.

Tick
Tick
Tick
Against my wrist
Against my mind
Tick
Tick
Tick
Forever pushing forward
Forever falling behind
Tick
Tick
Tick
Gears turning it's face
Gears turning my mind
Tick

Tick


Tick



Until this moment lasts forever

Pen touches paper
As the sun kisses the horizon
Fulfilling an empty promise
To see this ritual through

A glare bores into the back of my skull,
I can feel it when I look away.
It exudes more pressure each night and day
And leaves my nerves too full.

Whenceforth does it spring from?
This gaze that drills deep into me?
Why must it lie where I cannot see,
Intent on making me numb?

I'm left adrift in an auburn sky,
Horizons choked black by dust and ash,
Flung up by frustrations and actions too brash,
And ever-longing wishes to die.