A storm of thought and vitriol
Storming around my head;
Self-harm practically habitual,
What others could do in my stead.

Thoughts

Thoughts

Thoughts

Nothing good, nothing healthy;
Vile and horrid and tempestuous noise,
And constant begging to be free,
More noise. More noise. More noise.

And then

I see you

And for just a moment
Everything's okay again

Nearly five months now, I've worked this way,
And it's finally taken it's toll.
My heart was open.
My soul is bared.
And now my mind is bare.

A full year was beyond me,
But I'm satisfied with what I've done.

I strive to create,

Yet my canvas remains clean.

Curse this temporary fate;

As an artist, I feel second-rate.

Clear, ever flowing,
The river coursing through me;
Carving it's own path.

A void brings nothing but pain,
This, I find, rings true throughout me.
A heart split in twain,
A stomach running empty.

Yet it's when my head feels full,
That it chooses to announce dismay;
It racks and beats against my skull,
And announces intent to stay.

Music of the soul
Carried aloft amidst winds
Leaves me feeling blue

Pen touches paper
As the sun kisses the horizon
Fulfilling an empty promise
To see this ritual through

The day has been stressful,
And my head feels overfull.

This blank page before me taunts me,
I can't seem to work thoughts free.

Alas, I'll write of this woe instead,
Begone dark thoughts within my head!

Even as my eyes grow ever-tired;
I'll stay awake this evening through.

I don't want to miss a moment with you.

A solipsistic onlooker
Viewing an isolated world.

It creeped through the darkness to me,
Only just perceptible to mine eye,
Yet present all the same.

As I looked closer, I could see it clear,
Clearer perhaps than I should,
I could see right on through it;
To another just behind.

There were two here all along,
Yet at first believed myself alone.
It wasn't a change in perspective,
I haven't moved an inch,
But focusing revealed more...

And more... and more... and more
Three, five, nine, eleven...
It's difficult to keep track;
Every open space occupied,
Every pocket suffocated,
Yet I somehow refused to see them.

Perhaps
These Ghosts
Are more real,
Than I gave them
The due credit;
They're everywhere
Everything.

A quiet moment,
Without you here it stretches
For time eternal

But this life will wait;
Pondering the horizon,
Wishing for your eyes.

After fear expires,
When love cannot fuel it's pyres,

What can remain but apathy?

It may seem minor to you
But to me it's so much more.
I know these flying beasts aren't new
And I know there's going to be more.

I need warmth and comfort,
Not ridicule.
Yet you seem to relish discomfort;
You enjoy making me feel a fool.

I feel utterly alone

Discounting my fears

Makes me feel more alone

I'd have thought that was obvious

A puncture
Leaking life through suture
Surrounding existence
Dying without a chance
For worthwhile meaning
Or rebellious screaming
Against the institution
That perverted your prostitution
For it's own benefit
Uncaring if a flame goes unlit

And so you're gone
How brightly you could have shone
A mind so effervescent
And a life so incandescent

Waxwork drips down
A colourful wick burned brown

And a single plate
That can carry no more hate

This run cancelled your plans
Yet somehow I feel relieved.

Perhaps I need to think about myself more,
Rather than accepting more tasks to endure.

Heart beating faster
Only when you say my name
Like the freshest air

I know the futility of wishing for change;
Praying every day for what could never be,
It's a waste.

But I did not choose to be so strange,
It's truly a relief to me that you cannot see,
Upon what my love is based.

If you could we'd lose everything.

Tears are falling
pit pat
pit pat
A single thought, uttered
From a dark place, unwanted
pit pat
pit pat
Violent, harsh, and completely unmeant
A brutal call from the void
pit pat
pit pat
I hope you can forgive me
I understand if you can't

Will it make me happier?
Or will difference just feel crappier?

I can't really know for sure.
Perhaps that's why I can't resist the lure.

Take my voice, change what is is.
Turn it into something that descends me into bliss.

A heart should never feel so empty;
Or at least, that's what I've been told.

But I've had this hole for so so long now,
It's hard to imagine anything there.

I long to set these emotions free,
But my senses are growing too old.

I'll simply wipe the pain off my brow
And hope nobody sees my stare.

A void lies empty,
Debris clanging off of me,
Drifting silently.

A radio calls out,
Chatter from a time gone by,
Static fills my ears.

They ponder and scream,
Dead voices, suspended here;
A nightmare outside.

Synapses flashing,
Broadcasting new pain to me;
Memories not mine.

No time to live now,
Too long living in the past,
I'm lost in subspace.

I have the desire to write.
So why must I find it so hard?
I accept that I'm not a talented bard
But I still want my words to delight.

Why must my mind repeat itself so?
Continuing to re-tread paths long walked,
I find new source of inspiration locked;
How can I allow new art to flow?

Can I even create anew?
Perhaps fresh thoughts will long evade me.
I'll walk these paths again, and see;
Perhaps I'm yet to find my way through.

She called me a lady
And it made me happy.

Nobody was hurt,
or wanted to flirt;

Just a seller, doing her job.
Making me happy enough to sob.

So why is it so hard for you?

Emotion flows out
Leaving behind a trickle
Of artistic pain

When did I become
That which you wanted to hate?
When did my life mean so little to you,
That you'd pass no interest in my fate?

Was it when I became myself,
The woman I've always been?
Did you prefer me to front a constant lie
And leave my pain unseen?

Was it when I made those simple mistakes,
When my mind was revealed to be so broken?
It was never my fault that it hurts so to think,
But you'd rather I left my pain unspoken?

Maybe it was when I came out?
Revealing that unacceptable part of me,
Was it really something to despise so much;
The perfect stain on your family tree?

Perhaps it was at that funeral,
When you saw a child that couldn't seem to feel?
Perhaps if you cared to even notice,
You'd have seen that my sorrow was real?

Or perhaps I'm just projecting.

Transgender Identity.
Autism and ADHD.
Homosexuality.

These are all just excuses
From a mind begging to see
Why the one who should care
Seems to deeply hate me.

But let's be real.

Hate has nothing to do with it.


You need to care, to hate.

And you clearly never did.

A note, and then a tune,
Played out for me alone,
Here, under a silver moon;
Unintended romantic undertone.

A single, simple trick,
And I would be all yours;
But instead of laying your love on thick,
You choose only to close your doors.

Alas, you made me fall so fast,
But my love isn't something you'd want to last.

How am I to live?
When this vow goes unbroken?
Too silent;
Too long.

Your heart
Is ev'rything
That matters to my own,
I am struggling to live like this.
I know too well that I'll never be yours.
But I'm learning to live with it.
Your friendship is worth it.
You have filled it
My heart

I refuse to lay my head down low

My dreams cannot seem to contain you

When a task is repeated
It becomes monotonous
I don't want you to feel cheated,
but inspiration is not bottomless.

Sometimes, I do not want to write.
I always do, regardless.
And maybe that isn't right,
But I won't leave this challenge artless.

I'll continue to work at my best,
Even on the days like today.
Because this time won't be like the rest.

I'm going to finish this cliché.

You tried to scam me
With fake certification,
But I saw through you

Your desperate threats,
Spiralling legality,
All clearly nonsense

I'm a bad target,
Never that easy to fool;
Too big brain for you.

I just wish I looked different
Maybe then I wouldn't be treated the villain

Misery after euphoria,
Euphoria after misery.
Every moment, new dysphoria,
Every kind act feels like trickery.

So round and round
In a circle I go,
What semblance of truth I've found
Has been quickly lost in the flow.

Screens filled with data and words
Too much information, it blurs
Together, thick, unwieldy,
Lacking in trust or fealty,
Too much together,
Lost forever,
A moment.





In descent.

I can see the villain I'm becoming

Why do you deny this truth?

Another source of pain is forthcoming

Another reason to hate your youth.

So cast me out

You can do without.

Grotesque
Disgusting
Three sizes beyond the max

But that's reality

It's the things we cannot change that hurt us
And my life is completely unwanted

You still mean each one,
Even though you mean them differently.
These are feelings I should shun,
But they mean too much to me.

So far above is she,
Strewn in a chair in a chaotic workspace,
Stricken from my reach by a sheet of glass.

Can she even see me?
Penning notes and sheets of music apace,
As days and weeks, too fast, pass.

I long to know her,
I long to be her,
I long to stand by her side,
I long to become her bride.

But alas.
This art is meant for someone else.

The future is a place of terror to me,
Uncertain truths and dwindling returns.
The people around me fade out,
Or perhaps I'm the one lost in the background?
There isn't some international lost and found
Where old and new friends can simply shout
To allow me to return feelings I once spurned;

A future alone is all I can see.

A centum of poetic prose
Presented daily from this fractured soul
A veritable storm of highs and lows
As I've stretched to make myself whole

At the start, I was skeptic,
Never believing I could take myself this far,
But through a life dysphoric and narcoleptic,
I'm proud to say this doesn't seem bizarre.

It's not quite a third ways through,
But I'm maintaining a strong pace.
So, as I continue to write about you,
I hope you'll help me find my place.

This path is immeasurable,
Far too long for my eye.
But I've walked for enough now
That I've left the path behind.

Charting waters of art is scary,
Especially on a timeline I can't vary
But hey.
We're this far.
How about I say
I'll keep chasing this star?

I mean why not? Can't get any worse.

It all lost meaning because I didn't do it for me.
Getting all dressed up to the nines for everyone else
Took everything euphoric out of it all.

But now, I can see.
This time it was for myself.
It rose my heart too high to ever fall.

I lost my new identity
When it became a justification.
But I'm doing it all for me,
To hell with condemnation.

It's all the small things
That keep me pinned to the ground.
A thousand thousand grains of sand
Each a weight beyond me,
Each a weight I cannot bear.
I hate it.
I hate that I can't fix it.

Deeds in the mail;
They'll make me female
In the eyes of the law
I've had to endure.

Even though the world is **** right now,
Filled with people who won't allow
Me to be who I know I am;
I can be me, thankyou ma'am.

I can be happy, for at least a little while.

Two stones eroding,
Neither willing to give ground;
Forever bonded

Tick
Tick
Tick
Against my wrist
Against my mind
Tick
Tick
Tick
Forever pushing forward
Forever falling behind
Tick
Tick
Tick
Gears turning it's face
Gears turning my mind
Tick

Tick


Tick



Until this moment lasts forever