Of all the things we’ve shared together,
I will always remember…
The first time we hung out,
And how I had the best time with you.
How happy I felt getting to know you.

Our first kiss,
And how your lips felt against mine,
The first time you told me that you loved me,
And how that moment became a memory
I’ll never forget.

I love everything about you,
And anything that reminds me of you.
Because for me,
It will always be you…

People ask me why I do it.
How do I manage being here
When my Love is
1,446 miles away
Thirteen states away
One time zone away.

"How do you do it?"
"I could never do a long distance relationship." They say.
"I would never be able to handle it."

Well, the truth is
The way I can handle it
The way that helps me to "cope"
Is purely the fact
That my relationship is not
a Long Distance Relationship at all.

In this Love miles may be tangible
but they are everything but definable.
We had Love before there was a distance
and that distance will never be used to
Define us.

No matter how many miles there may be
I can still feel her Spirit with me.
Her laugh rings in my ears when I can barely muster a chuckle
Her fingers gently touch my skin when I drift off away at night
I can hear the gentle yawn of her voice when I get up saying,
"Good morning."
I can feel her singing along with me in the car to our Song when my voice cracks.

Our relationship is not a Long Distance Relationship.
Just because there is distance
does not mean that distance defines It.
She isn't absent until I come home
or when he visits me
My Love is always here.
She may be in whispers, and small chuckles, and light sighs
But a part of her is always here
Always with me
Always there
and I can feel it.

So in a sense
our Long Distance Relationship
has no distance at all.
Because creating distance means to separate or to bring apart
And that's not what our relationship does in the slightest.
If anything
these 1,446 miles bring us closer
Closer than we could ever imagine.

I'm not saying that I enjoy
not being able to physically see her everyday.
But this chapter in our Love is not hard or difficult or too much to handle
And it certainly isn't bringing us apart.
Because we both do not see any other option
This is worth it.
This is right.
This is It.
This is the kind of "It" that everyone talks about
we all hope for "It", search for "It", even die for "It."
and we are so blessed to have found It so early.

So these 1,446 miles will not be permanent
but they are so indescribably worth it.

How do I do this.
Cause the pain
Pain of the flock of crows
Impaling the love of her
Her they say,
Is the most rewarding and beautiful humanbeing on the planet.
But I,
I'm nothing...

I'm sorry that I'm like this.
Weak
Ugly
Arrogant
Selfish
I'm not the man you married.
I'm a coward. And will be for the rest of my life.
I'm not worth it. I'm not even worth anything.

I love you so much.
So so much.
My love for you is
Deeper than the ocean
Higher than the pines.

But my Pines are on fire and burning.
I'm dangerous
I'm ruining you every single day.
How can you be with someone like me.
How?
I'm so toxic.
Toxic..

I wish I can. Take it all back.
But I can't
You won't ever forgive.
And I cant forgive myself
For what I did to you.
I make you
cry and cry and cry
It kills me...

I'm sorry

I'm the Monster.

bathed myself in bleach
and scrubbed my skin with rubbing alcohol
when i light myself on fire
i feel somewhat better
and i have swept the kitchen floor a lot
almost obsessively
but when i walk around i still feel dirt on the bottom of my feet
i am surprised i still have the ability to feel anything
i tried drinking gasoline and licking flames

i am a freak
a coward
so things didn't work out
still,
i am used to disappointment
and,
i am used to hating myself