I did not ask for you to paint your feelings of past hurting from other lovers on my body
But you did
I want you to know
That I would not never clench your heart
And squeeze out its contents
In an attempt to fertilise my own insecurities
I want you to know that
It is ok to show emotion and to be delicate
It is ok to show weakness because after weakness comes strength
I want you to know
That I know it takes great courage to pick yourself out of the rubble war has caused instead of burying your head in the dirt
I want you to know
that I am not like her
I am like me
I would not inflict the pain of a million heartaches on you to appease my own hurting

you can call me crazy for believing in love
believing in the chance of there being someone
whose heart is synchronised to yours

I wonder sometimes where shooting stars go with all of our wishes ?
will they ever be granted?

what do you see when you look at me
do you see me at all
the real me
do you see it ?

through the straight lines they try to balance us on
do you see me in the way I stray away from the parallel

do you see the real me not the picturesque airbrushed version I present to you
blemished and bruised do you see me?

do you see the way I hesitate to say what I'm feeling and whats on my mind  
because I don't have words that can make those things cascade beautifully from lips

can you see I am not a spoken word or speech
I am a written letter , twisted font conjoined cursively
on a blank piece of paper, not restricted to lines

not many get past the sealed envelope
not many want to

I couldn’t just give you half my heart
I had to give it all
I didn’t care if that meant I wouldn’t have anything for me as long as you didn’t fall

Have you ever noticed the patterns on the brain resemble a maze
once you try to delve too deep into someone's temporal lobe you can easily be led astray,
misled if you wonder too far up an unfamiliar path
sometimes it's not worth trying to understand their amygdala
but often sometimes you meander hopefully and eventually get past the labyrinth which is their emotions
encountering a true understanding of an individual in the core of the maze
this I desire more than riches

I have already mentally prepared myself
because you have already drifted
So I know where this is heading
but physically i'm not ready to go through that kind of pain
It’s soul ******* .

You are such a sweetheart
I'm a cold-hearted *****
I think we are perfect

I don't want to get up and walk through the rubble
gathering pieces that had been glued imperfectly together once before
I don't want to disturb the peace
it only just became quiet , muted

I will just lay still here
clinching to the hushed disarray

I envy how the rain can just wash away what it pleases

Not every wound creates painful and ugly impressions
some create beautiful illustrations on a beautiful soul
so be careful to nurture those wounds
accept them because they are yours
time will provide healing no matter how far in the future that maybe
so beautiful soul hold hands with time
because it is your friend
a friend that has been with you on every journey

Take me across the ocean
Teach me how to swim in your lies

When I say I am out for repair
I mean I am removing, rewiring and renewing
the toxicity that is slowing my progress

All these bolts missing and screws loosened
no wonder the machine does run smoothly
it's ok to be out of service for maintenance
it's ok to have to remove some anomalies  
that maybe causing your wires to spark
you have to replace the bad with the good
and the old with the new
to be whole and fully functional
or just be a better you

It's funny how life slaps you in the face and force feeds you unwanted experiences

I don't have pretty hair
my attitude stinks
I stammer and sometimes my words come out backwards
I'm not always going to smile, I can promise you that
I push people away and have a hard time letting them back in
I will never be easy to love
Will you still hold my hand ?

It’s a little colder now
A little harder to breathe
Harder to get the words out
I’m a little choked up
so please don't ask me if I'm ok
I just might breakdown

Your pretty smile
To the pretty shine in your eyes that could light up a whole city
To the pretty thoughts in your mind that escape and breathe fire to my kingdom
To the pretty insight you used to thaw the ice queens castle
To the pretty omnipresence that sang me a silent lullaby allowing the pacification I needed to rest my head every night

All I ever wanted was stability
somewhere I could be safe
not afraid
but the universe has chewed up every bit of familiarity I held like a heartbeat
and made it flatline

we were from the start a sunken ship far greater than the titanic

Unaccomplished
Insufficient
Unworthy of being hired

Unloved
forgotten
Not worthy of being remembered

Silenced
A little too quiet
Not worthy of being heard

Now I have too much silence
too much peace
not enough pace
I think it is foolish to want a little trouble
but right now I'm floating on motionless water
with no storm cloud in sight
and I hate the stillness of it all

I finally decided to sit down and listen to the music that was hummed as you strummed on my heart strings
The song you played was a fairytale
Without a happy ending

I can tell when your hurting
I already know when your unhappy
this tingly feeling is weirdly unnatural
My heart is jumping too fast and falling even faster

I'm scared of diving head first into heartbreak
plummeting into love movies and sad songs
I'm not ready to drink you away
so please can you stay with me forever ?

will you tell me what you're feeling
what you're thinking
why don't you speak to me when you're angry
what is going on in your head
why am I met with silence when I try to unlock your voice
it is what picks at my flesh the most
it is what speaks idiocy in my ear
telling me it's all going to disintegrate like it never existed
telling me just like everything else in my life
this will turn into nothing

I am no author but I am the director of my life's screen play

Pressure for perfection
more from me than from them
I don’t know that they would even bother if they knew my own mind is my worst critic
Stopping me in my tracks sometimes before ever even starting something new
Dragging me backwards without a moments notice  

Why am I my biggest adversary ?
My mind a war zone
Where am supposed to find tranquility, serenity?  

Then I remember your smile
Yours and mine combined
It can calm any reckless wave of anxiety
So greedily, I want to capture those moments  
Freeze them forever in time and placidly encompass them in my embrace