I fell for you the moment we met,
But not all at once.
It was a slow descent,
More of a seeping
Into somewhere I had not been before.
Would it be sweet and warm?
Would it be tranquil and still?
Or would it chew me up, spit me out,
Leave me drowned and alone?

And I kept falling.
And you dragged me down by my hair.
A flirty text tugged me down like a brick,
Towards some unknown damnation.
A grab of the thigh sent me spinning,
Over and over and over for weeks.

Then I landed.
Without grace and grazing my skin.
I landed in a place called Truth.
It was filled with a single light,
Surrounded by shadows that whispered
that you would never love me back.
And the whispers broke my bones,
They drew blood from my nose.
I screamed.

But then I began to float,
Carried by a warm wind.
A wind who called herself Revelation.
She told me to rise up
And to realise that you were still here
Here for me.
And that even if it's not in the way I wanted,
It's more than I could ever ask for.

Now, basked in the light of Friendship,
My bones mend, my nose stops bleeding.
And I can start healing.

Each day I wake with a feeling of pride.  
I’ve made a recovery, have healed my mind.
Learned to appreciate the world so wide,
Do my washing, make my bed, fall in line.
I even go for daily walks to clear my head,
For when the man in the shadows spits out death threats,
To escape what is and discover what could be,
If I just power through with my recovery.

But I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know how to live,
I went diving head first without knowing how to swim.
My family waits, smiles fixed, but eyes tired,
Clapping for any little thing, weighed down by wishful pride.
I just have to raise the alarm, make some kind of sound,
But falling is fine until you hit the ground.

You came and took my breath away,
Took my soul and now I'm clay,
For you to mould as you see fit,
To reassemble bit by bit.

Give me a brain to think of you,
Give me a heart to bring life new,
Give me veins for my blood to race,
Give me fingers to stroke your face.

Take my brain and make it yours.
Take my heart and smash it on the floor.
Take my veins and tie them in knots.
Take my fingers and let them rot.

You came and took my breath away,
Stole my soul and left me clay,
For you to slice and pound and rip,
To dismantle and to leave in bits.

It's 3AM.

We're on FaceTime.
You play your guitar.
The Smiths.
I don't like the Smiths.
But I like you so it's okay.

It's 3AM.

Unholy hour,
But on my screen is an angel.
All I can do is watch
Spectate
Smile.
"I'm gonna play you one I wrote."
I wait vigorously.
I can't wait to hear your lyrics.
Words are like drugs to me.
And then you sing you words
And I'm on high with a god.
You're shrouded in cigarette smoke
But I see you clearer than ever.
I'm in my bed alone,
But I'm not lonely.

It's 4AM. And I wish time would stop.

I can't come down from this tower,
I'm held here by a curse's power.
I just stare at the stars in the midnight hour,
But I long for the ground, to touch a flower.

I struggle to eat, can barely drink,
I crack open a book, drown in ink.
But it's clear to me that I'm on the brink:
Of sadness.

                                                   I can't get out of bed, or in the shower,
                                                    I'm held here by my own self's power.
                                            I stare at the ceiling until an ungodly hour,
                                    My mind beginning to wilt like a dying flower.

                                        My confidence and my heart begin to shrink,
                                   But growing still are the ***** plates in the sink.
                                           I continue to breathe, but I am on the brink
                                                           ­                                      Of madness.

They are like mirrored glass,
Reflecting back to me what is true,
Seeing not what will come to pass,
But facing it through and through.

Mine look to yours with admiration,
Like a sculptor at his marble, chipped,
A silent din of determination.
Like a slave on his knees being whipped.

The eyes have it and it is all,
The fury, the judgement, the pride,
They see the rise, the peak, the fall
And through it all they cried.

The eyes have it and it is done,
The setting sun between the hills,
They see it all and all is one
The hunt, the capture, the ****.

The music at the party is pumping.
All the teenagers are     jumping.
But I only hear  my  heart  thumping.
Alone   on the sofa and   slumping.
Stewing in   solitude,   a dumpling.
Starting to   disintegrate,   crumbling.
I feel a disturbance,   a rumbling.
I reach for my phone, I'm   fumbling,
For a text, a call,        something,
Anything to enhance   the    numbing.
I rise from my perch,  stumbling  .
I  collidewithsomepeople, they're grumbling.
Now I'm    falling  out  the  door,   tumbling.

People are laughing, tutting frowning.
They see me on the ground, but I'm
                                                             ­   drowning.

Fire and pain and sorrow behind me,
A soul in my knapsack they didn't want me to have.
   I hear shouts from behind the wall I've broken,
     I can't let them get me again.
      A light, a song, a passion for me
        Lying just beyond the boundary.
      They shoot me down and I bleed tears,
     But I emerge, my loot intact.
   But I emerge, body busted and broken.
But I emerge.

I sing to my captor through the bars,
But all he does is mock me, mimic my song,
Trapped, ensnared, fortified.
I have not yet learned to fly
But I have not yet yearned to die:
There is still time to hope, to dream, to fail.
Time has allowed me to realise many a thing,
Like the key that I clasp and the lock that it fits
Just. Out. Of. Reach.
Time has allowed me to reflect,
Like the mirror that shows me my captor,
Previously a window, now a truth.
Just. Out. Of. Time.