A lifelong loner, with the dawn of each day, keeps one promise, more sadness & agony
Father abandoned me, mother too high to visit me, leaves me with an abuser, to show me their ways
To this day, I think of you & all you have taught me
How to live in fear, not being myself, become a character to please those that may fear me

People skills non-existent, however, I stayed resilient, through the insults & feeling unworthy
Surely, someone will see a light in me, or is it too dim? Oh, that's right, you view me as glib
Back in my place, with a lid put on it
Did I do something to offend? Merely being born in this world of sin, forgive me where is the gun?

That's what I should have done, many moons ago, end it all before I knew better
Since I know better, when will I become better? Never is the answer
I am a cancer, that has stricken two families
Cut me out, lump removed, it behooves you, but you knew this

Then there are the "friendships" I attempted to wedge myself in  
Unknowing of how to be a friend, I'd watch, learn, mimic & pretend
Now I'll surely fit in?
Nah loser, another sad talespin, leaves me Baloo

I continue to watch & learn, this time from afar
With the bar set to a new low, by my own hand, I stand in a shadow, from the lights sight
Darkness is my home, the ground is my throne
I sit in a mess of my own making, quaking, with a handout

I am a man down & many days out
Yet, no one knows the depths of my pain
All the snickers, pushed me towards the snickers, elevating the bar
Inward scars become visible on the outside, stretched across my skin

Another attempt at a "normal" life in an abnormal society
Taking all the lessons learned to craft a new me
Authentically, unapologetically, me
Wishing you well, wayward son of no one

By Axton Rupp

I reside in my feelings
Classify myself as soft
Tender is my ego from my tinder experience
On bumble I was stung, only to be left stumbling
No fresh coffee wants to meet a day old bagel

I create fables with my imagination
The open wound on my sleeve festers
Causing thoughts to manifest
They get the best of me, so y'all get the worst
My lifelong curse

I could listen to every song about love
Never finding a verse to relate to
It's late as I write this too, or early based on perspective
I need a Detective, to locate my innocence
Where in then, I might find the man I am supposed to be

Sought out affection from the wrong places
Chasing those that fear being caught
Weary from the pursuit, I become a mute
Ask me to speak up but the point is moot
Run along, practice your shoot dance

Romance, that induces a trance, is an intoxicating aroma
Pity that my presence is nauseating
There is no debating, I know my history
I am no mystery, just misguided by my own hand
I write because I am left with reading between the lines

I'll stand the test of time
Sands through the hourglass
This is the daze that is my life

By Axton Rupp

Searching for balance
Equality within one's self
Battles rage between
Survival
Gratitude
Purity
And sinister behaviors

Are they merely excuses
For my greed?
For my self-indulgence?
For security?
For relationships both friendly & otherwise?

I know I'm doing wrong to live right
Everybody has a hustle
Crooked or straight
On this life's wander
I've encountered forks
Try to take the righteous
Drawn to the lure of the shadows

Eventually, make my own path
In the grey, diagonal
Until I'm presented with the next opportunity
Never knowing
When it'll  spring upon me

Believe me or not
I'm a good person
Even if I'm unsure at moments myself
**** the cards I was dealt
I'm a chess player
Think
Risk
Win
Despite my means  

I do my dirt all by my lonely
Maintain being humble & true
With unwavering loyalty
To those that reciprocate

By Axton Rupp

Taken by the quirks
Accentuating the uniqueness
Glanced over
In favour of common features
Rather you look like yourself
Then be someone else's idea of beautiful

Nose wiggling while you talk
Freckles some may be fickle about
Colour palettes for eyes painting pictures
Seductive accent with a sultry tone
A cackle that'll crackle
Brilliant mind all your own

Altering preconceived notions
If allowed access
To those you do
Relentless affection
Be remiss not to mention
These are merely a few fascinations

By Axton Rupp

I keep lying to myself
Saying I have no expectations
When all I want, is that butterfly sensation
Derived from one of our conversations

Throughout the day
I would glance at you
Receiving the gift of one back, from time to time
Just across from sublime sky blue eyes

Nightfall bestows itself  
Here we are drunken eye to drunken eye
Topics being discussed span a broad spectrum, as I hang on each word
I'm captivated by you, yearning for more of you

The morning I rise & crack my eyes
You're there in front of me sound asleep
Careful not to disturb
I make my way outside

I rolled my morning piff
6AM I watch the sunrise
In tune with nature
Birds sing, tree leaves rustling in the slight breeze

I think about you
How you looked at me
Spoke with me
Laughed with me

How fortunate for me
A morning chat
It wasn't just the liquor
I'm feeling something different & real

Our first embrace
Is sadly our last to this date
I wanted to tell you
I covet you

I hear murmurs that hell has frozen over
You have a "crush" on me?
Reciprocated thoughts
Couldn't be?

In turn, I put the word out
The feeling is mutual
And this is where it begins
The lie of no expectations

I reached out to you
In hopes for a response
To ignite intrigue
And one week later I still wait

Even your friend asks me
About how I feel
I express myself a great deal
Not an appeal simply honest & real  

I wish you would connect with me
Yet, I'm beginning to think
You're going to recant
Realizing you never meant what you said

It wouldn't be the first time
You would be one of many in the line
I've been fooled before
And made one of myself too

This why I try to lie
Say, I have no expectations
When truthfully
I do

By Axton Rupp

How vein & narcissistic can I be?
Always sad & lonely yet I think women could be interested in me?
This is left field, not a representation of reality
Is my somber attitude a formality?
Hidden from public view behind my frowning veil?

Obese, with odd thoughts
Striving to be normal or recognized as such
Drunk on my own pity & arrogance, I'm quite the lush
Complex? No... merely a mutt, that's the **** of life's jokes
Mush, mush, I'm a foolish hound

In here, there is not a sound
Hollow as an empty gym with a bouncing rebound
This is me announcing to the world
I'm full of myself, how absurd
I perturb yours truly

A running tab of my thoughts
Scattered among my bruised & battered memories
Confused is who I'll always be
No matter, until I find my next heartache
Or perhaps a sullen place?  

By Axton Rupp

I disguise my feelings with friendly words
Knowing the fight to tell my truth is absurd
Words mean more to me  whether they're said or written
I fantasize about telling you how smitten I am
These friendly feeling are a sham
My courage is on the lamb perhaps I'll find it in Uzbekistan?

Imagination has us gripping sand between our toes
Walking a coastline with a ruby sunset sky
Look at you with love reflecting from my eyes
No longer hiding behind my guise
No more lies to you or myself
Admit what I've fought I sought after your heart

The sun sets, the moon begets as it illuminates your skin
I begin with my words only to be hushed
One finger gently pressed on my lips
While your hand reaches for mine they become intertwined
With the one line…it's about time
She whispers with a wry smile

All the while, in reality, our friendship is a formality
Begging to end to make room for my new silent obsession
That will be another 6:48 AM writing session

By Axton Rupp

The art of letting go
Knowing when to say enough
Not allowing oneself to be drawn back in
Only to be snuffed

Not a strong point
Too much contemplation
Becoming  consumed
By thoughts of you
When the only thought should be
I am through

Trying to decipher signs of any kind
No matter the conclusion
Still blind

By Axton Rupp

Your aura emanates
While it vibrates
Vibrant hues

Inside losing control
Due to the sight
You are to behold

In your embrace
Feels like home
Warm, without worries

A flurry of thoughts
Has me, lost
In your brilliance

This has to be
The millionth time
You've bloomed in my mind

By Axton Rupp

Where am I going?
I want to see it all
The four corners
The heart of the motherland

What is missing?
The beat to my heart
A kindred light
Hand in hand

Will, I ever witness a periwinkle sky?
Near the border of Shanghai
Certify our pleasure
Flying high together

By Axton Rupp

Alone where silence echoes
Wind whistles through the holes in my heart
Saltwater saturates the soul
Relationships in ruins, smolder around me
Love evades leaving scars with its double-edged blade
Weary from stress, it leaves its sliver hallmark in my curly locks
Step outside myself & stand eye to eye
Unrecognizable is the guy in the reflection of my eyes

By Axton Rupp

My family hates me & I have no friends
I be myself, it's not good enough
Reflect, make changes, it's not good enough
Call my bluff
Ask me your fluff questions
Tell me I'm wrong
Pointing out qualities that are good

I'll counter with the facts of my life
Show you the lack of love, I have for myself
How I have dealt with guilt
Attempting to outrun shame
Embarrassed by my thoughts
Tootie ought to sit down for an hour session
My ‘how to ****-up your life lessons’

I count my blessings
They never amount to happiness
I'm in a place where joy is fleeting
While your all celebrating with festive cheer
I'll be over here, in my familiar sunken place
Once a pillar of strength, on the outside
Is a mere shell, mimicking the motions of perceived normality

To those that think I am a friend or consider me family
There's still time for me to prove you wrong
It will dawn upon you & you'll question…
What was I ever drawn to?
You'll cast away your heavy dark shadow
While I wrap myself it's embrace
Lonely is my mind, heart & soul
With no family or friends to fill that hole
Behold, my inner honest thoughts

By Axton Rupp

Why reach out when you won't reach back?
Lack of relationships leave me dismissive
Feeling misted by my emotions

A potent potion causing moments of over thinking
Step outside myself & stare without blinking
Blank is where my mind isn't but I wish my slate was

Sucker for love or the idea of it
The most harden person covets it at one point
Anoint a special someone to be blood of my blood

How many have I looked at longingly?
Only to become a bother & shunned
Love is not in my equation

I'm the sum of a square with no roots
Just tumbleweed stumbling in pursuit of self-truths
Looted myself of feeling anything except misery

Where is she? I'd counter where am I?
Nowhere in her sight
I stay hidden in a haze feeling sorry about my plight

It's, not my size it's my insides that cause women fright
I'm a losing battle saddled with sadness
Drowning in madness
I digress

By Axton Rupp

Love, please find me, I am waiting with open arms
The butterflies in my belly are ready to flutter
No eyes for another, deep breath... reach for the hand of my lover
Delicate, slender, fingers, wrapped around mine
Signifies our feelings are intertwined
Excuse my daydream, it abuses my heart
Off gallivanting in my imagination for a lark
Be at the start of something beautiful

Love, please find me, I am waiting with bated breath
Wishing to be adept at the depths of love  
Savor a shared kiss, to later reminisce on the flavour of your lips
To twist & turn, to learn & grow, to love & never let go
Alas, I have been shunned, left out in the cold, where I will wither, growing old
Love deems me no sight to behold
Scolded by your intensity, my propensity is to scamper from your light
There is no warmth in darkness but it is all I have known

By Axton Rupp

Alone, my familiar home, with only my thoughts to keep me company
Four hours ago, everything was lovely with you beside me
I revere your essence, your presence, your grin coupled with your laugh of delight

Each night working together, my fondness for you flourishes, it nourishes my soul
One evening it almost slipped, during one of our quips, but I bit my lip
In fear not to lose a glimmer of potential friendship

I like the way your skin glistens in the fluorescent glow from above
You have me misted to the point I wish we could share kisses
Another lost one

Trying to hide inward feelings, leaves me with scars buried inside
Attempts to take it in stride, abide by self-imposed rules
Tools used to contain inane thinking

By Axton Rupp

On the corner of lonely & sad
South of everything he wanted to be
Just west of love & happiness
Sits a man that often thinks of when he was a boy
Silently smirking about the ambition he once had
Smoke billows from his mouth as puffs with no pass

Looking into the sun until a cloud covers its rays
It begins to rain but he stays while others run away
No fault to them the clouds lack silver linings

What's binding him to that spot?

He's lost with hateful thoughts
Numb to mocks from the flock on the outside
Inward is where it hurts the worst
Waiting for him to blurt out his sorrow
He merely continues to sit with his spliff

I wonder if each hit is a wish?

Love from a Miss, to hold hands with & kiss
His oldest wish
It's too foggy with that salty mist
Hidden from sight despite stature

When's the last time you heard pure laughter?

From him?

He's never happy only top up with apathy
Every day he sits on this corner
Mimicking a foreigner in a land he created

By Axton Rupp

Fluctuation is my bio-rhythm
Attempts at living life each day
Only symbolism
Never the less time is spent
Wallowing in murky memories of prior days
Causes anguish to bubble & rage

My life was an accident
Thus the life I've led since laments
No coincidence accomplishment ring hollow  
Due to the nature from which they've derived
Yet, I know inside they are my decisions
To which I cannot hide

The gap between you & I
Obtuse, far & wide
Despite taking my failures in stride
The pain of knowing
I've self-sabotaged
My one shot at existence

By Axton Rupp