What pulsates, in here?
All of life, a carmine boom,
In a stark blue room.

Ice will chill, but blood is warm
Racing, chasing blues away,
Begging love and happiness to stay.

Red, forever reigns
Scarlet heart shall overrule the gloom
In this forsaken, sharp blue room.

I must tread carefully,
Your heart is in intensive care
And only just stable.
Let me nurse you,
I will be gentle.
I'm prescribing friendship, hope and love.
Swallow these sweet pills,
And just enjoy the cure.

I have no words to speak of these tears
That arrive unbidden, an exquisite release
That has nothing to do with grief.
I can do nothing but allow them to blanket me
with something that is not quite comfort, but knowing;
"Ah, so it is, this is what it is, and will be."
This is a moment that is purely mine,
A recognition, something permitted, at long last.
No denials, for I know myself,
And can be gentle, now.
I love you.

My eyes are getting heartily sick of the demands on them
And are refusing to produce
Any more tears.
My stomach
Wants a chuckle,
So come on,
Joke me up
real good,
I need a
       Hysterical
           Over the top
                Roll around
                     Chortle-fest.

I need to start laughing
Before my eyes give in,
And begin, again,
To cry.

Homing beacon lips
Your aim is true, this swift kiss
Fated not to miss.

I poured and drank a final glass of wine with you
Undertaking that sacrament
With a pure heart, for the very last time.
But where was the rapture
Of union with my God?
Unconsecrated, I yearned
for flames, and burned
Burned with something else
Unspoken, like a prayer.

I poured and drank a final glass of wine with you
Undertaking that sacrament
With a pure heart, for the very last time.
But where was the rapture
Of union with my God?
Unconsecrated, I yearned
for flames, and burned
Burned with something else
Unspoken, like a prayer.

Two dice tumbling, over and over
Shaken together, rolled over leather,
Always coming up a double six.
Enjoy this game, this sweet duet,
Revel in the harmony of chance.
Together, we will always be the most, the best,
Without you, I roll one,
A sad, lost, lonely die.

Just sadness, is all there is and a pain in between my throat and my chest and an anger with myself and a sadness, such a sadness that I do not want to eat and I do not want to sleep and I do not want to love. I only want to love. I do not want to hate. I only want to love. I do not want to love.

I only want to love.

So, I started listening to Johnny Cash,
And yes, it hurt, why do we feed our pain with music?
Why do we do that? It isn't enough to just feel pain,
We have to feeeeeed it,
Bit of Jeff Buckley, no Hallelujah moment for me though,
Just salt tears and - hello (is there anybody in there?)
I've found my way to Floyd,
I wish I was ******* numb,
I haven't been comfortable for a long, long time.
Welcome, Radiohead, because I need to know that I'm a creep,
I really need to wallow in my weirdness.
Hell, let's have some Smashing Pumpkins while we're at it,
I'm ready for some Billy Corgan angsty rants.
Yes I'm your zero, The world is a ******* vampire and
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
You tell 'em Billy, hey, let's move on to Nine Inch Nails
Because there's something I can never have
My whole existence is flawed.

I am not a very nice person
And it's fine.
I know it, I accept it
I am not nice.
I don't want to be nice.
Who would choose to be Olivia Newton John
Over Scarlett O'Hara?
Nice gets you nowhere,
Good gets you nothing,
Ask Marilyn, Miley or Madonna
Nice girls finish last.

I have a scar
That makes it look as if my belly is smiling
like Mona Lisa, a half smile, curving up, and out.
When I stand before the mirror
I cover it with my right hand, automatically,
Pretend it isn't there.
When I try on a bikini
It has to cover the smile, securely.
When I strip for a massage,
Or change in the gym,
I turn aside from prying eyes
And hope they do not see
the ragged rip dividing me in two.
When I was five years old, I nearly died
And the scar saved my life.
So, strange that I reject
what I should embrace, with thankful joy.
Sad, that I can only see the ugly and the now.
If it did not exist, neither would I,
My scarsmile, my reminder,
Here, I shall thank you,
Here, and only here, I can reveal.

There is no room for delicious
For hungry, naked glances
And sips of you and whisky at the bar.

No place for fevered kisses
Lost in you, then coming to,
Colliding in a cab home.
To them, unsuspecting,
We are demons.

There is no way to justify these acts
Except the warm, sweet smell of you
Fading from my skin
Unspoken, welcome new sensations
All consuming
Oh so sweet.

I looked at you, appraisingly
And felt very little,
Could even call it nothing.
How could all those feelings disappear – and where are they now?
Lying dormant, waiting to be reactivated
By your hungry, longing glance?
Or gone forever, welcome realisation
Prompting utter disregard?
My inspiration has fled with the feelings,
So bring back the longing,
The anger, the aching, and the angst.
I cannot lose
My one and only muse.

The night smells of popcorn, spilled wine and beach *****
Plastic sugar sweet.
As Baby and Johnny start to dance,
So do a few thousand beauties
In cut off shorts, white pumps and ******* tops
Or flouncy dresses, and seamed stockings
Dancing, dancing, with abandon and wistful delight,
Remembering the first time they ever saw this film
And had their hearts broken by the now dead actor
And his shy (but sassy) girl.
As the credits roll ***** bounce across the fields
And we all keep dancing
Desperate to remain
In the moment
Dreaming 'til dawn.

I dream in
The colours of the palette you have gifted
my eyes see

New colours
Not-like-red and not-like-blue

Like the new love
not of the seven kinds
ever more than Eros and

Familial,
cerebral,
Celestial fantastical

Breathe, breathe, breathe
in gasps and
small
bewildered
shudders.

Coming

To see that
You have set me
Free.

Scalpel to the eye
Will slice away my blindness
At least - some of it.

Hopeless inadequacy
Binds me to the ground.
Cruel roots; anxiety, despair,
Pull at the soles of my feet,
Earthing me, pretending common sense.
The most terrible obstacles
Always lie within,
My greatest enemy;
That traitorous *******, doubt,
And I cannot cast him out.

I need to be locked up, chained up,
STOPPED.
I'd do it to myself,
If I didn't think I'd find a devious way
to escape
Like chew off my own hand,
Or scream until someone called a locksmith.

Don't do it, for Gods' sake,
Find a way for it not to happen.
Find some ancient mouldy food in the fridge
And chow it down,
Call all your friends,
Find someone in crisis, that needs you by their side.
Turn on all the taps and flood the house,
Get blind drunk.
Feign pregnancy.
Just sit here
And read random poems
Until it's too late
Until it's too late.

She dances in circles,
Moving through the beat
In the hazy spanish heat.
Skirts fly, hungry eyes
Following her firm brown thighs
Pumping arms, and thumping feet
in the hazy spanish heat.

She dances with abandon
Lost and found, dizzy and wet
With a stranger she just met.
Hands clasped, waist grasped
Churning dust amidst a fevered lust,
Move the dance to tangled sheets,
In the hazy spanish heat.

This is a sad month.
The chance of another perfect Summers day
Falls away.

September channels melancholy.
Summer crazy turns to calm.
Excitement dies,
We start to pack away the years' memories,
Growth slows,
We ponder.

I have learned nothing.
Autumn's inevitability
Echoes my own, unchanging nature.

Perhaps I can learn from the season's changes,
There are things that I, too, should try to put to bed.
I will try to say goodbye
Not just to sun, and warmth,
But to my mistakes.

It's not a time for sadness
But for welcoming the chance to start again.

This is a sad month.
The chance of another perfect Summers day
Falls away.

September channels melancholy.
Summer crazy turns to calm.
Excitement dies,
We start to pack away the years' memories,
Growth slows,
We ponder.

I have learned nothing.
Autumn's inevitability
Echoes my own, unchanging nature.

Perhaps I can learn from the season's changes,
There are things that I, too, should try to put to bed.
I will try to say goodbye
Not just to sun, and warmth,
But to my mistakes.

It's not a time for sadness
But for welcoming the chance to start again.

Its the perfect costume for a superhero goddess, and it makes her feel invincible; fishnet stockings, blazing red bra, heroine hotpants and the clincher; kitten heels.

Bunny can take on the world, now, appropriately dressed. She's got superpowers, alright, the doom-dogs seem to think so, and they're running scared.

Those rumours, that they trade and use and barter, of baby bunny's beautiful mouth, sloe doe eyes, and inexhaustible tongue. It's been said that she can bring an evil tyrant to his knees as she sinks down to her own, it's been said, she's good and bad, so very bad, so very, very good...

But, listen!

*** bunny's been given a new mission; There's a new and timely terror, and the doom-dogs are, of course, the evil source; find and *******, *** bunny, the formidable phallus of doom.

Only you, ***** tawny Queen of Dawn are up to the task. Don your whiskered mask, wriggle your nose once, twice, yummy bunny, and fly, fly! Find the phallus, save the world.

It's your destiny.
You were born to blow the horn for cosmic ****.

She-Wolf

You keep me awake
Writhing ‘neath the moon, listen
Can you hear me howl?

He Wolf

I made you howl, *****
I’ll make you howl again, and
This time I’ll join you.

Gotta stop writing
**** love poems
For a complete ****
Who will never read them.

Gotta stop writing
Crap fantasies
About a complete ****
Who will never fulfil them.

Gotta stop writing
Sick eulogies
For a dead friendship
That will never hear them.

Gotta stop writing
**** love poems
Before they become
All that I can write.

Finally
My body and my psyche are in sync.
Sick
In pain and wasting away.

It's only a stomach upset
But it feels right,
Somehow.
Feeling 'well' felt incongruous,
Now, I feel as I should -
Sick, everywhere.

I wonder if recovery
Will stretch to a lifting of the spirit, too?
As I nurture my body with soup, sleep and rest,
Will the rest of me find sustenance, and come back
To wellness,
Can I drag my heartsick mind back to robust health?
Or is my body
Stronger than my soul?

A sweep of sick nostalgia,
At these old familiar mind games.

Second guessing,
Constant stressing.

Are you playing with me?
No, I'm playing with myself.
Mmmmm...and it feels good.

A peanut butter bagel
And a really strong coffee, laced with sugar.
Sunlight dapples carpet
Slippers cushion feet.
Cats purr
Children stir
Poems call
And I am simply
      Happy.

My better self
Is giving my weak and silly self
A pep talk.

He isn't worth it, she says.
There's nothing to like, let alone love.
And you don't love him, anyway,
It's an infatuation.
He paid you some attention,
Made you feel amazing, and admired,
But he should have kept his **** mouth shut.
Why would you care about someone,
Who would do that to his two friends,
One he called his best friend?
What a scumbag.
Forget him.
Let.  Him.  Go.

My weak and silly self smiles a silly smile
And nods, weakly.
Yes, yes,
She says.
Yes.

Golden infant, left abandoned, in a world you'll never know,
Cupid found you bathed in sunlight
And he froze you in the snow.
You are sleeping, I am weeping,
Both for you, and she who fled,
She will keep her grief so secret,
You will never leave your bed.