I started counting
counting my calories
the numbers between my thighs
how many times I lied about being "fine"
I cant stop counting
I'm counting down
Ill stop counting when i hit

Zero

its so much easier to climb
into bed and pull the blanket up
past the legs that held you up all day
and over your head that's so stubborn
where all your dark shadows live

crawl back into a hole
where you can wrap yourself
in the blanket that weighs to much
to move even the slightest to get out
and walk three steps to the fridge

so the blanket gets bigger
and your body gets smaller
till there is nothing

but a blanket
              
                   for someone else

I can't write

The words used to spill out of my head like a waterfall but now I feel like there's a wall

A wall that blocks my brain from putting symbols together to form a word or even a sentence

The sentences on my paper must be invisible I can't see them

I don't know where they went

They meaning the words I used to write or say but now can't even think

I can't write

Words
Can't find the right ones
Essays
  Can't seem to write them selfs
Stress
   Bubbles over the will to work
Rain
   Smoothing out the ruff edges
Finished
   The next day is free to write what
Writes
        
  

                                     It




Self

I wanna stop
stop smoking
   stop the cutting
     and at some point

stop existing

People on the streets say pretty
   Cute
         Lovely

But the people on the streets are not friends

So when I say lonely
    Gross
       Falling apart
    
They don't understand because they are just

  
           People on the street

smoke in my lungs
cigarette pressed to my lips
memories of you
start to fade away
as I smoke my cigarette

The thing that calms me the most about
                  The virus
Is to see how many people run around lost
                    And scared and stressed
Never sure if or when they could die or get it
  

With anxiety I'm constantly worried
        And stressed
But to watch as the rest of the world
             Break down
There is were I find my calm

I wanted to talk about it to cry with every other hurt kid out there
I could have screamed and cried till my eyes turned blood red
I wish that it didn't happen or there was a support group for it

I didn't talk about it or cry like every one else
I couldn't scream my voice was no longer existent
I didn't need a support group or to sob over what was once here

I got high to feel okay with it
I smoked just like he once did
I missed what was once
   my bus driver and best friend

The scrambled letters
Always spell what I want

Jsjajsgvdcutkjnhk

Even if no one sees

Kajhdbdldepressionkmadjqf

It's there in my head in my soul

Kakebkfoaldiekajshd

Always what I should do

Qljwcutkwjddepressedjakdie

Never leaves me alone


YOUNG TEEN COMMITS SUICIDE

The scrambled letters are gone

And so am I

I'm awake
Wide awake at 12 in the morning
Ready for my eyes to be heavy with sleep, but instead my eyes are heavy with tears

While my family is sleeping in the bed next to mine

I lay still and empty of life as not to wake them at 12 in the morning, when the world itself is not even up yet

oh how I miss the words you'd whisper softly in my ear
the way your heart beat on your rib cage

oh how I miss the sound of your small voice
smaller then a mouse that only a bear could hear

oh how I miss the I love you
the sweet kisses you gave

I'd love to be loved

The thought of someone keeping me smiling or holding hands and the small jokes

I love the thought of being in love

The thought of how things would be or could be

If I wasn't so scared to take a leap of faith than these
                Thoughts
Wouldn't be just
                        Empty actions

I go out

Most nights

They consist of slushes and candy and sweet night time kisses

Most nights it’s dark and I remember to put things back

Not last night

Unlike most nights I forgot

I forgot to pick up and be quite.



Now my most nights will be no nights..

And my sweet kisses will be a wet pillow full of sadness

It's hard to say when it went wrong
  Exactly when the sun hit the trees,
    When the moon became my best friend?

Where did I stray so far from the "right" why of life

its over. schools back and the soul I once thought no one could never break caved in with the weight of someone i thought never meant to hurt me

is it bad the little cracks in my heart and the empty feeling in my tummy keep growing

the scars on my wrists grow darker because the cat my lack of A's in the report card bring peering eyes and worry

the crushed soul has left and the sad eyes to leaving me with this shell people would once have said was beautiful

the beauty should come back but its been forever and the broken child hasn't left since she first came to visit  

           that's it the once smiley hopeful child


                                        gave up her everything

isn't it funny that no matter how much pain you can be in you can't seem to let go? even if you feel like dying you can't. because for whatever reason you just can't let go. maybe its because you made a promise to someone, maybe because your all someone has left.

for me its someone. not just one but many. i cant go because people need a nice girl to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. you never know what one person has going on inside their head. all you can do is be nice to everyone because that one word could change someones life, that one push could ruin everything.

we are all human no one wants to show how sad there are or how much they need someones help.

I wish you took all our memories with you when you left
   With the feelings
      And the messages
        Even the thoughts

I would've rather they left when you did so I wouldn't miss you as much as I do right now

The thing about quarantine
Is that it never seems to hold a time value

A nap on Tuesday at 4 pm
Can be a nap on a Friday at 2 pm

You see under quarantine
you are never truely sure

The day or time
     Much like a trap

It's hard
Hard to see past the lies you told me that are still stuck in my head even when your fake presents of the "love" you had for me has left.

Part of me hopes it would have died by now

But it hasn't.

I remember when you fell asleep on my lap and how we used to be before you moved on to someone new
   Better
       Pretty
           Fun for you

It's okay though,
I shouldn't have been so close to someone I knew could break my heart

Pressing a brush of silver agansit a blank canvas with red paint

The red paint runs down like water onto the floor

Screams cry, sirens play, while I’m still laughing with no sense of pain

~M.Z

Why do I have to see such a monster look back at me with small ugly eyes and dark brown hair

Why do I have to see such an ugly monster looking back at me with a fat head and big thighs

Why oh why do I see such a monster looking back at me

~M.Z

two words that make my heart shatter
but also the words that still make my heart flutter
even though i know that we ant be like that anymore.

the simplest words that bring back all of your plays
and our inside jokes with all of the laughs we shared
its funny how something so simple can mean so much

the poems run deep just like the sadness
i wait for the time to come when it fades
when the poems are no loner deep or lonely
but sweet and full of honey words.

i want to let go drop this
forget poems, maybe the world and how it spins to.

but i hold on even if i get lost,
one day my poems will be full of heart again

one day the sun will rise up and ill write about how beautiful the sky is and how the birds chirping on the way t school are lovely and sing a different tune.

one day ill wake up from this nightmare,
one day things will be better



one day i will be myself again

so funny how I'm losing hair losing the weight I worked so hard to keep or how I can relapse after so long being clean, how all I want to be is not sober. fell so behind in school its really hard to say if I can pull it off this time.

cant imagine how hard it would be to not have music playing over everything, my favorite not so favorite song is "all I can see" on top of "whipski".

I want to stop and sit and let myself be cold, but stopping means I might just slip up

I guess its the fast life or no life. helping everyone is nice till you get into this spot.