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Apr 29 · 19
slow down or something
so funny how I'm losing hair losing the weight I worked so hard to keep or how I can relapse after so long being clean, how all I want to be is not sober. fell so behind in school its really hard to say if I can pull it off this time.

cant imagine how hard it would be to not have music playing over everything, my favorite not so favorite song is "all I can see" on top of "whipski".

I want to stop and sit and let myself be cold, but stopping means I might just slip up

I guess its the fast life or no life. helping everyone is nice till you get into this spot.
Feb 25 · 32
short cake
two words that make my heart shatter
but also the words that still make my heart flutter
even though i know that we ant be like that anymore.

the simplest words that bring back all of your plays
and our inside jokes with all of the laughs we shared
its funny how something so simple can mean so much
Feb 25 · 14
i'll show you one day
when we are old

with wrinkles craved into our smile lines like we never stopped smiling and laughing when we were together, when our hands are cold and move like rusty doors on a broken down car, after our high school reunion where everyone knows your name because of all your art work or the movies you stared in.

i hope one day i'll show you how much you mean to me, maybe i will write them down on coffee stained paper, keep them in a box with a cute red bow your favorite colour.

but that day may never come, till then i will wait.

just like i told you i would, for the day to show you the stars and the moon that you have given me, that i have kept.
i really miss you.. i hope to share these with you soon
Feb 14 · 80
draft (unnamed)
its so much easier to climb
into bed and pull the blanket up
past the legs that held you up all day
and over your head that's so stubborn
where all your dark shadows live

crawl back into a hole
where you can wrap yourself
in the blanket that weighs to much
to move even the slightest to get out
and walk three steps to the fridge

so the blanket gets bigger
and your body gets smaller
till there is nothing

but a blanket
              
                   for someone else
i've been under the blanket for so long that my body holds only the weight of the blanket i thought to be so safe

there are mistakes but nothing is ever perfect :)
The thing that calms me the most about
                  The virus
Is to see how many people run around lost
                    And scared and stressed
Never sure if or when they could die or get it
  

With anxiety I'm constantly worried
        And stressed
But to watch as the rest of the world
             Break down
There is were I find my calm
Mar 2020 · 806
Quarantine
The thing about quarantine
Is that it never seems to hold a time value

A nap on Tuesday at 4 pm
Can be a nap on a Friday at 2 pm

You see under quarantine
you are never truely sure

The day or time
     Much like a trap
It's been a while..
Aug 2019 · 206
Most nights
I go out

Most nights

They consist of slushes and candy and sweet night time kisses

Most nights it’s dark and I remember to put things back

Not last night

Unlike most nights I forgot

I forgot to pick up and be quite.



Now my most nights will be no nights..

And my sweet kisses will be a wet pillow full of sadness
I messed up forgive me
I'd love to be loved

The thought of someone keeping me smiling or holding hands and the small jokes

I love the thought of being in love

The thought of how things would be or could be

If I wasn't so scared to take a leap of faith than these
                Thoughts
Wouldn't be just
                        Empty actions
The thought of him runs through my veins and the fact of being gone makes me home sick for him if only him and I were closer to something rather then nothing
May 2019 · 224
12 in the morning
I'm awake
Wide awake at 12 in the morning
Ready for my eyes to be heavy with sleep, but instead my eyes are heavy with tears

While my family is sleeping in the bed next to mine

I lay still and empty of life as not to wake them at 12 in the morning, when the world itself is not even up yet
I can't sleep to much on my mind and not enough energy in place to turn down the voices in my head that are keeping me up past time to be sleeping. Have a good night or day depending on where you are and hopefully you get enough sleep❤
Apr 2019 · 797
Can't write
I can't write

The words used to spill out of my head like a waterfall but now I feel like there's a wall

A wall that blocks my brain from putting symbols together to form a word or even a sentence

The sentences on my paper must be invisible I can't see them

I don't know where they went

They meaning the words I used to write or say but now can't even think

I can't write
Apr 2019 · 79
soon
the poems run deep just like the sadness
i wait for the time to come when it fades
when the poems are no loner deep or lonely
but sweet and full of honey words.

i want to let go drop this
forget poems, maybe the world and how it spins to.

but i hold on even if i get lost,
one day my poems will be full of heart again

one day the sun will rise up and ill write about how beautiful the sky is and how the birds chirping on the way t school are lovely and sing a different tune.

one day ill wake up from this nightmare,
one day things will be better



one day i will be myself again
ive been down for a few days waiting for things to turn around and im sure this is when that time is

love everyone on here stay true to yourself<3
Apr 2019 · 87
Something new
It's hard
Hard to see past the lies you told me that are still stuck in my head even when your fake presents of the "love" you had for me has left.

Part of me hopes it would have died by now

But it hasn't.

I remember when you fell asleep on my lap and how we used to be before you moved on to someone new
   Better
       Pretty
           Fun for you

It's okay though,
I shouldn't have been so close to someone I knew could break my heart
Feb 2019 · 341
People on the street
People on the streets say pretty
   Cute
         Lovely

But the people on the streets are not friends

So when I say lonely
    Gross
       Falling apart
    
They don't understand because they are just

  
           People on the street
Jan 2019 · 205
Where did i go wrong
It's hard to say when it went wrong
  Exactly when the sun hit the trees,
    When the moon became my best friend?

Where did I stray so far from the "right" why of life
Dec 2018 · 677
Essays
Words
Can't find the right ones
Essays
  Can't seem to write them selfs
Stress
   Bubbles over the will to work
Rain
   Smoothing out the ruff edges
Finished
   The next day is free to write what
Writes
        
  

                                     It




Self
Practice for essays today and tomorrow and I'm almost done even tho I wasted my class time
Dec 2018 · 119
When you left
I wish you took all our memories with you when you left
   With the feelings
      And the messages
        Even the thoughts

I would've rather they lefts when you did so I wouldn't miss you as much as I do right now
I miss you so much
Dec 2018 · 126
this is it
its over. schools back and the soul I once thought no one could never break caved in with the weight of someone i thought never meant to hurt me

is it bad the little cracks in my heart and the empty feeling in my tummy keep growing

the scars on my wrists grow darker because the cat my lack of A's in the report card bring peering eyes and worry

the crushed soul has left and the sad eyes to leaving me with this shell people would once have said was beautiful

the beauty should come back but its been forever and the broken child hasn't left since she first came to visit  

           that's it the once smiley hopeful child


                                        gave up her everything
Dec 2018 · 358
i wanna stop
I wanna stop
stop smoking
   stop the cutting
     and at some point

stop existing
Sep 2018 · 132
Zombie in a ghost town
It's all so
  Easy

Ghosts flouting pass
   Simple

ghosts are friends with ghost
    Zombie

A zombie in a ghost town
    Lonely
I am a zombie living in a ghost town
Sep 2018 · 242
Scrambled words
The scrambled letters
Always spell what I want

Jsjajsgvdcutkjnhk

Even if no one sees

Kajhdbdldepressionkmadjqf

It's there in my head in my soul

Kakebkfoaldiekajshd

Always what I should do

Qljwcutkwjddepressedjakdie

Never leaves me alone


YOUNG TEEN COMMITS SUICIDE

The scrambled letters are gone

And so am I
Every single day I see it I feel it drives me mad j just want to all to stop
Aug 2018 · 113
Cold
Cold
Hitting my bones
Hiding in my warm many layers
Shaking my small fleshy skeleton freezing my toes to the top of my nose
So skinny and so cold
Jul 2018 · 211
Time of year
It's that time again, time for the leafs to turn red/orange/brown-ish

To pull out those nice cozy bagy sweaters on and the socks that keep your toes toasty

Pull out your big fluffy blankets and your favorite hot chocolate mug with your new book

It's that time of year were the leaves start to change and the cold sets in are you ready
The colds setting in already but im still not ready
Jul 2018 · 127
Vent
isn't it funny that no matter how much pain you can be in you can't seem to let go? even if you feel like dying you can't. because for whatever reason you just can't let go. maybe its because you made a promise to someone, maybe because your all someone has left.

for me its someone. not just one but many. i cant go because people need a nice girl to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. you never know what one person has going on inside their head. all you can do is be nice to everyone because that one word could change someones life, that one push could ruin everything.

we are all human no one wants to show how sad there are or how much they need someones help.
to all the people who need help im here for you i know ** hard it can be but your never alone
Jul 2018 · 172
Return Policey
a pink pretty person
sweet and kind, do what you wish
nods, doesn't fight back
smiles like an angel
does as told, has little to no opinion
that's what you wanted

a rebel with cold eyes
quite and shy, do what she wants
straight faced, fights for freedom
hardly smiles, likes what others don't
speaks her mind, own opinion to top it
that's what you got

the store you got me from doesn't do returns
I know that people wish for something else but that's just not always how life works its self out
Jul 2018 · 230
RIP
RIP
I wanted to talk about it to cry with every other hurt kid out there
I could have screamed and cried till my eyes turned blood red
I wish that it didn't happen or there was a support group for it

I didn't talk about it or cry like every one else
I couldn't scream my voice was no longer existent
I didn't need a support group or to sob over what was once here

I got high to feel okay with it
I smoked just like he once did
I missed what was once
   my bus driver and best friend
RIP to my mazing bus driver. he passed away and i miss him so much. he was so nice and sweet. he'll be missed very much and i hope hes in a better place. he used to smoke and now Ive taken up that habit because its the only thing i have of him
Jul 2018 · 120
Words
my breath is slow
my checks are cold
the world is still
the earth is calm
your kisses are sweet
your voice is missed
words are scrambled
words fall in to place
my tears fall like rain
my mind goes black
the world rewinds
the earth spins again
your hand on mine
your soft lips that fit by mine
words make sense now
words that can be spoken
my mind says love
my heart says love
I'm running out to of poems to write, my inspiration  is gone.
Jun 2018 · 551
Counting
I started counting
counting my calories
the numbers between my thighs
how many times I lied about being "fine"
I cant stop counting
I'm counting down
Ill stop counting when i hit

Zero
Jun 2018 · 331
Sun And Moon
He's her moon, up all night making sure she always has a safe space
She's his sun, up all day just to make sure he stays
for just one
more
day
Jun 2018 · 188
I Miss
oh how I miss the words you'd whisper softly in my ear
the way your heart beat on your rib cage

oh how I miss the sound of your small voice
smaller then a mouse that only a bear could hear

oh how I miss the I love you
the sweet kisses you gave
i miss my lover
Jun 2018 · 216
Wintergirls
"we held hands when we walked down the ginger-bread path into the forest, blood dripping from our fingers. we danced with witches and kissed monsters. we turned our self into winter-girls"

-Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson
Ive read this book over and over I honestly love it
Jun 2018 · 157
Drugs
people tell you not to do drugs because you'll get addicted and wont be able to stop
they say this about crack or ******* and more drugs, they say dont smoke as it will wreak your body

so what about love?

loves addicting, it makes you crave it more and more,
it can wreak you
they tell you about all of the other drugs in the messed up world but what about love, love is one of the worst drugs, no one really sees that love is the biggest killer out there

~K.C
my friend said  something like this and i thought it made a chill poem
Jun 2018 · 174
Sunshine
rain slows till its no more
sun shines down and birds start to sing
the kids come out to play in what is left
of the beautiful sadness

~K.C
Sometime After Crying You Start To Feel Better Just Like After A Storm
Jun 2018 · 86
Painting with silver
Pressing a brush of silver agansit a blank canvas with red paint

The red paint runs down like water onto the floor

Screams cry, sirens play, while I’m still laughing with no sense of pain

~M.Z
Jun 2018 · 84
Mirror
Why do I have to see such a monster look back at me with small ugly eyes and dark brown hair

Why do I have to see such an ugly monster looking back at me with a fat head and big thighs

Why oh why do I see such a monster looking back at me

~M.Z
Jun 2018 · 33
You Say..
you say "**** what the world thinks" as you try to reach its expectation of beauty, you strive for acceptation even if you have to be less then 10 pounds to get it

or that you "don't care what people think of you"
but you try so hard to make everyone like you even if it means that you are not really you

isn't it strange how we say one thing and do the opposite
Jun 2018 · 89
Untitled
rain drops down my blue umbrella dropping to the gray pavement the sun hides beneath the blanketing clouds
Jun 2018 · 55
Untitled
Once there was a little girl
full of hope and love
skipping, smiling

oh silly little girl
seeing bruises and hate
seeing reality, the way the world was
oh little don't cry this is how the world works
Jun 2018 · 141
Brown Eye's
you had the prettiest brown eyes I have ever seen,
yet they have cried more tears then could have existed,
I love your brown eyes that can see past my walls
your beautiful brown eyes are like the stars
your brown eyes light up my life
My Love Of My Life Has Beautiful Brown Eyes That Light Up My Life In The Darkest Hours
Jun 2018 · 539
love poem
a poets love can be written but not seen,
their heart poured on the page for you to read,
heart break could last for days, poems upon poems,
their empty souls tears laying on the pages you see,
hearts have so much pain to much to take, till its to late,
their guns are loaded and the pain is almost over,
heart to heart, its all over
Jun 2018 · 222
Untitled
you hated me
you hated that I smoked
you hated that I could not sit still
you hated that I have scars
you hated
me

I loved you
the way you smiled
the way could stay calm
the way you laughed
I loved
you

now I hate you
because you left me
but I still really
love you
i loved someone once and they left now i hate them because i still really love them
Jun 2018 · 117
Welcome To Society
welcome to society
where the kids cry rivers and the adults are to stressed to go work
where the sun shines daily but never in their hearts
where the kids load guns and the adults tie nooses
where society cry's for the ones they've killed
welcome to society
Jun 2018 · 32
Human
press it against my skin
count my calories
forget to sleep

head down
as i drown
in what was
once a real
human
Jun 2018 · 252
Expectations
you asked me not to smoke
i asked you to stay
you wanted someone else
i wanted you
you pressed your lips on someone else
i pressed a cigarette to mine
both forgetting what was expected
Jun 2018 · 274
Cigarette
smoke in my lungs
cigarette pressed to my lips
memories of you
start to fade away
as I smoke my cigarette

— The End —