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Shea Feb 2019
Poetry does not have to be beautiful.
Your poetry is yours and yours alone.
It doesn't have to rhyme or
Make someone happy,
Cause not all poetry is happy.
And not all poetry is about something
So simple
That a rhyme could do justice.
Shea Apr 2019
There's a few ways of living
I don't like to live
This
Way
If living like this means
Laying on the couch
Pitying myself
For all of my problems
Then I don't wanna live
This
Way
I've got a drink in my hand
And whiskey in a bottle
Tiring myself
I'm too tired to swallow
If whiskey is my pride
Then I swig the whole bottle
Tastes so good but I'm
Too tired to swallow
I don't wanna live
This
Way
Well like they say
You need to change yourself
I want to live
That
Way
Shea Nov 2018
My mind is filled with scraps of poetry
The words he owes to me
I will never get back
The fact I failed to submit
Shows I'm only bones
And the range of the water
I have been given
Has out lived the living
But the waves of the yesterdays
Like blue days of a dream
The scheme of things have played out
My food for thought
Was laid out
On the couch where we said
Monsters hide at night in bed
And tell you to give up the dream
Of winning faith and dying clean
And if the thing of things must be
The living clean
The way I live
Or never have lived
Could not hold up the way of the shiv
And if the living hope to live
Or love or all
Then washing over once was dry
Will flood the eyes of beggars choicey
Shea Nov 2018
One year ago exactly,
In the moment I relapsed faster
Than how fast I was running from myself.

It had been about a year too
Before I closed the door on
Hoping to have grown.

I was sent away
And blamed for that.
They said "You said the right things
And did this on purpose"
Well I can't say I did that,
But I can say I finally opened up
And asked for help
And this is what I got for that.

Now everytime I smell
The smell of tide detergent
And see that color green
On the meridian scrubs
I flinch and stop breathing.

I wish I never opened up,
I wish I never asked for help
Cause now the shackles on my brain are getting heavier in that section.

But it showed me a new perspective,
Didn't get the help I was wishing for
But I grew older, wiser, and nicer.
Now I'm a fighter for the kids like me
So I guess I have grown a little.
Shea Jan 2019
I need to be locked up,
The noises cost too much.
I get angry,
I wanna punch.
I feel bad.
I need to be locked up.
Shea Jan 2019
I'm like mold,
Growing and infecting
Everything in my path.
Feed on the dying,
**** off the living.
I'm not a good person,
It's not that hard to see.

I'm like mold,
Growing and infecting
Everything in my path,
And when they find me out,
Like an apple picked too late,
I'm afraid they'll look down,
And throw me in the trash.
Shea Oct 2018
She left with no hesitation
The mesmerising fact of new life
Took her fancy.
March 21st, my birthday
The last day I saw you here
I had this fear
Some time before it happened.
Now I sit alone on the steps
With a stepmother
Hoping one day you receive help
Or come back
Because what I cry about at night
Is that you are not here
And I do not have a mother
To comfort me
The abuse I receive from others
Hurts too much to consider them
A mother.
I miss you, yet I know you're not Coming back.
I miss having a friend,
I miss having someone proud of me
I miss back rubs and good luck.
Though my whole life you've hurt me,
Like an only friend,
I want you in my life again.
Shea Nov 2018
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Shea Aug 2023
I wanted to know what made you tick
The ins the outs
The corners of your personality
I wanted to know everything about you
And love it
And you left when you found out
What I looked like naked
Shea Nov 2018
I have a problem, you see.
I own objects like blankets
I cannot sleep without,
Headphones 4 inches thick
To cancel the noises that
Wake up every nerve in my body
That make me shake and bite my nails

I own stubs for fingers
With cuts and chewed skin.
They run across my forehead
To stop the thoughts from occurring.

I count,
Correct the other side
When someone touches my skin.
I make sure every first letter
In the next line of poetry
Is capitalized,
Cause that's a rule.

I agonize over small things
Because as a kid,
No one helped me.
I was too nervous to play in the hose
Or turn on the shower
Because my family would drown.
The ritual began even then.

At 6 I could not play baseball
Because in the outfield
I would tic and make my nose bleed.

I can't even breathe without
Bothering this disease.
One lung does not fill up like the other,
And I get dizzy.

I have a scar on my forehead
From completing this ritual for years.
I fear
And feel.
Why do I fall victim to this disease?
God, I would pray but my hands can hardly
Touch each other without the horrible feeling.
Shea Oct 2021
On my day,
Play the fiddle as I’m lowered.
Watch the sun go down, but not in anger.
Watch the moon rise,
As she collects a new night to watch unfold.
Walk away with straight backs and high chins,
And don’t come back til you’ve had your rest.

When I die do not blame your crafting hands
As they couldn’t do what you wanted.
Nothing will stop my judgement day.
When I die, keep that head high,
As my memory is lowered,
Into a place in your heart.
There is no time to weep.
So when you hear that fiddle,
Grant me this one wish.
Shea Feb 2019
You thought I was a bird,
But I am just a paper bag.
Shea Mar 2019
Yes but you are merely
A glass of water to an ocean
That's already full
And doesn't need your help
And I am the carrier of viruses
And mindfulness
That spread like a rumor
In a schoolgirl clique
These voices growing louder
As I give in to them
And create new characters that
Tell me just to do it
Like CB
They tell me
In my head
Just do it
And I shiver and growl
Cause once you go insane
There is no coming down
I'm about to break and two people are fighting over my body
Shea Sep 2022
And every shade of purple
I placed for you
I replace with blue

I didn’t know how well I memorized
Every inch of your skin
Until i didn’t have you

I cannot sleep
I simply have no time
My brain is reserved
For missing you
Shea Jul 2020
True art comes from the pigsty of your mind
Shea Dec 2018
I know that I'll lose myself again,
And I won't try to win.
Shea Nov 2018
You hold the key to your own shackles.
Shea Jan 2019
The pain of a death lasts another lifetime.
Shea Dec 2018
We hate the pills the we're prescribed,
But love the ones that get us high.
Shea May 2019
Does the sun shine after the rain?
Shea Apr 2019
I lay on you, and breathe in the smell
Of your hair, feel the small vibrations
Of your laugh resonating the soft felt pews.
I tell myself I will remember this forever,
So when I miss you, I can still feel you.
The mood grows serious,
The vibrations of your voice shrink down
To a whisper, and crumble
Like rocks beneath a hammer.
"When I die," you say,
Fleeing every so called good feeling felt
Away from this place.
"You're going to get bear,
But I can't tell you what you're getting yet."
She tells us.
Me.
Him.
The only ones here who know.
You told me yesterday, yes you did.
I smiled, I cried, I cussed at God,
I cried again, I bargained,
But I still did not accept.
I smiled and told you it would be okay.
But I think I know deep down inside
That you know deep inside
It might not be okay.
It came back. It's here, in this room,
Inside you.
And I keep making up scenarios where
Someone has asked me
"Would you do this thing if it meant she lived?"
And I always say yes no matter how
****** up the action may be.
Maybe this is the bargaining.
You're not dead yet, but ****
It feels like it.
It will be years.
I'm sure of it.
But I'm just so scared, babe.
I'm so scared.
No one so young should be labeled
With an expiration date,
A summarization of how long their life
Will be.
No one.
RUN
Shea Nov 2018
RUN
I tap on my forehead
The middle is where it starts
I tap on the floorboards
Therefore my mind leaks
Through the floorboards.
Comatose
Most know the idea
By most I mean me
You see, no one knows
That all I touch breaks.
Shea Jan 2019
"Living life like
Russian roulette with an automatic."

You're gonna leave,
I hate you for that,
But I love you for it too.
I'm gonna miss you,
God..I'll miss you so much.

Until then,
And most likely after,
I'll live life
Like I'm spinning a cylinder
With the Reaper.
Shea Jan 2021
I open myself
Beware of silver tongues
The devil places
People in your life
Just as the Angels do

She took a part of me
She knew exactly what she was doing
With my soul
And I, young
Not jaded enough
Fell into the well
I fell into being used
But you didn't get much, huh?

She wasted her time
With someone who presented
Such a simple mind
But if she couldn't dig deep and find
The person I've been trained to hide
She wasn't worth my time
Then why can't I get this demon
From my head?

I've tried
Yet the memories
My brain rings embarrassing
Replay to me at night
Did I truly think I had a chance?
With 100 pounds of nonsense?
Sure, I tried
Forget that waste of time
In time,
I'll forget that waste of time
Shea Nov 2018
Heartbreak is Daily
cause I am the king of emotion.

You are the light,
the enigma in my eyes.
Shea Jun 2019
A family friend recently
Gave me a Pillow
That I thought was so comfy.
She said "Please get this **** thing
Off my couch."
And I proudly accepted.
I brought it home, cuddled
Put my face to it's round corner
And breathed.
The smell this pillow Gave wasn't too Familiar, no.
It smelled like family movie nights,
Eating at dinner tables.
It smelled like missing a sibling,
But knowing they'll be home when you get there.
It smelled like affection from a tired mother, And falling asleep on her chest.
The smell, not so familiar
Sent me chills
Because the round corners smelled like Everything I crave.
The soft, tender touch of a hand,
And knowing it's not of judging intent.
The smells upon this pillow
Reminding me that
I don't have a way to satisfy my
Craving.
I am currently cuddling a shirt of someone's I love. I am very sad.
Shea Sep 2020
Familiar sights,
I'm covered in bites
and the ants crawl
and the night falls.
Spring comes,
lights aspire
King's set fire
October, the time of falling
Time has no meaning, it is tainted
and our lives are painted.
Wrote this in 2016. One of my favorites/most memorable.
Shea May 26
Familiar sights, I'm covered in bites
and the ants crawl
and the night falls.
Spring comes, lights aspire
King set fires
October, the time of falling
Time has no meaning, it is tainted
and our lives are truly painted.
A rewrite of my favorite poem written in 2016
Shea Jan 2022
You’ve got flames on your fingertips,
Water in your tongue.
You light me on fire, and put me out, love.

I fall deeper and deeper,
Hypnosis and trust.
You are love
You are patient
You are kind
You are sweet  
Releasing heat into my life
And calmness in my seas.
My breathing becomes slower,
And I’ve been on my knees.
For you hold this power over me,
Emotionally.
And it’s fine.
You are the beauty that God created
And ignoring or denying the holiness
Up above
And the saint he created
Would be nothing but ignorance.
Every inch of you is something to love
And I pray everyday that you stay.

Stay.

I feel like I’ve been waiting forever,
My soul is old.
This brief eternity hasn’t showed me half of what it has for me
But I know that in this time
I’ve been shown what love is by you.
Shea May 2019
I want to,
But I won't.
I need a
Little smoke
But I won't
Cause gettin' it
Means getting up
And once I'm up
My world just flips
Right back down
As I fall too
Into a thousand curtains
Hiding me from what
I want to see
A window where
It's warm outside
But pressing my cheek against
The fabric seems to be enough
I've got to run
But I walk
And the talk of something new
Brings hope for something worse
And confidential lullabies
Sing me to sleep tonight
I'll call you on the phone and say
"I'm good, what about you?"
And you'll say "Good"
And we'll talk for hours repeating same lines
And avoiding the part where you tell me
You are driving to clear your mind
Cause bruises stay sore
And you never tell me anything anymore
Shea Sep 2021
I wanted you
To love
To care for
To show you
How it felt.
I wanted to feel it with you.
And as I stare at everyone else,
I remember you.
Spent too much time figuring out
What I did wrong,
I forgot to move on.
Shea Dec 2022
Your kindness was for a reason,
So when they leave, don’t regret
How many times you said “I love you”
How you gave em all of you
How you know you must have made them feel
They needed it as much as you

I don’t need to know why,
I’ll find better love
Stronger than it ever was
Shea Jun 2021
I laid in bed all day
I can't be here any longer
I wake up just to stare
At my face for a minute in the mirror

I'm travelling 'cross
The miles stretched across my face
And the marathon my fingers run
Across my expanding body

And in my dreams while i'm awake
I see this brown haired girl
Even though there is no face
I know that she is beauty and grace
And while i drive
I hold the hand
Of someone who does not exist
And taste the smell
Of somebody who only lives inside
The cracks of my brain

And maybe she is me
Cause i'm the only one
So far that could love myself
As much as I deserve
And I deserve more
Shea Nov 2018
I feel the shadows
running in to greet me
I feel me, my skin and bones
And growing old
I wonder
If this was ever real
I ponder
On why I was ever here
So tell me, will you play my game?
Cause I'm often sure that what I play
Is result of a dissociated state
Shea Mar 2019
The 5 stages of grief and loss are:
1. Denial and isolation;
2. Anger;
3. Bargaining;
4. Depression;
5. Acceptance.

I lay on you, and breathe in the smell
Of your hair, feel the small vibrations
Of your laugh resonating the soft felt pews.
I tell myself I will remember this forever,
So when I miss you, I can still feel you.
The mood grows serious,
The vibrations of your voice shrink down
To a whisper, and crumble
Like rocks beneath a hammer.
"When I die," you say,
Fleeing every so called good feeling felt
Away from this place.
"You're going to get bear,
But I can't tell you what you're getting yet."
She tells us.
Me.
Him.
The only ones here who know.
You told me yesterday, yes you did.
I smiled, I cried, I cussed at God,
I cried again, I bargained,
But I still did not accept.
I smiled and told you it would be okay.
But I think I know deep down inside
That you know deep inside
It might not be okay.
It came back. It's here, in this room,
Inside you.
And I keep making up scenarios where
Someone has asked me
"Would you do this thing if it meant she lived?"
And I always say yes no matter how
****** up the action may be.
Maybe this is the bargaining.
You're not dead yet, but ****
It feels like it.
It will be years.
I'm sure of it.
But I'm just so scared, babe.
I'm so scared.
No one so young should be labeled
With an experation date,
A summarization of how long their life
Will be.
No one.
Shea Apr 2019
Have you got something in your teeth?
A phrase you've just got to say?
Your tongue is too fast for the cat.
And alas, you arise with
What was meant to be a kiss
But turned to be a bite
And choked the cat faster
Than the fact that
The cat is meant to hold you back.
But no, you prefer the sting,
The bite, and the burn.
Shea Sep 2020
A questionable cause,
conformed in my mind
Poisoned solutions
And pollution behind my eyes
Behind those eyes
I used to know
What I was like

A scratch to see what's underneath
A familiar smell
Of bleak recollections

Wish life repeated level headed

The devil's armada
Subliminal poison
Shea Apr 2019
And as the room begins to brighten
I'm enlightened by a soft touch
of bones easily dislocatable
And sensitive to touch
And even though those bones slip
From their holes
The floor holds them before me
So delicate and worn
I've sworn that I'll swallow my disease
Digest it, spit it up before you have
To see it acting up
But today was different
You watched my ears close and head shake
With blood down my nose
Sweat on my clothes
From holding it back.
I'm sorry you had to see it
See it act up.
Shea Mar 2019
This vacancy did not belong
Where my soul gives a gentle coercion
But this vacancy never belonged,
the child is gone.
There was never room for the youth
And the brick on my head never held me down, it grew with me, but kept me down
And the shadows from the past echo
to the future
Where the child does not belong
Where the child should have been gone
There is a different person living in every mood change
Now i see myself something different
No longer stifled by good compulsion.
But you don't know what that means
And neither do the others
Rise with their mothers who define the gifts of talents
When mine gave the gift of illness
and tough love I have yet to accept
So the child grew where she did not belong in a vacancy already taken
Shea Aug 2021
The waves of these oceans
Crash upon my drowning body.
Seeing patterns in the sun,
Slowly slipping from the reality
I've been placed in.

As water fills my lungs, I dig for open land
But water fills my open hands,
And I know what to expect.

Let's dissect this thought process.
I understand now that my slowly slipping mind will leave me drowning in the fear
Of peers fearing for me.
I'll begin to Forget things they said,
And things I love as this insanity consumes me.
Shea Nov 2018
The poets job is to think too much
To over-analyze the situations
They are in
Or exaggerate the way they felt
For someone to understand.

The poets job is to use words
As a form of catharsis
So far this way has left
nothing but pain

The poets job is to convey
A world inside their mind
With the words
And leave no emotion behind
To reminisce on things
They hardly remember
Cause they feel too much
For a past
They hardly lived

Or maybe it's just me
That feels this way
But the job we share
Is to entertain
Or strike a thought
To take our lives
And put it into words
On a paper
Because without it
We could not do our job
And our job is to feel
Shea May 2020
I woke up with a craving, but staying inside
Will save me from the world.
My tired eyes itch like a sweater,
I give up in a curl, and enjoy the colder weather.
Work the nerve to get up, it’s brave.
In my cave, I’d rather stay.
My feet touch the ground,
My ears are delighted by the sound
Of those ready to greet me, it’s me.
Staring steady in the mirror,
Observing the inches that have tightly stretched
Into a larger face.
I’ve shed this skin twice, the third will be the charm!
Wash my hands, cook, wash my hands, clean, wash my hands
Run them through my hair, wash, do, wash, fix, wash, wash, stop.
And the days roll by like numbers.
Shea Dec 2018
The real reason I don't want to grow up?
Yes, the bills, the responsibility.
But the fear, the fear of turning out just like
Everyone else did.

They tell me
"Don't grow old."
They say
"I'd rather **** myself than live this way, I did everything wrong."
Well I hear that.
I don't want to grow old because
I don't want to live like that anymore.

I've grown this obsession with doing
Everything the exact opposite than
What they did
So I don't go down their way.

It hurts,
When family holds you,
Looks you in your eyes,
And tells you they want to die.
And nothing I could do
Could suffice that pain
Or price
Shea Feb 2019
Lay your hands
Upon my chest
So I
Can finally be healed
Of all my sins
And endeavors I've
Faced so long
And I
Give up my life
I still want to die
Even after you showed me to fly
Eye for an eye
Taste for a taste
And **** for a ****
Leave me alone
I lay on the levy of a bank
Concrete death snd stricken of faith
The metal will caress my skin tonight
As I
Pray for one last change

Time can alter your eyes
And blind the blind
Behind your eyes
The feeling of being cynical
Jaded, faded, haven't felt sober in a year
Even though she never did
Any drugs
Watch yourself live
Your own life
Baptize and color blind
Never live
Once will die,
I will I will I will
Feel the same again
There is no cure
Except for you
And you left us years ago
When we killed your son
Shunned you like
A runaway
I want to run away
Want you to go away
These days
Shea Nov 2018
Is it just me or
Do we see the Devil in our dreams
And think for a moment
What it'd be like under his wing,
Or it may be a stretch but
Do we ever just a look a little
For his touch cause sanity ain't enough.
Anyone else find comfort in pain
But really want to change?
But deep down inside
The pain is a part of your brain
Is the mess you made
And you're too lazy
As they say to clean it up?
Or are you so desperate to
Believe in something that
You create your own temptations
With a demon you have made
And ...

****.
Shea Jan 2021
If my trust in you was a form of art, surely my mistake was my masterpiece

Two organisms without Eyes
blindly react to each touch
Each payment does not add to much

how did you see me through stained glass?
and I'm guilty of hiding
but was I hiding?
Or were you denying my pure intention?

Would one consider that lesson,
Or did I misjudge you for someone with pure intention?
Shea Mar 2019
Tomorrow is my birthday,
The eve of spring is upon us.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and
I'm still ignored by friends
Wishing that a friend
Would at least
Say "Happy Birthday."
I don't think my wish will come true.
My mouth acted faster than my head
And I screamed before
I could know what I done
And you just stood there,
Making fun.
You never took the time to understand why
Well, neither did my parents so
Who ******* cares?
I'm sorry
I'll **** it up
And fake nice
If it means my birthday
Won't be so bad
Shea Jan 2019
Like a moth
I'm drawn to the flame
Where I keep getting burned
I'm hurting in my soul.

My fingers are cut
My voice is weak
If there's anything left,
It was gone last week
Shea Mar 2019
If I don't end my life,
I know you'll die before me.
I love you.
I wish the tumor would shrink
Or dehydrate.
I wish it wouldn't grow
So that you could grow instead
I wish that I could take it all away from you
Maybe put it in a jar
And tuck it away so far
That no one would have to see.
I wish I could eat it,
Throw it, **** it, slaughter it,
Whatever it took to get it out your brain
And into mine
Or out of existence so that
You, and angel to this nasty world
Could live, survive, and breathe without pain
At least for a day.
You did nothing, love.
You did nothing to deserve it.
So even I question my faith
When I ask the Lord why the hell
He let this happen to his own.
Shea Jan 2019
Everytime something happy happens,
I find myself worrying about
What might happen next.

For example, twas an early day,
Writing ******* poetry with words like "Twas" "Was" "is" or "as"
Things seemed to be deemed good
For at least a week or two.

Low and behold,
The wound.
The inevitable part of life that Happens when everything
Is goin' good.

So twas' the night before the wound,
A jaded child lay
Unaware of the doom.
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