Trust is a tricky thing.

One person in your life can shake the ground you walk on forever without a second thought.

Your own anxieties bring insecurities that make you lose trust in people. It's not always their fault, but when those sneaking feelings end up being true, ******* it takes so much to come back from that.

Distrust and uncertainty seep into everything moving forward. You can't help but compare and see similarities. ***** the glaring and incredible differences, you will still find ways to not trust him. It's not fair to him, but you feel jaded like it doesn't matter anyway. Continue building those walls and slamming more bricks up there each and every time you have a concern, warranted or not.

You'll push everyone away because you will never be able to let go of those parts of yourself.



-t.s.

This desire for connection is insatiable
Because the connections I choose
To wrap my greedy hands around
Are as bad off as me
And if I can't love myself,
How am I to love someone just like me?

Warm weather
Come together
Larvae grows in the water that collects
Underneath the house
I'm using you to,
Hate myself.
I feel like you might love me
If I choke on what you have to offer

I laid in bed all day
I can't be here any longer
I wake up just to stare
At my face for a minute in the mirror

I'm travelling 'cross
The miles stretched across my face
And the marathon my fingers run
Across my expanding body

And in my dreams while i'm awake
I see this brown haired girl
Even though there is no face
I know that she is beauty and grace
And while i drive
I hold the hand
Of someone who does not exist
And taste the smell
Of somebody who only lives inside
The cracks of my brain

And maybe she is me
Cause i'm the only one
So far that could love myself
As much as I deserve
And I deserve more

Pretty girl
You're afraid, you child
You're gaining weight upon those shoulders
Shoulders used to be bone
Grown muscle
And your heart lost its size

You're no longer small,
Though you feel it.
You miss it.

But your talons
Were ready to strike for years,
Now it's time to spread your wings.

If my trust in you was a form of art, surely my mistake was my masterpiece

Two organisms without Eyes
blindly react to each touch
Each payment does not add to much

how did you see me through stained glass?
and I'm guilty of hiding
but was I hiding?
Or were you denying my pure intention?

Would one consider that lesson,
Or did I misjudge you for someone with pure intention?

I open myself
Beware of silver tongues
The devil places
People in your life
Just as the Angels do

She took a part of me
She knew exactly what she was doing
With my soul
And I, young
Not jaded enough
Fell into the well
I fell into being used
But you didn't get much, huh?

She wasted her time
With someone who presented
Such a simple mind
But if she couldn't dig deep and find
The person I've been trained to hide
She wasn't worth my time
Then why can't I get this demon
From my head?

I've tried
Yet the memories
My brain rings embarrassing
Replay to me at night
Did I truly think I had a chance?
With 100 pounds of nonsense?
Sure, I tried
Forget that waste of time
In time,
I'll forget that waste of time

This feeling could be painted
Like the Renaissance

Breathing every breath
As i slowly slip inside the essence
That you give
And I finally know what love is

And at my new job I am the manager-in-training.

In French it is

“Responsable en formation”

Or as I would say,
Responsible information.

However, I was not responsible in gathering my information.

During my interview, I said masseuse.

Turns out that is heavily connotated and maybe even denotated as a *** word.

I asked if it was the French ending

He said, “No, it’s the happy ending”

Maybe French is only **** because of how much is escapes me.

The opposite reason is why death was never **** to me
because of how much I escaped it

Maybe death finds
Me
****

And Anyway I got the job
And a month later my boss gave to me a T-shirt that said
your table is ready

At first,
Instead of a massage table,
I thought it was a stretcher
And I laughed

I wonder what that means

“You could have died” “you almost died” “it’s a miracle you’re still here”

“we’re /glad/ you’re still here”

Are words I often hear from my doctors
who almost always meet with me pro bono because I am poor, but also interesting

Medically

But they are not words I hear from my mother

Those are the words she saves to give to her 90-something mother-in-law

I say 90-something not because I am careless or inattentive, but because my grandmother Adeline lied about her age so often in her youth, that both she and the government forgot her actual age

The words my mother gives to grandma J upset her.

She is tired of living

Asked all of us to pray for her death

Asked my brother in law to be “to help her get to heaven tonight”
Said “I know you can help me get to heaven tonight” presumably because he works for the cook county coroner's office.

He is a man so jaded that he sometimes can only laugh on the job when he sees particularly trite Chicago suicide notes:

To be fair, he’s not cruel
It is usually when it is something
Like
“you either die the hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain”

Anyway, it made him cry when old Addie asked that

and also if you are a prayer person,
please pray for her death,
I can’t bring myself to do it.