Rotten rotten wood is much more black than it is brown.
Ridden of a schooner made of hell and wiccan bells.

Ringing in my shower was fire made of taxes and wet wax.

I  hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hatevv hate hate hate hatevv hate hate hate hatev hate hate hate hatev hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hatev hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me

i know that hate never helps
it never helped anyone
only makes things worse or keeps it the same
doesn't change what happened
can't change the past,
saying this is meaningless.
but after all you did to me,
i think i have the right to say this:

i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you.

okay. one more time.
I. HATE. YOU. 😊

I hate the government
I hate how I can’t marry my love
I hate how we get told were wrong
I hate how the world sees us differently

I hate people
I hate how they look at me
I hate how people call me fat and ugly
I hate how they laugh at me

I hate cell phones
I hate how I sent 1 picture to my boyfriend
I hate how he showed it everyone
I hate how they all call me a **** now

I hate cars
I hate how fast they go
I hate how anyone can drive one
I hate how my mom died in one

I hate celebrities
I hate how much money they have
I hate how they complain
I hate how I poor I am

I hate my boyfriend
I hate how he points out all my flaws
I hate how he hits me
I hate how he makes me cry

I hate myself
I hate how ugly I am
I hate how stupid I am
I hate how everyone sees my cuts

I hate love
I hate how she doesn’t talk to me
I hate how she sees right through me
I hate how she doesn’t even know I exist

I hate medicine
I hate how it makes me lose my hair
I hate how if I don’t I could die
I hate how sick I always am

I hate school
I hate how I can’t pass anything
I hate how the teachers always blame me
I hate how I always have detention

I hate my dad
I hate how he drinks all the time
I hate how he beats me
I hate how nobody cares

I hate kids
I hate how they talk all the time
I hate how they laugh at anything
I hate how the only one I had died

I hate life
I hate how nothing ever goes right
I hate how everyone loses
I hate how I ended mine

I hate test
I hate how I have to sit here and wait
I hate how I don’t know yet
I hate how it came back positive

I hate shoes
I hate how they hit the ground when people walk
I hate how everyone looks in them
I hate how I can’t walk

I hate him
I hate how he lies to me
I hate how he cheats on all the time
I hate how I always forgive him

I hate her
I hate how he stares at her
I hate how she talks about him behind his back
I hate how much she doesn’t deserve him

i hate you. i hate your eyes, how they seem so big but get really small when you laugh or smile. i hate your smile, how big it is when you're laughing. i hate your hair(how u spike it once in a great while then just let it grow out and lay flat on your head) i hate your laugh(its different every time) i hate your hands, the fact that you have calluses on them from working out. i hate the way you dress, you used to be skater but now since you're on varsity you dress **** cause you think you're cool. i hate your room, the color of your walls are terrible. i hate the way you walk, with your nose in the air and your little bounce with each step. i hate the way you talk, the tone of your voice. i hate your car, the way it suits you but its so girly. i hate how we met, how cute it was. i hate the story of how we started going out, people think its adorable but all it does now is ruin my day. i hate how you treat me nowadays, how i might as well be an average face in the sea of people, not meaning anything, not even a glance as you walk by and talking to me at least as possible(short and annoyed) i hate how fast you moved on, the day we officially broke up you went over there. how you call her baby and yr one and only. the weird thing about one and only's is that there's only one one and only. I hate that you were so perfect, you treated me like a princess and i didn't appreciate it. I hate how i changed you and how you've changed. I hate that you say you feel a certain way and how you know you act differently. i hate that you tried so hard and acted like nothing was different after we broke up and wen we went on our one year date. i hate that you wrote me that book as a gift and that it was like 16 pages long. i hate that i read it like every single day after we broke up the second time. i hate that you gave me any gifts at all while we were going out. I hate that you wrote the memo book and how we wrote back and forth to each other. i hate that you tried to make everything better when you knew something was completely and utterly wrong when we were in the process of breaking up. i hate the way you used to stare into my eyes and smile, the gaze never seemed to end but i didn't seem to mind, even though i started to blush. i hate the way you used to hold my hand. i hate the way you comforted me when i was upset, how close you held me. i hate how warm you always are and how safe i feel when I'm with you. i hate that you came to my brothers graduation party. i hate that you used to look happy when you saw me and i hate that you never do when you see me now. i hate that you gave us another chance. i hate when you say ill always care about you. i hate when you say that we can just be friends right now. i hate when you say that u don't know what "us" of there is left. i hate that you're throwing the closest bond I've ever had with someone away. i hate that you're so sorry for everything you've done to me but keep making it worse. i hate it when you kiss her, it makes me stomach burn and my heart shrivel up and die. i hate that you probably feel the way towards her that you used to feel towards me. i hate that you love everything i hate about her. i hate when you defend her, as if she's the victim. i hate that you're feeling like this towards her so quickly. i hate how you are with her. you're a completely different person and everyone sees it but you. i don't even recognize your personality anymore.i hate that you don't want anything to do with me. i hate that your parents love me, because i love them and seeing them reminds me of how happy i was when they used to consider me part of the family. i hate being in my house, because there are so many memories within each square inch. i hate all the memories, every single one of them. i hate that they're burned in my mind and they won't go away. i hate all the plans we made for the future together. i hate that i know little facts about you and that i can tell what you're thinking by the look in your eyes or by anything at all. i hate that we were each others first, because now there is apart of me that you will always have. i hate your kiss, how soft it is. i hate that you're terrified to be anything else besides what we were, perfect. but the truth is, nothings ever perfect, people change, but if you truly love someone and want to be with them you adapt because you refuse to lose them. if you can't or refuse to do that, then maybe what we had was never as perfect as we thought it was, or even relatively close. I hate that I'm the only one trying. i hate that you want me to be happy, even if it involves me being with someone else. i hate how easy it is to love you. i hate that no one will ever compare to you, that nothing will ever compare to us. i hate that i will always love you, but what i hate the most is that you ever loved me at all. but weirdly, the only thing i'm able to accept is that you will read this and not even think twice about it or reply.

I hate myself. I hate my mind. I hate my body. I hate the way I speak. I hate my emotions. I hate my physical feelings. I hate my life. I hate my writing. I hate my thoughts. I hate the disjointed voices. I hate the way I walk. I hate the way I move. I hate the wayi eat, if I do at all. I hate the things I read. I hate the taste of my own blood. I hate my cheeks. I hate my teeth. I hate my torn up fingers. I hate my scars. I hate my bruises. I hate my hair. I hate my eyes. I hate my smile. I hate my lips. I hate my nose. I hate my diseases. I hate my depression. I hate my suicide. I hate my ADHD. I hate my anxiety. I hate my rumored schizophrenia. I hate my memories. I hate that people like me. I hate that people love me. I hate that people hate me. I hate being alone, but I hate being social. I hate the things I draw. I hate the things I talk about. I hate the treatment I go to. I hate how I try to help. I hate the things I learn. I hate my pain. I hate my blindness. I hate my voice. I hate my hearing. I hate the bracelet that pinches me. I hate the nise it makes. I hate the way the metal smells. I hate the bile in my throat when I feel guilty or scared. I hate the way I bite the inside of my mouth to bake myself bleed. I hate when I scratch and don't remember. I hate the way I shake when I cry. I hate being comforted. I hate when people talk to me. I hate wanting to go on even though I can't. I hate wanting to end this. End it all.

I hate how I need to change
I hate how I can't change
I hate how I don't know how
I hate how I am
I hate how I'm dependent
I hate how I need other people
I hate how compliments make me feel
I hate how it makes me feel when someone likes me
I hate how I fall for the desperate
I hate how I attract phycos
I hate how I can't be happy unless there's a reason
I hate how I can't be happy all the time
I hate how I hate other people
I hate how I live inside my head
I hate how I can't get out
I hate how I'm scared
I hate how I'm awkward
I hate how I'm not outgoing
I hate how I'm shy
I hate how I'm dumb
I hate how I'm slow
I hate how I'm short
I hate how I'm stubborn
I hate how I'm alone
I hate how people get under my skin
I hate how people never have a reason
I hate how people can't handle the truth
I hate how I can't remember ****
I hate how I get angry
I hate how I cry
I hate how I look
I hate how I act
I hate how I hate
I hate how easily people influence me
I hate how I'm so gullible
I hate how I don't know anything
I hate how I'm not quick on my toes
I hate how I'm lazy
I hate how everything requires money
I hate how I don't have money
I hate how I can't find truth
I hate how I can't make up my mind
I hate how I don't know who I am
I hate how I don't know where I'm meant to be
I hate how I'm so lost
I hate how I feel like a waste of space
I hate how I'm no one
I hate how I fail
I hate how conversation is hard
I hate how I feel
I hate how the only person to help me is me
I hate how I can't be me
Because I hate me
I don't wanna be me
Someone else be me
**** me

.
                              hate
                          ha­te hate
                        hate hate ha
                     hate  hate  hate
                      hate hate hate
                      hate hate hate
                      hate hate hate
                      hate hate hate
                      hate hate hate
                      hate hate hate
                      hate hate hate
                      hate hate hate
                      hate hate hate
                      hate hate hate
                      hate hate hate
         hate hate                 hate hate
     hate hate hate        hate hate hate
        hate hate                  hate hate
            hate.                           hate

I hate the way your eyes used to twinkle
When I finally looked up at you from my books
I wish I had stuck to my plan;
    To pretend like I didn't care about you
I hate the way your hair was so soft
And I hate that stupid scruff,
It used to make me crumble in your hands
I hate the way your lips would quirk up
   on the left side first,
Then slowly on the right
I hate that I know how your lips feel
When they were against mine
or the way that you couldn't stop smiling long enough,
to meet the demands of my own mouth
I hate that I didn't hate that at all

I hate that the way you look at me now,
It isn't at all like the way you looked at me before;
Like I meant something,
like I was something you were determined to discover
And make your own
I hate that when you look at me now,
My face pales and tears immediately spring to my eyes
I hate that I used to have butterflies at the sight of you,
Now, it’s like the butterflies are there,
But they’re dead and make me want to hurl

I hate that when you see me,
Your face,
It’s like I physically punched you
   Again
I’d be lying if I said that I still didn't see the way your eyes get darker,
But it’s not like before, when they were happy
  So happy
Now, they darken with sadness and pity,
I’m sure there’s disappointment mixed in there,
But you and I both know, I run as soon as I see you,
And I’ll never get to see how far the disappointment goes
   Does it make your eyes flame like when you’re mad or make them dull like when you’re sad?

I hate that when you see me in the halls,
You stop
And I hate that I ruin your conversations just with my presence
I hate that you don’t look at me with anger
   Because that would be easy
I hate that I have to force myself to look at you with anger
I hate that you finally listened to me
    For once
You finally believed me when I said that I hated you

I hate the way that your side looks empty without me
I hate that I notice how you’re constantly looking around,
Like you used to for me,
  Because you know I don’t like crowds
I hate that I like to think that you’re looking for me,
And not just looking at your surroundings
I hate how I still order extra fries because you’d eat mine
  And the extras
I hate how you share that stupid smirk,
The one I thought was solely reserved for me,
And I’ll admit,
I miss how it’s not directed at me
And that I never get to hear your smart-*** remarks
   Ones that always left my cheeks red

I hate how your voice carries when you talk,
And how it could put babies to sleep or used for *******,
Depending on your mood
I hate that I have to force myself to walk in the opposite direction
When I hear you talking to someone else
I hate how our persistent bickering doesn't even exist anymore
I hate that my mother still asks about you

I hate how I hate myself when I see you talking to girls
  Talking to her
I hate that I don’t have the right to be jealous anymore
   If I ever did, for that matter

I hate that I’m writing this because I couldn't sleep
Because I kept remember when you’d chase me around your house
Because you wanted to “check my vitals and see if I had suspicious lumps”
I hate that I wrote this because it made me smile
I hate that I chopped off my long hair,
  Because you always told me you loved it
I hate that I left a permanent mark on your perfect face
I hate that you know what I did at my lowest times
I hate that you still check my wrists, even from across the room
I hate that I hit you
I hate how you've moved on,
  but you still look lost

I hate that I’m probably making all of this up in my head;
Imagining that you might not hate me,
Even when I see the way you look at her now
It’s not how I remember you looking at me,
But it’s different,
Because that was me and this is her
I hate that I hate her for being my replacement
   Even though I was never really there to qualify as yours
I hate that I hate so much now
   I used to be Switzerland
      Now I’m more like Idaho
       It’s known for one thing and no one really wants to be there

I get it though,
Why you hate me,
  After all, I told you to
But for some reason,
I can’t make myself forget you
   Because I hate you
I don’t know,
Maybe it was the way you looked, like I'd put the marks on you,
Or maybe it was the way I keep hearing your voice crack in my ear,
           Why did you do this to yourself?
Maybe it was because I woke up shaking
And you were there to hold my hand,
And offer coffee at 4:30 in the morning
It was probably the way a tear rolled down your cheek
And your eyes filled with something that looked like fear and horror

I hate that I keep telling myself all these things to hate about you,
Just to keep myself from banging on your door on nights like these,
And beg for your smile to be turned in my direction,
Just once more
But I can’t do that
Because I can’t promise that my lowest point in life is over
I can’t promise that there won’t be more marks to make you cry
I can’t promise anything
I hate that you didn't get mad at me for hitting you  
    Repeatedly
In my sleep
I hate that you lied and said it was from your brother
I hate that I did that;
   Made you do things that’s not you
     Like lying

Look at me,
I’m writing this,
And it’s the biggest lie I've ever told
I keep writing though,
Trying to put reason behind me pushing you away,
And I guess the reason is that you, not only deserve better,
But you need to be with someone who knows how to love
And doesn't hate hugs
Or someone who likes movies

I can’t take it;
Your eyes not shining
I can’t take that from you,
Because that’s you, and what people love about you
Not just the way your eyes shine,
But what that means
    That— that shine—lets everyone that’s seen it , know that you care
I don't have that,
My eyes have dimmed because of this ****** hand that I was dealt
     And that's okay
      I've accepted it, but I can't trade cards with you anymore

So I will continue to ignore you in the hallways
I will continue to tell myself to hate you
I will continue to tell my heart to stop playing dead,
    because it still works around you
And I will continue to pretend like I don’t know you’re staring at me
Because you should be looking at her
   She’s like you
   Her eyes shine too
     They shine for you

I hate myself for doing things to make you hate me too,
But I can’t love you
  I know she does

Tell your her that I’m sorry,
Because she told me that in the middle of the night,
You reach for her,
But you say my name
Tell her I’m sorry
I unwillingly made her second place
Tell her, that even though I want to rip her perfect hair out,
She’s perfect for someone like you
She's perfect like you

I am not for you
And I'm sorry
The butterflies in my stomach are dead,
and I'm folding
I give up
There's no point in trying to force myself to hate you,
because I don't
I am the polar opposite of hating you
I can't keep playing,
You know my poker face,
And I can't let you see my cards ever again
     Never again
I am not for you
And this card game isn't for me either
     -{ksf}

I hate sleep.
I hate dreaming.
I hate wanting things I shouldn't and I hate the word hate.

I hate sleeping and missing so much that goes on.
I hate dreaming and waking up in the same situation.
I hate wanting to sew my mouth shut and never speak again.

I hate hot summers and I hate damp springs.
I hate being nervous and I hate being unsure.
I hate the color yellow and I hate not crying when I need to.

I hate making decisions.
I hate white walls you can't paint.
I hate being alone and I hate having people know.

I hate that people don't know how great they are.
I hate that I miss my mom, even when she hates me.
I hate walking in the dark and I hate using an umbrella.

I hate hearing people sleep and I hate cold fries.
I hate falling asleep holding a pillow, wishing it was a person.
I hate the sound of chewing and the smell of melted ice-cream.

I hate the color my skin gets when I tan.
I hate not being able to help anyone, ever, at all.
I hate having to act like I know what I'm talking about.

I hate when there are people on my early morning walks.
I hate that my best friend is so much better than me and I don't want her to realize.
I hate how quiet the room gets when I walk in, because, what do you say to that weird kid?

I hate not writing stories and I hate not sharing them.
I hate that I hate so **** much and I hate that I write poetry.
I hate when my head itches and I hate when it doesn't rain for a long time.

I hate losing people.
I hate being left behind.
I hate that I deserve it, all the time.

I hate my inconsistent style and I hate rhyming.
I hate getting my nails painted and I hate wearing makeup.
I hate not being enough for anyone other than me and feeling like I owe them.

I hate being lost in a boring town.
I hate not having internet.
I hate me.

I hate you
I hate the way you laugh
I hate the way your eyes squint when you smile
I hate your long, skeleton-like fingers
I hate your freckles that scatter across your nose and cheeks
I hate your long legs
I hate your body
I hate your messy brown hair
I hate your bruised skin
I hate your knobby knees
I hate the way you laugh
I hate your voice
I hate how you wrinkle your forehead
I hate how you lock your heart away from people
I hate how negative you are
I hate how you let people use you
I hate how you can't tell people "no"
I hate how you give in so easily
I hate how you care about people who don't give a **** about you
I hate how you love people more than they love you
I hate how you fall for lies
I hate how you care about what people think
I hate how you try so hard to please people
I hate how ditzy you can be
I hate how you can be so clueless to the outside world
I hate how you make the same mistakes over and over again
I hate how you let things get to you
I hate how you're so forgiving
I hate how you give everyone a chance
I hate how you give people second chances when they don't deserve it
I hate how you feel guilty about everything even when you've done nothing wrong
I hate how you let people take advantage of you
I hate how sad you are
I hate how you hide your feelings
I hate how you bottle everything up until you blow
I hate how you break people's hearts
I hate how you don't care
I hate how you don't have motivation to do anything
I hate how you get annoyed so easily
I hate how you're willing to do anything for people who wouldn't even lift a finger for you
I hate how you give yourself to people to fill the void inside you
I hate how your body constantly shakes because you're always nervous about something
I hate how you feel trapped
I hate how your chest gets tight when you think about how much you miss him
I hate the way you treat yourself


I hate how much I hate myself*


                                B.S.

He's just so together
oh! I hate him
He's brilliant, stylish, so cool
oh! I hate him
he's academically bright and very intelligent
oh! I hate him
he's so so charismatic and always shinning
oh! I hate him
he's a polymath with sound balanced viewpoint
oh! I hate him
he can be so witty and so succinctly entertaining
oh! I hate him
he's loving, caring, kind, considerate and assured
oh! I hate him
he's warm, charming, laid-back with such presence
oh! I hate him
he's not so tall but nice looking and **** with a twinkle
oh! I hate him
he's strong of character, balanced and really astute and wise
oh! I hate him
he's accomplished, versatile able to turn his hands to most things
oh! I hate him
he's a talented writer and poet with the most riveting language
oh! I hate him
he's well equipped, has rhythm with hot moves that's breathless  
oh! I hate him
he's solid, pious, honest, sincere, dependable and quite so reliable
oh! I hate him
to cap it all, his background is pure pedigree and all that entails
oh! I hate him
I hate him, hate him, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate hate him
oh! I hate him, oh! I hate him
he lives in my head from morning till dust and burns me inside out
oh! I hate him, oh! I hate him, oh! I hate him
I know I am mad for I think of a large lovely yummy dark delicious mushroom and a big smooth sleek dolphin
Oh I don't know why, but I hate him
and  I get all hot and flustered, bothered, dizzy and wanting to nap
it's the hate, hot hate
Oh Help! I hate him, hate him, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate hate him, I hate him, hate him, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate him!

I hate you.
I hate so many things about you i cannot recall a single word in my vocabulary that can even begin to grasp the amount of hatred i have for you.
I hate the way you walk. The way you talk. The way you dress I hate all of it. Why? Let me explain.

I hate the way you walk. The way your body sulks forward as if the entire world was on your shoulders and not a soul on this planet would lift even a finger to help carry your burdens.

I hate the way you talk. Not about others but about yourself. The way the pain in your words seems to seep out even as you try to mask it with the I'm alright or I'll be fine.

I hate the way you dress. How beautiful your clothes look on you. How every shade of green blue and red seem to be just enough to hide all the little bits of insecurity you harbour underneath. I hate how much time you put into shopping for clothes, thinking about how gorgeous the material is. The softness of the fabric. Thinking that while you wear such amazing, stunning clothing, the body beneath is will never be enough for anyone. Never be enough for you. I hate the way you dress because every piece of clothing you buy, you don’t buy to accent you. You buy it as armour to shield away your beautiful heart that you think is ugly.

I hate your eyes. The way every time I stare at them I see someone who's lost all hope. I hate the way you look into the world as if it was made of black and white. I hate that I have the unfortunate privilege to stare into the eyes of one so broken and so blind to the beauty that is you.

I hate your lips. I hate the way they seem to curve down at the edges, as if any semblance of happiness has been ****** out of your once beautiful shining lips. I hate how every time I look at them I'm reminded that your blind eyes don't realize that those lips are the missing puzzle piece to someone else's.

I hate your ears. Yes. Even your ears. I hate how every time someone speaks to you all you hear are your mistakes. I hate how your ears mangle and twist words of praise and love into indistinguishable words that amount to nothing more than babble or a language unbeknownst to you.

I hate your smile. I hate the way your teeth shine perfectly in the light but your eyes betray that smile as fake. I hate how your smile never conveys a true happiness. I hate how your smile though so beautiful at face value, has never comes from the bottom of your heart.

I hate your laugh I hate how even when you laugh, the forcefulness of your laugh is subtle, but to me its existence is as obvious as a red smudge on a white shirt. I hear it. Every time. You think nobody hears it, but i hear the pain in your laugh.

I hate your body. I hate the way your body curves. How every hair and every odd mark on your skin is suddenly a sin that needs to be atoned for. I hate how your body is so beautiful and perfect the way that it is, and I hate how even if you want to change it, you never find the courage to even though you're highly capable of it.

I hate your hands. I hate how when you look into your hands even if they may be small or big, you truly believe that nobody on this Earth would dare hold them. That somehow, someway you've contracted some sort of disease that has made your hands untouchable to anyone else. That just like your lips you truly believe nobody would dare lock their hands in yours.

I hate you. I hate how beautiful you are. I hate how you can't see it. I hate your loneliness. I hate how every day I need to watch as little bits of you float away and dissolve into nothing. I hate that I ultimately can't do anything for you to make you see any of this. I hate how all I can do is write this stupid poem at 3 17 in the morning and hope and pray that by some ******* miracle maybe I can ignite some sort of light in your heart. That maybe for a second, just one second, you can look away from this poem and realize one color in your black and white world. Maybe you realize the blue of your wall. Maybe you realize the color of your skin. Maybe you realize the green of the grass outside.
Maybe you realize the small pond of blue in an endless horizon of grey clouds.

Maybe in the end I hate you so much because you hate yourself so much.
Maybe in the end I hate you so much because you don't believe

How much I love you.

Ayee..Uhh..(**** a hater let em hate, aye7)..**** em let em hate, **** em..(let em2)..hate **** em let em hate..**** em (let em2)..(hate2)..(**** a hater2)...let em hate, Aye..**** a hater let em (hate2)..**** em..
(Let em)..hate Aye..
/(let em3)..hate/2
(Let em5).., you gotta (let em4)..hate, (let em9)..(hate 2).., Aye don't have any worries of what they gotta say..(**** em2)..let em (hate2)..Aye..,(**** a hater, let em hate,aye6)..****   a hater (let em5), hate Yeah , you gotta let em hate, **** em anyway, Aye..(let em *7)..hate.. Don't have any worries of what they say..(**** a hater just let em hate4)..**** a hater, (let em5)..hate, let em hate..Aye

Let em hate, get yo cake, stack it up Yeah mane, Do what ever your spirit desires, don't worry about a hater **** hater..(let em hate2)..Aye Young Ston, look at me, I'm trying my very best..Yeah I'm making so many **** sacirfices to influence love forget hate..(**** a hater, let em,aye2)..Yeah , I do cuss alot in  my songs, dawg I'm just letting all of my angry, sadness, & my depression, go yo, ****, the kids still need to listen to this still, I'll make a cleaner version for the album soon man called Living Legend.., Imma living legend Yeah mane, Like Christian Rich said man, Only Real music is gonna last all that other ******* is here, today & gone tomorrow mane,Aye..(,**** a hater, let em hate,Aye2)..Im too real to be doing what all of these other fake ***** *** rappers doing mane, They some gangstalicious head *** buster ******..Aye

Forget joining thee Occult, Noo, I won't change my faith for gaining fame my *****, Imma still accumulate billions tho dawg, Yeah man, Aye & Imma split that **** up wit my family equally, Yeah we all equal mane.. OFTR, is  a family business, Yeah its (only for the Real2)..man ..yeah only real ****** , involved in it yeah Aye..
The industry will test yo character, but you can't let Satan destroy you, forget em, Yeah..(**** a hater2)..(Let em3)..hate, Yeah Uhh..OFTR
We came from the underground & took over Mainstream, Imma lethal weapon my ***** , you rather be with me, Aye me & my brothers stayed going....
Now all we burn up is Dat strong mane,..Noo these hos can't handle it, Noo none of these hoes can handle me, ***** I'm too strong, even tho I'm skinny, I go in lil mama hard..yeah I go in her long,..Aye but this ain't that type of song my *****, This is Only to inspire my brothers & my sisters Yeah..Let's turn Section 8 into Blacc Hollywood mane.., Uhh Yeah, Aye..


**** a hater let em hate..hate..**** em..(let em4)..hate..
**** em..(let em2)..(hate2)..Aye **** a hater..(let em4)..hate
/(let em3)...hate../3..Aye
**** em..
Let em hate, Aye
(**** a hater, Let em hate,aye2)
/..yeah..(let em3),..hate/3

Yeah
Aye don't worry my ***** because (there will always better days2)..Uhh, your worse day ain't your worses of days & it ain't probably gonna be yo last , so just stay strong, keep your head up & keep moving on **** a hater, Let em hate dawg..Uhh, Yeah..Young Ston..
(**** a hater, let em hate3)..Aye
**** a hater, Let em hate Aye..
(**** a hater2)..(Let em hate2)

I HATE IT.
I HATE THIS.
I HATE HIM WHOM I HAVE TO MOURN FOR.
I HATE IT. I HATE THIS.
I HATE THE WAY IN WHICH WICKED IS BAD.
I HATE IT. I HATE THIS.
I HATE PREFORMATIVITY.
I HATE MOST THAT I WRITE THIS.
I HATE IT. I HATE THIS.
I HATE THAT MY ICONS ARE DEAD.
I HATE IT. I HATE THIS.
I HATE THAT I’M BEGGING FOR MORE.
I HATE IT.  I HATE THIS.
I HATE THAT I HAVE TO CHOOSE.
I HATE, FOR WHAT I WAS DESTINED IS TAINTED.
I HATE IT. I HARE THIS.
I HATE THEM WHOM I HAVE TO MOURN FOR.
I HATE IT. I HATE THIS.
I HATE THAT I CAN’T GO BACK. BACK TO THE ZYGOTE, TO THE GRECIAN AGE, TO A LAND WITHOUT EARS.
I HATE IT. I HATE THIS.
I HATE HER WHOM I HAVE TO MOURN FOR.
I HATE IT. I HATE THIS.
I DON’T WANT TO BE WICKED.
I HATE IT. I HATE THIS.
I HATE XIR WHO I HAVE TO MOURN FOR.
I HATE IT. I HATE THIS.
I HATE THAT STEEPED IN PAIN I AM SUPPOSED TO TRANSFORM.
TO SHINE BRIGHT. TO DROWN AND SURVIVE.
I rise in wrath, sadness, regret. Balletic and vile, dipped in warmth. Lifeless, like milk teeth. Tar, sits vast beneath my feet.

I am all. All the ways that it hurts plus the beauty. Padded shoulders, green and purple.

I will never be complete.
Dancing beings underneath the evening stars, stretched out ionosphere, elastic, ecstatic. Paused yet stillmoving.

I am black, pointed. Free, stillinchains. A dripping matriarch. A reflection transcendent, moss-filled and fed up. Afraid.  

Stylish metalwork, animation and formlessness.Wilted and strong. Lilac, xir name.  

Protect these ribs from that strain.
The thoughts unexplained.
Protect the clothes never worn. And the freedom forgotten.
Protect me.
For I still hope to be forgotten.

I hate the way I look

I hate that people brush aside my feelings

I hate that I'm not funny

I hate that  I'm not really that smart

I hate the way I type

I hate that I talk to myself constantly

I hate how I write

I hate that I'm useless

I hate that I'm worthless

I hate that I like both genders

I hate being picked on because of it

I hate the way I talk

I hate that I procrastinate

I hate my ******* name

I hate that I'm not a good writer

I hate that I'm lazy

I hate how I'm so gullible

I hate that I don't get enough attention

I hate not eating anything healthy

I hate having so many dark colored clothes

I hate that I'm not social enough

I hate that people laugh at my choice in music

I hate that I can't defend myself

I hate how I draw

I hate keeping everything inside

I hate that I forget a lot

I hate bottling up my anger

I hate that I'm too timid

I hate that I'm ugly and unattractive

I hate feeling depressed

I hate that I think of killing people, my family, even myself

I hate that I'm heartless

I hate that I'm alone

I hate the world.




*But I love you.....

Hate/Love

Hate Pepsi, love Coke
hate crack, love to ****
Hate country, love rock
hate boring, love to shock
Hate to ****, love the ***
hate stupid, love wit
Hate football, love wrestling
hate knowing, love guessing
Hate violence, love ***
hate calling, love to text
Hate snow, love rain
hate blood, love pain
Hate cleaning, love cooking
hate darkness, love looking
Hate running, love driving
hate death, love surviving
Hate *******, love ladies
hate the nineties, love the eighties
Hate past, love now
hate to deny, love to allow
Hate the Exorcist, love Freddy
hate shaking, love steady
So many thing I hate,
like always having to wait.
So many things I love,
my life, I'm proud of.
Hate you, love me
hate to argue, love to agree
Hate alone, love company
hate happy, love grumpy
Hate standing, love to sit
hate swallowing, love to spit
Hate alcohol, love ****
hate failure, love to succeed
Hate to read, love to write
hate being nice, love to spite
Hate to stay, love to go,
hate above, love below
I think you get my point,
now go smoke a big fat joint.

Hey, what are you waiting for?
Me to walk around with an 'S'
On my chest
Told you this boy will never fly again
You tore all the pieces of dignity
Out of me
You've changed all the colour
Into black and white
Tell me do you feel proud?
Knowing how you've trampled
Somebody into the ground
Tell me do you feel proud?
And no this isn't about the girls
It's about all the people who tear
So hard into me and my art
This is about killing off the rumours
You've gone and started on me
And don't you see?
How they have been killing me softly
Ruining my reputation
In amongst all the adulation
Of all the allegations.

Are you just gonna stand there?
Are you just gonna watch me fall?
Can't believe they just stood by
You didn't even reach out your hands
But every time I see you
I still lose it again and again and again
How could I forgive them so easily?
Why did they just stand there?
Tell me why
Oh tell me why
They just watched me fall.

Don't you hate it!
when everything seems to disappear
Don't you hate it!
That when what you hear is not what you said
Don't you hate it!
When everybody is speculating about something
They know nothing about
Oh god, I hate it!
When your betrayed by the one you trust
Oh god, I hate it!
When I see they've been spilling lies
Oh god, I hate it!
That it kills me on the inside
Oh don't you hate it
Oh don't you hate it

Right now you can feel all the trouble
Stirring inside of my mind
Right now you can see all the memories
Burning on the outside
Right now you can smell
All the fear in the air
Right now you can hear
My heart beating faster and faster
Oh what this is just a disaster
And it's escalating
This needs investigation
Oh these people just keep on interacting
I'm supposed to be the inspiration
And the downfall is just another speculation
Of human interference inside of my life
And I'm supposed to be so dedicated
To changing all the sceptics
Who believe all the lies
I am getting entrapped by my own creation
Somehow I went and lost the motivation
To keep fighting all the critics
All the ones who thought they knew the truth

Are you just gonna stand there?
Are you just gonna watch me fall?
Can't believe they just stood by
You didn't even reach out your hands
But every time I see you
I still lose it again and again and again
How could I forgive them so easily?
Why did they just stand there?
Tell me why
Oh tell me why
They just watched me fall.

Don't you hate it!
when everything seems to disappear
Don't you hate it!
That when what you hear is not what you said
Don't you hate it!
When everybody is speculating about something
They know nothing about
Oh god, I hate it!
When your betrayed by the one you trust
Oh god, I hate it!
When I see they've been spilling lies
Oh god, I hate it!
That it kills me on the inside
Oh don't you hate it
Oh don't you hate it

Oh note to self you've gotta keep standing up
You've got to push back the ones that start
To point the fingers at you
Say your the blame for all of this
Say your the one who lied and cheated
And you cry and feel so defeated
Especially when what's going around
Just ain't true.
All the rumours that have spread
Have started from nothing
It starts to show that it's taking its toll
Your trying to protect yourself
While trying to shield everybody else
Tell me how targeting people
Over the simple things
Like all the gossip
You hear through your job.
And it's just not what should go on
Oh feel the shame
Because soon your gonna feel the effects
Of what comes from the end of this.

Are you just gonna stand there?
Are you just gonna watch me fall?
Can't believe they just stood by
You didn't even reach out your hands
But every time I see you
I still lose it again and again and again
How could I forgive them so easily?
Why did they just stand there?
Tell me why
Oh tell me why
They just watched me fall.

Don't you hate it!
when everything seems to disappear
Don't you hate it!
That when what you hear is not what you said
Don't you hate it!
When everybody is speculating about something
They know nothing about
Oh god, I hate it!
When your betrayed by the one you trust
Oh god, I hate it!
When I see they've been spilling lies
Oh god, I hate it!
That it kills me on the inside
Oh don't you hate it
Oh don't you hate it

I've heard all the words they've said
They can't separate the facts from the lies
And that's why they've just crossed the line
Starting something they know nothing about
Just declared war, Those people know who they are
And there the ones who'll be taken down first
Because what goes around comes around
Karma's gonna strike you first
And there's is no need to pray and wish
Because everybody,
Oh, everybody, all ready knows this
Just hope the curse doesn't get worse
You should have just shut your mouth
Now we'll just have to wait and see
What things happen from here
Oh prepare for the fall
Because I can already here the karma call

Are you just gonna stand there?
Are you just gonna watch me fall?
Can't believe they just stood by
You didn't even reach out your hands
But every time I see you
I still lose it again and again and again
How could I forgive them so easily?
Why did they just stand there?
Tell me why
Oh tell me why
They just watched me fall.

Don't you hate it!
when everything seems to disappear
Don't you hate it!
That when what you hear is not what you said
Don't you hate it!
When everybody is speculating about something
They know nothing about
Oh god, I hate it!
When your betrayed by the one you trust
Oh god, I hate it!
When I see they've been spilling lies
Oh god, I hate it!
That it kills me on the inside
Oh don't you hate it
Oh don't you hate it

©2017 Written By Benji James

i am mentally ill.

i have been since i was born,
or at least, that’s what i’ve been told.
although perhaps
i never knew it, perhaps
the symptoms
were triggered by trauma, perhaps
it was something that never really seemed
like an illness to me until i knew
what was considered normal. but
i am mentally ill, or mentally disordered, or mentally whatever.

and i ******* hate it.

i hate it
because i cannot think logically most of the time.
i hate it
because whatever chemical imbalances
are inside of me
make me want to scream
and bleed
and punch the walls of my home
until there are more holes than stable ground. i hate it
because me having to speak in front of
my ******* friends is cause enough to
cry for three days, because
my friends don’t understand why
i am ecstatic
around them one day when sadness
crushes my skull the next, because
my friends don’t see logic in a matter of feeling
that doesn’t make sense to them let alone me.

i hate it because
i cannot give a logical reason for this.
i hate it because
i don’t understand why i am the way i am
or what i did to deserve this.
i hate it because
i don’t understand my illness,
i don’t understand how people can
just go out into the world and be happy,
i don’t understand what it’s like to
have something go wrong in life
and react in a way considered to be “healthy”.

i hate it
because my younger brother sits
in class and suffers from his own depression
but refuses to speak up
because he believes his depression
is absolutely nothing
compared to mine,
when to me
it is everything.
i hate it because
he might be cutting himself open
every night
or at least wanting to

and

i hate it because
when i texted all of my friends
as i sat sobbing on my front porch
at ten pm
on a school night
with a bottle of pills
nestled safely in my jacket pocket,
several of them thought it was a suicide note
but none of them cared enough to push further
in my answer of “i’m fine don’t worry about me goodnight”.
i hate it because
the only person who noticed it thoroughly enough
was my ex-boyfriend,
who i scared half to death
when i told him “i’m sorry”
and “i loved you a lot before we broke up”
and “you’ll understand”
and he replied with “oh my god
please don’t
please don’t
please don’t”.

i hate it because
i ignored him.
i hate it because
i wanted out.

i hate it because
the sky fell through the earth’s floor
like shattered glass and the blood-orange
sunset bled towards the grass; i hate it because
i lay softly on the earth of my front yard
and allowed the blades of grass to soothe me
towards the afterlife; i hate it because
the world spun and spun and spun and
my vision blurred and
my heart threatened to beat so far out of my chest
and i could not stop my breathing
but i kept on taking more pills like a child eating candy.

i hate it because
when i realised i wasn’t dead,
i cried.
i hate it because
i had thirty two new notifications
from my ex and the people he had contacted
to see if i was dead
but most of them were from him,
all missed calls and texts and
heavy breathing on the other side of the phone
once he saw me calling. i hate it because
his hands were shaking
and i was talking
and sobbing
with an ex love
on my front porch as the sun and moon switched places
with half a bottle of pills in my system
and the taste of blood in my mouth
instead of talking to my friends
and family
and people
who were supposed to care about me.

i hate it because
the next day i had a pulsing headache
and a suicidal mindset
and all of my friends were cracking jokes
about how they believed i was going to **** myself
when they had no idea
how hard i’d been attempting to do so.
i hate it because
i smiled and lied through gritted teeth
and cried in the bathrooms
when a teacher pulled me aside to say -
he thought something was
“off” with me. i hate it because
i still wanted to die.

i hate it because
i can’t think straight most days.
i hate it because
sometimes everything is okay
and fine
and i can breathe without the alien invasion of
“panic attacks from the planet post-traumatic stress disorder”
and cinnamon doesn’t trigger memories
i would like to forget.
i hate it because
people don’t take mental health seriously
enough to understand why
i leave classrooms in the middle of the day
or why some kids miss school for
two weeks without explanation or why sometimes teachers
with dead eyes are more dead inside
than the human skeletons dancing in the science classrooms.
i hate it because
teenagers make suicide jokes
near people who are dying.
i hate it because
i don’t know if i got out of bed
last tuesday or how long it’s been since i last showered
or if i still love writing as much as
i used to
or if it’s just habit now.

i hate it
because my illness makes me hate myself.

i hate it because
my illness
does not define me
but it sure feels like it does.
i hate it because i cannot explain my illness myself.
i hate it because i hate my illness
and every part of it that creates me, shapes me, moves me
like a ******* puppet.

but ******* it all
if i am going to let it ****** who
i am supposed to be any longer.

I hate ******,
I hate racist,
I hate narcissistic people,
I hate criminals,
I hate subliminal messages,
I hate werid fetishes,
I hate killers,
I hate murderers,
I hate child molesters,
I hate sodomizer,
I hate spiders,
I hate fear,
I hate my mirror,
I hate low battery,
I hate battery (crime)
I hate pedophiles
I hate crocodiles
I hate the sun,
I hate to run,
I hate sin,
I hate my sinister grin,
I hate villains,
I hate millions,
I hate billions,
I hate trillions,
I hate people who dont hate what I hate,
I hate everything,