i had never waited for those things
i always felt like i was falling without wings
i dont properly remember a time
when i hadnt been compelled to rhyme

i have always been waiting
my head just aching
i dont really know what it feels like
not to be waiting for a strike

The bar  was empty .
The bartender like always made another run through making sure all was clean and in order.
When like some weird mental ninja she found someone sleeping in a booth.

The man seemed so peaceful lost in perfect drunken slumber.
So she did what any kind hearted soul who stumbled apon some sleeping drunk in a booth
would do.

Kicked the **** outta it and said.
Look ******* how many times have  I told you stop passing out here dont you have a *******
home!?

But this wasnt any regular drunken sleeping beuthy of a ******* .
It was everyones favorite drunken *******.
And the misspelling  madman of hello Gonzo.

Oh my lord someone  catch that donkey for he finds out Taylor Swift's in town.
Yes the kids went for a braindead bubblegum **** fest and  ended
up with nature show  or more like a donkey show  but what *******
hadnt been with Taylor Swift?

What the hell are you talking about.!
The barmaid said to me looking angry yet still there was that strange look of hey if this were a ****  something was about to happen.

Hey there Susan, Becky,Rebbeca whatever the hell your name is another round please.
Are you ******* nuts!
The woman seemed tense but I had to ask myself was this a trick question?

I thought long and hard yet stayed semi soft in thought that is get your mind outta the gutter ya perves.
Look miss lets not kid each other theres a reason im here besides the fact that im a drunk
that and im avoiding  the cops.
Cause duh!
No one would ever think to look for me in a bar.
Yeah you sit behind that bar looking at me asking  will that be all  but lets cut the crap.

The woman was silent  as I could tell there was a connection  on one of thoose
deep level's  like in one of thoose ******* romance books women read  
like the Notebook  yeah thanks Nicholas Sparks now women want you  to hang with em till they go senile and I like to usally leave after I   pay.

Not that I read that book.
What do ya think I am a ****** duh thats why they make movies.
It was for research only.
Well that and this chick I was trying to bang wanted to see it.
Look I had to go cause she was to young to go by herself.

Im kidding well kinda.
But enough with the foreplay hamsters.

Miss I  say we turn down the lights maybe put on some music have a couple cold one's.
You can serve cause you know after having a few drinks your not supposed
to operate heavy machinery.
Its a ******* bottle opener you idiot! she said.

Shh  I  said to this madien of the *****.
Yeah thats what grandad thought now look were he is?
He died ?
Yes he did and there isnt  a moment  I dont linger to hear him say
Hey **** for brains!
Get off your dead *** and get me a beer!

Wow he really sounds like a *****.
Yeah come to think of it he kinda was.
We sat there in silence togather deep in reflection yet not really cause it was
kinda dark and  everyone nothing refelcts in the dark  but some things
glow like condoms but thats enough about my glowstick.

Hey the barmaid asked.
Did he really die from using a bottle opener?
Well it was more of the semi truck's fault but if he hadnt of reached for that *******
he's probaly be here as we speak and I wouldnt be the only one.
Telling you you have a marvelous  set of *******.
Or annoying the **** outta you.

Look ****** I put up with annoying drunks everyday.
And when I say lastcall your cutting into my time.
So although you got nothing better to do  then drink your liver silly.
I wanna get the **** outta here.

So your saying you wanna go home maybe take a nice warm bath.
Walk around half naked call up your girlfriends wrestle and maybe make out.
While a strange demented man films the whole the thing or joins in cause  
im all about inprove acting  and filmaking.

It seemed this strange gatekeeper to the ***** wasnt a lover of the arts.
Cause befor you could whistle dixie while being spanked by a dwarf dressed as
Dolly Parton I was chased from the bar.

Cast into the cold depths of darkness and alone  it's okay.
it would'nt have worked out sure we coulda dabbled in the arts gotta a few thousand
hits off of a adult site really what romance doesnt start that way?

But me I was a  loner a cowboy who couldnt ride a horse  but hey someone has to break the ******* mold and besides  that's what cars are for.
So I was off but i'd see the barmaids face again  sure she had knocked me down
like a group of braindead teenie boppers would a security gaurd who stood
between them and Justin Bieber.

But are paths would cross again.
Duh im a drunk  and besides  it wasnt all a loss.
cause as she was pushing me out the door  I felt her ****.

See kids you always gotta look  on the brightside.

Untill next time stay crazy.      

Gonzo

there was a little turtle his shell it had a leekthe rain was getting in he hadnt slept all weekhe was very stressed and he began to cryspotted by an albatross flying near bythe albatross flew down and saw  a little crackrunning down the middle of the turtles backdont worry said the albatross i know the thing to do i will get some leaves and make a shelter just for youthe albatross gathered leaves and made a little tentthen when it was finished in the turtle went.the turtle he was happy now in his tent so deephe curled his shell and caught up with some sleep.

they write about her im the toilets.
they call her a ****.
they mock her.
they make her hate herself.
everything she is, everthing shes become.
its their fault.

she crys herself to sleep at night.
wishing she could change.
wishing the scars would fade.

wishing she could fade.
wishing she hadnt done the things she things she had.

wishing.
wishing.
wishing.

just wishing she would die.

The day I lost my Angel,
I traded my love in for something of repugnance,
And I by no means even put up a struggle
I never even spoke, Not even showing a single expression.
I just raised my arms towering to the sky above
I just gave up

I ceased to distinguish who I was.
I became nothing, a soul I hadnt ever met or knew.
I had loved you, A feeling that you out grew.
A love I never knew.
I never once considered the repercussions of my emotions
Or my thoughts.

It’s strange how a single ripple in the sea
Can work to transform everyone and everything it comes in contact with.
Never leaving any inclination of its presence
Or its effect apon the vision that is cast into the waters of prospect.
Now I have nobody left,
No one and nothing at all.
Nothing in my heart or in my soul.
The graceful love I showed you.
But who am I to say.
I am just a guy at heaven’s gate                                            
With broken wings.
Hoping that today is the day I may get in.

haunted by things that could of been
or are they things that should of been
i guess if they were they would of been
my lack of commitment seems like a sin
when everyone around me is happy
they have someone to be with
they have someone to kiss
when i have nothing but people i miss
all the ones i  really cared about
i forced myself to live without
to me it seems beautiful some how
thinking bout that girl from the past
but i went for another girl
becuase i knew it wouldnt last
now it seem like time is passing by too fast
and im losing the chances that i thougt i would always have with the women i thought would never leave
but they all do
what reason would they wait for me
they dont know how i feel
and they dont know how i am
i didnt let them in
because they were already too close
and thats when we hadnt even kissed yet
its like when you texted me
but i took ten minutes to reply
because im not sure exactly what to say
maybe i should have said
i want you
and i want you to stay

This is a poem for my little sister,
Sunday
Who carries emotional battle wounds
From a mother who left her for heroine.
Who hoards food because she's
Afraid
Bullied for being overweight
Light hearted and Jolly
Just to be judged by me
Rejected
By the time I understood I was
Too late
"You're really going to wea- let's go out!"
You needed love
But even I hadnt fully accepted you
Your baby blue eyes pooling became MY
Priority
I can't fix your mom abandoning you
Nor can I make up for the years you didn't know our father
I'll never be able to take back the cruel things I said
That weakened your knees and killed your temporary happiness
I should've been a good role model
But I hated that you became dad's little girl too
I was selfish and blind
Time is not reversible
But each day forward is an opportunity to make your life happier
I love you-
Words you should hear everyday
A twelve year old who never fails to inspire me
My Sunshine

i had a go at baking i tried to make some dough
what i had use i really didnt know
first i got some flour and tipped in a  bowl
then in the centre i made a little hole
then i put the eggs in and rubbed it round and round
till the eggs and flour were securely bound
i placed it on a tray and  then i began to bake
to see what would become of my homemade cake
i left it for a while to slowly bake away
but it wasnt moving it seemed to take all day
then i looked again and all the heat had gone
i looked the **** i hadnt switched it on
my patience had run out so i put in the bin
wasting all that food was really such a sin.

there was a little turtle his shell it had a leek
the rain was getting in he hadnt slept all week.

he was very stressed and he began to cry
spotted by an seagull flying near by.

the seagull he flew down and saw the little crack
running down the middle of the turtles back.

dont worry said the seagull i know the thing to do
i will get some leaves and make a tent for you.

the seagull gathered leaves and made a little tent
then when it was finished inside the turtle went.

the turtle he was happy in his tent so deep
he curled up in his shell and caught up with some sleep.

The last time I saw you sipping time on his rooftop, your wounds were smaller and my heart bigger than it ever would be. I had learnt to love you despite the smell of wild daffodils on your breath, and the look of expensive pride in your eyes - things you were willing to give up when you first hugged me with the surprising confidence of an old world pilgrim hugging the shores of new America and bringing with it the hopes and bitterness of the transatlantic blues.

The last time I saw you sipping time on his rooftop, the neighbours said that if I had arrived a bit earlier, I would have heard the sound of his sandy boots crashing against your rotten hardwood flooring, drowning your cries for constant help. His clenched fists might have broken your apartment window, But you begged me to give him the benefit of the doubt - maybe unlike me, he had never fallen for a wild daffodil before.

The last time I saw you sipping time on his rooftop, I remember confessing how you weren't truly my first love - that honour instead belonged to a monsoon paperboat that hado shown up at my flooded doorstep when I hadnt yet crossed the ripe old age of five.
Looking back - you told me, those were probably my golden years of romantic maturity.

The last time I saw you sipping time on his rooftop, you failed to realize why men kept falling over their swords to win the curled up furball crying in my arms, wearing an unasked crown of broken hearts. I wish you had remembered what i had said.

People loved you not because your face shone the brightest or you looked more beautiful than every damsel dancing in the ghostly courts of a dying town. Instead people kept coming back to you because you were Kolkata, you were literally this city.

The last time I saw you, we were sitting on the edges of a different city i had chosen to call my own. But I wish you had realized what I meant.

From white sakura in the garden way,
had gone the milky odor sprey.
and icy heart of flooding sense
that is not me ....
that pencil wispered to a paper sheet...
The sun kisses mountines , fields
Reflect on Caspian black waters ...
May be i dream of early twilight moon,
Ridding the pinky horse ....
that is not me ...
that pencil wispered to a paper sheet...
I sent the doves with posts
three or four indeed....but...
They hadnt been read .
may be they still in net...
You sang me the song on the old quatar,
fingers dance a melody ...Habibi ...
Are you alive ?
Then i greet you with hugs
Then ...i will die from hapiness
Just for you...Habibi !
Please be alive ...let me know ....
that is not me ...
that pencil wispered to a paper sheet...

The room was filled with burnout nuts who looked half crazy dear lord what was someone as normal as me doing here.
Yeah dont laugh im being serious or however ya spell it.

The group slash cult leader approached the mic.
Hello im Dan .
Hello Dan.

Dear lord these people were some brainwashed hampsters almost as bad
as that voodoo priestest Taylor Swift yeah Her new song sounds just like her last okay.
the only people who like her are kids and perverts that reminds me gotta put that video on mute when i
watch it it really messes up the mood what!
Im talking bout when im writting ya perves haha no im not.

Enough with the foreplay kids.
The man went into his speech how he used to snort lines that went from here to texas
picked up hookers drank till he passed out.
Hey No wonder this man was a leader he was soon becoming my hero.

But then I hit rock bottem and stopped found Jesus once honestly i didnt know he was lost.
Now he hadnt had a dam bit of fun in four years i couldnt contain my laughter
what a ***** huh?
I said to the old drunk beside me.

Hey what you got in that cup there grandpa.
He just looked at me in a strange manner must be on a hell of a trip lucky *******.
He spoke slow in a ***** old seductive kinda scared shitless by me manner
It's Koolaide.

Yeah weird mixer what ya trying to pick up kids ya nut what else is in it?
This oldman was playing a game yeah  sure dont share you old ***** hound
my flask was nearly empty and my patience was fading with every sober ***** that took the stage Jesus people it was listening to Jeff Foxworthy it's great if your ******* but honestly its one step above a ******* puppet.

The group of lame areses was almost done when they looked at me hey there friend feel like sharing?
It was something I should fight but a mic and stage was as tempting as a
wild turkey and college keg party.

Why not.

Hey Kids Im Gonzo!
Hey Gonzo jesus it was like dealing with a human parrot or Brittney Spears really
you've  seen one mindless drone ya seem em all.

I took a deep sip from my coffee with a little something extra cup
mmm acid and folgers it goes togather like teens and ****** reallity  shows ******* MTV!

Well Im Gonzo , Hello Gonzo.
Look meeting of the living braindead it's funny the first time okay.
Okay jesus these people were bad as a boy band dam three tenors yeah your all
hot and can sing opera but wants to party to that ****.

Look here  Ive been drinking since 12  umm commited alotta fun crimes
Once paid the babysitter to show me her *******  yeah I know winning.
Ive been in 20  car crashes some of em not just other peoples cars  like I can afford one.

Ive done every drug known to man and some that arent made by people named skull and eightball.
dated strippers snorted coke off of more than just a table  get your mind outta the
gutter cause if ya dont your gonna end up like me serious!

My wife is full of life and strung out on pills that reminds me
i gotta pick her up after cheerleading practice.
Ive been in the iron bar hotel many a night yeah that ****** but he hairy guys are great to cuddle with
like big teddy bears who'll **** you yeah that ****** so ive herd well yeah.

The group was silent till DR Downer spoke up but when did you hit bottom.
Sir thats my personal life okay and besides i not that hung okay.
But you stopped right.

Stopped what are you high on crack Bobby Brown?  
First off amigo its cheap second I aint stopping till im dead yeah i could work out have no
fun and spend the rest of my life speaking in front of nuts who used to be cool
Like you Irene hey personally i wish i had seen you in the ******* cause you seem
like a nice lady and really easy to get into bed okay yeah im
sensative I always pay after that's manners.

The crowd was filled with something what was this place Jonestown
Look at what ya all become eating cookies and drinking **** I wouldnt even
drink when i was ******* five okay.

And you ****** Dave well okay it's kinda weird ya hung out in park restrooms
But if only you had met George Micheal maybe then he'd still be making good  records but ya gotta have faith im just saying.

Sure you can be nice live good yeah then one day ya cross the street and some *******
spoiled brat   teenager  who just got his license runs over your *** cause he's texting sally
asking to see her **** to share e with the rest of the football team okay.

Hey whatever happend to *** drugs and rock n roll kids.
**** living forever.
Lets party now and ***** tommorow cheers I kicked back the last
of the wild turkey hitting that liver like a sledge

The group was silent yet again **** I had crossed the line yet again ahh someone needs a spanking
but enough bout lady gaga.

Sir there leader said leave now!
Just then like something off of saturday night pro wrestling.
A folding chair hit the
hugging preachy nut over the head.

***** this guy the old drunk exclaimed lets go get trashed my life ***** lets get some ***** drugs and
Irene crank the music.

And like something outta a stupid wholsome after school special my heart grew
okay aybe thats a bit much .

We were off like fellow addicts set lose in a world as ******* up as us
And everything was as messed up as us we partyed laughed made some movies of are own that probaly wont be seen on tv anytime soon.

And we lived in the moment cause its all we ever have.
And this perves gonna make sure his is
******* fun stay crazy and avoid the clap love always
Gonzo

Folder: Heart aesthetics

The two of us alone by the fire in this wild landscape, tumble weeds and dust. the endless dust.  surely there could be some sort of peace offering that might make the night a little more comfortable than that of the past days. a small truce? suddenly I noticed him watching me. it was in a strange and unguarded way. he almost seemed  likeable except for the fact he was the most arrogant, heddonistc man i had ever met. again I looked at him. I bated him a little.

"dont you know its impolite to stare at a lady?"

There was an instant glint in his eyes and I knew he was thinking of the bathing pool. I blushed thanking the fire it didnt have the air to flicker brigher.  I wasnt quite ready for a reply.


"Yes, and I sure would be in trouble if there was a lady here! cause what Im looking at would be the pride of any man who had the pleasure of meeting them!"


He caught my breath my heart paused for a second. He was oviously alluding to the invitation he so easily tossed at her by the waters edge as he handed her her towel looking away with a cheap grin trying to convey the model of a complete gentleman. I saw him at that moment, menacing and I met him eye to eye. something strange took over me as I watched him leering at me eyes moving from soft peaks to nape , to lips and challenging me with his eyes. He made no attempt to hide the fact that I was desirable in the conventional way. Just not in any other way. but strangely I didnt feel threatened but rather bolder. his hand clinched suddenly as he stood suddenly towering over me. I got up on my feet and walked back a bit to create some distance between us but I stopped unable to mover further than a few feet away. my legs were unwilling to move and his eyes were able to rove freely the peaks and vallies of my womanhood. **** the fabric for being the type to reveal my shape in the firelight,  and **** the hot air that made the moisture cling it tightly to me.


I searched for meaning in his eyes, it came in  the unfurling of his desire and manifested in the breath of my own heartbeat pulsing into a crevice long forgotten. its revival took me somewhat, by surprise. and in the instant you saw it flicker in my eyes I saw it flicker in your own under the brim of that old leather hat. panic! oh hell! not ready for this feeling! uncomfortable sweetness and lazy pulses. weakness dragging along with it a wanton desire crawling molten heat wilting and yet rising in it a will of its own. I reeled inside my mind now lost inside the sensation of my body! reactions everywhere! A deep blush and a nip of my lip  to constrain me. here we are standing face to face a few feet  from eachother and that flicker had started in me a whole revolution. my thighs grew weary of standing so tightly wound together and my hips fancied themselves drawn towards you and took thier liberties from me. here I was held in an uncomfortable contortion hips lunged forward, tightened rosettes lunging to ward you and my mind was now working against me. your jaw seemed so warm and welcomeing and I could see myself nuzzling in the craw... and your hardness proudly announcing its desire to serve. those eyes those lightning sweet flickers, glowed over you warmth and hardness so appealing so pertinently appropriate in its impropriety.


Oh what in tarnations, there goes that waffling **** joy, oh sensiblitily who the hell cares! My mind and body argue and the shakes start to take over and I am completely confounded by my senses. then just as suddenly as it came its forgotten as the realisation of why this is such an offensive state to me. All I can remember are the words he said reeling in my head!


"The invitation is revoked of its warmth on account of your inhospitiable and ungracious prudish manner, but the polite thing to do is keep the invitation open at least on a civil basis otherwise i might not be considered a gentleman."


that was his gentlemanly way of calling her a harlot! Gentleman my-  Hate suddenly crawled up my spine and to my surprise it only served to flame my passion. I wanted what I wanted and courage and boldness took hold. If its civil he wants civil he will  get! I picked up my vanity like a harlott and lunged forward stopping just as quickly hoping he hadnt noticed. Hardly worth hoping. He noticed everything and he would surely call me on it. but insted strangely intent, he stood silent, still and focused. His eyes on my eyes I had noticed once I met them. A rugged jaw clinched and fist tight beside him. but his breath was cheating him of his composure. it was at this moment I knew we were fighting the same wanton battle. Pride dancing with lust, any hopes of love torn from the bitterness of rivalry between us by the fact that he held me in such high disregard. and I only as a pure instinctual reaction, do reasonably as any reasonalbe person attributed  such unwarranted assignment of character failings would do the same.


What was I to him? I found myself wondering what it would be like to be taken under his person, his strong arms pulling me towards him pressed against him... more rushes spun in cirles around me trying to find expression tight rosettes and puckering crevices landscapes once barren and forgotten had suddenly sprung to life. alive and wanting aching craving touch and now suddenly my heart decided to pull away from me. Suddenly fear flooded my body and then anger twisted its self all over me again. What the hell is going on?? Is it in my head? to hell with it ! I peered deep into his eyes and marched into his arms and forced a kiss to push him into my headdiness. and he obliged and held it warmly and gently, though my voraciousness clearly fell away at my noticing of this sudden cordialness pushing humiliation down into my throat and deep into the core of me unleashing a viper


"Why did you let me kiss you? "


I hissed, pulling away. he replied without missing a beat,


"It was the civil thing to do."


here I am rosy as all hell with a chasm as wide as the grand canyon with the words **** etched on to my pride.


"**** you! **** you to hell!"



I rushed at him and my hand flying through the air. it had its own justice to serve and I went with it. Oh hell, i went with it! Rage flew me up to him and suddenly I felt immobilised. My hand stilled hanging in the air, less than an inch from its target. His eyes now burning into me burrowing into me with seering white heat and an intensity that made me want to look away if it hadnt been for my last shred of pride refusing and rather accepting full blindness rather than conceede. suddenly his shadow fell over me and leaning down his lips parted his eyes softened and i felt the tenderly regard he was capable of it made me weak in my knees! I fell  into it as he caught me and in that sweet kiss, so beautifully warm. velvet silkeness I clung to him pressed against himas his hardness proudly declaring his intensions. it was a fit so perfect, that had there not been silk , denim and leather chaps in the way I would have merged with him seemlessly! oh the glorious delight of such care in his ravishment of me! I was lost, I was found!  yet, I was not even aware of anything but a dire need for his impending intensions to come to light.  then I felt him pull away from my lips. confused eyes watched as they pleaded why? He pushed me away and held me back from him like some vile rat and declared


"That is what youre missing as per the original invitation."  


He let me go as pain and humiliation stung my cheeks. reeling once again. I dropped to the ground. I put my hands to my heart trying to cover what he had done.  He had breeched my sacred place my soul stained and forever darkened by this stranger, I had trusted who was entrusted to escort me to my new lodgings... now my closest enemy.  in three days. and to bare for three days more. I am lost. lost. so this is what it feels like when hell burns you to the ground? and to think I almost thought for a second I could have fallen in ? serves me right to think any man would be different.  Im an idiot. That is the exact reason I need to marry money. I regained an inchling of my composure. enought to speak well, ok hell, I spat it at him


"I trust you sir, will be gentlmanly enough not to mention this to Mr Bently?"


"As always ma'am"


he tipped his hat and walked away  from the fire and my ashes into the darkness.


I stood there for a while listening to the bushes rustle till I knew he had found a place spend the night. I walked around the carriage to enter, I waited just enough time for him to get comfortable.  then ever so politely, gave him a reason to rise.  


"Mr Jones, would you mind helping me up the footer? I'm too afraid to sleep on the ground alone."


I heard him muttering and hissing under his breath. I smiled inside. for some reason it made me feel better. He slammed the carriage door and walked off again into the dark. I sat there on the plush bench thinking of him and scolded myself just as quickly as I had thought it. it was a cycle reapeated the whole night and as I drifted off to sleep I even let myself slip a brief thought of myself on a porch cleaning potoates while looking out at Clancy wiping his brow and smiling back... Clancy, Clancy Jones. What kind of a stupid name was that anyways? No woman in her right mind would want to marry a man with a name like that!  Mrs. Clancy Jones...

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Dearest of them all
the light of my life,
without you there is darkness

The love of my life,

I do not find you in the pearl
or in the rest of the world
Like you said i will
I do not go to the "market"
Yes all day i sit still
And to live i have managed

It's not been long till you said
"Hold on to me love,
For in moments i am dead"
And moments later you left me
now watching us from above
And tales i tell my grandson
and he listens so keenly
Love like ours has done
immeasurable healing to him

Bask in your wisdom, the whole village
now comes to me for justice
They're rights taken and land pillaged
How much do they miss their king!

Yes for nine times i thought no
we cannot be so,
The time was seventy years ago
I was young and never imagined
You'll see in me what i hadnt

But i lost now the will to live
im old and not beautiful anymore
you at all the wonderful things at store
To tell me and to make me smile
Why? why couldnt you stay a while

But ill be there, my king
wherever you are our love will bring
Yes ill continue to live
But i'll see you soon i believe
I'll see you soon i believe

To all the teachers who have let me down, to the teachers who made me feel isolated and alone for all the teachers who made me lose faith in the education system and caused me to believe that my strengths werent nearly as large as my weaknesses, to the teachers who have made me feel like my only purpose for living was to get good grades. I want you to know how you made me feel.
To the health teacher sophomore year who during the ****** education unit ignored my inquiries about safe *** in same *** relationships and then proceeded to tell me that my questions were innapropriate and that i was too young to be asking that, i want you to know that hearing that was a slap in the face to me. Hearing that sent 16 year old me so far back into the closet that i couldnt see any ounce light. I could not see a reason to be hopeful because you deemed my sexuality as wrong and made me feel like i was alone, i want you to know that it took me 2 years after that to understand that my feelings were not something to be ashamed of and it took me a week and google to find the responses to the questions you refused to answer.
To the chemistry teacher who told my counselor that i am a ******* addicted drug user and never even had the nerve to ask me why my hands shake, i want you to know that i have a disorder called essential tremor and my shaking is something that took me years to embrace. I want you to know that your assumptions stole the years of confidence i had built up in the acceptance of my disability and made me feel targeted and insignificant, if only you had simply just asked me then you would have saved me the loss. To the same teacher who made me sit out in the hall for the whole hour long class period because i talked while you were talking, i want you to know how ****** that feels. To any teacher who sends students in the halls, know that there is nothing worse than isolation and that making your students sit out in the hallway wont do anything but make them feel the pangs of loneliness and embarrasment.
To the spanish teacher with the bad temper who always took the time to complain and point out my mistakes, i want you to know that it never helped me learn anything and for someone who preaches tolerance amd respect i think its ironic that you made students feel so bad to the point where theyd leave your class crying. I want you to know that i tried my hardest to get your approval and never got it at all. But even though there have been those who have let me down, there have also been those who have brought me up. There have been those who have pulled me out of the deepest of slumps and showed me how to be brave.
To the math teacher who was more like a mother to me, a really cool one at that, who had awesome taste in music and understood that intelligence is not defined by grades, i want you to know that even though i hated math, walking into your class always made my day a little bit better. I want to thank you for understanding me and teaching me to try even when my attitude was ****. Im lucky to have met you because if i hadnt, i wouldnt have so much motivation.
To the theatre teacher who i met before highschool even started, i want you to know that you are the person who guided me to where i am today. And even when i cant find the words to say how i feel, you always know how to lead me to them. You were like a father to me when my own father was sick and for that i will always be appreciative.
To the theatre teacher who i can say without a doubt saved my life, who brought my out of the darkness and helped me see light, who understood all of the issues going on in my life, i owe my life to you. Meeting you was something that i am forever grateful for. You always know how to make me feel better and less alone and when i feel like im falling down you always help pick me back up. You're the only teacher who can see when im not okay and the only one who i can share with why im feeling that way, you're the only teacher that still manages to inspire me everyday and make me laugh at the same time. Thank you can't even begin to explain how much you have changed my life.
Ive learned that teachers have a bigger impact on kids than we think, they can affect them so much even in even the little things, ive learned that the things that teachers do can either inspire or haunt you for the rest of your life and its important that teachers understand that school is not the only thing in a students life, its important to understand that in just a day a teacher could either save someone or break someone. Empathy is the most important key that a teacher should hold because if you can make someone feel less alone, then youre doing it right.

Hey Kids ever wonder why people are such a pain in the ****?
Well thats usally cause they have to work for a living and unless
your in **** that really ***** well I guess in that field you get paid to ****.
But enough about what certain people I cant mention do in there free time
im just saying.

And ever wonder kids why your parents are so ******* uptight?
Duh its cause befor you  mom and pop used to be total freaks.
Now Pop is lucky if he gets at least once a month from moms sister.
Yeah thats why they invented hookers I know what a ******* .

But enough about global warming cause really I just live here on the planet.
Why should I care about it?
Some people often ask me.
Gonzo dont you think you should put the bottle down and give up the drugs and *****
strippers?

Hmm yeah probaly when hell freezes over and hopefully it does cause I have never
looked forward to moving to a warmer climate.
Yeah sure I could stop being a party animal and ****** with a heart of gold.
But **** that duh then what would I write about?
Being misreble like everyone else really doesnt sound all that fun.

Hey ever wonder if im really insane as you belive.
Well just send me a key to your house and find out.

One time when  was but a young little Gonzo.
I stole Grandmas credit card and tried to hire a ******
for *** ed  class I always was a more hands on student myself .
Yeah it would have worked  if that old *****  hadnt noticed it gone

Thanks Granny you totally ruined a kickass party.
Its okay she talks to the wall in the old folks home now.
Im kidding  like id waste that sweet social security check on a home.

She's doing just fine in the shed out back ****** that reminds me i gotta
feed her and take her to the park for a good run yeah I know im all
heart except fro the rest of me.

You know I think it's unfair hookers never give discounts.
Hey look every other company does even ******* subway.
Yeah the footlong isnt really a footlong  some people really
dont know what to do with a tape messure.

Hey remember its not the size that matters yeah news flash
if she ses its a good size then locks herself in the bathroom
for a hour and you hear a motor going off as the lights dim
on the whole dam block .
Well women lie  just like men except way better.

Sometimes I like to get really ****** up
I know your shocked.

Ever wonder why weirdos love to hunt ufo's and bigfoot?
Duh you cant live off star treck reruns alone.

Some people think im a pervert and a drunk and a womanizer.
And a drug addict well and a sick ******* as well.
Words they really hurt well at least to people who give a *****.
Sure they said alot of good things about me but they also left out a charming
mispelling half wit duh what *******.

You know sometimes I think.
Hey it could happen.

Just remember kids whatever you think of me.
If you dont have a sense of humor you'll ******* hurt yourself.
That and Gonzo loves you all and especially if your hot.
And if you have any pics send em to www.learntotakeafuckingjoke.com

Untill next time hampsters.
Remember that little bump on some chicks face aint a beauthy
mark its probaly ******.

Dam you Cindy Crawford well at least i'll never forget you.
Im kidding she a good girl it was just the clap.

Stay crazy Gonzo

On The Way To The Show

Tommy's usal worry had already been set into overdrive
due to a car that ran on some sort of strange voodoo
that seemed to hold it togather and keep it
from exploding well at least hopefully while we were in it.
Tommy was a ***** but he was a ***** with a car.

Susan silent in the passger seat sat there as
always driving my over active horney teenage
imagination insane as I struggled to think of anything
but the curves of her body and how she would look
without that low cut top  nothing more awkward
than a ***** in the backseat with your best friend beside you.


Who like a demented child would know doubt see your awkwardness
and being the true friend he was say hey look this ****
looks like he's ready to go camping he's already pitching a
tent.

Rick was proof the missing link did exist.
And unlike some people who were unfairly given
nicknames lived up to his with every breath he took
Rick the *****   what a **** of human to bad
he was my so called best friend.

But rick the ******  attention was not cast apon my
moment of utter utter awkwardness  and
soon to be blue flustration.
No he was to fasinated by are resting friend
Tabitha who's dont **** with me or i'll knock your **** in
the dirt mentallity was wasted on rick who
if he should ever come across sleeping beauthy
would probaly think  hey why not **** her.


Dude watch this ****** gonna be awsome.
rick had seemed to gain some sort of ninja
skill as his stealth like hands he must have gained
from trying to **** his sister.
Like some  ****** up car wreck or to big girls fighting
over the last cookie my eyes were transfixed
apon this sure to be disaster.

As this wasnt the best fuel for my situation
Ricks hand slowley slid his hand up her top
for ***** sake stop ****** I tried to say
but my mind was on auto pillot
and the crew was ready to party so to speak.

Rick's devilish glee was that of a child on christmas
who had probaly stole some other childs bike.
well that is till the sleeping dragon awoke.
Tabitha  like some  sleeping wolverine sprang
into action placing a wicked hit to the ***** that made
a sickening thud.

Once was best cause people like Rick could
always get a mail order bride and he
really shouldnt reproduce.

Tabitha much like mike tyson in his prime
had a lotta power  and little care on who she used it on.
As soon a slap met my already semi embaressed face.

What the **** tab?
Thats for going along with it ******.
Befor I could utter a another word another
smack greeted me now shut up *****.
So as any strong man would do comfronted by a
a she banshee awoken from her coma I shut the **** up.

But Tommy in his usal stages of male *** hadnt got the memo.
knock it the ******* back there.
I have to admit it was fun seeing tabithas fist colide into the back
Tommys head.

As Susan just remained silent probaly fearing for
her life.
As of to the Concert slash festival we went.
five friends and some human punching bags.
cramed togther in a vehicle slash death machine.
For one last party Me Rick, Tabitha,My mental *** partner Susan
And Tommy the ***** with the car.
Something told me this was gonna leave a mark.

The Princebles Office better known  as the Dragg queens lair.

This time it's it!
You demented twisted drunken *******.
from the veins that shown so easily from Sir Eltons  neck i could
tell it must be a bad hair day.
That and  he was trying to butter me up with all the compliments

****** harassment,Encouraged drug use,Public displays of insanity,
******* indecent act's with a animal oh wait that's the artist formely known as jack horner.

As this sad little dwarf from a strange planet called London ranted and rubbed the fact in my face that yet there was one rule i hadnt broken
****** man whats a girl gotta do to get some attention?

It's it ive gotta list of angry sensitive people who are friends with benfits  who  want you gone!
How could this be?
Had the world gone insane or caught some std that slowley eats away  
your brain slowley making you think that Justin Bieber had talent?

Dear lord it was reffer madness all over again.
Well Frodo theres only one solution I exclaimed.
His face red eyes mentally ******* me jesus man must have been
missing happy hour at the shire.

Well pippy  they'll all just have to go  im mean what would
funhouse be without a ***** old pervert  to feel up the costumers?
Dam you  Francis Ford Copela
What the hells wrong with you?

The question hung in the air like a **** in church
So many things made one Gonzo.
Not enough hugs  to little wild turkey.
And not using protection.
Remember kids always fasten your saftey belts get your heads outta the gutter.

The list read like a who's who of people who really needed
to get a life  or laid maybe even by there wife.
After hours okay maybe the rest of my bottle of wild turkey
it was decided  once again  i was the black sheep and no one
wanted to play anymore oh well i'll just do what the staff of the drag queens lair does and play with myself.

But enough with the foreplay children.
so many things i had learned  like  well ummm?
Okay maybe nothing at all  i knew i should have tuffed it out and
got through   kinder garden.

As I cleaned out my desk I reflected apon old times.
The laughter  the time i set fire to grandma's cat  and blamed it on my
little brother eventhough i didnt  have one.
Wait wrong memory.
  
The road ahead uncertin my mind unclear.
My inner child hurting in need of a really hot comfort cuddle maybe
from someone with a inner ****.

As I began my long walk of shame much like a woman who relized
she made a big mistake with her boss lastnight.
It's hell working in the family  business.

I passed old faces  all  pretty much thinking i was full of it as usal
turned and in my grown up ****** with a heart of gold voice said.

No one puts baby in a corner!
Sometimes you gotta  stand up for things  or do like me and blame it on others   and I cant belive  not even a single  free bottle of ***** or a concert  or maybe a lap dance  yeah  it's really went down hill
girlfriend oh snap.

Guess i'll just go  dont try to stop me.
Hmm tuff crowd   well  stay crazy amigos.
And as i closed the door i could feel the sadness.
There was a great racket coming from inside.

I knew it the heartbreak was so terrible these people were destroyed.
Why even as i opened   the door and saw them swingin from the hey what the ****?

All eye's turned  the music died.
Dear lord people  really?
Even my 50 pen names?

Im okay  well  the cake saying good riddance hurts a bit
But it taste great and the margarita's nice touch.
After such a outrage I was left with only one choice
steal as much **** as could  flip frodo the bird.
spike the punch   okay maybe  do a little dance make a  little
Gonzo once later  id demand  a blood test for and shut the hell up for good tonight.

The door slammed shut like my wifes legs after she relized her sisters baby  really had a strange fondness for wild turkey.
All sat around wondering will this long *** write ever end ?

Chris looked at the artist formely known as Jack Horner.
Speaking in that slow **** seductive  voice of his.
Ya think the crazy ******* is really gone.
To which my crazy amigo across the pond replyed.

**** no he does that every other week.
And besides  thats the door to the janitors closet.

the first time we kissed you initiated it
you were nervous (i think)
and i.. i wanted you.
so badly
to hold your hand
to feel your heart beat
to touch your lips with mine
i hadnt kissed anyone in over 6 months
i lost count; a blur of lips
and tastes,
and people who never even mattered even then in a fruitless attempt
to find a pair that rivaled yours
about a month ago, you reappeared
the second time we kissed (after about 2 yrs) i initiated it
and. it. was. wonderful.
in the morning you asked if you could kiss me again anytime soon
if it was alright
what i said was yes
but what i meant was
in the second kiss i realized yours are the only lips i could ever want for the rest of forever

The bottles were scattred monuments to beaten livers and bad decisions.
I awoke like any other morning okay afternoon hungover and to void of ***** to deal with
hampsters or flying monkeys .

The agony was what I was used to but the ringing in my head was altogather a diffrent matter.
it grew louder that constant annoying ring and to my suprize much like the voices in my head after my
usal sixpack and half pint of Wild Turkey it was still there.

It rang and rang and caused such a clatter I had to finally get up off my **** and see what the **** was the matter.
I opened the door to the pub to be met by a bright light jesus christ it was the rapture or one of thoose other
big hippie rock festivals dam you  lalapalooza!

But it was just then I remebred to put on my sunglasses.
That huge annoying lightbulb was a cruel ***** indeed.
Now in the realm of what most called the outdoors the noise was clear and to my suprize it was some
strangley dressed ****** slash recruiter for the Forein Legion or Salvation Army really whats the diffrence
ya see one fashion cult ya seen em all ohh snap!


The woman kept ringing the bell as if in some weird trance and like some strange witch she stood by a kettle
dear Lord! what if she was putting a curse on us all.

Hello sir care to make a donation?
It seems I could pay to keep the witch at bay why hadnt i thought of this scheme myself.
In a slurred voice i spoke to the witch in her native tongue most people call it english.
For ?
I said in a naughty school girl way inwhich a ***** ses to the teacher when she wants good grades
or a ride home with a happy ending.

It's to help the needy on Christmas.  
It seesm the pagan was raising funds for one of her bizzar rituals.
being the reporter with the heart of gold and not grain of sense I asked her to speak of this
strange custom.

It seems as though her good had had one to many and made another little hampster
so far this God sounded like someone I could enjoy a drink with.
Then he called on his homeboys to vist the little dude and give him some totally useless
gifts hope they kept the reciets cause ***** that crap give me a gallon of Turkey and a Xbox

She rambled on with her fairy tale and how now people seem to all give things to one another
On this strange holiday .
Boy like that will ever catch on sister .

She jingled her bell as i jumped and screamed like a little girl a very manly little girl may i add
dear lord woman !
That noise you may use your magic to scare other's into paying you but when I pay
a woman it usally ends in *** okay almost always.

She looked at me deepley she must have been undersing me with her eyes i felt so ***** in the right kinda way.
But enough with the foreplay children.
Are you insane?

The witch asked in a angry voice her grip on her bell tighten she spoke again.
get outta here  you ******.
Yeah i know she was totally into me.

Witch I know you've cast a spell on me so why toil with your silly made up holiday scheme.
Of all the pubs you could have decided to hook in front of you picked the home of
Hello's favorite guilty pleasure .
I say we cut through this silly spell  **** and go into the bar and i give you the most forgetable experience of your life.
Hey as long as im happy thats all that counts kids.

She paused caught deep in the moment then asked whats Hello?
Oh that was a site that used to be really fun and now really isnt.
She paused yet again pulling in her magic purse often used by witches
and candy **** singers like Justin Bieber!

She pulled from it some magic spray that blinded me.
the pain was terrible i herd her blow a whistle  lucky whistle.
Calling her warlocks who I feared were powerful and *****.

Soon I  found myself locked in a dungeon with other strange people all under spells.
there was a man dressed as a pagan God calling himself Santa
Seems he liked to play with his candy cane in public.
Yeah who doesnt?

The days passed and i was put through a horrible torture worse than having
to watch the O network or listening to Justin Beiber that musiacal ****.
I went days without  my ***** i was put into a strange state called sober.

Finally the curse was lifted as the guard showed me out he informed me
it was cause it was Christmas .
Dear lord !
The witch had  cast her spell over the world.

So as I sit in the confines of my Pub whiskey flowing like water.
I've learned beware of this bell ringing witch and her tales of strange Gods
and give or fall victem to her charms as did I.

Untill next time stay crazy hampsters.

like to keep my distance that kept us from chicory's moon-dark blue down in a swoon
and now, he said,
hear the narrow graves calling my questions with more questions you never wanted to
shine in his sphere.
But say
i hadnt meant it -
sulfur's tangy odor permeates the worm, canker, and the evenings;
go for it - a day is long
for the song unwritten score or a dream yet-to-be.

My big headed people said ity, i trusted, 'hiriz' has never dissapointed themy,
my hatred for non conformity, enormous, i surely hated the conformity truly,
i almost lost it for 'hiriz' sakey, **** it, ill never have wanted to lose this beauty,

i had it  weirdly thinking ablazey, loozing?, no, i hadnt  and  you n they didnt realize fastly,
loosing soo fast  about  lowly sinking sinly,curse all day i ,ever had thee meeting to lyfy,
wit all the  a vitue TRUELY INVESTMENT **** no lievly, forget me darl; once and  for ever dony

one more what you  waznyt quetly, cool openly, man must lively sweetly
that a day woud spoily truely, madly mey, sooooooo losty i had made a choisy,
refusing my being theiyyyyy, lucky  me doing, buty,  i love thater that am no longy

your timey was wanting by virtuey,  truey. luck **** spyty this shiety oul
endy began truely sure truelly, fukciey, its thats badyy, me lost it shortlley
man must livevy or diiey, truely, gotta  ity, man look for bread i wannaity


withought even hiriz it all worked welly, herey,  i am.  fu** like ity
dead

I thought you were everything to me. I now understand that I was wrong.

2. I thought hearing you say "goodbye" would cause my lungs to collapse, and my last breathe would feel like our last kiss, but you said goodbye and I smiled and waved, and our last kiss was nothing more than a peck on the cheek.

3. "I'll always be here for you" turned out to be a lie and I guess I should have seen that one coming, because I don't remember you saying one truthful thing, but for now I'm grateful that you hold the honesty of a snake because I'm the prey who got away.

4. I don't cry on the bathroom floor like I did when we were together. I guess I always assumed you were the medicine the doctors give you to calm you down, but now I see that you were the poison I was trying to escape.

5. I was never very good at following my instinct.

6. I'm not sad anymore.

like smoke
you drift apart

its a sad old cliche
your braided hair
lost
in the glare of sunlight
turned
to obliterate

i hadnt looked in years
i hadnt looked in years
but there you were
caught in my mind
loved without remorse

From white sakura in the garden way,
had gone the milky odor sprey.
and icy heart of flooding sense
that is not me ....
that pencil wispered to a paper sheet...
The sun kisses mountines , fields
Reflect on Caspian black waters ...
May be i dream of early twilight moon,
Ridding the pinky horse ....
that is not me ...
that pencil wispered to a paper sheet...
I sent the doves with posts
three or four indeed....but...
They hadnt been read .
may be they still in net...
You sang me the song on the old quatar,
fingers dance a melody ...Habibi ...
Are you alive ?
Then i greet you with hugs
Then ...i will die from hapiness
Just for you...Habibi !
Please be alive ...let me know ....
that is not me ...
that pencil wispered to a paper sheet...

youre right
maybe i didnt get enough
sleep last night
i couldnt possibly understand why
i could be tired
i fell asleep at 10
but i managed to wake up at two
i had to use the bathroom
i climbed back into bed
my stomach yelled at me,
screaming at me actually
i hadnt eaten in two days
i went back to the bathroom
i stepped on the scale
i lost two pounds
i smiled and it was 8 am
by that time
my day was about to start
i went to bed around 9 this time
i woke up at 1
went to use the bathroom
i fell on the way there,
accidentally of course
i broke my collar bone as a screamed in agony
i had not eaten in 5 months
i lost more than 70 pounds!
my stomach stopped screaming at me
i was over joyed
i didnt manage to break a rib
but i couldnt breathe
i was gasping for something to enter my lungs and nothing would
but ignored the mirage of pain
long enough for some
****** oxygen to enter my lungs
i went to bed at 8
i didnt wake up
at all
i hadnt eaten for 8 months

i tried some chillie peppers i hadnt eaten them before
after a couple of seconds my throat was feeling raw
it was very hot it wasnt very nice
i went to fridge and got myself some ice
jumping up down to the this red hot dance
running like a wildman steaming up my pants
then my throat cooled down again like it was before
i didnt like the peppers wont try them anymore

For a couple of toffs , I was lagging their loft ,
The size of a Polo Pitch ,
With thick fibreglass , of a " superior class ",
There wasnt a part of me that didnt itch .
Now I had a , full bladder ,
So climbed down the ladder ,
Left the hatch open , like the " barn , I was born in "
Desperate for a *** , though it wasnt through tea ,
I hadnt been offered a cup all morning .
And right there , I saw , a note taped to the door ,
Saying "TRADESMAN - USE THE TOILET DOWNSTAIRS ".
In the natural light, blinking , it got me thinking ,
Is MY ***** , so different to theirs ?
Ignoring the sign, I  crossed over the line
And entered "The Master Bathroom "
It was expensively tiled , a shame to defile,
Full of lotions , potions and perfume.
So I ****** in the sink , gave the mirror a wink
And was up to the loft like a thief .
Back home that night as I turned out the light,
I imagined them brushing their teeth .

tears drown & swallow my sacrifice whole while

twisting & tearing

my bleeding heart.

ever so gently scratching;

eating away the seeds

that have been planted

while we were apart

difficult to distinguish bad from good

i blow you my trust in a kiss

soft as satin;

shivering in fear

someone else could hold you dear

that you'll slip away

or worse yet you'll leave my mind

or wander astray from these weary eyes

begging for someone

anyone else

as anger rages like a tornado inside

and i swear on my life

that this will be the last time

the aching buried in my dreams want this to be the last time

the numbness in my soul i crave for

knows it wont be the last time.

wishing things were different

so i didnt have to argue

or stumble into knives

that drive down our spines

swearing up and down

we wished we hadnt met

or danced

thinking it will solve

pools of regret.

grazing cold fingers

down the sides of my cheeks again

i feel something break

plummeting

into a billion peices on your ***** bed

along with the rest of your life you dont care about.

arrogance seems to be your best feature

admitting there is no point explaining

what you already know

and choose to ignore.

you sit back content

wanting nothing more

staring with a blank expression as my bleeding heart

falls to the floor.

i remember your voice the first time we spoke.
how it stunned me, completely,
it was comforting.

you told me every secret.
i cried that night,
hearing you recite the last 5 years.

through my tears,
you whispered "why are you upset?"

i confessed, "i cant comprehend how someone with such a beauiful soul, could be hurt so much".

you told me i was too precious for this world.

i told you i wished i could wrap my arms around you.

i wonder if you realised how much i meant that.

i walked the most beautiful fields with him, and dreamed it was you.
im an inhabiter of a vicious cycle.
of altering reality.
but i had to, just to be with you.

you talked vividly about the places youd take me.
your words rang in my ears all day.

im at the beach, its beautiful and i wish you were here.

you stopped saying you wished that too.

i drew you.

i made you that playlist.

you never sent me yours.

maybe i knew that you would drift away as youd assured me,
maybe i didnt want to believe it.

i always asked you to draw me.
eventually you stopped saying you would.

i hadnt smiled so much in years, maybe
you oiled something rusty in me

i hadnt loved so dearly,
in so long.

you made me feel strong.
saying you would never let anyone hurt me.
i felt safe knowing that.
even though you were thousands of miles away.

last week you drew him.
you showed him the same bands you showed me
you called him the same nicknames you called me
i smiled bitterly
and asked how was he

youre gonna see eachother in autmn

you think that he might be the one

youre gonna end up being something.

i cant help feeling that he is everything i wasnt.

since we stopped talking,
they started bothering me again

when your passion stopped,
i was crying so much that i couldnt let you see me.

typed out on my keyboard
things i didnt want to tell you because i didnt want to get attatched.


tonight we talked.

you did not smile when you saw me.
you did not tell me that you missed me.
when i said i missed you.

i said it makes me sad but i could never blame you.
i said i cant help it because you're so special to me.

your eyes did not flicker with a single emotion.



i love you.

but i dont want you to know.

i want you to go.

like youd never existed.

she was the definition of not quite there
yet there all the same
she wore frills and colors when her mind was set
on success
she was unconventional beauty
effortlessly wandering
through his brainwaves and
to his heartstrings
she kissed and told
him she loved him
they filled eachother with promises kept
forever and never did they
harbour a secret in their hearts
which were torn each in a unique way
and each readily sought to mend the other
she shook when she was nervous
yet tremors hadnt bothered her
like so many times before
before he was there
before she felt his arms around her
before her heart skipped a beat
when she felt his soul touch hers
light eminated
life luminated

she gave herself to him
mind and body
readiness and wonder
limited exploration
with all greedy eyes and hands and lips

touch proved fatal to the innocence
a stare held more than three thousand words
spoken with fluidity
or meaning ever could
a stare into eyes like stars
like amethyst
like rainfall
a stare that stroked the heart
that stormed the brain

they who walked on planets hand in hand
never blinded by opression
or ignorance
arrogance or falsehood
but by love and love alone

he who would give her infinity
and she who would embrace it

clarity can be found in the most tenebrous abyss

i considered it a sneeze
more of a natural expulsion
of that which contaminates the spaces
between our mustaches and our medulla

no
something ejected and the room paused
most placed aside their drink
snuffed their cigarette
to see if you would pass away
smooth

chuckled
thats what you did after
and we breathed a sigh of relief
some glad that you hadnt seized up
others glad they didnt have to leave yet

either way
thanks

i wont buy you a triple meat again

Speaking from the storm  the madness is the perfect place to be.
The roads movement takes my mind from diffrent stages none of
which are sobber.

Like some acid test reject being told I've already had to much
when I hadnt even taken a single hit.
Oh  well  catholic  school was long behind me.

And reflecting apon sister  Mary I question  why any man would hold such a bizzar  fantasy  although  after that first beating when
I screamed out ****** woman  lets knock off the forplay
give me that paddle  no wonder the poor woman was shocked.

Thoose years  were great till they finally passed me **** how I was looking forward to my tenth prom  people see a grown man
at there door a case a beer under one arm  and some strange
flower thing in the other  asking for there seventeen year old daughter  and they assume your some kind of pervert.

Dam you Chris Hansen.
Yes then you turn to dating teachers but there only interested
in the  younger one's  ****** woman   wait hey  you used to be
in my class now your a teacher  growing up.
Ive herd most people are into it   but  that doesnt sound like
much fun.


But  now  that it was voted i could no longer go to summer camp.
Cause of legal issues   I have to join this  grown up world.
But like my best friend Timmy said life  really ***** sometimes
Gonzo.

Yes Timmy you are wise for a ten year old  you know you really shouldnt be drinking   that mix of cookies ***** and red bull
is a wicked one indeed   trust me I learned that at three.

Well  as I down six heinekens  take a few uppers  chop a line
down seven shots of wild turkey just to take the edge off befor work.

I fix my tie  and **** it up.
cause that school bus isnt gonna drive itself.
That and thoose kids parents  are goona be worried.
Sometimes thoose field trips just get outta hand.

Hell they needed to brush up on there spanish.
Well untill  this is Gonzo saying stay crazy and avoid being caught sober  blame it on the *****  adios.

dear someone I love,
i'm so angry
maybe not at you but at myself
because you didnt reciprocate my love for you
your love was lust
but the way you kissed me I swear you loved me back
but all this talk
all these comments
were just a desire to be something other than lovers
and it hurt... hurts, so bad
because I think I did love you
you were like a day off from work for the first time in months
a sip of orange juice in the morning
a stormy day after it hadnt rained for too long
and I needed your desire
but you did not need mine
"I'm sorry. I didnt know"
neither did I.
why can't anyone love me and want me the way I do for them?
you'd cancel on me
and that's when i knew
you didnt, and dont, love me back
and you never will.

I lay in bed at night rehearsing all my moves,
I have nothing left to lose,
And everything to prove.
My mind is on and I can't shut it off,
I feel a bit crazy, a little distraught.
I'm not sure that I can trust how I feel after all,
I seem to constantly build myself up just to watch myself fall.
As sick and twisted as that may sound,
I rather enjoy my spirits lying upon the ground.
Because if I'm not happy there's no guilt to face.
Because.if you hadnt realized yet I'm very fond of this place.
I can hide in the shadow of who I use to be,
and everyone I use to know will look right past the new me.
Because that's what I want and that's what I need,
While I complete the search for all the pieces of me.

You know what i hate the most
Well not really
Its impossible to know what you hate the most
But anyway
What i hate the most is that i cant be crazy
I cant use the 'back door' as tge joker describes it
I have on countless occasions imagined myself freaking out
Storming through the house breaking things
Grabbing my mothers wallet
And leaving the house
Surviving off the streets
And my mothers credit card
I have imagined
That i would get involved in drugs and alcohol
Start hanging with the wrong crowd
Doing anything for the next dose
I have imagined immersing myself in a world of lust
Constanyly searching for ***
The newest *****
And then doin anything to enhance the experience
I have imagined myself having a mental breakdown
Becoming crazy
Doing things that can onky be excused by madness
Being given a straight jacket
Being forcefed pills
Living in a padded cell unable to **** myself
Coz even if i starve myself they will make sure i survive
I have imagined cutting myself
Living in a world of private torment
Until the pain becomes too much
Then i spend three weeks writing my suicide note
Because my emotions are so hard to peg
Coz i have spent my entire life hiding and running away from them
And so far i have succeded
And then i get the rope
Get the suit and spend three days 'gracefully defiling' it as my last piece of art
Then i burn it all because im too scared to do it
Then i restart
I have imagined that i sseek solace in violence
In crime

Stealing small things
Getting angrier and angrier
Ubtil i **** someone
Then spend my life in prison
I have imagined that i become a famous writer
Feeling empty and lonely
Fi ding the woman i love and wishing i hadnt
Because i end up killing myself and hurting her
I have imagined tgat i stop ****
Become a nobel peace prize winner
Become famous
Then die without the right woman
I have imagined that i am a gamous singer
But end up killing myself coz the fame is too much
And the attention drives me over the edge
I have imaginex that i go to sleep and not wake up
To go peacefully
Coz thats wgat i ****
Peace
I have imagined that my family throws me out and i fend for myself
I work hard
Survive by washing cars
Or working a petrol pump
I have imagined that my whole family dies
Then i choke up coz i love them so much i cqnt continue with this ******* illusion
And i  the end i cant do it all
In the end im just a ******* little boy with depression
In the end i want to cut but am so scared that i cry myself to sleep
In the end im a little boy that refuses to take medication
Because tgat is his way of defying this disease
In the end im a boy that says things like 'this is my way of defying the disease' but actually im just so scared
In the end i lie fo myself to make it better
In the end i know im lying but i still do it
In the end i still believe .it And i wish this was the end but its not
Coz ill probably die
Married to a woman i love
But never being able to do what i love
Because I care about other people so much I would give them anything for them to be happy

My darling please don't whisper
I don't want to miss a line
But this vet is hard at hearing
Been blown up to many times
Please watch what you put on for us
My flashbacks aren't a good thing
One sound just one round
The memorial of emotions they can bring
I fired for you

See I didn't leave it all with the service
I still carry weight in my shoulders
Yes I made it back, but not the same
Somethings they knew but hadnt told us
I was forced to draw scars
On the skin of men with bravery not unlike my own
taught to fight, ammo with ammo
To stand for their people, fight for their homes
I fired for you

So forgive me if I shiver when you hold me
I'm told comfort always comes before the storm
I've lost so many friends to complacency
When death came knocking at the door
Many times disguised in the body of a young man
He only just learned to tie his shoes
And now he's killing in this waste land
A bullet aimed with intentions, I fired for you

A good soldier doesn't ask questions
Without a pause He follows orders
He does not sleep on beds of pillows
He rests his head on enemy mortars
You remember a man with hazel eyes
This soldiers pupils stained in crimson
I could tell you tales of freedom given
At the price of lives lost if you would listen
I fired for you
So no I'm not the same
As when I left so many months ago
I run from times of commitment
Find familiarity on beds of broken bones
I run from the unfamiliar feeling of my own home
How could this be where I am
Your kiss so close to mine
There was a day, id contemplate
How I could ever reach it in a lifetime
I fired to get back to you

I forgot how to be a lover
while I was out there fighting
A light lit for love long ago
Blew out with battle, its not shining
But I'm trying
To taste the fruits of my sacrifice
To enjoy
Cause I still have a life
I fired so I could come back to you

But the cries of my fallen brothers
Haunt even my day dreams
I find no comfort
In the illumination day brings
Its you that saves me
That gives me an inch of hope
To stow my heart on
In a river of regrets that runs a mile long
I fired for you