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loosing a lover when you've fallen in love
i remember your voice the first time we spoke.
how it stunned me, completely,
it was comforting.
you told me every secret.
i cried that night,
hearing you recite the last 5 years.
through my tears,
you whispered "why are you upset?"
i confessed, "i cant comprehend how someone with such a beauiful soul, could be hurt so much".
you told me i was too precious for this world.
i told you i wished i could wrap my arms around you.
i wonder if you realised how much i meant that.
i walked the most beautiful fields with him, and dreamed it was you.
im an inhabiter of a vicious cycle.
of altering reality.
but i had to, just to be with you.
you talked vividly about the places youd take me.
your words rang in my ears all day.
im at the beach, its beautiful and i wish you were here.
you stopped saying you wished that too.
i drew you.
i made you that playlist.
you never sent me yours.
maybe i knew that you would drift away as youd assured me,
maybe i didnt want to believe it.
i always asked you to draw me.
eventually you stopped saying you would.
i hadnt smiled so much in years, maybe
you oiled something rusty in me
i hadnt loved so dearly,
in so long.
you made me feel strong.
saying you would never let anyone hurt me.
i felt safe knowing that.
even though you were thousands of miles away.
last week you drew him.
you showed him the same bands you showed me
you called him the same nicknames you called me
i smiled bitterly
and asked how was he
youre gonna see eachother in autmn
you think that he might be the one
youre gonna end up being something.
i cant help feeling that he is everything i wasnt.
since we stopped talking,
they started bothering me again
when your passion stopped,
i was crying so much that i couldnt let you see me.
typed out on my keyboard
things i didnt want to tell you because i didnt want to get attatched.
tonight we talked.
you did not smile when you saw me.
you did not tell me that you missed me.
when i said i missed you.
i said it makes me sad but i could never blame you.
i said i cant help it because you're so special to me.
your eyes did not flicker with a single emotion.
i love you.
but i dont want you to know.
i want you to go.
like youd never existed.
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