i was a worn dollar bill
folded and unfolded and crumpled so many times
that even the smell of worth had all but been rubbed off
those who rushed past stopped once or twice to ask me what was wrong
offering to carry those heavy bags under my eyes
not even they could bear the weight
they’d leave after a while, dropping condolences on their way
a trail of breadcrumbs i couldn’t bring myself to eat, let alone follow
sometimes i sang to the birds, the only things that would wake with me in the cold mornings
i washed my hands in freezing water
to jolt my nerves; to make them feel
to remind them they are part of me
and i am human
and i must feel
i carved my heart out for nothing
and it left me with a broken ribcage
slashed thighs and the marks from cigarettes
(i still won’t let him touch me there)

my life is a sweeping motion
of fleeting moments and
sweet whispers

i fell in love with you
as swiftly and slowly as a dream
and into the abyss we settled
together like sediments
in rain puddles
and you told me
i was beautiful

i fell in love with myself all the while
examining every line on my face
like they would fade out the next day
i came to memorize the ***** of my neck
the crook of my nose
and the bow atop my lip

my beauty is resonant
it sits on every word i say
shines through every glance i give
shocks those whom i touch
exuberant, blinding
i am sweet to the senses
i am fierce
fearsome
fearless
i am beautiful

my head is a thin glass vase
filled with remnants of dried flowers
and new buds and vibrant leaves
my heart is a paper lantern
vibrant, glowing
my body is a chandelier
made of sweet roses
icicles and papier-mache

do not touch me
for i will break

‘i feel violated’ she said with a laugh
flirting at the boy who just poked her
as I stared from across the table
the words repeating in my brain
like a broken record
he smiled and said “you like it”

She agreed

I wanted so badly to stand up and yell
to stand up and yell until my lungs gave up
until I got my point across
but I knew it would never happen

you don’t know violation until you stand in the shower
for hours, crying
praying, praying to someone you have no faith in
that maybe the pain will stop
you don’t know violation until you scrub what’s left of your self-worth
off of your chafing skin and the inside of your *******
although you know you’ll never wear them again
you don’t know violation until you have to cover up the bruises
with sweaters and long jeans and makeup
in the middle of august
you don’t know violation until you stay up all night
because the feeling of his hands and himself against you
prevents even the slightest hope of sleep
and what rest you get is plagued by the thoughts of his cocky smile
and the cold steel he placed on your neck and on the back of your head
you don’t know violation until you find a new love
yet you’re so **** terrified when he touches you
that you shrink back and start to shake
even if all he wanted was to stroke your cheek
and to tell you how beautiful you are
even if he meant everything he said
it still takes so much time to trust him
and you don’t know violation until you open up to your family
the ones you trust
and all they do is warn you not to dress so inappropriately
don’t you know how a boy’s mind works
don’t be a harlot
you don’t know violation
until your innocence is taken away from you
and in society’s eyes
you’re the only one to blame

I pulled on an oversized sweater
to stop my hands from shivering as I typed my soul out to you
I arranged the alphabet into a story
made only for you to ball up
and throw into the chute
down to the garbage pit in the back of your mind
it was thanksgiving and
you packed my things
and you left
everything the way it was
incomplete
you
left
me
standing in my room
twelve years old and confused
the grand return came
as I conquered ninth grade
and I pulled on oversized sweaters
to stop my mind from wandering towards the mirror
listening intently to my stepmother’s words
and the drunken cries to God
you wept yourself to sleep on the porch every night
and what was I to do but wonder
fourteen and impressionable
you left again
to find a better life than the bottle could supply
you wrote me letters on Tuesdays
signed with an Ichthys and a verse
and I pulled on oversized sweaters
to stop the chills that sank deep into my heart
on nights when I needed someone who wasn’t there
and found someone who
didn’t need to be there in the first place
sixteen and licentious
you came back
and stopped leaving
found contentedness in the bottom of a Bible
etsi deus non daretur
and I pulled on oversized sweaters
to silence the questions brought forth by my past.

did you find your words helpful?
were they meant to shape the minds of
the young girls, to teach them lessons
on how to please you,
or the young boys who were taught that
they deserved to be pleased
by us, the apparent human toy
perfectly wound, fit to the T?
unfortunately we aren’t fine-tuned
to the preset standard of your
preset mind, we are unique
we are beautiful
we are more than what we wear
and what we choose not to wear
more than a made up face,
more than a natural face
more than our ******* and our ***
we more than “entertainment”
we hold the future in the palm
of our wombs
and are entitled to the hair on our heads
arms
and face
and that will not be taken away
by anyone
we weren’t made to impress you
to make you comfortable
to appropriate our minds and our bodies
to your set-in-stone, biased view
of what a real woman should look and act like
a real woman is what she wants to be
not clay
for you to fit inside a corrupt
societal mold

they say that when
the chain of your necklace is twisted
it means someone is thinking about you
well, you must think of me often
i constantly fix it
back into a straight line
as i daydream of you
my heart beats
silent, deafening thumps
that spell out your name
i would stand my ground
but it is rather difficult
when i keep falling for you
and until the day i saw you
and felt that wonderful warmth
of you beside me
i hadn't quite realized
just how small my hands were