"farted" poems
only an idiot like me, the rain poured down, my socks were wetted, and i looked at the pavement for glory, instead i found a £10 note and imagined my right shoe on my left leg, and my left shoe on my right leg... just to prove the luck.
it came from listening to rotting christ's kata
ton daimona...
i wrote the poem on two tesco receipts
numbering them no. 1 - .4,
it made sense to just give it a narrative...
the naturally apparent lisp of greek is due to...
lies between theta (θ) and phi (φ)...
check feta cheese... it might be less morbidly fermented...
that's why the greeks have a natural lisp...
it's theta and it's phi...
in english it's like chinese.... w & r...
something's rolling something's waving,
something's trigonometric...
harrison fowd was almost jonathan woss if i care...
the chinese in english debate with chin-chin-wanker
scissors piece of paper stone good luck on the handshake:
lost the price of interest being gained for excavation
purposes of dinosaur bones and inflation via the
ptertodactyl of the extended mohawk shave...
english dicionary makes me confused...
it places theta alongside the, than... but then
it's therapy... thermometer...
too many unique examples i'd have said...
that's the lisp there... sidelined phew and engaged in phew
in byzantine...
english linguistics is filled with too many "unique" examples
of expression... coupled with the celebrity culture...
i farted and a person took hold of a *** squeeze...
how's that?! english language in summary?
pleasing on the eye... but the spelling? a burden on the tongue.
i know that slavic linguistics would make enlgish that's written
ugly...
it wouldn't be pharmacology but farmacology...
then it made sense, i stopped asking the english dicta
written down, the greek θ wasn't a couple of th & etc...
a few athenains in death metal said it like i said it... the 2nd f...
it was απηθανoν - because it was simply athens - fern fence...
and not d... defence, or anything easily acquired as a prescription
of zee wee point of german scottish.
Dec 10, 2015
Dec 10, 2015 at 7:04 PM UTC
But soft, what flatulence through yonder rancid window breaks. If it is the east, well then I’m heading west.
I wish I could recite this and I wouldn’t be talking about my life, but life is fair… just not for me. So I dive right in unfortunately. And I bask and I bask and I bask. Hold on, wait, please allow me to retract, as this occurs numerously within occupation. I firstly divide the **** cheeks, as if Moses dividing the seas. Like Jesus I break bread… anyways… my life is literally spent with my nose sandwiched between numerous people’s backsides. This brings me to my next point… I love my job… because I love people. My favorites are obese people because they suffocate me and for a brief moment I am without consciousness and have not a clue of my reality. The people I do it for the most though are the unstable people, you know?... the people with digestive problems that are so unstable they sometimes slip and instead of their body gas I am left with a face that looks like a diarrhea toilet. I am a poet though and therefore I hold onto the only significant job related poem that I’ve seen on our restroom walls… “Here I sit lonely hearted, came to **** but only farted.”
Oct 17, 2012
Oct 17, 2012 at 1:46 PM UTC
Once there was an old woman
who had tremendous bad farts,
And this is where our story begins
this is where it all starts.
Her farts were just awful
they'd stink up and ****
They'd make babies cry louder
and make all the roses wilt
When she walked into town
her farts wouldn't stop
A green stink cloud would follow
wherever she'd walk
"Whats that AWFUL smell?!"
people would exclaim
Then they'd all point to the old lady
who always suffered the blame
Due to these consequences
the old lady was lonely
How much she longed for love,
and just a place that felt homely.
They say there's someone special
for each and every soul
Even for stinky old ladies
and that's why this story is told
When fate intervenes
no one can really say
Whats meant for you or me
or what makes old lady's day.
For one day old Miss Stinky
was walking through a store
She met a perfect gentleman
who held open her door
He didn't run away
like all the other people
He came up to Old Miss Stinky
and oh how she got so feeble!
He fell in love
with all of old Miss Stinky
To her **** bombs and green clouds
he said "Oh wow, That's real *****
You can never know
when your special someone comes by
For If stinky old ladies find happy endings
why shouldn't I?
Now she's not alone
just happily farting each day
They had a huge hazmat-mask wedding
and he swept happy old Miss Stinky away
Nov 4, 2014
Nov 4, 2014 at 9:34 AM UTC
I dated a girl, a pretty gal
I dated her and her pooch pal
You had to like her dog Pogo
You had to, or it was a no go.
She took the thing everywhere
And never in a pet carrier.
It was sort of a turnoff to me;
A kind of no-intrusion barrier.
Scoochie up to poochie
Or you I wouldn’t get no *******
Otherwise I was a pimple.
It was really just that simple.
She had the ugliest mutt
That I ever saw before
Like a brown **** rug
That was left outdoors.
It snuffled through teeth
That were hideously parted.
I thought it was stuffed
Until the creature farted.
Scoochie up to poochie
Or you I wouldn’t get no *******
Otherwise I was a pimple.
It was really just that simple.
I got nothing against animals
And I really do like dogs
But they should look like pups
Not chimera or warthogs.
I’d overcome the boundaries
Whenever I got the chance
But that ugly canine lump of fur
Put the kibosh on romance.
Scoochie up to poochie
Or you I wouldn’t get no *******
Otherwise I was a pimple.
It was really just that simple.
Sep 11, 2015
Sep 11, 2015 at 5:16 PM UTC
My sister boasted to me one night in a Liverpool pub
She had *** with a couple of coppers down the Mersey Tunnel.
'You're nothing bit a fat slapper' I scolded her,
As she examined the selfie I had taken
Just a few moments earlier of me
And her best friend up against the ladies' bog door.
"Good likeness, innit?" I commented and the
She farted stentoriously in surprise and,
The follow-through oozed down her dimpled thigh.
Feb 7, 2016
Feb 7, 2016 at 7:07 PM UTC
तत् त्वम् असि
*for sitar, mridangam, vina, musical spoons,
washboard, Jew’s harp and banjo*
(*the names Swami and Guru-ji can be replaced by
any other mystic names the reader wishes to substitute*)
Swami and Guru-ji went to the river
to wash their souls in the ***** water
filled brass pots while they were at it, singing:
“These are Gods –
worship them, worship them,
these are Gods –
won’t you worship them please”
Guru and Swami-ji flexed contortions
twisted minds and limbs in knots
sold each other secret mantras
to erase akashic records when the body rots
Swami and Guru-ji taught disciples
how to fast and hum and chant;
bound their ***** with priestly garments, saying
“These are Gods – worship them, worship them,
these are Gods – won’t you worship them please”
Guru and Swami-ji swallowed prana
purged their guts, then farted light
launched their chakras into oneness
in the ida and pingala of their third-eye sight
Swami and Guru-ji built a temple
around a monstrous calf of gold
bowed before the six-armed idols chanting
“These are Gods –
worship them, worship them,
these are Gods –
won’t you worship them please”
Guru and Swami-ji studied parchments
by the dim light of a feeble ray
railed and wailed at the sinful heathen
in the filthy Kali-yuga of the dying day
Swami and Guru-ji made ablutions
offered incense and holy foods
ate their share and smoked the profit, humming
“These are Gods – worship them, worship them,
these are Gods – won’t you worship them please”
Guru and Swami’s blissed devotions
entwined their members with the temple belles;
stuck their yonis up their lingams
in the twenty-seventh circle of the seven hells.
Swami and Guru-ji offered puja
wrote it all off as a karmic debt –
forced a shudra to bear the burden, screaming
“These are Gods –
worship them, worship them,
these are Gods –
won’t you worship them please”
Guru and Swami-ji meditated:
pure omniscience in eternal now –
drank fresh ***** from a heifer’s bladder
for they knew that it was soma from a holy cow.
Swami and the Guru merged with Brahman –
then went home to the wife and kids.
Told the servants to polish statues, saying
“These are Gods – worship them, worship them,
these are Gods – won’t you worship them please”
THE MORAL:
(slower solemn rhythm, no banjo or Jew’s harp)
Aaron’s calf is ground to powder,
cast upon the Ganges’ tide.
Every tribe shall taste its poison.
“This is God –worship Him, worship Him –
this is God – let us worship Him now…”
Sep 11, 2015
Sep 11, 2015 at 8:33 AM UTC
Far, far away, in a kingdom long ago,
There lived a ***** King who had a **** made out of gold.
He ****** his royal Queen, he ****** his royal Knights,
He shoved it in the Chambermaids, and up his Horse--did twice!
From the Page-boys down, to the Peasants in the fields,
He even ****** the Flowers whilst reaching for a feel,
-Of his farting **** to scratch up and down,
'Then he headed through the forest to **** the whole ****** Town!
If you seem to wonder why this King continually ****** and Farted,
Perhaps this poem will teach you a lesson on how Government was started!
Jul 1, 2010
Jul 1, 2010 at 9:55 AM UTC
and this here is the
*** of a drunken shitbird
yeah, I just farted
Mar 10, 2015
Mar 10, 2015 at 1:45 PM UTC
When things were going great
we'd eat transcendental dinners,
we'd take livers
in rainbow saucers
and ladle them
in tartar sauce
until our mouths
were full of salt,
sometimes we'd go to Thai China
and make interstellar fighters
out of the wise guts
of
cream-colored Starships.
But the nights when we went
to Burger King were the greatest,
we'd have simple dinners:
99 cent burgers
and fries like elephant ears,
we'd sit in our booth
in the corner,
you farting ketchup
out of like
twenty packets
into a red **** pile,
and I farted
like
twenty farts
out of my ***
but I like
simple things;
they are natural
even if they don't sound
that way.
Feb 9, 2012
Feb 9, 2012 at 12:27 AM UTC
I remember once I farted, in a packed lift,
My two cheeks really parted, if you get my drift
I almost had a heart attack, the sound was so clear,
It was indeed a mighty crack, that everyone could hear.
Now everyone turned red, but I was really blessed
as nothing more was said, I presumed no one had guessed.
Some looked at their feet, others at the wall
But no pair of eyes did meet, no one looked at me at all.
But no one could deny there was an awful hum
And I had to wonder why I was cursed with such a ***
Dear God, it was bad, worse than ever before
Was it the curry I had? I will not eat it any more.
On no! this can’t be happening, I felt my two cheeks part
This one much more sickening, what some would call a “shart”
Though I tried to look innocent, as detached as I could be
I knew what those looks meant and they were directed at me
We all held our breath, no one dared to breathe
We all faced certain death if the smell did not recede
We all wanted the top floor which was thirty stories high.
Would someone open the door or would we all be left to die
Thank God for ventilation, it really saved the day
For in case of flatulation it will take the smell away
Well I was so relieved, it was quite a close call
And I would not have believed what happened next at all
The lift it just stopped dead, a million to one chance
I thought I’d lose my head but instead I filled my pants.
I learned one thing that day, well at least it keeps me happy
I won’t get in a lift, No Way! without first putting on a *****
Jun 3, 2015
Jun 3, 2015 at 3:43 AM UTC
Here I sit broken hearted,
Tried to **** but only farted
later on i took my chance
tried to **** and **** my pants
Nov 18, 2014
Nov 18, 2014 at 7:23 AM UTC
This is going to be painful for me. These folks think they're so heavy, evil, dark, and mysterious. (Ahem) Next to the crab, you are one of the biggest wimps the Universe ever farted out. Don't even ask for backup in a fight with these people, their excuse is, "I wasn't really sure what was going on!" With your low energy, you can barely fly unless you have been a constant train wreck, I may throw you scrap of respect. You just barely have the *** department down and I have kicked many a stinger out of bed. Emotional inside like a bag of **** lit on fire! You can't escape from the bag of your own **** show. No wonder you're so angry, all you do is repeatedly sting yourself to death. What a stupid species you are, indeed!
Advice: Stop with the whole tough guy/girl front. Everyone knows that when someone throws their hands back at you, you run away and cry in the corner like the little **** you are. So quit with the heavy and join Cancer.
Jul 1, 2015
Jul 1, 2015 at 9:02 PM UTC
I farted in a lift today
I know now
That is wrong
on so many levels.
Sep 23, 2012
Sep 23, 2012 at 4:53 PM UTC
Out Behind the Barn
me and Jimmy Dickens
were in the barnyard feeding chickens
we were both 11 about that time
when up the road came Susie Kasper
with her cousins Ted and Jasper
a couple of teens headed for a life of crime
they signaled out to us
I could hear Teddy cuss
they walked up and whipped out a couple of butts
they said here take a puff
if you like this I got better stuff
so I did just like a dumb old klutz
I coughed and I wheezed
I farted and then I sneezed
my eyes were leaking like a sieve
Jimmy was smarter I guess
but he too finally said yes
took a hit and felt the burn of a shiv
we both puked as they laughed
it was there very special craft
they always managed to make you look like a fool
but they patted us on the backs
said boys now just relax
you won't learn a lesson like this in no school
then Susie gave me a big wet kiss
wow sure wasn't expecting this
I was in a trance until I heard this horn
it was my mom back from the store
she yelled someone help me with this door
but I was busy gettin educated out behind the barn
Gomer LePoet....
Sep 20, 2011
Sep 20, 2011 at 3:44 PM UTC
While out walking with my girlies
Felt a feeling in my curlies
No need to say just what
Had made that feeling in my ....(nether regions shall be used here....but feel free to rhyme away)
I ran into the nearest store
I knew what I was looking for
No need now to name the brand
You'll all know later where I stand
It's obvious who came to visit
You never really want to miss it
Unless you're trying for a kid
Then everyone knows what you did
No need now to be so coarse
But later riding on a horse
I felt a sudden urge to swim
It came to me just on a whim
So off I went out to the pool
Standing there just like a fool
My Esther Williams gene arrived
And on the count of three....I dived
I was great, I did astound
Thankfully..no sharks around
But as I finished in the water
I thought...well now I think I oughta...
Go out running for a while
In four minutes I'd done a mile
Incredibly, I had a feeling
For a cup of good Darjeeling
So I took a small time out
Before I had a boxing bout
Now, this I thought I'd never done
But then again, it could be fun
I was surprised, for I'm quite meek
I only hoped I didn't leak
Remeber when this whole thing started
It wasn't cause I thought I'd farted
Now, truth be told I cannot lie
I'd never give these things a try
But on tv....I saw an ad
And women do these with their pad
So, Playtex is the brand I like
And now I'm off to ride my bike!!!
So slap one on to be athletic
Then you won't be so pathetic
Buy one box and get two free
Playtex is the brand for me!!!
May 3, 2012
May 3, 2012 at 5:02 PM UTC
****
**** I felt like I could not stop
It felt too good when I’d pop
9 months later we’d have our crop
All came from a single drop
**** now we’re dealing with problems of the sort
Looks like we are headed to court
Could have been avoided if she’d just abort
And now I’m destined for child support
**** I don’t even know how it started
She was much more than half hearted
Otherwise we would have parted
Usually they do once I’ve farted
**** I’m not a role-model, do not mimic
Not trying to sell you no gimmick
Believe me man, it was no picnic
I spent 6 months in that clinic
**** she passed on a burn
Didn’t know right away but soon I’d learn
That her **** was filled with concern
I guess that’s karma cause now it’s my turn
****
Jul 12, 2010
Jul 12, 2010 at 10:41 AM UTC
Was catching up on some beauty sleep
When up the stairs I heard something creep
Was very dark, the middle of the night
Actually **** the bed, such a terrible fright
Ugly, clumsy too, big mouth with it's teeth bared
Couldn't move from my bed even if I had dared
Froth coming from it's mouth, twas heavy breathing
Felt like my worst nightmare but I wasn't dreaming
Ugly thing was getting closer now, right at the door
Blanket up over my head, couldn't take any more
It belched and farted continuously, much to my disgust
I took a peek and it's eyes were now full of wanton lust
"Please spare me" I begged and I was starting to cry
"Don't **** me you monster, I am too young to die"
Ugly thing just laughed and peeled off it"s clothes
Jumped into bed next to me and I instantly froze
Dark and with no glasses, I was visually impaired
Started praying to God, hoping I would be spared
Laughing it went under the blanket, starting to *****
Cold grip on my ***** I was starting to loose all hope
Gained some strength, enough to turn on the bed light
Lifted the blanket then and got an even bigger fright
Confronted I was by an ugly face and pair of big *****
Was not a monster at all, twas only the wife in the ****
Seems the girls night out had come to a very early end
Wife was terribly drunk and I guess, so were her friends
I jumped out of bed then thinking no way can I **** it
Ran to the lounge as she shouted "Bring me a bucket"
Knew she would be spewing all night, it never fails
When she drinks two hundred or so strong cocktails
Believe me people, my missus drunk is not a pretty sight
If you ran into her in the dark, you too would get a fright
Oct 22, 2014
Oct 22, 2014 at 5:57 PM UTC
Out Behind the Barn
me and Jimmy Dickens
were in the barnyard feeding chickens
we were both 11 about that time
when up the road came Susie Kasper
with her cousins Ted and Jasper
a couple of teens headed for a life of crime
they signaled out to us
I could hear Teddy cuss
they walked up and whipped out a couple of butts
they said here take a puff
if you like this I got better stuff
so I did just like a dumb old klutz
I coughed and I wheezed
I farted and then I sneezed
my eyes were leaking like a sieve
Jimmy was smarter I guess
but he too finally said yes
took a hit and felt the burn of a shiv
we both puked as they laughed
it was there very special craft
they always managed to make you look like a fool
but they patted us on the backs
said boys now just relax
you won't learn a lesson like this in no school
then Susie gave me a big wet kiss
wow sure wasn't expecting this
I was in a trance until I heard this horn
it was my mom back from the store
she yelled someone help me with this door
but I was busy gettin educated out behind the barn
Gomer LePoet....
Jul 6, 2013
Jul 6, 2013 at 9:46 AM UTC
She wore a Golden Salamander (brooch)
That's quite a lizard you got there, I said
"Lizard!" she replied quite affronted, "that's no lizard, that's my Golden, my Golden Salamander",
So what does it stand for then this, this Golden Salamander, I asked
" What does it stand for, my Golden Salamander!!! ", she almost shrieked, " it stands for Strength, Courage and Fortitude, qualities you've probably never even heard of! "
O! I replied, I thought it might have meant you were just one slippery customer,
"Well, what creature would you have to encapsulate your qualities I wonder", she said, "I bet you have none".
O! But I do, I said surprising her, and then...then I whipped it out, hidden behind my shirt, a necklace, I showed it to her.
" It's...it's a Scorpion ", she said,
No! I corrected her, it's...it's a Black Scorpion
She gave a little gasp, and then she started to stammer
" You... you're... you're not Him, are you, you're not the... the real...the real Black Scorpion "
Guilty as charged I answered with a little bow, at your service Mom,
Well suddenly her glass, it fell to the floor as her hands they rushed to cradle her face
And then she let out this fearful roar
"It's!... It's the Black Scorpion!!!"
Suddenly the whole room it went quiet, all the music and chatter coming to an abrupt halt as every head turned in our direction
Then the next moment... Sheer Pandemonium had broken out
As glasses were tossed aside, tables and chairs overturned as a hundred frenzied guests scrambled toward the door to get out
But...but it was too late, Me! I'd already...farted
You see I wasn't really The Black Scorpion at all, I'd only been pretending, messing about
Secretly all the time, all along I'd really been just...yea!
I'd just been The Blue Skunk, The Blue Skunk in disguise.
Mar 17, 2021
Mar 17, 2021 at 4:56 PM UTC
sometimes i sit and wonder why,
i'm staring at this screen,
if you don't like x-factor,
you wil know what i mean.
one night i had a curry,
doc martin had just started,
she had her taste of karma,
as i let rip, and farted.
moaning bout the pungent fumes,
say's i'm very rude,
but she's the one to blame,
she cooked the ******* food.
laughing loud at noise and smells,
omitted from my belly,
screwed up face, holds her nose,
and tries to watch the telly.
Feb 16, 2010
Feb 16, 2010 at 12:17 PM UTC
Dot 1
Draw
join the dots
here we go
he likes lemon tarts
does not eat carrots
make him ****
as his friends all know
and tell him so
brain of planets
Dot 2
the straight line makes the image well
slipping down the perpendicular
on to
Dot 3
still cannot tell
Dot 4
is that an eye
or a yes
Dot 5
carrot seep into the night
I farted
Dot 6
lines are sticks
pick them up
you never know when dot eleven will come about
data what is this?
The thing in my brain
Dot 7
is that what you want
in turn for free ******* yoghurt
we playing deal or no deal
Dot 8
let's get this straight
before I forget all about you
you asking me this
click on the boxes
your views
for your client
Dot 9
Dot 10
**** the right off
the picture is clear to me
thank you
Day Tar go to hell.
Sep 26, 2018
Sep 26, 2018 at 2:25 PM UTC
dragons in my dreams
drag queens on my streets
where was I to hide?
falling
through toxic clouds
of atomic belched aphorisms
holding my nose ‘til my lungs
screamed primal screams
that nobody ever heard
with their ears stopped
like the rowers of Ulysses
while he listened to the
sirens
I heard them too, I heard them, I HEARD them
faintly,
like the whiffed spread of black buzzards’ wings before the ****
but the sirens have beards, those wily wenches
and smell of cat ****
naked enough to have me covet
what they are not
I want them, I need them
for I don’t know what bliss is
bliss, bliss, bliss
is that what I sought?
is that what sages taught?
when they had me kneel
and put a wreath upon my head
told me to chant, silently, inwardly
told me there was no shortage of truth
I heard them, cherished every word,
no matter how absurd
because I thought they could help me fly
but then I choked on the smoke
from their farted anointed flames
that filled the sky I was told was blue
it was not only me
to whom they lied
who would not fall prey to their fiery shafts?
but when I awoke, they were not there
and all that was left in the waking world
were the scabbed burns they left on my soul
the dying crownless queens
who roamed the oily streets
the stench in my flaring nostrils
and the bit in my teeth
no chariot to fly above those **** filled clouds
that would rain vain vapid truth on me
for the rest of my unholy days…
the rest of my unholy days
Sep 24, 2012
Sep 24, 2012 at 10:02 PM UTC
bitter winds bite
a desperate heart
as early darkness
unsheathes winter's
slivering moon
the perfect
celestial sickle
threatens to thresh
exposed digits
wayward trundlers
heaving bulky
sacks of woe
scutter down
the city's
darkest
side streets
making haste
to the only
lighted room
that still
welcomes them
cots boast
lumpy clots
of errant springs
and jagged hooks
grappling the lodger
atop a mattress
in bumpy knots of
institutional green
coughs and snores
cusses and laughter
sighs and tears
all ceaseless
prayers
some mumbled
some shouted
some thought
some roared
some farted
some cried
some sung
speaking mutely of
the weighty day
resenting new
hard memories
hoping for a
dreamless sleep
Friends Shelter
NYC
12/31/08
jbm
Music Selection: Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers: Moanin
Dec 1, 2011
Dec 1, 2011 at 9:51 PM UTC