Well, Neptune and his sad sack. What to say about the watery Fish? Nothing really. You slip around in life oversensitive to your own liquid shadow. You're far worse than Cancer when it comes to feelings and such, no wonder most of you remain lost throughout life, like a body snatcher, you dream the imaginary world of happy people and happy endings. A Disney disaster really, unable to be on your own for long, you need other people to keep you grounded and on the right track. Codependent anyone? Jesus Christ on a **** stick, I dated one of your kind and couldn't shake him, 25 voice mails later. Tragic really. But it's not all bad, you speak of posies, whisker woo-woo's, and butterfly kisses. Shut the **** up and reach into the real abyss of madness, you poser! Truly the "flake" of the zodiac, you dismiss common manners with some attitude of "Look at me, look how silly I am!" No jack ***, you're an irreverent ****/***** who has no considerations for others. Don't even get me started on the drug use, ya loser. Compassion? Go to church, don't come here.

Advice: Anything is possible when it happens, but for you, nothing ever happens. Wake up. Stop trying to find yourself and start creating yourself, you ******* *****.

Aquarius, why must you make **** hard for yourself? What are you trying to prove by not flushing the ******* toilet? No one cares. You call yourself a rebel, when in truth, you're just a water bearing fool with preposterous ideas of some futuristic utopia that looks a lot like Yu-Gi-Oh!  Because of your idiotic rebellion, you seem to smash on about nothing really, declaring the world is in shambles, while scrying your turds for all the answers to humanity. And with such rebellion attitude, the "I don't care, I'll **** in the woods!" Again, no one gives a ****. If you'd rather **** in the woods and run around naked like a feral child poser, be my guest. Why don't you change your name to Nell why you're at it and forget your native language altogether since your such a rebel. I hate to break it to you Einstein, but it's all been done before.

Advice: What's the point? You're not going to listen. Have fun ******* in the woods and remember, we don't care if you know who we are. Truly. Ur **** is waiting, *chicka chicka chickabee.

Hmphh. The Goat. Ruled by the Black Hand of our solar system. Gate of the Gods, but you truly fail to see your real potential because you're clueless how real motivation works. You are not a prodigy, you are the most basic construct of a human, next to the over achieving Leo. The two idiots of the zodiac flitting about. You would think with being the Goat, you'd want to aim high, climb, and grab life by the ******* *****, right? Nope, most of you are homebodies who are phobia ridden. Saturn got your pessimistic ways? Boohoo, go cry with Cancer, there's a "whipping sign" you can take out your miserly and grudging ways on. Discipline? More like, "I'd rather watch paint dry than your ridiculous dreams you always seem to be chasing". And why you try to come off as hard workers is beyond me. You do very minimal and claim some ******* grandiosity; highly annoying in your braggart ways. ***** please, don't come off as serious, we all know Elvis died on the toilet. Get over it.

Advice: Do some real work without all the nonsensical stupid, dry humor. You aren't as brilliant as you think.

Oh the Archer, so brave in the sky! Think not, fool. Ruled by Jupiter, you liked to be liked by everyone, be the life of the party. Awwwwww, so transparent you are. This likeable, likey-like-like thing you try to weld translates to your horrific sense of insecurity, a second close to Cancer. You push your way through life, not out of real accomplishment, more out of riding the **** tails of others. You're the ******* scrub behind the velvet rope. In all reality, you simply drive a 325i from 2001. Sagittarius, the Universal world traveler in hearts and minds - lover of philosophy, you couldn't scratch your way out of local knitting club convention. You don't travel, you just write or yap about it. Good for nothing, what's the point of having a bow if you have no target, jack ***!

Advice: Stay home please, stay out of my way.

This is going to be painful for me. These folks think they're so heavy, evil, dark, and mysterious. (Ahem) Next to the crab, you are one of the biggest wimps the Universe ever farted out. Don't even ask for backup in a fight with these people, their excuse is, "I wasn't really sure what was going on!" With your low energy, you can barely fly unless you have been a constant train wreck, I may throw you scrap of respect. You just barely have the *** department down and I have kicked many a stinger out of bed. Emotional inside like a bag of **** lit on fire! You can't escape from the bag of your own **** show. No wonder you're so angry, all you do is repeatedly sting yourself to death. What a stupid species you are, indeed!

Advice: Stop with the whole tough guy/girl front. Everyone knows that when someone throws their hands back at you, you run away and cry in the corner like the little **** you are. So quit with the heavy and join Cancer.

Well, well, well...if it isn't mister and misses, I have to have someone up my ******* 24/7. Even when you're taking a ****. And if your partner isn't right next to you when doing so, you're sending them photos of your **** via text because you think it's somehow romantic and/or cute. You're the least constipated of all the zodiac signs because you're constantly taking it up the ***-**** just falls right out of your ******* with ease. Man or woman, you have this bizarre almost compulsive fascination with hairy *******, both literally and figuratively. Because you're so eager to please, you have no problem switching from your *** to your mouth and vice versa. No one really cares when you go missing because you're probably somewhere with your ring finger up someone's hairy *******.

Adivice: If you know you're going to be taking **** in the *** and mouth, it would be wise to try and **** beforehand because nine times out of ten, you're left with your own **** in your teeth. Smile pretty for me, baby!

Who's **** about their ****? You are, Virgo. In fact, you are so **** about your own ******* that god forbid you ever run out of baby wipes or are unable to scrub-a-dub-dub after your daily ****. But of course, that will never happen to you because you have planned out exactly where and what time you are to take a ****. If you're working overtime, so is your ****. No one can tell your ******* is throbbing because you have perfected the art of the, No, a **** is not slipping in and out of my ******* right at this very moment poker face. Not only do you have an irrational fear of a ****** *******, but you must examine every inch of your **** for any sign of potential disease or parasites.(with gloves on, of course.) Your ruling planet is Mercury, which means you probably know exactly how many times you have taken a **** in your life up until this point. **** ***? Your worst ******* nightmare.

Advice: Chill the **** out. The only condition you're suffering from is a mental one and it's called Hypochondria.