Well, Neptune and his sad sack. What to say about the watery Fish? Nothing really. You slip around in life oversensitive to your own liquid shadow. You're far worse than Cancer when it comes to feelings and such, no wonder most of you remain lost throughout life, like a body snatcher, you dream the imaginary world of happy people and happy endings. A Disney disaster really, unable to be on your own for long, you need other people to keep you grounded and on the right track. Codependent anyone? Jesus Christ on a **** stick, I dated one of your kind and couldn't shake him, 25 voice mails later. Tragic really. But it's not all bad, you speak of posies, whisker woo-woo's, and butterfly kisses. Shut the **** up and reach into the real abyss of madness, you poser! Truly the "flake" of the zodiac, you dismiss common manners with some attitude of "Look at me, look how silly I am!" No jack ***, you're an irreverent ****/***** who has no considerations for others. Don't even get me started on the drug use, ya loser. Compassion? Go to church, don't come here.

Advice: Anything is possible when it happens, but for you, nothing ever happens. Wake up. Stop trying to find yourself and start creating yourself, you ******* *****.

Aquarius, why must you make **** hard for yourself? What are you trying to prove by not flushing the ******* toilet? No one cares. You call yourself a rebel, when in truth, you're just a water bearing fool with preposterous ideas of some futuristic utopia that looks a lot like Yu-Gi-Oh!  Because of your idiotic rebellion, you seem to smash on about nothing really, declaring the world is in shambles, while scrying your turds for all the answers to humanity. And with such rebellion attitude, the "I don't care, I'll **** in the woods!" Again, no one gives a ****. If you'd rather **** in the woods and run around naked like a feral child poser, be my guest. Why don't you change your name to Nell why you're at it and forget your native language altogether since your such a rebel. I hate to break it to you Einstein, but it's all been done before.

Advice: What's the point? You're not going to listen. Have fun ******* in the woods and remember, we don't care if you know who we are. Truly. Ur **** is waiting, *chicka chicka chickabee.

Oh the Archer, so brave in the sky! Think not, fool. Ruled by Jupiter, you liked to be liked by everyone, be the life of the party. Awwwwww, so transparent you are. This likeable, likey-like-like thing you try to weld translates to your horrific sense of insecurity, a second close to Cancer. You push your way through life, not out of real accomplishment, more out of riding the **** tails of others. You're the ******* scrub behind the velvet rope. In all reality, you simply drive a 325i from 2001. Sagittarius, the Universal world traveler in hearts and minds - lover of philosophy, you couldn't scratch your way out of local knitting club convention. You don't travel, you just write or yap about it. Good for nothing, what's the point of having a bow if you have no target, jack ***!

Advice: Stay home please, stay out of my way.

This is going to be painful for me. These folks think they're so heavy, evil, dark, and mysterious. (Ahem) Next to the crab, you are one of the biggest wimps the Universe ever farted out. Don't even ask for backup in a fight with these people, their excuse is, "I wasn't really sure what was going on!" With your low energy, you can barely fly unless you have been a constant train wreck, I may throw you scrap of respect. You just barely have the *** department down and I have kicked many a stinger out of bed. Emotional inside like a bag of **** lit on fire! You can't escape from the bag of your own **** show. No wonder you're so angry, all you do is repeatedly sting yourself to death. What a stupid species you are, indeed!

Advice: Stop with the whole tough guy/girl front. Everyone knows that when someone throws their hands back at you, you run away and cry in the corner like the little **** you are. So quit with the heavy and join Cancer.

Well, well, well...if it isn't mister and misses, I have to have someone up my ******* 24/7. Even when you're taking a ****. And if your partner isn't right next to you when doing so, you're sending them photos of your **** via text because you think it's somehow romantic and/or cute. You're the least constipated of all the zodiac signs because you're constantly taking it up the ***-**** just falls right out of your ******* with ease. Man or woman, you have this bizarre almost compulsive fascination with hairy *******, both literally and figuratively. Because you're so eager to please, you have no problem switching from your *** to your mouth and vice versa. No one really cares when you go missing because you're probably somewhere with your ring finger up someone's hairy *******.

Adivice: If you know you're going to be taking **** in the *** and mouth, it would be wise to try and **** beforehand because nine times out of ten, you're left with your own **** in your teeth. Smile pretty for me, baby!

Who's **** about their ****? You are, Virgo. In fact, you are so **** about your own ******* that god forbid you ever run out of baby wipes or are unable to scrub-a-dub-dub after your daily ****. But of course, that will never happen to you because you have planned out exactly where and what time you are to take a ****. If you're working overtime, so is your ****. No one can tell your ******* is throbbing because you have perfected the art of the, No, a **** is not slipping in and out of my ******* right at this very moment poker face. Not only do you have an irrational fear of a ****** *******, but you must examine every inch of your **** for any sign of potential disease or parasites.(with gloves on, of course.) Your ruling planet is Mercury, which means you probably know exactly how many times you have taken a **** in your life up until this point. **** ***? Your worst ******* nightmare.

Advice: Chill the **** out. The only condition you're suffering from is a mental one and it's called Hypochondria.

Oh yes, you, and only you. I understand that royalty worshiped gold, but your style is more Miami Beach Lamé. The child on the playground that couldn't seem to keep quiet, about anything. And talk about conversation, what would we do without all you have accomplished? Most people see your attempts to be nice, but we know it's only to get what you need for the given time. Who else is going to climb the celestial ladder? You can be found in front of cameras, stages, and occasionally robbing candy from small children. Also, curb your need to flatter yourself, you may think the world cares about you, but, it doesn't. I guess your blessed in some ways, but honey, your personality is like crusted **** on the lawn that has turned white, you are now an alabaster God!

Advice: Ease up on the clothes shopping. Do you think you look good or something?

If there's someone crying while taking a **** in a public restroom, it's you. You're ruling planet is the ever-changing Moon, so you're moody and so is your ****. One day you're ******* pebbles, and the next your stomach's cramping and diarrhea's shooting from your perfectly rounded *******. When the Moon is full and you're full of ****, enemas are your loyal friend. You very much enjoy pumping water up your ***. Not only are enemas your cure for constipation, but enemas also cure your dehydration that results from all the ******* crying you do.

Advice: Take a moment and stop crying when you're taking a ****, because on more than one occasion and without realizing, you've wiped your tears with the same toilet tissue you just wiped your ****** *** with.

Who are we dealing with today, the psychopath on the left or right? All hail to mouth from the North, East, West, and South; how else will you convince your audience with all that inner charm you truly don't possess. Your heart is never in the right place but your full lips seem to flap about like a flatulent **** hole. All things considered, you try to come off as, "I can do it all", but we all know deep inside you're one of the laziest of zodiacal signs. Who else is going to catch up on Hollywood gossip and the latest in tacky fashions, most you Geminians seem to don and adore. It's not all bad, I mean, about the only thing you might be good at is reading this critical review and dismissing it because, like all true psychopaths you still refuse to take a look at all 36 personalities.

Advice: Don't breathe...just leave this Universe, you *******.

No, you're **** does not not stink. It's ****. Your **** smells like ****. You are no exception to this truth. If you're a Taurus you probably wipe your *** with toilet paper made of satin. You indulge in fatty and sugary foods quite often, so your ******* satin toilet paper never lasts long. Your ruling planet in Venus, so you see ******* as an art form. You may even decorate your house with your own **** statues. When you're not admiring your own ****, you're constipated because you're too ******* stubborn to take a break from stuffing your face with ****** food.

Advice: Put down the cannolis and take a walk in a rose garden so you'll know what actual roses smell like.