capital A for Arguements

Capital BS for *******

They always go and end in the same way

You think I want you
Dead
You think I think your dumb
That I hate you.

I'm just little ******* tired
With a capital T
With all these
"Why would you "
"How could you "
"I can't believe you"

I'm just a little human
You know

And because of that reason

I MAKE MISTAKES

these days I don't even know when I'll step on a bomb

Maybe I should just blow up

sit and listen to the quiet
it's outside the christmas norm
because now, when all is silent
it's the calm before the storm

the kids are upstairs sleeping
you're resting, sitting with a drink
in a few hours ...storms a brewing
it'll push you to the brink

the kids are up and yelling
paper wrapping all around
until the house is empty
no more rest today is found

the kids are outside playing
hockey games out on the drive
you just look around and wonder
if the day you will survive

next, arrive the in-laws
re-gifting what you gave last year
and good old uncle charlie
bee-lining for the beer

bad jokes and boring stories
arguements about the past
snide comments and back handers
how long will this all last

you sneak outside for a quick drink
grab a smoke on the back porch
if it wasn't your house they were in
the whole **** thing you'd torch

phony smiles and airy kisses
and the folks are on their way
the storm is almost over
for another Christmas Day

the kids are in and up in bed
there is silence once again
the calm once more before the storm
tomorrow, your folks come at ten!!!!

I'm half asian so everyone thinks I speak 'asian'
Which just goes to show their ignorance, thinking that's a language
Another strange causation because of my 'asianness' is that I:
Can always win arguements with Wyatt by stating this fact
Was declared a ninja even before my skills were proven
I surprise people with my appearance and when I reveal my ethnicity as they believe initially that I'm mexican, italian, or spanish
Was assumed to have gone to the same church as all the others
Am considered strange, exotic, weird, genius, awesome, and stupid
Am endearingly called a 'short asian woman/lady/girl' by friends
Oh and I love love love love chopsticks, rice, and spicy foods.
Pass the srirachi and pepper please

I love you

I love you more than you can know,
And more than you can see,
I love you more than I could hope
to have someone love me.

I'll love you when you're sick and weak,
And love you when you're strong,
I'll love you through our arguements,
if you're right, or if I'm wrong.

I'll love you through the lace of time,
Until we're old, until we're grey,
I'll love you always, more and more,
With every passing day.

I'll love you in our times of plenty,
and in our times of need,
I'll love you when I have to serve,
And I'll love when I can lead.

I love you more than life itself,
More than water, more than breath,
and whether I go first, or you,
I'll love you into death.

I love you more than the word love,
ever could define,
I'll love you through whatever comes,
I love you and you're mine,

I love you with a burning love,
that fills me through and through,
I can never say these words enough,
for truly, I Love You.

I don't know how to write of love,
It's unfamiliar territory,
Like a hand in an oversized glove,
Or a moral with no story.

If I could write about the way
I put all faith in you,
And how you returned that faith to me,
That alone wouldn't do.

I could write about attractiveness-
Of skin as smooth as milk,
Of eyes that heal my sadness,
And a touch as light as silk.

That still doesn't quite do it though,
It doesn't seem enough,
To quote the cannibilistic king-
"This subject is quite tough!"

I could write about the words we share,
When we're together and alone,
Or of holding hands in public,
Or crying on the phone,

Or how we long to hold each other,
Or hear the other's voice,
How just being with each other
Feels like the only choice.

Yes, I could talk all day about the way
Your feelings make me feel
But as fishing-rod designers say;
"It's time to make this reel."

Because real love's not as romantic
As the the love seen on T.V,
Or how it looks in certain books,
And classical poetry.

There's arguements at midnight,
There's anger and despair,
And times when you may feel like
The other doesn't care.

There are times you feel you're talking
And the other doesn't hear,
There's feeling you're not good enough,
Caused by jealousy and fear.

It's giving the other power
To destroy your hopes and dreams,
To tear your heart completely
And sometimes that's how it seems.

No- I don't know how to write of love,
Because the realism shows through,
To quote the cannibal king once more-
"This subject's hard to chew."

So I will not bore you anymore
On things I can't convey
And feelings which I am not sure
You're feeling anyway,

But I'll leave you with some sound advice-
Being in love can be the best,
Or else it turns your heart to ice
(To which many can attest.)

I won't recommend you plunge right in,
Or back off altogether,
But it will not stay as it begins-
Love changes like the weather.

Colours, bright and blazing
Colours, dark and drab
Colours all around us
Colours we can grab
Wear your colours proudly
In almost all you do
But, be careful with your colours
Others have colours too

Black and White
Red and Blue
Orange, Green as well
Blue and Grey
Dark or Light
Colours show and tell

Your colours tell us lots of things
Like which team you support
But, wear your colours carefully
Or you'll end up in court

Colours can cause skirmishes
Colours can cause wars
Colours can cause arguements
Colours break down doors

Wear your colours proudly
No matter what they be
But, A White Hood worn in Harlem
And you'll be hanging from a tree

Colours are religion
Colours are your soul
Colours show your preference
Colours make you whole

I don't know what your colour is
In fact I just don't care
I only know your colours
Let others know you're there

Black and White
Red and Blue
Orange, Green as well
Blue and Grey
Dark or Light
Colours show and tell

Colours push the envelope
Colours blur the lines
Colours make a challenge
Colours show whats mine
Colours make us happy
Colours take away
Colours help us know ourselves
Colours make our day

Wear your colours proudly
Be it red, or black or pink
Yellow, Green or Orange
No matter what folks think
But, wear your colours safely
Wear them and be proud that you are seen
But, be careful what they say because
Remember just what colours mean
This is not written as a warning
I just want you to be proud
Of what colours signify you
Wear them out and wear them loud

Black and White
Red and Blue
Orange, Green as well
Blue and Grey
Dark or Light
Colours show and tell

Between silences
Things seem okay
Can't find problems anywhere
Always have a smile on my face
Until I remember they're still there

It is easy to forget I'm mad
If I dream about your eyes for too long
Usually I get so distracted
Not even sure who's right or who's wrong

So there is not really much point
Fighting if it is all a waste
Arguements will slip my mind
No matter how bad the distaste

So next time we disagree
Let us not raise our voices to a shout
I can almost guarantee
We are just going to end up working it out

How often are we torn apart by love? Love triangles ruin everything fun.
How often do we get into fights? Arguements and of course I'm not right.
How often do we lose ourselves in blame? Now it's my fault, such a shame.
And why do we do this? Our soul purpose in life is? Will we ever move on?
Of course, into oblivion we fight with all our might to be number one.
When someone is happy, we make sure their work will never be done,
By pushing buttons we can make even the strongest fall short,
By hitting below the belt we can make progress the "last resort."
Why do we fall so short of love and honesty? And where did all of these "Perfect Winners" come to be?

T'was a night before Christmas, Not the one that we know
When the big guy came forth,From the land full of snow,
He'd been summoned down south, to a lawyers..no less
There were some concerns that he had to address.
First was the doll that was known just as Dinah,
It was looked at because it was all made in China
The paint would flake off, so it stayed on the shelves
It was obvious that it was not made by elves.
There were problems as well with the way that it looked,
From the make-up she wore, you would think that she hooked
The lawyers all said she should look more demure
And the manufacturers need to lose the fake fur.
To show off its privates, there wasn't the need
So it came off the shelves, and it was done with real speed.
The next toy examined was a gun that shot caps
But the chinese translation said it was used to shoot cats
PETA had phoned and was all up in arms
That Santa believed in "The right to bear arms"
"Santa", they said "you can't sell guns as toys"
"They're dangerous for all the girls and the boys"
But Santa just sat and he had nothing to say
Their arguements meant things would not go his way.
So he sat and he watched as each toy was brought out
Though deep down inside, he just wanted to shout
"What happened to Christmas, it's supposed to be fun"
"Where is the harm in a little toy gun?"
"Expenses kept rising and the costs all went nuts"
"I had to lay off the elves as one of the cuts"
"I outsourced to China, Taiwan and B.C."
"How would I know this would happen to me"
"Wal-mart's successful with importing from there"
"In fact, they all do it with nary a care"
"I can hire some back as consultants as such"
"But, with the cost of production, I can't pay them too much"
"You all once were children and you broke what I gave"
"Now production from China is the new fad and rave"
"The toys were more dangerous in years all gone by"
"There were parts you could swallow and choke on and die"
"The paint was lead based like the stuff you all fear"
"You all ate it as children and yet your're still here"
"Now come and tell Santa what this is really about"
"I've got contacts upstairs, you know Santa has clout"
"Did I miss you one chistmas, getting you G.I Joe?"
"I'm really confused and I really must know"
"There's no time to dawdle because Christmas comes soon"
"I now have to leave early so I get home by noon"
"I'm down to four reindeer from my original eight"
"And with half my contingent, I'm usually late"
"Now please tell me all, what it is that I missed"
"We just needed to see you to know you exist"
"As lawyers our spirit is little to none"
"And the whole Christmas season si no longer fun"
"They've banned the word Christmas in court and in Schools"
"In fact we all feel that we all look like fools"
"We used this sad tactic to get you down here"
"So you can do something great to bring back our cheer"
"Christmas once was a time for belonging"
"When carolers sang and went out all ding donging"
"It's now just a season for retail and sales"
"Where people just eat and they look like beached whales"
So Santa sat back and he thought  what to do
How could I make Christmas Special, can I make it brand new"
He then said "I've got it, I'll bring back the elves"
"I'll make stuff on consignment and I'll fill the shelves"
"I'll go out on tour signing books to mend fences
"All the money I make will help drop my expenses
"The toys will stay dangerous, that never will change"
"But, I'll make less noisy guns and I;ll reduce their range"
"I'll advertise Christmas....yes that's what I'll do"
"I'll do it up as a sequel....Call it Christmas Part Two"
And he rose from his chair and he said with a grin
"I'm off now to China to fire ten guys named Chin"
And those lawyers all heard as he flew away East,
"Who'd have thought three small presents would create such a beast?"

She hardly was an early riser.
Life at home for her was hell.
Violent voices
and mean threats.
She wrote this on a sunny start of the week, monday.
The sun seemed to have been greatly amused at her wrinkled face.
Recently, she discovered she would release a ****
whenever anxiety or nervousness hit her like a dart.

Her daily life began by 4:30am.
There she was in comfort on her irregular bed,
till a sharp light hit her face
and a thunderous voice boomed her ear drums,
His foot steps made so much sound than his voice.
It was her father.
It wasnt his voice that struck her,
or was it the sight of a whip that he wielded so callously.
It was the angry look he always beared on his face.
It was almost as if he was angry with God for waking him up everyday.
Mixed feelings of fright and fuzziness gripped her
she hastily greeted
He didnt respond.
Her sister stood behind her bed
whimpering in fear.
Only then did she discover who the whip was meant to trash at that moment.

The night before
was a nightmare she have seen before.
Her ingredients failed her,  
her attention
and her organization
towards the food preparation.
Her Mom hated excuses
Her Dad hated losses and bad soups.
Her promises flew away
Phone accessories became her get-away.
It wasnt the intensity of the funny smell,
or the intense awareness of the pepper and salt,
but it was the searing look her mum had.
Her mom must have mentally shredded her like cabbage, she thought.
Her mom wondered why arguements stuck in her tongue like a tatoo.
Most times she resented her awkward behaviour,

She saw life has an eazy game.
She thought mistakes were a part of our imperfection as human beings and hence should be constantly made.
She didnt understand why God placed her in that family.
Her mom would constantly remind her of the future
She could hear her voice in her sleep
Her mom would speak with her eyes
when her anger has reached a certain height.

Hereditry
played a role
in her usual condescesion.

The environment
played a role
in her usual sadistic talk and thinking.

Yin and Yang,
Cold and Hot,
the order of seasons
Either you can change
or you can not.
Such is the nature of Monica.

The vortex

My mind is a vortex,
a whirlwind of thoughts, beliefs and desires.
Creativity oozing up to the surface of every pore, determination dancing circles within.

What with all these factors in one soul, success seems imminent?

The vortex has other ideas for this one.

Desire now destined to get lost in the mass clutter of thoughts,
counter-arguements penetrating all beliefs that once seemed so absolute,
fire rupturing and destorying all creativity that  lives.

My mind is a vortex, and i am my mind.

I said
You said
She said
They said
He said
All said
I don't need you
Don't mean that.

I did
You did
She did
They did
He did
All did
Go away from me
Don't mean that.

I saw
You saw
She saw
They saw
He saw
All saw
Don't speak to me
I don't mean that.

we have scorpions
my wield has two eyes
i saw no bee
running my right hand

up the railing and
continues hurting..
the cunning man i am
i urinated on it

and that has stopped
there is some wisdom
in the old ways
***** is a natural

healing..

vi

rainy day scribe
would like to imbibe
sweet long ago youth
to kiss your red mouth
that soured wine
and screamed our
insane face..

i would look into your eyes
and tried not to
think of them
so much for
that no..
but i´ d be gone
it was the ****
and all that colors
when we got effed up
you saved your best insights
for our arguements
you brought me two black
kittens
i put you in bed and fed you
porrige
everyone complained
i went to the occasional party
but prefered the country
we see the cure..

i lived the country
we went to cinema
we saw the piano
you on the bus

me on my bike..
i enjoyed that forrest ride
cool in the morning
and out of the breeze
you with the haarlam gazette..

o twas a cold of a winter so
i might visit my friend fiet
who lived on a house boat
with so many cats and dog
and a chicken and geese..
we would have a cup of t
and looked at her photos..

when the canals froze
when at the sea side
or with a sweet cognac
and a pint of mild
heck my hand throb
and my heart too..

To my dearest princess,

             I carried you for nine months bearing all the nausea, mood swings and the pain. And I was there to hear your first cry, a sign that you were alive. I was there when you needed me to sleep, drink and go places. I was there when you were crawling then walking and later on, running. I saw your most embarassing moments, your cutest reaction, your passion, your talents and your dreams. I was there when you felt sad and cried all day and remember how you kept looking for me? I was the one you shared your secrets to. I was there when you went to school and got friends. Then you got older and you started cutting me off and saying that I was lame and nagging. But you forgot that I gave you the things you needed when you were little- all those sleepless nights just to keep you still. I was there when you wanted me there. And I am not going to force you to do the same but I am hoping for your consideration. I was there for your first heart break. It was from a boy you never told me about and now I found out that you gave your everything. Now let me remind you, darling that people make mistakes and what we do after is what matters. You don't need *** to prove that there is love. A proof of love is how much time you spend together and not thinking of it too much because you know you'll wait until you two are wed and are truly each other's. Romance is not just a public post on a social media account about how much he loves you. It's not just about the good morning texts. It's about the days you are at your worst and he sees you as if you're still the angel you are. It's when you are on your baggy shirt and he sees how beautiful you are. It's about the planned, nervous, awkward but fun dates. It's him picking you up at our doorstep and telling me that he'll tale care of you. It's about long hand written love letters, poems and arguements worth fighting about. And if you lost someone, they aren't always meant to stay. It's okay to cry because it's a sign your alive, it's what you did the minute you came to this world. You don't need to harm yourself, I'm here and I think you are golden. You are one of life's precious gifts. Please don't hurt yourself, you don't need other people to prove your worth, you have me. Now I know I may say things that offend you but that's my way of teaching you. I love you, sweetheart and don't think that I don't.  You are capable of living and surving. You were destined to shine as bright as the sun, my princess. Maybe even brighter.

with love,
Mom

we are indoctrinated into
cultural and religious conceptualizations
according to two sides of the day,
mental constructions sacrificing harmony for
egoic suffering instead

our temples of conviction and
rock throwing scientific spires
can only hit or miss truth
in the unpredictable universe

the silent soul knows this somehow
but can't prove it because its
wisdom seeds are so spacious; woven way
into a ground-mat of unimportance


Sara Fielder © Apr 2018

Hey Dad, I think we need to talk..

Please don't lie to me anymore,
I can tell whether or not you tell me the truth.
You say "Everything will be okay, this is the last time."
How can I be so ******* sure?
You can be a vindictive, abusive and envious man,
I am used to it.
Whenever I get a beating it tickles,
My Three Square Meals I get each day; Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner.
The feeling of a leather belt in rapid speed, hitting my back, legs, arms, chest and my skin 3 times a week.
It tickles, creeps up on me more, over and over, but with steel hands.
Father, I love you. But I can;t do this no more.  
We are growing apart,
You distorted my feelings as to how I think a father should be.
I thought you can be the protective strong guy I can rely on, and play catch with me during the weekends.
Instead you became a real torture machine, torturing not only me but the rest of the family.
I hope you understand what is on my mind, please don't you cry, I need to be honest.
You put us through hell and back for the past couple of years.
With the drunken arguements you had with my mother,
Objects are thrown at you and readily returned back,
This is an undocumented war that no one knows about but your kids.
Though, there were times were you made me smile.
I appreciate the little things you done for me, like helping me with simple addition and division no matter how much our family is divided.
We move on and carry on as time flies,
You aren't the perfect dad.
But you are worth it.
Just didn't put enough work into really loving us.
We had to learn love ourselves before you attempted to show that you care.
I am trying to understand you, hopefully you can do the same for me.

- Astro Flows.

I am from blades,
from Monster and Kodiak.
I am from the twilight skies on my rooftop.
Angled, Dangerous.
echoing low noftes bellow in the valley where I lay in pieces.
I am from the petals of the Oriental Cherries,
the eroded shoreline
that once safe sanctuary turned
to the eye of the hurricane

I'm from locking myself away from the arguements and
decorating my sister's grave with withered roses,
from Danielle and Grant.
I'm from the rip tides of grief and regret that follows my father,
and the lonesome, aged embrace of my brother,
from everything happens for a reason and
just keep fighting and maybe we'll be alright.
I'm from scorched dreams
And they've kept me afloat long enough
for me to locate and touch down in the shallows.

I'm from Irish, obvioulsy more then tipsy grandparents,
maple syrup rolls and Kool-Aid packets.
From the unfortunate instability of my brother's mountain bike
the speckled, flexed "glass" skin that holds my grandmothers spirit.

Tangled amongst the stinging nettles
Searing away all my past regrets
My background shocks my ground
Raising my cracked, frayed spirits to my spot that's atop the rooftop,
Getting lost in the city of constellations
I come from uncertain outcomes and fatally close calls.

When I was a little girl...
I wanted to be a super model
I wanted to drive a pink car
I loved Britteny Spears
I needed my mommy & daddy all the same.

Sense I was a little girl...
Super models weight 70lbs
Black is the new pink
Britteny Spears shaved her head
Lots of arguements

Now that I'm a big girl...
I want to make movies
I drive a ****** red car
Music is just full of pain
My mommy needs me & my daddy uses me.

Those beautiful eyes that stares at me
Those wonderful arms that would love to hold me
That gorgeous smile that makes my day complete
And that sweet voice of yours that no on else could beat

That personality you have that makes me believe in you
Those lines that makes me giggle, and can only be done by few
Those arguements we have that makes this relationship complete
And those times we almost gave up but chose to compete

Those words that you gave me when I couldn't hold on
That aspiring effort you make, when you've done something wrong
Those tears in your eyes, that tells me you love me
And those sacrifices we made to prove we're meant to be

Those pointless talks we have off and over the phone
That comfort that you give me when I am all alone
Those serious moments when we talk about our lives
And those crazy moments when we're just having fun

The determination we have to keep this relationship going
The fear we have in our hearts on lossing everything
Those doubtful moments that made our minds blow up
And the jealousy that made our worlds go downside up

Those people who tried to break us up and never succeded
Those lies we've been told and sometimes believed it
Those people who've been supporting us all the way through
And those inspirational quotes they gave us that helped us too

That selfishness I have in me when it comes to you
That naughty smile you have when i say the words "I Love You"
Those hard times I thought we'd never pass through
And all the challenges that made us learn so we can start a new

Written January 4, 2011*

I've been lying awake thinking of the days when you were mine.
Was it all a mistake? Was it just a big waste of my time?
But it doesn't matter anymore, because we're over and you are gone.
And now I realize that I was wrong about you.

You are nothing more than a scared little boy.
Does it even matter to you how you look in my eyes?
I spent all this time coming to your defense.
But all of my arguements were worthless.
  
Our whole Relationship was clouded by lies.
Along with my Ignorance, allied you and your great disguise.
Oh congratulations. You had me fooled.
But it turns out that the joke is on you.
I can finally see
That I deserve more
Than you ever gave me.
Even if more means being alone
For as long as it takes,
To again feel whole.

I never understood the secrets in my house hold
in the place where your parents are supposed to hold your hand and guide you
all i got was scared wrist and glass threw
loud arguements nights of long crying and then denying it ever happend
the crack in the family's foundation breaks down to the weakest link
leaving them broken and wanting to be set free
so we find ourselves in pills , drugs, alcohol
to escape this place we call home
in a house full of people but all alone

Life is a sequence of songs
Albums a time in your life
Discography your memoir
Chorus your glory
Verses the hard work, your story.
Harmonies the times you connect perfectly
Dissonance your arguements
Noise your chaos
Silence, your true self.

Complex words gives confusion in minds.
Complex nature gives confusion in behaviour.
Complex behaviour gives crack's in relations.
Complex situations  makes someone more stronger and harder.
Complex arguements creates great anger.

He never hit me
She said and we believed it
Okay, that's fine
Relief and gratitude
It wasn't that bad...

Am I going crazy?
I remember the arguements...
And the black eye...
I remember them fighting
And the red marks on her cheeks

"My baby girl won't talk to me"
"Mom that's not your fault"
"I protected her
He was trying to hit her
She was just a child.
She went to hide under the chair"*

Speaking of the places we used to hide
The closet, under the table, behind the couch,...
Stop yelling
He came home drunk
And I went to sit on his lap
He pushed me on the floor.

She never snitched on him...
Her lips sealed tight
She never said a word...

FOR MY FRIEND.........By kristie Townsend 31.10.09

31 October 2009 at 22:06

I have a friend
my love for her, has no end
through all of the good stuff, and some times that are bad
she proves to me, that she is the bestest friend that I ever had

through all the laughter, and and all the tears
through the passing of the seasons, and of the years
we share with each other all of our hopes, dreams and fears
United, together we confront adversity if it nears

Through thick and through thin
at times when we lose and the triumphs that we win
my friend has been my constant companion, she is strong at my side
She provides all of the tissues, to mop up the tears that I've cried

Petty squabbles and arguements are only a temporary divide
all feelings of anger and annoyance are quick to subside
this poem is for you, my way of saying THANKS
this poem is for my mate ...............................??? you fill in the blanks!!

There are just too many things that were supposed to have happened.
Arguements lurked behind every door.
Playing hide and seek with sarcasm and distrust.
A recipe to end the book titled Forever.
And even though love was still begging for attention.
The path has ended.
Most have already left the theatre.
Except for those wandering.
Wondering if there will be a tiny clip after the credits.
But the budget has long since dried up.
And the explosives took a lot of the show.
Sadly they are what hilight its runtime.
It's dark now.
The reel just looping black and white.
Waiting for the next show to replace the old.
But there will not be another.
The building has been deemed condemned..
Due to lack of upkeep.
It will remain a historic land mark.
Untouchable.
For there is little else one can do.

Never have, never will love you again
Not my choice but by yours
Could I blame you? Put that name to bad use, words I didn't mean in arguements, words I didn't mean to say,
You acted tough in front and I thought you unaffected by a person like me...

I've hopped I'd die once or twice
I'd coped and try to pay the price
But it wasn't my body that cried
Its my mind whose sinful
Ending siezes to address
The Arguements im blessed with
Flowing though and through
In one ear, the words rule
Out the other. They're cool
Heartless words duel
But I'm not a fool
Just used like a tool
But if so, why be so cruel
Its really only thought
Held, and taught
They've got me trapped
Like the wolf I'm caught
Its escape I sought
But I'm stuck here
With running tears
I just want them to stop
While I push this mop

Predestined to sit on a chair is a man long foretold.
Engulf in a manner of truth and democracy that makes him bold.
Defined by honor and valor that in many battles he amassed.
Respiting only when needed be and when he must.
On parchments of solitude before the  coming dusk.

Orchestrated in his mind is a plan for the betterment of all.
Bestowing upon us all, is his service with open arms to heed and welcome every call.
At sophistication he stands as he leans to reach with a helping hand.
Liasing, bridging boundaries to make all one and to mend.
Down the lane arguements will find the way to peace.
On any occasion he may please you for all your pleas.

Jagged may be the path that will come ahead.
Up to the task, overcoming it will be just like a tangled line that could be an ache in the head.
Nicely and carefully straightening it in a graceful trance.
It will not take long before the knots made by confusion turns into chance.
On a pedestal long fortold to be stood upon.
Respect, honor and all that rhymes with it will be embedded in one brand.

I had travelled for so long.....too long some may say
Hunting for the lost piece of the puzzle that before me lay

Love - it was always there,
Laughter it was never far,
Copious bright imprints snuggled sweetly to my chest,
Two peas in a pod -
A pod that I secretly knew was the best.

Pieces went missing?
Pieces felt misfitting?
Then:
You cared far more for freedom,
You cared far more for money, more money,
You cared far more about the opinions of those that don't care much at all,
You cared far more about the substances that fooled you to believe that all it wanted was to help

I wanted to help - Me,

You lied and lied again
When all I wanted
Was the truth
When all I Needed
Was the truth

You say:
Your reflection is distorted now?
Your eyes are unsure
You feel walls at every angle
And This is what you feel you must endure?

You no longer saw who I saw
and I couldn't understand why.
You were my favourite person
one of the nicest I knew
You had been my home for so long.

I became exhausted
I became tearful
I became scared
I became so worried about you that I forgot all about me
I forgot about everything else that was worth worrying over in this beautiful world.

I Had to surrender.
because I couldn't answer any of the why's that clung
So badly
To how we ended up on this path.
I just couldn't solve it - my god I tried and tried again.
But, the pieces - they just wouldn't fit.

I never wanted to, but

I let you go

As excruciating as this was, it was the only thing left to do.

I let you go

I miss you
I don't though miss
The tears
The arguements
The disappointment
The worry
The uncertainty
The fear I cradled whenever I dared to hope
But I do miss you

I see sparkles of you every so often and I remember all the love that once connected us so securely - with a sad smile on my face.

I now accept that there was no helping you to make choices that would've brought you happiness - as it was a happiness you felt unworthy of.
Nor could I have helped you to love yourself like I did - you knew what I was yet to find out.

I now understand - guilt can steal a good heart.

I missed my chance to say farewell
You taught me more than ull ever know
I should have grabbed ur number
I should have text
I should have wrote that letter
To ur parents
To tell them
Maybe i didnt know u well
Or at all for arguements sake
But i knew you were great
And ive said b4 i can b corny
But if im serious
You were a slice of humbolt pie
And the icing on the cake
U were someone id call a friend
U were someone i respect
U taught me more than ull ever know
More than i can nor could admit
I miss u almost every day
Whenever i hear R.E.M
Whenever i remember the difference between apple juice and apple cider
The joke was in the question
They r one and the same
Ur wit was amazing
U were amazing
I lost amazing....
I never got the chance to say anything....
That u were important
That u gave me a chance
That u were my friend.
And now its to ******* late.
How could you pass away?

in this room
where i had spent a lot of
mental suffering and
arguements with myself
about what better decisions
i could've made
if only i had been
wiser,
i'm having vague
negative thoughts
of ending my life
quickly without any
pain.
i stopped
for a moment
and asked myself
if this is were all my doings.
i don't know.
i can't feel myself making
any sense.
it's something that dies
in you.

We are having arguements.
Its more frequent lately.
I walk out and go.
This time I would go forever.

Yesterday felt wierd.
I didnt have to knock on your door.
I missed you at work....
Wished I would call.

Today you said you missed me.
I NEVER WANT TO FIGHT AGAIN.
I love you too.