sadness has been eating me alive
since before i can
remember —

i was bathed in a blue tub
on a yellow table .
as mom smiled and i laughed ,

and  
i remember
nights  
i was loved ,

but
sunlight still seemed to stream on
brown carpet
or on black and white tiled floor,
as
i grew up , or
it rained ///

and
i remember
each
and every
girl ive been,
crying red
and blue .

always ;
i looked at all our toys ,
high up on our mantel

in yellows, blacks,
and
pinks:

i have grown

and yet ;
i remember
there was
me
.

i dream we live in a different life ;;

you are pretty
and i am
young

and i stare into your
eyes and you
look me all over

almost . .
like i am food .

but you do not eat
me

frankly :
you never could
.

i wish i was who i wanted to be,
. . .
technical problems .

the room is red, through
eyes stained by
blue glass ,

vague memories plague
me
(a girl in a dress,
the orange sun, and the red
and white
of his walls)

i can’t believe i know you,
with water leaking
from your eyes .
                          .
and
one day,
i think —
while gassed,

ill carve our initials into
the first
tree i find ,
and cry into my palms
just
to help it grow .
                           .

and
maybe that will make me love you
back.

she sits at her kitchen table,
skin pink and eyes
puffy
and looks at the print
of her daughter’s
missing picture on the
side of an empty,
old

milk container .
.
.

mommy,
maybe
pick yourself up ,

daddy never cried like this,

how will you tell him that
you lost yourself
in a bottle of
pills like a note
in a
bottle ,

lost at sea ::

?

i pull up my pants -

leg, leg, zipper,
buckle
.

the room heaves with me ,
a breath released
and a mind
unclear :
.

i don't know if
he made me bleed,

i don't know if he
even
would .
.
.

the sky looks yellow
as he walks me home,
but it's not:

it's blue
and the wind stings my
cheeks
.

who was i
to you
?

on that blown up
leather couch
and streaky,
sheet-less
bed,

who was i
if not the person
i explained

and who were you
to
imagine me on
my knees
?

don't forget -
youll love me forever
,

that pretty girl
in gray and
blue
who couldve loved you
back :

and
don't forget -
you killed her.

i cried my eyes out for
you:
thick,
         laundry detergent
                              tears,
in sickly smelling blues .
.
.

i will never be the same,
                  i
               sup
               pos
                 e
                  ,
stained in white and red .
.
.
                                    

you know i know who
did
this
to
me,
right?
i can smell it on you .
.
.

my                      love,
do i               sure cry
for        you, my
broken heart,
it aches for you,
but          my love,
my                love is
not                    forever .
.
.