Hey mom-dad, listen.
Hit me, hate me, throw me out,
But don't shut me up.

I knew from when I placed my hand
Onto my belly.
I looked up to heaven and thanked God for you.
You weren't in my plan
But now you're the biggest part of it.
And I promise to keep you safe
Until your brave little heart is ready for the world.
And I will welcome you from the darkness,
I will shelter you from all harm.
You're so small now, barely there,
But you are making your mark on me.
Welcome home.

She tried,
Lying,
To my face.

When I told her,
Not to miss me,
She wouldn’t is what she said.

Unbeknownst to her,
She didn’t realize,
Her lie.

I went close,
Pulled up her chin,
And, told her,
She’d lied.

Then, came the query,
How I knew?

Her eyes,
I told,
Always,
Would give away the truth.

She then tried hiding,
Her shy and sheepish smile,
I came closer,
Pulled up her chin again,
And, told her,
I knew all along,
About this,
And, all her other lies,
She told me.

With the exception of one,
That being,
The inevitable truth,
Which she never tried,
To hide.

That truth being,
She loved me more,
Than, I’ve ever been loved,
And, our love,
Unlike any,
Would continue,
For lifetime a many.

Dear Suicide,
*******. I will not forgive you for the havoc you have wrecked on my life, I will no longer hold you like a parent, or lover. You are no longer my Friend, you are not the comforting bed I can sink into when the world is too heavy for my concave chest.

You have always been there, ever since I was born. You were there when I was a few months old and my mother tried to end our lives together so she wouldn't leave me alone. You were there six months later in the ***** hotel room holding my mother's drug filled arms to lift the bottle of pills to the trembling lips calling out for her children, her husband, someone so she wouldn't be alone. You fed her the pills and promised she wasn't alone, she had you after all. Sometimes I wonder if you'd always been there for her too.

I remember you creeping around corners my whole life, I wonder if you cursed my name the nights I'd insist on sleeping in my dad's bed because before I even knew what suicide was I knew your vice like hands held his heart after you crushed my mother's.

After you saw my father wouldn't be the next victim, you wouldn't rip this family apart that way you settled for me. I was 10 when you crept back into our home, you came to me as a fleeting shadow in the corner of my eye when the classmates teased me. Slowly you crept into my tears and the more I cried the more you possessed my mind. In middle school you taught me that you'd give me peace if I let the blood seep, that the deeper the blade dragged into my skin the closer to you I'd be.

Slowly I began to worship you, made alters in my closest out of rope I'd pray to be strong enough to fall into. I wanted to be a sacrifice to you. All my waking thoughts were of you, you were a comfort nothing else could offer me, an off button. If I wanted I could turn it all off, I could finally meet the woman I had no memory of.

As time went on I tried to forget you, I'd plunge myself into life and into creating a better end for myself. You wouldn't let me go though, Everytime I missed a question on my test or burnt a meal I'd hear your voice offering me an out. Over time you got obsessive and violent screaming that'd I'd end up like my mother anyway so why fight the inevitable, it's better to leave on a high note than after everyone left me.

I never let you win though. I fought to eradicate you from my life, I refused to let you win. I still won't let you control my thought anymore. When I get knocked down by life, when all the odds are against me I no longer wish I was dead, I thank the universe for the opportunity to get up again, to change things and be a stronger person than I was yesterday.

Sincerely,
The person you tried to destroy.

We are always the victim of our own story
We fashion wings of innocence for ourselves
accessorized by a halo of compassion and charity
Then we paint a mask on others
using colors such as greed and hatefulness
to show how truly evil they were
never wanting to admit our own fault
for fear of realizing our lingering evil inside

Mouth over mind;
I could have said that better.
I’m sick and I don’t know how to be helped.
I am lonely in a crowded room.
Grasping for something that
simply isn’t there.
The silence is laced with disrespect,
and the disregard leaches my hope.
Articulation like strangulation,
each sentence a new meal
shoved down my throat.
Perhaps that’s where my appetite fled,
full of past statements
out of context.
I need a break that’s not from a bat.
I need compassion that isn’t laced with guilt.
Above all else I need honesty.
Without that all I have is chaos.
I’d ask you to keep me in your mind,
among all the impulsive desires
to self-indulge.