So painfully aware of being apart
from that which gives me my breath
helps to maintain the rhythmic beating
of my swollen heart--

So horribly bereft at having said goodbye
to one who has always kept me here
who has cradled me, held me tight
through every moment of my every sigh--

So hauntingly sure I will not survive
that life will have no meaning
with you not here to hold, to guard,
to keep me alive--

And so forlornly looking as you saunter away
your laugh, your jokes, your smiles and gentle heart
all that gave me reason to wake up
and live another god-forsaken day--

But so determined this time to carry on
to make it through without you here
to somehow hold myself together without you
and to just make it until the break of dawn...
©Amy Shae 2015

No matter how much you deny,
A lot of people don't know,
What really does go,
On in your mysterious mind;

They say you're ordinary,
Sweet, simple and soft;
But I know you better,
You're enigmatic and a hopeless fool;

I see right through you,
I see right past your innocent smile,
I see right past your sweet voice,
I see that you're a lonesome being with no choice;

To you, trust is a treasure,
Which has no measure;
To you, trust is a luxury,
That you cannot afford to lose;

You have a biased view,
About this world;
You think everyone is waiting,
To hurt you real bad;

You think the world wants,
You to fall deep into a bottomless pit,
You think they'd love to see,
The light in your eyes unlit;

According to you,
Sharing your secret,
Is like giving away,
Your credit card;

You may be a strong person,
But right now,
You're cautious, fearful and downright scared,
You're scratched, bruised and disfiguring-ly scarred;  

You'd rather ****** your own family,
Than share your deepest thoughts,
You'd rather become a detached, holy saint,
Than give anybody the access to your heart;

To you, trust is a treasure,
Which has no measure;
To you, trust is a luxury,
That you cannot afford to lose;

But my dear, don't you see,
That you're a trapped bird,
Locked in a golden cage
Totally not free;

But my dear, don't you know,
That we, your people, aren't your real foes;
Your real nemesis, my dear,
Is you;

At first, your thoughts may seem mild,
But after a while,
They'll start running wild,
Staining, tainting and darkening your pure, pure soul;

Your poisonous thoughts will,
Take away the goodness of your heart,
Take away the humanity within you,
And carefully replace it with -

Fiery, scalding, burning anger,
Cold, grudging bitterness,
And a deep, carnivorous hunger,
To annihilate the ones who love you;

So, stop being so mistrustful,
Open out your heart
Slowly at first,
Then all at once;

Do not fear being backstabbed,
Because no matter what,
There shall always be people,
Who will be there for you;

Do not fear getting heartbroken,
Because, my friend, you're so strong,
And there are thousands of others,
Who'd help you mend your heart;

Do not fear everybody,
There might be ten people,
Who might hurt you,
But a thousand more who love you;

Contrary to what you think,
Pushing away the world,
Will make you sadder,
Not safer;

Addiction is defined as the state of being enslaved to something that's habit forming and causes severe trauma.

Withdrawal from that something can cause: Low energy, anxiety, insomnia, agitation, vomiting, nausea, pain, among others.

You were my drug.
I was addicted to you.
And now I'm paying the price

You were my marijuana,
You made me high.

You were my alcohol,
Making me forget the pain.

You were my daily cup of coffee,
The only thing keeping me going throughout the day.

You were heaven on Earth,
Perfect for me.

You were the peanut to my butter
And the honey to my bee.

I didn't need an intervention,
So why make me go through this?
Why make me quit cold turkey?
Have you ever experienced withdrawal?
Apparently not.

I tell myself it will be okay
As I sit in my room
Clutching my hair at the root
Quivering uncontrollably
Feeling the loneliness run over my skin
Knowing once I break through
The world will stop being monsters
That wear your memory like a Tombstone
Howling at the moon like a cat in heat
I understand what withdrawal feels like
Except my drug is quitting me

Please just listen and listen close.
All I am asking for is just one single, extra dose.

Please for the love of God, just give it to me, I don't care how.
I need it now!

See, you are the only ones that hold the key.
You are the only ones that can relieve the relentless pain inside of me.
All you need to do is stick me with a fully loaded needle or hook me up to an IV.
Should I lower myself to my knees maybe?

*******! You have all the appropriate tools!
Do not even try to come up with some stupid excuse like; "Oh I am sorry miss, I can't, that would be against program rules."

It is too much to bare.
This just plain isn't fair.

Please! Someone help me to survive this war!
I cannot fight it alone anymore.

The darkness is calling, calling, calling.
As I am slowly falling, falling, falling.

Mixing your whisky breath,
              your unshaven cheeks,
              your liquored-down smile
                                                                               in an orange bottle labeled B.

WITHDRAWAL withdrawal withdrawal
Advice from a man with unshaven cheeks, a ring around his eye, and a cross near his breast.
Withdrawal from him, be careful, withdrawal from him you’ll see.
Clenched fists and a bouncing ball of hair, tied, atop my head

Sundays are slow, a holy ****** awaits.
                                                      They teach we aren’t supposed to be here.
                                                                               They teach this is not home.
Everyone is temporary, and
the concept of forever: my methadone.

But he’s only a pain reliever, you see.

"Tell yourself I love you when I die."
Since then, burning my back on artificial heat has become my November addiction
The snow falling outside has been there for a week; it's getting old
And god, **** the man who invented movie theaters to take away from the magnificent show of the sky every morning and most nights

It will hit soon: the withdrawal of all the adventurous, summery memories our brains do not contain
We climbed a mountain, the literal ******
Seasonal affective disorder to the tee
No, don't drink that tea
Daughters playing in the background of a last kiss of a warm breath before it freezes

How delusional:
Allowing myself to fall asleep with the thought of March and you still underneath my fingernails
I wouldn't dare to crawl out, for it would be pointless to replace dirt with dirt
Where are your associates at?
Your support system is nothing short of the pipes of a flushing toilet in the dead of January
But here I am, supporting you with the twigs the trees call branches this time of year

Under the bed, missing four pairs of slippers
Too late to keep your toes moving
Slowly fewer mountains are climbed
Less smiles are shot anywhere near a window
And you're still breathing as far as I can tell, but the intense headache that forms when you are within a hundred-foot vicinity of myself is purely physical
Take that in

Not a single soul
came to pass.
Tea became sweeter
than before.
Rocking, he would sit
humming a simple tune.

This is where
you started.
And where the last man
left off.

We all meet along passing
ways, interact when needed
of each other.

But I can't help but feel
something isn't as it should be.