I just saw a bunch of pictures of people who I used to be friends with.

And I forgot how beautiful they all looked when they smiled.

It's been 9 months and counting.

And they still smile without me.

Seeing as we still have about 4-ish hours to go, I can only wonder what I can do in that time. 4 hours is enough time to watch a few good musicals. But I don't seem to have access to those at the moment.

So my best options are to write, sleep, or talk. But the latter doesn't seem all that successful at the moment. (The bachelor is definitely a distraction.)

So that's a bit nerve racking, but I'm managing.

Other than that, music therapy is seeming like a really good thing. And yet, I don't feel all that different going to Paris. I mean, things could have turned out differently for different reasons.

And that's just listing tons of possibilities taking everything into account. And sure, thing could've played out differently but this is what I've got. And honestly, I'm not complaining. I'm pretty okay with where I am and where I'm going.

I mean, I'm on my way to Paris. So why would I even think of being the one to complain?

This is gonna be a once in a lifetime thing. So taking everything into account, I should just enjoy it right?

I mean, that works for me.

To Paris!

In like 4 hours...

I can wait.

~April 6th, 2017~

I can only imagine what France is gonna be like. But the curiosity is definitely there. We leave one day, and fly into the next. And I would consider this some weird form of time travel.

Hours behind on some flights, hours ahead on the next. What a day, and it's not even over yet. But here I am, close to high haven once again. And nothing more to be done except wait.

But that's not exactly a bad thing. I can be patient for awhile. I can manage that.

At least for now.

So I'm not entirely sure when this flight crosses over into tomorrow. But I mean, is that really worth sleeping through?

Maybe, maybe not.

But I'll definitely attempt to pull off the world's worst "all nighter". It's worth a shot right? I mean, it's something to do.

So this flight may be the weirdest crossover between days. But that's okay with me. Only now, can I really understand the influence of time and flight and varying amounts of sleep.

Speaking of...

What can I say? I would love to be you. If you really do approach the world with love instead of hate, then maybe you could teach me to be less cynical about the world.

I don’t consider myself to be a hateful person. But It seems more difficult to be a loving person instead. In a way, you could just see it as confusion, but love is a complicated thing, it always has been.

I’ve never truly understood love in general, but I never expected to. So really, how do you manage to live life while still loving? Well, I admire that you can live life like that. Whereas I still have to learn.

So use this to your advantage, remind yourself of why you love, who you love , and why it’s all worth it. Because this is something only you can understand.

Because love is different for everybody. Love may be weird and confusing, but it’s something we need. And who am I to argue? I may not know much about love. But I can agree it’s worth it. I hope you’ve got love wherever you’re at. Maybe you can help me figure it all out. Thanks for finding my letter.

~Letter Writer

I have never felt so sick in my life.

Eating feels like a necessary torture, and sleep feels like an unwanted evil.
Stuck in the same cycle of waking up feeling disgusting, and not wanting to sleep because the longer I stay awake, the better I feel.

But even I can't stay awake forever.

But I try, God knows I try.

So I still live in these infected clothes in this infected house and I can't help but wonder where the hell my conscience went.

I feel weak every single day, and I can only hope that this week...

Can change everything.

So if I'm crying out to the TV watchers and the music citizens. To my best friends... some of which who won't even talk to me...

Help me.

I can't wake up tomorrow thinking that this will not pass us by like the sickness it is.

Or was...

But if somebody else is crying out, I will drop this sickness like a ton of bricks and run to wherever they are.

I won't feel sick if somebody needs me there.

So I can put a lock on the medicine cabinet. Not because I won't be able to pry myself away from it, but because I will believe with the entirety of my whole body that I don't need anything.

My family is made up of some of the strongest people on this planet.

I will not be an exception by any means.

So maybe I can wake up as a medical zombie, filled with my own drop dead weight.

I am tired.

But not tired enough.

Unlike the first wave of sick.
This one cannot be cured by any amount of overdue sleep.

Why do you think I write into the abyss of every night?

Because there is nothing more for me to gain from saying that I am helpless.

So I won't...

Wake me up when it's all over.

And then I can live again.

Skies are covered,
in that dreary cloudfilled gray,
the sun he hides his lovely self today,
his light has gone-
for now away,
an now-
is gloomy in his place.

I know his light,
will come to me on another day,
again the birds in song will sing I pray,
when I will dance again,
as my sweet memories,
as they again replay,
as a smile comes to my face.

I wish to rest my heart.
so there has to be another way,

for my stupid gypsy heart,
it simply-
it just cannot stay,

And so-
the war between my older and wiser soul,
and my youthful spirit -

Apparently has begun.


Ma Cherie © 2017

A smart girl who got a beautiful smile, who was always happy. There comes a wind that wipes my smile and left tears. Every night crying myself to sleep.

Peace, happiness and love are impossible to me. My soul is tired of paining all day. My goals are now cooking, cleaning and doing laundry. My dreams and goals are crashed before they could even start.

I feel like I gambled with my own soul and lost everything. I sold my dreams to strangers. Why it happened to me? Why not that other girl? Lot of why's are in my mind.

I also need so break from pain. When will the rain come for me? People even forgot my beautiful smile, because shame and sadness are now called my happiness.

You actually considered it and for what?
A change of scenery?
Because leaving town means leaving me without having the guts to say it to my face
Because you'd see my heart stop like it did and you'd only get mad at me for it
I've never hated you before but I hate you so much tonight
Part of me wishes you'd still go
You considered it
Dropping your ******* wife like a cigarette **** so you could enter a smoke free building
Don't think I can forgive you for this
Now, tell me you understand

Memories like rain in my mind
Drip, drip , drip
Over and over
Do you remember when your mom left? Well, of course! It's just another rain drop falling down my cheek you created
Everytime you ask me a question about my past
Your just creating a rain drop and maybe one day with all those "raindrops" I can keep them in a jar