I think of myself from 5 years ago
would struggle to recognize me
he'd say "what the hell happened?"
and I would have no answer

in truth, I have no answer
for all my shortcomings
when I was a kid,
people called me brave

people listened to me
I was sure of every single thing
I sought out to do, every little step
was calculated, as if I knew what I was doing

I was once a bright child
maybe the tallest beacon in my family
my grandpa and grandma sure thought so
and my mom and dad didn't seem to mind the idea

what the hell am I now?
who is that person in the mirror?
I fret over these questions in my head
but found no answer

who am I now?
not even God can say...

see, when I was a kid, people called me bright
I considered them right, kept my goals in sight
by 20, I realized life was going to be a long fight
the kid with a bright future has lost all his might

lost my footing one day and never recovered
I could blame forced isolation, but I was the one
who kicked up the dirt, the one who threw away his shot
who tried to put the blame on others when he fell short

I was supposed to rule the world, make it my own
stand on top of a cliff, the world upon my feet
but I fell before I reached the peak,
I was never even in sight of the throne

see, the thing about falling off a cliff
is you know you're falling
but how do you stop the tumbling?
my God, this life's numbing.

My fiery red heart is in the darkness
Its beat is suffocating, it’s almost breathless
As every second goes by, it slows easily
And with it every cell, every atom cries for help, warily.
It’s fighting so hard every day and every minute for its survival
But I can’t help but feel even demise seems like a better call;

Oh dear hands of relentless agony,
release my heart, return my sanity.
Oh great hands that own me,
return the good part of life ever so willingly.
I'll go along my way, away from you,
Away from this tension to anything and everything new,
Anything that’ll replace this suffocating pressure!
Anything that’ll release me from this trap laid for me to suffer!

Oh tight grips of confinement, please,
From this disgusting displeasure- put me at ease.
Allow me the privilege to feel anything other than this
TORTURE, SADNESS, PAIN, I beg- open your fists.

Oh Great hands that tugs my fiery red heart,
Return it to me before I lose all my colour to this dark.
I plead to you Oh Great Hands that possess me;
Open your fists, release your grip, gently put me down and gracefully leave me be...
For everything and anything outside your existence isn’t that bad.
I just want returned to me all the innocence I once had.

Oh Great Hands of unhappiness, what do you want from me?
Have I not given you enough? What more could you possibly need? Love, maybe?
But I will never love you.
I can never love you.
I refuse to ever love you.
Oh great hands of antagonizing pain,
I’ll never see the true beauty of this life if you keep me this chained.

What is that? Your words aren't very clear!
Tell me if it's right- the words that I hear;
"Oh my precious, it is you who is the beholder of this chain.
It is you who’s holding on to something without healthy gain.
These grips have long released you from this displeasure ,
Oh my darling, it is you who is refusing to be free, refusing closure!"

Oh Great Hands that had me, return and bind me into this darkness where we once played,
bind me to you so at least I have someone to blame for this weight that never seems to fade.
Oh Great Hands that opened their fists, hold on to me and take me away from this world,
it’s not as beautiful as I thought, take me away and hide me like a pearl.
I swear I’ll not complain anymore, I swear I’ll not fight you, I swear I’ll love you.
I swear I’ll love you and all the pain you come with ever so blue.

Oh Great Hands, I beg you, please save me-----

From myself...

-fir.m

Whilom seafarers in rapture,
seven minutes in heaven,
then nothing but bathos,
--a woman in bed,
she and Rembrandt quarreling
over fidelity or obedience to her king?

"It is I, Seagull!"

"Everything is fine. I see the horizon..."

Night sky, a blow torch,
a golden rain flowing between her legs,
curled in the veil of imperial lineage and/or arousal,
--ballistic arc,
peering into the hand mirror,
a breach of promise staring back.

"Will the flight
affect your reproductive organs, Danaë?"

"Conceivably...
and how they shall weep
when things go wrong between us?"

humans are the most pathetic species on earth,
they have no content;
no happiness,
no compromise,
no nothing.
so they ruin things over and over
and try to make themselves feel good by bragging about there misfortune,
and people pity them
when actually the ones who suffer the most are the ones who stay silent because they aren't allowed to talk.

let me show you what a shadow feels like.

blank, dark, unnoticed.

i am my own shadow, in the light.

I've got everything,
A reserve car for when my other breaks
A reserve of boys like a bunch of grapes
A reserved look that makes hearts ache

I've got everything,
Pressure coming from every way
And ice cold hearth and a fake display
A dark mind that's here to stay

I've got everything
A fancy shrink with a nice degree
Enough pills to calm the sea
A strong rope and a lonely tree.