I remember that dreadful day
when my life was changed.
my happiness
my freedom
all taken away from me
I lost the little independence I had
your intimidating posture was overwhelming
I didn't have the strength to defend myself
my body would flinch
at every touch
I was out of it like I was drugged.
I was paralyzed with panic.
you gained pleasure
I gained pain.
my expression was dark
yours unsentimental
after the unthinkable
my arms were covered with scars.
I feared being alone
I went to war with myself.
I became an unrecognizable monster
I wasn't strong enough to handle the pain.
two years later,
I remember that dreadful day
when my life changed.

I thought that it was
just a dream,
What happened between 
her and me.

When we met I was
extremely glad,
But I could tell inside
that she was sad.

She had told me she might
have to leave, 
And that when she was gone
I'm not to grieve.

I had told her that she 
would be fine,
Things would get better 
if she gave it time.

I woke up and felt 
something was wrong,
So I rang her doorbell but
it took too long

I rushed inside and
saw the scars,
They were on her legs and she had
gashed her arms.

And what I saw when I looked
in her eyes,
Was that she knew that she
was gonna die.

And what I felt when I knew
she was gone,
Is that she was right
And I was wrong.

red stains my mind
a color not of choice
but of forced persuasion

it seems that no matter
how much good is in my life
happiness is fleeting

i understand
if you want to leave
i would too

She started doing exercises so she could be stretchy.
So she could be ****.

She started putting on makeup so she could be pretty.
So she could be perfect.

She started starving herself so she could be thinner.
So she could be a winner.

She started cutting so she could they'd all notice her.
So she'd with her demons concur.

She hang herself so she wasn't in the way.
So she didn't have to stay.

there are guys
in and out of my life 24/7
I fall in love so easily
please forgive me
I'm really not easy
I just want someone to need me
while you're at it, please me
I feel so easy

when I cry
I lie into a pit of this other world
where everyone's walls are down
and no one has any self respect

it's so easy to get trapped into
this second world of mine
and lose myself while I am trying to find me.

Recovery is painful
But my mother’s words are like daggers in my chest

Her dietary verses sound all too familiar
She looks at my body as if it were trash

We view my physique the same way, really
I’m either sick or complete flab

I feel myself slipping into old routine
(Although the scale says nothing different)

I feel her fingers rubbing against my wounds
During my daily weigh-in

It’s difficult to love the skin I’m in
When my mother frowns at a larger pair of pants

I did the math and realized I’m forty pounds above my lightest
I’m sure my mother wouldn’t care if I reached that weight again

Not even in the slightest

You call yourself a person but you're not a human
Can't put you on the same level as animals because they know better
It was monster versus angel-haired cub
Not now
She has the bite of a lioness and the pride of one too
You'll learn the meaning of "no"
When she drags you through the tall grass
Your life between her teeth
The other ones growling, hungry to rip your spine out if you really even  have one
Threw a one hundred dollar bill at her that night like her body was a commodity
Claws that will have you wishing you were already torn up
(b.n)