I am walking in fire instead if ice
I am willing to make a sacrifice
And with you, I'd risk my life
I'd pull the trigger if I can't  have you
After everything, I still want you 
We have something so special
It's so beautiful and fragile
You are my knight and shining armor

you promised it wasn't wrong
you told me that it wasn't a bad thing
"it's only a game" you said.
after we played the "game"
it was the 3 year olds fault
you told me I was forced to keep playing
or I'd get taken to jail
you told me it was a fun game
no one would get hurt
you told me to not wear my pjs
we both couldn't wear clothes
you told me it was just the rules of the game
you put your hand on my bare skin
told me I was beautiful
but we could never tell
it was only a game for 2 players
no room for anyone else
and you started to get further
you said now touch me
I hesitated
and you were so forceful
you said
if I were to tell anyone you'd have to **** me
you threatened your own 3 year olds life
because you didn't want to get arrested
you know its ******* illegal to mess with children you **** head
*******
******* for all the pain you caused me
you ******* messed with my head
but you didn't ******* care at all
you thought it was okay
because it was relieving your "needs"

Depression
Are the cards that I am dealing
  Solitaire is the game
Everything that I am feeling
  They are mostly the same

     **Trigger
Shooting off a gun
  I will try running away
Again no more fun
  I have also tried to pray

     Angel
Appearing in front of me
  Even though I thought she was gone
My insecurities flee
  I am no longer a pawn

     Love
I never thought I would find
  Someone as beautiful as this
She keeps blowing my new mind
  Then, gives me, long forgotten, bliss

The bitter liquor
Of addiction pours out
Of the inflictions that we cast.

The adrenaline
That comes from the thrill
Of gambling
Masturbates the soul.

They act like painkillers,
But in fact they are hunting
Down our chances of recovery.

We cannot let these demons thieve our
Attention away from our mental health,
They will only use us as their food.

We love them,
But they only lust us.

We must put the demons to sleep.
We must drain them of their wealth.
No longer may we let them binge on our suffering.
Nor let them purge out our humanities.

We do not need their
Nicotine, ******, or coke.
We must rise above the addiction,
And promise ourselves to never fall again.

n.c.

I'm cautious to a fault
I've never stared down
The barrel of a gun
I've never held
A blade to my wrists
But I've thought about it.

I was never a girl of extremes
I've never drunk
Poison until I passed out
I've never let my lips
Inhale ash
But I contemplated it.

I was never careless
After a few painful infatuations
And unrequited feelings
I fell in love
And this time, he loves me too
But somehow my heart is still fractured.

I cannot help but wonder
How someone so sensible
So careful
Can still be so messed up
When they have done nothing but
Tread without fault.

The thoughts and feelings
That I do my best to ignore
Stifle me, suffocate me
Even overwhelm me, sometimes
I'm cautious to a fault
And it terrifies me.

Dearest friend, parent, lover
Whoever might be reading this
I'm sorry i couldn't stay strong.
I'm sorry i couldn't stand it anymore
It's not anyones fault, i just wasn't meant to be here.
Just like those flowers that never bloom. They just grow and starts hanging a bit, then dies.

Dear younger siblings.
Don't look up to me, look up to people like daddy or momma, they're happy, i weren't. One life lesson i've learnt is that happiness doesn't come without courage, but with too much courage you'll get tired and let go when you finally get there, and you'll end back where you started.

Dear older "sister"
You know who you are and you're probably reading this right now, smiling at how i mention you as my sister. You're the best person to ever be in my life, and even though you told me a couple of years ago that you were lesbian i never rethought the meaning of your hugs, cause i know we're sisters.
If it wasn't for you i would have done this a lot earlier so thank you.

Dear parents.
Don't cry, i'm not worth your beautiful tears..  I have nothing more to say than i know you lost me, but don't lose courage.

Dear best friend.
Thank you for always being there.
Thank you for telling me that everything will be alright.. It just hurts me to say that you were wrong.. And i'm sorry cause i know this will bring you pain.. But i know you have some other. Nice friends who'd support you.

Dear stranger.
I'm sorry if i was goind to know you in my no longer exisisting future.. You're better off without me anyways..

Dear myself.
I'm sorry i can't hold on anymore, i know that you had your happy times, and that a lot of people longed for your life, but i couldn't stand it anymore..

Dear person
I'm sorry the voices became too much.
I'm sorry i ran out of place to make scars.. I'm sorry i couldn't stand this inner pain anymore.. Dear person.. I'm sorry.. Goodbye..

The problem with opening up,
And speaking the sad words,
"I don't want to be here anymore,"
And showing your scars,
So intimately sharing yourself,
With those you trust so dearly,
Is that, inevitably, the next thing,
To follow,
Is pity.

1 : She wasn't expecting you to come over.
2 :  She said no.
1 : You went anyway.
2 : I had something of hers.
1 : In your pocket.
2 : She asked for it back.
1 : It was stuck at the bottom.
2 : Dragging you down.
1 : The guilt…
2 : She could have smiled.
1 : I stole it away.
2 : With a single touch…
1 : The pocket was messy. Filled with heavy regrets.
2 : Do you ever go through them?
1 : No.
2 : Why not?
1 : They would drown me.
2 : Don't you think she…
1 : She what?
2 : Drowned.
1 : Perhaps.
2 : Do you ever think about it?
1 : No.
2 : Why?
1 : Because.
2 : Of course. Because.