how can i be so afraid of dying
when i can’t stop imaging my own death?
is it that i don’t want to die at the expense of others
or that i want it to be when i say so
do i really want to die or am i just crazy

i think about dying a lot
but i would rather not stoop to your low
i imagine getting into an accident
but it isn’t an accident
i want to drive off a cliff
but i would rather not stoop to your low

i would rather worry about your
drug habits
than imagine you hanging
in a closet

I’ve got all my fingers,
The knife goes CHOP CHOP CHOP

If I miss the spaces in between,
My fingers will come off!

Slit, slit, slit, slit, slit, slit, slit,
I’m picking up the speed.

If I miss the spaces in between,
My wrists will surely bleed.

Coffee and cigarettes
I tell myself I have
Coffee and cigarettes
"You don't need food tonight."
Drink coffee.
Smoke cigarettes.
Ignore the rumbling.
"You don't need to eat."

Just one more meal, I tell myself
Is it a lie?
Is it the truth?
It doesn't matter
I shovel bite after bite into my mouth
Chew.
Swallow.
Choke.
Keep it in.
"Just one more bite."
It's therapeutic

My stomach is rumbling
No, I tell myself
"You just ate."
I feel nauseous
"You don't need to eat."
My body is tingling
"You're still full."
[Let's do something about it, then.]
I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and I...

I puke.
I watch my body expel all that I ingested.
My forehead is wet
And so is my nape
My body is shaking
Make it stop
My body doesn't listen
I puke
I heave
I retch
I gasp
There, you're not full anymore.

I tell myself it's the cigarettes
I watch my food go down the drain
Too much smoke in my lungs
Too much nicotine in my veins
[Too many lies in your head.]
"Ignore it."
I wipe away the tears
I escape
My stomach rumbles
I need food
So I eat

Coffee
Cigarettes
They make me hungry
I'm always hungry
My stomach is constantly rumbling
Never satisfied
Never pleased
"I'm full."
[Let's do something about it.]
"Please don't."
[Too late.]
I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and I...

I cry.

I scrub and I scrub
The stains won't go
They stain the sink

The water washes it away
It spirals down the drain
The stain still stays

My hands are raw
But I see no point in bleeding
It still stains the sink