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Renee Apr 2018
I'm sure I look fine.

Days like today,
I want to strip the skin
From my forearms
Using only my fingernails.

Days like today,
I want to wring out
My legs like a washcloth,
Squeeze the rolls on my stomach
Until they're empty.

Days like this,
I want to walk away from my body
forever.

I'm sure I look fine.
eius reginae Apr 2018
Eat
Coffee and cigarettes
I tell myself I have
Coffee and cigarettes
"You don't need food tonight."
Drink coffee.
Smoke cigarettes.
Ignore the rumbling.
"You don't need to eat."

Just one more meal, I tell myself
Is it a lie?
Is it the truth?
It doesn't matter
I shovel bite after bite into my mouth
Chew.
Swallow.
Choke.
Keep it in.
"Just one more bite."
It's therapeutic

My stomach is rumbling
No, I tell myself
"You just ate."
I feel nauseous
"You don't need to eat."
My body is tingling
"You're still full."
[Let's do something about it, then.]
I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and I...

I puke.
I watch my body expel all that I ingested.
My forehead is wet
And so is my nape
My body is shaking
Make it stop
My body doesn't listen
I puke
I heave
I retch
I gasp
There, you're not full anymore.

I tell myself it's the cigarettes
I watch my food go down the drain
Too much smoke in my lungs
Too much nicotine in my veins
[Too many lies in your head.]
"Ignore it."
I wipe away the tears
I escape
My stomach rumbles
I need food
So I eat

Coffee
Cigarettes
They make me hungry
I'm always hungry
My stomach is constantly rumbling
Never satisfied
Never pleased
"I'm full."
[Let's do something about it.]
"Please don't."
[Too late.]
I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and I...

I cry.
Trigger warning!
Lyda M Sourne Apr 2018
And I thought I had gotten better. Until a voice spoke up inside my head.

"Wow you ****"

"You were nasty. Why would they stick with you."

"You think you deserve this?"

"Your parents are tired of you. They can't afford you."

"Why are you still alive. The career you chose just burdens everyone."

"You don't even play that well."

"You think anyone would ever keep you? Get off your high horse."

"no one likes you."

"You don't belong here. You should just keep on being a person who *****."
Please make it stop. Go away. I don't know you. Where did you come from. I just want to cry. I thought I was better. And you came like a torrent of nasty words that runs through my bloodstream.
Lyda M Sourne Apr 2018
I scrub and I scrub
The stains won't go
They stain the sink

The water washes it away
It spirals down the drain
The stain still stays

My hands are raw
But I see no point in bleeding
It still stains the sink
Dahlya Apr 2018
The night he took my innocence.
Was the night everything changed.
His shirt had been my favorite color,
A color that I can no longer bare to see.
His laugh,
So pure and happy,
Now haunts my every dream.
Those big blue eyes,
I had once looked at in awe,
Instill a new kind of fear in me,
Each time I see his eyes,
In a new friendly face.
The smell of his cologne,
I had loved so much
Is now revolting.
I was so naïve,
Young and trusting,
And he stole the small amount of innocence,
That I had left.
I will never trust again,
And I will always look behind me,
Fearing who may be there.
They told me it was my fault,
I should have listened,
To what I’d always been taught.
Cover up before you go out,
Don’t accept drinks from strangers,
Stay close to your friends.
But in the moment,
It all seemed right.
He was kind,
His eyes were warm,
And he paid attention to my every word,
Making me feel special,
A feeling that I wasn’t used to.
So like a child,
I trusted his charm.
I would give anything,
To take back my innocence,
To go back and try again.
To cover up,
To make my own drinks,
To stay close to my friends.
But I didn’t,
And I will never get back,
What I left in his bed.
I will keep the memory,
And the paralyzing fear,
Until I become stronger.
Strong enough to realize,
That It wasn’t my fault,
That there was nothing I could’ve done,
And that he was the only one that could’ve stopped it.
The night that ruined my life,
Was all in a stranger’s hands,
In his charming words,
And his breaking touch.
One day I will have the satisfaction of knowing,
That despite his efforts,
He didn’t ruin me,
I survived.
Trigger warning
Ripley Shaine Apr 2018
I think of dying a lot.
Almost every day it seems.
My mind is consumed by the thought that,
Possibly,
one day,
I will simply cease to exist.
My brain doesn't understand,
it cannot comprehend,
the brevity of these thoughts.
Not existing isn't an option, it goes against human instinct.

A part of me hopes there is life after death,
That with all the possible universes and timelines,
We can simply switch from this one to the next.

The anxious part of me,
the largest parts of me,
panic at the idea of having no air or sun or life.
Nothing, not even awareness of the absence of something.

As empty as I am, or have been,
I still fight.
I fight to stay alive and to experience all of the wonderful moments that exist in this life.
I want to travel to unknown Italian islands and see the way the sun sets in Thailand.

Why am I stuck in this bubble, this little corner of Earth, when there is so much more to explore?

I am afraid of dying, without ever having the opportunity to live.
- I want to live
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