Thank you mom

for using harsher words,
than the boys in middle school did

for teaching me to love myself,
and then **** shaming me

I should let you know that all the boys at school were joking,
but from the tone in your voice I knew that you weren't

Thank you Mom

for bringing up impossible conversations,
in situations where I can't escape

like that lovely conversation in the car,
on the way home from school

the one about birth control,
when I desperately tried voice my opinion for the hundredth time

hoping that maybe you'd finally understand,
there was no need for it

nothing good or helpful came from it,
only inconvenience and discomfort

Thank you Mom

for leaving me stripped and naked,
with a spotlight shining on me

there's nowhere to go,
nowhere but out the car door onto the highway

that actually didn't seem like a bad option,
I always have preferred blood to tears

Thank you Mom

for expressing how you,
“don't want to raise your grandchild”

it's like, when I said I'm waiting,
it went through one ear and out the other, for the hundredth time

Thank you Mom

for giving me so much confidence,
and then taking it back, More easily than you gave it to me

Thank you Mom

for giving me such confidence,
that I'm a disappointment

I know you're there.
Lurking in the darkness of the night,
Cowering in the shadows, avoiding the light,
Crouched behind the curtain or hid beneath the bed,
Awaiting the chance to dive into my head.

I know you're there.
With your bloodshot eyes glowing, never showing,
Watching me with a hunger, all the while knowing
I fear you most when the daylight's gone,
With seemingly endless hours til morning's dawn.

I know you're there.
With your black heart pounding in your leathery chest,
Knowing too well I'll get no rest
As you prowl my room like a ghostly haunt,
I know it's my soul that you need and want.

I know you're there.
You demon from Hell. I know you can tell
My fears are growing and beginning to swell
Like a ticking time bomb about to explode.
You sit patiently with your evils to unload.

I know you're there.
You pitiless beast, ready to feed
On my every thought, on my every deed
I can feel you staring, glaring, carrying out your scheme
To enter my mind through an open dream.

I know you're there.
No noise you make as you devise a plan for my soul to take
Back to the land of the living dead before I awake.
I won't sleep, I won't close an eye
As soon as I do I know I'll die.

I know you're there.

I'm still in the same cage that I was some years ago, I'm started to wonder if I would be able to scape someday