I am at this point in life
When everything I hear
And everything i see
Hurts me.
Even the good things.
Because I know
That things can change so quick so bad.
And if,
IF I somehow manage to do something good
And make myself happy
I can't even enjoy it.
Because I am completely doubtless
That it will,
Like all the past stuff that were good in my life
Come to an ending
Just when I attach to it
And can't live without it anymore.
And when they do come to the end of the road,
I spend months and months
Putting all the broken pieces of myself together.
I spend months and months
Searching for a closure.
But just when I do,
Somehow,
Step on this problem's toes
And defeat it,
Something else hits me
Like a million of heavy burning trees
And crushes me
Like I was a thin toothpick,
Just standing in the wind,
Waiting to be knocked down.

I go home,
Lock myself in the bathroom
And cry;
Like my body was filled with rain,
Like my tears were a waterfall,
Like my eyes were a bucket full of water.

So please,
Don’t try to change my mind
If i'd rather ignore the good stuff
Than spend months and months
Repairing the damage that the pleasure brought.
Don’t try to change my mind.

when you don’t love anything except walking away …

crushed
by the immense weight of
expectation; I’ve come too far
to turn back now.

or to stay stagnated, where I am.
this halfway house of
purgatory, grasping at mere
fibres of the future I so very wish to weave,
but my attempts are futile
I am unable to get a grip.
rope burn bites at my hands,
slip, bleed, slip.  

The options are so endless,
yet so limited by none other
than myself.
I preach,
believe in yourself. love yourself.
go for your dreams and don’t let them slip away.
but these are simply words I say.
I preach one thing and
I practise another.
hypocrisy, doubt’s dutiful brother

fan others flames yet ignore mine being smothered.
by my own hands, none other.

at least I have you,
the single being on this earth
that believes in me.
I don’t know why
I don’t know how it came to be.
that you are the one soul that truly pushes me towards my dreams.
you don’t let me give up
you don’t allow me to claim victim, be smothered by this monster surrounding me,

not mother or father
but me, it’s me.
the monster is me
don’t you see?
I’m the one who doesn’t believe.
I’m the one whose stopping me
I’m the one whose keeping me down and doubting myself and writing myself off before I even put pen to paper and make myself worse off.

You are like
a fallen angel
lifting me on
your broken wings

not to save me,
but to let me go
and catch me again
like a bird
teaching her
baby to fly.

you,
are trying to help me realize

that I have wings too,
if I’d just open my eyes.
that you can still fly
and be scared of heights.



3 am passes
another day approaches
pointless moments surrounded by
expressionless
wilting roses.

I’ll fight the urge to
give up, even if it feels like
I’m not winning
because


the clock will pass 4 am
and the world will keep spinning

On the edge of madness she held my hand and said:
"The best things aren't always perfect, do you know that?"

Rose tinted papyrus and silver parched ink,
words written; heart stretched to a brink,
and I sought to picture, yet she peers through;
smiles and sparkles at every word said to.

Bright yellow dressed in a sleepless blue,
sometimes pale pink brushed in maroon.
Haunting and decorous; a palette uneven,
drawn infinitely close and I; completely smitten.

"More than an offering of affection;
a heedless and selfless dedication."

I’ve run out for a few days
no place to leave things
watching my pile
waiting for dispersion

This in there
that in here
warmth in drawers and closets