I have made a mess of my soul.
It is calloused and ugly.
I have collected every heartbreak, every hurt.
I carry around my mother's trust issues, shackled to my ankles,
my father's tendency to fly off the handle
and regret.

The scars left behind by my past lovers are still aching
and I am small. I am an open wound.
My insides are spilling out; oh, what a mess I've made of my soul.
Nothing but an insecure girl, who once knew but now could not see; constantly looking for ways to remind herself of what she is not worth.

I am sorry that I ask why so often when you say that you love me.
It's just that, when you say it, my knees would shake with uncertainty,
my heart would ache with uncertainty
This isn't your fault. It's not that I don't trust you.
It's that I can't trust my heart enough to keep you.

I am sorry that this ruin of a soul is all I have to offer.
I know it is hard to love something so full of chaos,
please, I promise
I am trying my best to clean up the mess.

Sometimes I just want to write,
write down everything that its going around my life.

I want to see if, by this way,
something will change
or just disappear.

But at the end its just me, a paper and a pencil
wishing to solve
my unsolvable things.

I really enjoy school,
like, really REALLY enjoy school.
Aside from the insurance of a happier future, which will come in time,
there's also that guarantee of a happier time, which is now,
which is whenever she's around.

Whenever she's around, I do better, simple as that.
It's the simplest fact, she motivates me.
She motivates me to get that 100%, to do more than just pass,
to get A's as straight as Rulers used in geometry class,
Shout out to Mrs. L!

And you know what isn't enough?
7 periods in a day.
Give me 10 more commas, a hyphen, anything, to help me catch my breath –
she's taken it all, and with it she ran away.

She takes notes as efficiently as the way she passes them to me.
I'd study our nation's entire timeline, and still make time for dinner and a movie.

She makes me smile like there were helium balloons tied to the ends of my lips,  
balloons, red like my cheeks, as they touch the ends of your fingertips,

But before it can rise  past the stratosphere,
Take my hand, let's get out of here,
I don't need to be in chemistry class,
We've already taught each other that,
and truthfully my dear,

we've got a bond stronger than H2O.

So drown me in memories we've made,
and hold me under the ones we will.

If I have to be wherever you are, no matter how far, I'll be there still.

You make perfect attendance so **** easy to me.

xoxo

blue, the words stick to me like glue and your name is stuck to me too. i once flew but i have broken my wings and landed on a blue sanded beach. every time i close my eyes there is blue and its all i knew…… but then there was you. while i feel like there is internal pressure looking for an escape the blow would decimate. i have become used to the blue and it WAS all i knew but then i met you. when i close my eyes UESED to see was blue but now i see you. I’m not sure if what i feel is real but I’m not about to end all that could get me off this bent blue hell. there is nothing more that i would rather do than leave pain and stress behind in the blue sand. before i leave this blue hell i need to know if this is true or fake and only time will tell. i won’t dismiss this possible miracle but my sanity depends on the nature of this life.

If I text you I may miss you a little less cos **** I can't concentrate. And I'm not being moderate or cheesy. I'm being completely honest. You've corrupted every single thought in my mind to just you... Before I sleep you're what I think about and when I wake up, your face pops up in my mind. After studying, my mind quickly disperses searching for memories that we share. I feel the need to hear your voice, your laugher and most importantly see your smile. I can't help but count the days I have till I see you right now its 7 days, a week from now I get to see you, to hold you in my arms. I hate having feelings like these towards someone because I don't know how to handle them and with you around Its not like I can contain them properly. You hear me use words such as 'I  Love you' and 'you're awesome' and I bet you think that's what friends say  its no big deal although it seems like that to me its much more than that. Its more of a commitment. You're amazing to my heart and soul and I guess you should know that.

What am I to do?
Insanity feels like
my mind
always landing
back on you.

All we have is now,
so what is now
without you?

I'm afraid to find out
lengths I might go to,
fires I walk through
Only for you.

Just to see you smile,
to make the sun shine
for some while.
Man, oh man...
what is it that you do?

You break barriers
into two
And out comes
heaven
guised
as humanity,
Completely new.
You redefine time,
Meaning the rhyme
Of this world
I thought
I knew
is through.

Even though I feel like my heart is bursting,
Technically, it's not the one that's hurting
The heart does nothing but pump blood for the body to survive
It would be unfair to blame it for something it didn't do
but I do blame my Amygdala
for doing such a bad job in controlling these awful feelings I'm not supposed to feel
I blame my lips
for saying your name with the same amount of affection that you do not deserve
I blame my skin
for still feeling your breath spreading on its surface, setting it on fire
I blame my nose
for remembering how good you smell the first time you hugged me  
I blame my ears
for not forgetting how your voice sounded when you say my name
I blame my hippo-campus
for not forgetting the look on your face while you were saying goodbye
I blame my eyes
for the tears that you will never shed for me
I blame my lungs  
for inhaling even though I have no desire to breathe
I blame my pulse
for thinking that I'm still alive
I blame my myself
for everything because I let you ruin me  
I blame myself
for believing that you're still worth it
The worst part is
after all the **** I went through  
I still couldn't bring myself
to blame you

astounding my heart is pounding, mind racing, feet pacing, hands shaking, i feel myself breaking. i don't know how it got this way i guess my brain just love’s to see me breaking. its like my brain is a separate creature. plotting against me wanting to test me just so it can best me because a body without a mind is broken. I heard that ignorance is blissfulness but i never understood that phrase till my mind left me to fend for myself, it said *******, you get no help. now you have to deal with the two things that matter most and i'm not here to help you. ******* it can't you hear that i am literally yelling this in your ear. the next time your mind leaves you i want you to allow me to lend you my ear so that your cries fall not on deaf ears but someone who will actually shed tears, listen to your fears, and hear what you want someone to hear. don't worry i'm here.