I wonder what it would be like to live
Somewhere else
Without him.
I tell him.
He makes a face.
"You're not going anywhere."
The car keeps moving.

This pain,
This love,
It's all too much.
What's going on?
Why can't I let go?

Why can't I free myself from this pain, this love.

I'm a slave.
I'm hurt,
I'm hurt,
I'm hurt,
Yet I can't let go.

I try,
I try,
I TRY!

I can't...

My heart is bound to you & it hurts.
There's a fire inside of me.
I can't release this love.. it's destroying me.
I need help..

The horizon is laid out like a flat dead line.
An end with no push or pull.
I don't remember when it used to be this way. Decided.
It seemed as if the land could stretch the volume of the sphere it claims to be, like the soft sheet of a bed.
Now, all that can be seen by the naked eye is the invisible aggressive gate, weighing its prisoners trapped.
The key thrown in space.
How could I attempt to find this key? The action will only be useless.
I will only swim through blurry haze , never finding the solid ground I once knew. Decided.
The more I fill with unbearable ending, the further the lifeless horizon appears; every last bit of hope disintegrating into star dust.
One day the gate will unlock and reveal how far the horizon can go.
Dancing fields that fold into mountains. Inspiring sights and dreams glazing your finger tips.
But I will stay in my dead end. the horizon will stay decided. my worth will always be questioned.

Let those walls break
Don't try to build new ones right away
You will not find those pure bricks
Those solid foundations
Those strong standings

What you will get
is something temporary
Something Weak
Something which is
meant to fall in no time

So just let those walls break.
Walk in the field
Feel free
Feel alone
Remember your suffering
And one day
You will move on

The mind fills empty potential with ferocious fantastic notions noting naive possibility outside of future's foreboding

But my image is quickly corroding, time's caustic nature instigating my painting's eroding and tainting the dreams I've been toting

My illusive fantasy simply couldn't be, a fairly farce future that reality couldn't see, but I pressed for it so impolitely, now it revisits me nightly

I know it's rightly dangerous thinking of things that might be but they push they're way inside me slightly slipping and sinking into my mind despite me fighting and frightfully trying to hold on tightly,

Now I permanently face the incessant resurrection of my psyche's insurrection to reality's lackluster perception of this painting's perfection

I never should have pursued this crude gesture I painted of her ****, not of her body but of her thoughts, though maybe just as lewd, I expected them to be profound and without interlude but these are facts of existence the universe didn't include

I wrongly thought of her as a partner for gleaning the meaning of particles and their organized convening to allow the formation of conscious beings

But she already found her specific god of speculation, he has an appropriate deprecation of false idolization, I thought it was simply healthy appreciation, sadly after an eternity of intense anticipation I was met with the realization that she couldn't be the deity of my imagination, she couldn't understand my late night cogitation, much less save me from my suicide ideation,

No one could,
No one can,
And it would be selfish for me to wish this loneliness on another soul, for me to expect anyone to fill that role.

I caught myself,
Staring at the sun...again,

It pulls me back,
To places better been,

I am but a moth,
   Chasing the stars,

The light ablaze,
   phases me away from my pains,
   and draws me closer, closer again.

I wake up hours later,
   In shock,
   disgusted with myself.

I walk to the lights I see that blind me,

"Come closer,"
"Come closer,"

I am lost in my own skin
My eyes deceiving.

Tonight,
I'll join the flight that takes me to where I hope I've never been.
Closer to the sun.

I write too often while thinking of you

It's late, everyone's asleep and my confidence is beginning to bate,
it feels like I've been awake for weeks straight, I can't extricate this state of distrait, everything is becoming harder to assimilate and I can barely differentiate reality from the reversed universe that my mind manipulates and creates,
My heart palpitates, my thoughts tumultuate and my lungs refuse to inflate under this weight as I begin to dissociate
What's great about my universe is that you can honestly relate,

Others understand in this mystic fantasy land,
There life isn't so bland, our existence was planned and best of all you and I roam hand in hand obeying your preferred god's demand,

There I'm not terrified that I will die with the afterlife unverified, the answers to my questions are clarified and my smile isn't forced or pried but instead a happiness that's justified,

There I have a perilous quest to distract me from the distress of the universe's careless emptiness, my feelings abide my behest and my mind doesn't remind me of my pointlessness,
Regardless I'd be happy nonetheless if I could leave all the rest just to retain your caress.

10-30-18