It's 7:27am
and I still haven't slept
it's probably for the best
even when I sleep I get no rest
I wake up in sweat and out of breath
if sleep was really the cousin of death
I'd be inclined to get more of it
wakefulness is stress but sleep
sleep is something else
sleep is torture for the depressed
sleep is something you tell yourself you need
when your world comes crashing down
when you see no need to get dressed
sleep is what you fall in to
when there's no more stimulation
no more coffee, no more elation
something you do post ******
usually from *******
if you could see my dreams
you'd think of Stephen King's
The Shawshank Redemption
except without redemption
just the seeping hateful retention

It's 7:17am
and I haven't slept
I've been playing chess
and watching videos about people
probably perceived as less fortunate
one man had a condition from birth
that left him without cheek bones
and his parents rejected him
after 36 hours in the hospital
when he was growing up he worried
"I thought I'd never be intimate with anyone."
he explained and went on to mention
that he hated being stared at
he recalled his first love
her name was Beth
she wore skinny jeans and liked the same music
and eventually left
I felt the pain he felt at reading his adoption notes
how his parents were horrified by his appearance
and felt no maternal or paternal connection to him
when he was just a little bundle of love
I almost shed a tear myself
when he told of the time he wrote to his parents
then in his 20's he felt it was time
they replied with a letter
that said they did not want to hear from him
and that any future attempts to make contact
will be ignored entirely

Under the sea of stars
Lay remnants of departed days
From a past up in flames
And smoke transforms
Into clouds that armour your darkest nights

So you're happy now
with another man
at home with our son
I will always be his dad
you told me
and I thank you

Just so you know
I never stopped loving you
I never stopped being ****
but I never stopped loving you
when your skin is liquid
and your teeth rattle in your skull
I will still love you

When the earthworms
use your eye sockets as tunnels
and when all men have either forgotten
or are too scared to speak your name
I will still love you
you deserve to be happy
and you are right to move on
if you feel as though your dreams with me
are truly dead and gone
just know that I still love you
love the father of your son

-
Early morning I wake up
As the morning sunlight
Shines so bright
Its time to gather all my might
To make through another day
Morning prayer
Hoping that when I die
I'll see the light
-
During the day
Pretend that everything is alright
Rolling up a white paper
Just to catch a flight
Daydreaming of new poems
That I want to write
-
Every night I lay on my bed
Another battle I have to fight
Can't seem to rest my eyes
Cause my thoughts are loud
All through the night
Another sleepless night
-
Lowkie®

The days are harder
When it’s bright outside
And the time has changed
You fake a smile
But you’re feeling the same

The days are harder
When you know you haven’t slept
And you open your eyes
Same eyes that have wept
Done with compromise

The days are harder
When you realize that it’s real
That pain means you can’t imagine the past,
Live a make-believe all at the same time and heal
But you tell yourself: “Today is gonna be the last”

And you wish it gets better
Or whatever comes before second best
Because if the days are harder
Then the nights must be the hardest

For now-
Go to sleep
And wake up a better person.