I feel like an anchor sinking down to the bottom of the sea.
A strong hold that's taken grasp upon me.
I know I can fight my way above the water.
But somehow I keep sinking down further and farther.

At that moment I realized it might be the end.
And every time I feel my body let go, I'm back above the surface once again.
I don't know what my purpose in life is.
So I stare at myself in the mirror just looking into my iris.

Nothing but pitch black, a sky without stars.
A boy covered in scars,
Someone with heart;
Who's been torn apart.

Just have a little,
Just a bit.
Enough to make sure,
The heart does not rip.

Faith is for the strong,
Thinking is weak,
So the heart must,
Continue to beat.

Do not lose hope,
Just carry on,
And wait until fate,
Will play its song.

Again I'm back here
I thought I could ignore my fears
A constant reminder that I'm not quite cut out for this
I deserve to be loved the way so many others have
Is what's so out of reach for me a goal or illusion?

Falling into the pool that is my thoughts
Drifting effortlessly as my youth rots
The fear that one day I'll be old with nothing or anyone to show
There is so much love in me to give that seems it will forever be cradled in morrow

I think that if I wasn't eternally flashed with fantasy I wouldn't long to share the best of me
I'm imprisoned by what is in my mind
Am I meant to observe and be taunted by the sound of companionship as if I am blind?
I'm not one to be weak but I silently scream in joy at the thought of being saved
Because when time comes that I finally save myself it will have already been too late

A crowd more than five thousand fed,
with leftovers, we fill twelve baskets  
and You’re tired as the sun sets,
so You send us on ahead while You go to pray,
a short journey across a wide lake
to another shore, another day coming
of people healing, sermon teaching,
my thoughts drift as it’s deep night, we’re rowing
while the wind’s blowing against us,
when out of no where, there’s a ghost
gliding on the water, shining,
soon approaching our starboard side,
my brothers and I, terrified, we shout, we cry,
then Your voice says it is I, take courage, no fear,
Awestruck, excited, I quickly reply,
if it’s you, let me walk on water too,
You tell me come, and so I jump,
feet ready to tread the solid water
I stand firm, eyes fixed on you, my Friend and Master
you’re smiling as I step forward,
but the wind whips my face,
turns my gaze to the waves,
and soon I’m afraid, then I’m sinking,
then drowning and screaming, save me,
I throw my arms blindly toward you
and somehow I’m safe, you’ve taken
my hand, pulled me up firmly,
saying Peter, why did you doubt me?
the wind ceases as we climb aboard,
I rejoin my brothers at the oars,
but not before I fall before You giving
thanks—it was that night I knew You were
the Christ.

When the ship was about to sink (heavy with its own weight as the legend goes) the captain’s sweetheart asked him :

“ Don’t you ache from all you carry ? It could be so much lighter, so much easier ”

And the man replied,

I could tell you I want to be the everyday air that inhabits you for a moment
only because I want to be that unnoticed and that necessary,
Or I could tell you what I really want to say,
Which is that I love you

But If I told you I loved you,

Would you remember me through the summer haze of your sea-kissed city,
And look for me in the reflections of your effortless smile,
When time stopped occasionally on stormy nights,
To let in the dreams scattered through our broken windows of - “what if”

Would you run with me in empty alleys,
Paved with improbable bricks of surreal happiness ,
And leave your hurried footprints like a shower of kisses,
Even if the city lights played jealous gods,
To the mirthless mornings of separated worlds.

Would you dance with me on the edges of changing shorelines,
Where the recurring waves match the music of our heartbeats,
And the sands shifting below our feet,
Become invisible like the ghosts of unexplored pleasure,
While my promises of tomorrow merge into your twilight of today.

If I told you I loved you,
Would it even make a difference to the songs you will sing for your eventual lover ?

I was hoping it would.

i am sinking low
suffocating drowning
fast declining
poor health
in the head
and there is not much
that i can do about it
i wish
that this was a physical aliment
so that i could fix
myself, so much more easily
but i cannot see
the disease
but i feel it
******* hell do i feel it
within every last
single
membrane
of my war weary brain
it is so tired of fighting
as am i
as am i