Relapse.
Is that what this is?
I’m drowning instead of breathing again.

Relapse.
Is that what this is?
Because I’m feeling more awake than alive.

Relapse.
Is that what this is?
Because I no longer have feeling inside.

11 months
that's all I could do
I tried for so long
I tried just for you

11 months clean
but today we start over
tomorrow is day one
I'm just growing older

11 months
but tonight my thighs sting
I took to them with a blade
as sharp as my ring

11 months
I kept searching for a reason not to
tonight I fought hard
but my blood was long overdue

You never think you'll start.
And then you do, and you think you'll never stop.
Sometimes you just wish everything would stop.
But it doesn't. And it can't. You know that.
So you quit.
A week. A month. Maybe even two.
Yet slowly you feel this pressure,
This constant nagging of unspoken emotion.
Maybe you don't acknowledge it yet, but you will.
And then all of a sudden it all explodes.
You're standing there. Breaking down; again.
Drowning under it all.
So you take your pail, throwing water out of this sinking boat.
A desperate, meaningless attempt to stay.
Blade against skin

my wrists ache with desire and these lungs hitch
and heave with each sickening sob.
as my body begs to feel,
and my heart begs to not.

— to feel everything and nothing at once

Somber silence
    Cascading
          Encapsulating

Corrupt me
    Defile me
         Persuade me
in to capitulation
into your loving
              ....warmth:
Enveloping
     Entwining
            Embracing

this is not pulling the trigger
this is waving the white flag
on the ship that has long since been

Sailing then
            Sinking and
I would like to stay afloat
      Yet drift far enough away that
I no longer have to see the shore that can

Chew me up
       Spit me out
              Swallow me whole

lure me with lullabies in to the dark
this never ending tunnel of
fabricated blithe
hammer chest  in my ears
pounding to the rhythm of

You & I. Together again:
      Crevasse canvas of
             Euphoric enigma
                    Dazed desires

A sea-sick stomach will steady
        Storms and speculations
               Heartbeat acceleration
                    Black ocean; destination

Repent
     Reclaim
          Relapse.
my love has never failed me.