I haven't done it in a while,
But seeing the faded outline of my friends,
The scars that make me feel calm,
Made me want them back

I used to run my fingers along the cuts
As if I was reading braille to soothe my head;
Because I felt like those fresh wounds,
Were my only friends along with my blades

Those blades and the scars that accompanied them were something I could count on,
No matter how bad my day was I could cry all night
And sit in the bathroom mirror and talk to myself as I stared into my own eyes
Letting my blade dance across my skin,
Leaving a beautiful red trail;
The stinging sensation that came after that turned into the blissful pleasure,
That wonderful feeling I once loved was something I couldn't remember
Until today;

I wasn't even sad at the moment
It was just something my mind drove me to do out of sheer nostalgia
Because seeing the faded outlines of my scars
Counting each one replaying the night I created them
And remembering how close they were to me and that they were once my friends
Brought it all back;

So I threw a little self-harm depression party once again,
I created this little get together
And invited those old friends and demons of mine
Where my blade once again danced
And my scars then cried red;
Where I stared into my dark chocolate brown eyes
And let tears of my own claw their way out;
Where I smiled and laughed, talking to myself saying how much I missed the stinging pleasure
And relapsed again for the first time in a while

I thought about how what I was doing was something so wrong
And I told myself I was sadistic for laughing because I missed the sensation
But my god does it feel so right
I guess that's why so many people
Do all these things that slowly **** them;
Just as I do with self-harm...

Earlier I relapsed
Cutting away my woes and letting my pain seep out;
But then I stopped,
Realizing how many promises I was breaking
And how many hearts I was shattering

I felt weak in my knees
Falling to the ground I cried
Ashamed and guilty
How could I do such a thing to those I love?

Panic set in,
I can't let anyone know
Because I don't want to go back to that hell
That cursed and wretched psychiatric hospital
That's more like a prison with schedules and timed everything;
Painted over windows and white walls that hold tallies of torturous days and child-like scribbles
That makes it more of a trigger than everything else

But soon enough I gathered myself;
I took a hot shower,
And stood in front of the mirror practicing my smile
While I planned what outfits to wear with foundation to hide what I've done

So now all is okay and fine,
And I'm alright;
At least,
I think so...

Every time I hit rock bottom
There is no way but up from here
Until I realized there's an underneath
That held even more despair
Closer to hell, closer to the depths
Of the underworld that lies beneath
I have yet to explore this world
In the deepest trenches of me
How far will I fall
I am actually digging deeper
So hard that I have to crawl
I am my own keeper

It is misleading to say
That I am trying my best
When I am actually trying
To prevent myself from getting worse
To prevent that state of being
When I can no longer stand
And sitting up becomes unbearably hard
When every part of me is at its lowest
And my mind has completely given up
I lie still waiting
For my physical being to die with me

it took years for me to heal
years to see even a year into the future
but today i wrote my old ways a letter

it feels strange not being sick
my illness was what made me, well me
she’s toxic, but addicting

i miss having someone to talk to
i miss her like i miss an old friend
mon vieil ami

but lately i can feel her presence
i can hear her faint whisper
keeping me hostage

she’s all i know
so i don’t mind her visiting
or making her permanent in my life

Vices, circling tighter.
I have slid back into them like a hand into a dish glove,
Only to find lingering soapy water in the fingers.
They don’t do what I want them to do,
Don’t relieve my misery as I had hoped.
And I burn burn burn like a circle of hell,
While trapped in my own ring of fire.
I think about you.
But that’s not enough either.
What is?
The chains get a better hold of me.
I take a deep breath
and let myself be pulled under.