Oh, mother
Don’t pretend this is how it always goes
Do you notice that conversation
Doesn’t flow between us anymore?
I don’t want to hear about my father
None of what you dislike about my sister
Sometimes your words are screaming monsters
Like those whose shadows children are afraid to see
On their bedroom walls

The daughter you know
Is the one who is eight years old
And I know you’ll never have the time
To know the daughter who’s fifteen
Oh mother, things
And people
Do change
But I’m not sure we can both agree on that

The tears come
When I’m with you
They only really go away
When those you think should matter less
Take them away
Blood is thicker than water, you say
But forgive me
If I’ve stopped believing the things you say
A long time ago

Trust me when I say
I hate that there’s a dull ache in my heart
When I speak about family
Because I don’t know how much of it
Is real
And lasts forever
Something that won’t disappoint
And bleed my heart dry
For I am exhausted of this game
Of playing pretend too


Oh, mother
I could go on
But it hurts to speak the truth
And if you knew about this
I know I’d be disgraced
For not listening to the things you tell me
For not valuing family
For not believing in you
For not being able to recognise you
As the same mother I loved when I was eight
I think you’ve left your old self behind
With your time for me
And now you carry my eight-year-old shell with you
Showcase it as if you know
What metamorphosis is
You don’t see me as a butterfly
Because you only know the caterpillar
Is it really that simple to you?
I used to know this home
It seems like a long time ago
Now when I visit it in my memories
It’s only bittersweet
And I never like to say that things and people
Can be broken beyond repair
But maybe we are
Not so much like pieces that form a kaleidoscope
More like ones that cause catastrophe
With explosions and tears
And broken hearts and minds
This is us, I guess
But oh, mother
I wish it didn’t have to be this way.

I think it’s far past the time,
that I go and change my full name.
It’s not that I’ve committed a crime,
It’s just I’m done playing this game.
It’s a waste of my time and energy,
and I’ve become aware there’s a closet in my skeleton,
it’s moved from where it’s meant to be,
I guess it’s not just my will power that’s made of gelatin.

I took a power drill to my right temple,
to create a hole and install a switch.
To erase my thoughts I ignored the detrimental,
but every memory slips it’s way through the stitch.
Sometimes it’s not the change you want,
but maybe it’s the change that you need.
Don’t hide your wounds, they’re battle scars you should flaunt,
and praise that you still have the ability to bleed.

But I’m a hypocrite of the worst kind,
as I encourage others to embrace the pain.
My worst enemy is my own mind,
and I’m plotting havoc against my brain.
I’d do anything for a clean slate,
I’d give it all up to once hit “reset”
The best I can do right now is just wait,
and hope one day I can be blessed to forget.

I tried to go back home but the doors are all locked,
and someone’s in my parking space.
There’s a sea of debris on the roads that I once walked,
my existence in my own home has been fully erased.
It’s almost so tragic that it’s comedic,
that the only two things I want slipped through my grasp.
A concept is invisible, so how do you beat it?
If you never held it how do you reclasp?

But I’m a hypocrite of the worst kind,
as I encourage others to embrace the pain.
I’m tired of being ******* within this bind,
like a cartoon character on the tracks awaiting an oncoming train.
I’d do anything for a clean slate,
I’d give it all up to once hit “reset”
Am I starving even though I cleared my plate?
Am I swimming in riches while drowning in debt?

Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind,
speaks more to my state, praying to become blind.
Atleast I wouldn’t long and yearn,
for the spot where I once stood,
‘cause how can you ever return
when you know how it used to be good?

And I raised her up on a pedestal so high,
that her fingers could brush the heavens.
She replaced the sun and became the sky,
and I wished for her at all eleven-eleven’s.

As midnight strikes, I wage wars
with invisible enemies
that will never breach
your side of the snow globe.
And you'll wake like my nightmares
are your dream catchers.
You'll wake and catch sunlight,
dew drops and morning air.
You are in the bubble of where
good things still happen.
You are where
I am not.

And sometimes I still wonder
how you get the better
end of the bargain,
while I only get nostalgia,
unhealthy coping mechanisms
and nuclear explosion
barren spaces in my heart.

I can't see past old horizons
and what's stuck ticking restlessly
on blank canvas walls
has always been a marker
dividing my present
from yours.

Someone I know said:
"Our phones are just a small world."
I crave the large world

Take a breath.

Smell the roses,
or whatever other flower
might be blooming
around you.

This is where
you wanted to be once,
and this is where
you’ll want to be again
one day.

Want to be here now,
surrounded by roses.x

I enjoy something until i realize I can lose it;
A moment
A loved one
Life

The present is continually lost
yet somehow
progresses 
Regret and loss only live here when we chose.