Sometimes it’s best to keep the things we hold dear to us to ourselves.
Just so the shadows don’t try to take them away.

The shadows are things we call friends because they’ve always been there.
They’re also called foes because of what they do.  It’s a secret though.
They told me not to tell.

One’s name is Janis. She wants to leave but never can. Another’s name is John. He always screams as if he’s forced to never stop.

They told me not to tell.

“Always keep it to yourself because we’ll take it away.”

“Why do you scream?  Why can’t you ever just sleep?!”

They told me not to tell my secrets because they’ll be used against me.

My name is Callie. I’m only age 6.
My name is ___. I have — who are you again?
My n-name is A- Al- Alexa. I have a s- stu- st- stutter
My name is Kelly.  I’m a mystery never solved.

They told me not to tell the-… no!  I won’t… they told me not to tell.

The shadows are my friends and the words will not hurt.

They told me they would —

The voices are my friends.  The voices are my friends.  The panic is my comfort.  The panic is my comfort.  The story is perfect.  Your story is perfect.  Our story is perfect.  
They’ll never know who I killed.
They’ll never know how it feels.
They’ll never know the voices were always there.

They told me not to tell my secrets because they’ll be used against me…

… but they also told me they’d never let me go even though they promised.  I guess the voices were right - I should have never told…

i wear your sweaters when you're asleep & i wear them when your not home to remind me of who i am;
your girlfriend, your fantasy, the love of your life;
but suddenly my mind wonders who am i without you?
i've lost myself inside of you, i've buried myself deep beneath your ribcages & made home inside your chest;
but then i remember i never existed to begin with because i've always been a shapeshifter.
twisting & morphing into what everyone else wants me to be, forgetting that i have a body, a mind & a soul all of my own;
feeling guilty for taking a second to breathe through the bars on this jail cell window.
i've been laying on the floor like a carpet,
letting everyone walk on me & pretending that it's completely acceptable;
& i've always hosted the parties to give myself a sense of control when in reality all i'm doing is serving people.
but please, my love, don't misunderstand me;
my love for you is always here inside of me even if it's gone into hiding;
this illness clouding my brain has been growing from a pinprick into a wrecking ball;
turning everything into black & white as if i'm living on a zebras skin.
you always loved the yin & yang symbol, well that's how my mind self-destructs;
for anyone who doesn't know, the yin & yang symbolizes the good & the bad, with a little good in the bad & a little bad in the good;
a small light in the dark & a hint of shadow in the light;
except the way my mind works, there is no flicker of a flame in the darkness & darkness does not exist in the light;
at least that's how my mind perceives things...
when i'm treated with love & adoration, my heart suddenly beats & you are an angelic being i am undeserving of;
but then again i never deserved any form of happiness, according to my thoughts;
when i am treated with abuse & neglect (or what my brain tells me is abuse & neglect), i shut down my emotions & once again become a ghost to my own body;
but then again this hollow numbness is the home i grew up in...
i don't remember much of my childhood & sometimes i wonder if that's a good thing;
was it to protect myself from the horrors that i'm not sure even existed,
or was it really a wonderful childhood that i purposefully forgot so i could give all the blame to my family?
i don't remember much of my childhood but i know i forgot it to relieve myself of some of this pressure;
some of this pressure that pushes down on me every minute of every day;
how do you expect me to feel when every feeling i ever expressed was shoved back down my throat because it was too inconvenient for someone else;
how do you expect me to speak when i was trained to bite my tongue because i was always too intelligent for anyone else's comfort;
how do you expect me to live when all i've lived for was to satisfy the needs of those around me so i could feel worthy of the air in my lungs;
& when i say "you", i don't mean you, just you as one sole being, i mean everyone;
everyone i've ever met has expected something of me;
whether it be my body, my mind, my skills or my words,
my heart, my thoughts, my possessions or me;
& you my love, you are everything to me despite my contradictive actions,
because you're the only one who has ever taken a moment to look at me dead in the eyes & ask me with pure love & selflessness
well what do*  you  want...?
*...i wear your sweaters when you're asleep & i wear them when you're not home to remind me that you love me as much as i love you.
& you may be the only person that could truly know who i am.

i’m a naughty lil borderline.
I don’t kick and scream, just
glare n fall asleep
for 12 hours.
I’m not a good, quiet borderline,
I’m not a pretty skinny brunette,
I dare to be fat
i dare to be queer.

I don’t hallucinate my demons,
i hop e i never do

i’m a naughty lil borderline.
i make friends and ignore them,
i don’t do any cool drugs
i imupulse-buy snakes
and cigarettes
(sometimes cats)

i storm out
i cut myself
i cut all ties
i double text

i am too progressive
i dare to love
i dare to be a misandryist
and a humanist

You know that saying?
"the only person you can truly rely on
and trust is yourself"
what about when you can't trust yourself?
when your mind deceives you
when you do the unpredictable
when you shock yourself and think
am I really that person?

Does that make you
more alone than being alone?
if loneliness is a feeling of being alone
but you don't have to be alone
to feel lonely
and you can be by yourself
but not feel loneliness at all
then humour me this

If I am by myself and I feel lonely
but I don't know myself tonight
and I don't trust my own presence
I don't feel comfortable at all
in my own company
so I don't have myself to rely on
because I myself, am not myself
am I more than alone?

Am I actually nothing now?
am I here at all?
do the thoughts I'm thinking
belong to somebody else?
do I now have to search the mind
of this man that I do not know
to find clues and remnants
of the person that once filled this body?
am I lost forever?

love was a hurricane, mindlessly engulfing me within its core
it came out of nowhere, and i still can’t decide whether it lasted too long, or too short
love felt like a storm i wasn’t ready to endure
i had built a shelter for my heart, but forgot to secure it within

as a result i was left alone in the strong winds of heart ache

love wasn’t always like this, though

at one point, it was kind
it had held me in its arms and convinced me that in the midst of my tangled locks and graying bags i was the sweetest thing it had laid its eyes on
it wrapped me in warm blankets and whispered sweet nothings until my breathing turned steady and my dreams carried me away somewhere love would eventually meet me again

its true, love left me
but i know it will come back
not now,
but maybe in a few days..months...years
it will be back
next time with a brighter smile, and good intentions

and i can’t wait for that.
because i know the second time around, love will be pure
and raw
love will show me a side of itself I’ve never experienced before

its true, love hurt me
but I’ve learned to forgive it
because love comes in many shapes and sizes
and just because one didn’t suit me doesn’t mean i can’t try for a new fit

i.
bravery, strength given for the better
a power in which only few may have
as a part of their life -
one that i certainly do not possess.
it can be transformed into the
shy living.

ii.
kindness, a value that is most special
most important and helpful
useful as it may be, it has
flaws that can be cracked:
broken leaves falling to the ground,
only a piece of truth.

iii.
anger, somewhat misunderstood
it can strengthen us at weakest moments
and break us in  t w o
little shattered glints of glass replacing
fragments of happiness.

these few traits are the composed parts,
pieces, bits of information inside of us that
we take to live our lives,

combined personalities.