******* salty ocean tears
O, how I miss you dear
Fresh delicate minds as if we descended yesterday from our wombs
Everyday is new to us and I am glad I got to see you bloom

Too bad, so sad- you decided to leave me
No warning, no note- years you left quite seemingly effortlessly
I felt shocked, betrayed, and abandoned
I hope she is worth what you bargained

“How come you always stay in your room so much?” a little girl once asked me.
“Because I have anxiety, darling”
“Where is your anxiety?”
I pointed to my head. She nodded.
But that wasn’t entirely true.

I should’ve pointed
to my hands,
full of earthquakes and after shakes;
my arm,
blade rakes and skin breaks;
my smile,
nothing short of fake;
my whole body,
just one big ache.

Loneliness is painful but that lonely man could not feel any pain.
He lied to himself and it was the most painful experience.

I wish i still loved you. but you see i don't and i'm pretending like every things fine but what you don't understand is i can't sleep. I can't focus on anything but why i'm still here. here with you, or here at all. they say you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself, and i can't stop replaying that saying in my head because when we first met i hated every part of me and you put me back together. i started to love myself but here i am 18 months later and i'm back to 3am regrets of what drugs i haven't done. i'm beginning to hate myself all over again and i don't like this time i can be saved because i resent you for giving me light when all i really wanted was the back seats of unfamiliar cars. I guess some people fall in love with whats on the inside but i think that's a load of horse **** because every guy i've met has only fell in lust with what's under the clothes. I never got to thank my best friend for saving my life four years ago. I don't even think she knew she was saving my life, i think she was just trying to be a *****. i put myself in ****** positions because i like the pain and i like the thought of "these last days on earth". i won't grow up to be a wife or a mother, i won't grow up to make my parents proud or to get a masters. i pretend that i'm okay, but when you left i think i was far from okay and i think people saw that and forgot to ask. or maybe they saw it and just didn't care. or maybe they didn't see it and i'm a really good ******* liar. i can't stop blaming you for my pain and for my suicide notes that are crumbled up under my bed. i haven't done it yet because i'm thinking of exactly what to say that will hurt you the most. i fall in love with anyone that tells me i'm pretty or anyone that wants to take my shirt off. i fell in love with the word **** and ***** because that's what i learned love really is. two people can be in love but still love what others do to them so they break the ones who aren't broken and then the broken pretend like their fine. the ones that pretend like their fine, the ones who don't have to **** in their stomachs or wear bracelets are the ones who i'm scared for because those are the ones who will self destruct. those are the ones who will show us all that you can't leave a little girl in a store by herself or she'll start believing that everyone leaves. when she believes that she'll start pushing away anyone who tries to save her, especially the ones who are succeeding. so stop trying to ******* save me, stop trying to be my ******* hero. stop trying to pretend like you ******* understand. you see, that's why i don't love you anymore because my chariot doesn't turn into a pumpkin at midnight, my demons come out to play.

-the demon we all have (we just don't know it yet)

Back
         when       we still saw things
through Incandescent eyes &
undiscovered memories
                        waited for us
like
             a first snow in January
She showed me the midnight sky &
                      All the blinding pinholes in it
     where
                     angels peeked at us
The
watercolor sunrises
        while lying on the hood of her car
                         How
kisses                on the forehead
              could mend shattered hearts &
    scattered                         thoughts
         & chasing each other
through art galleries
        out         into droplets of rain
                brought us
closer        
               to
                          god
Those days when
riding on trolleys or
         drifting off to sleep    next to each other
Meant believing in love
           because
                            we wanted to
Furthest from my mind was
              the simple fact,
                        That she
        could make my entire     atmosphere
Collapse into nothingness
                &                        She did
She introduced me
                        to the stars & the sky
&
              willfully brought them down
         on top of me

She moaned the most painful moan
Drowned by the sound of laughter,
Veiled by always looking happy
And nobody heard it.


F.Z.N